Since Christopher Nolan’s exceptional Dark Knight trilogy came a close, the world has experienced a distinct lack of vigilante types who dare to take the law into their own hands. That is, until a little-known pop starlet named Rihanna took up the mantle and started serving the world with her own form of justice.
That’s right. That sweet little girl who once sang “come on rudeboy boy can you get it up?” has transformed herself into a bruising vanguard of righteousness. This recent article in The Guardian chronicles her heroic exploits to date. So far, she has busted two illegal animal traders and shut down a Taiwanese sex club.
The illegal pet sales industry is something that needs urgent action from the international community, but sadly, no one has ever taken this issue seriously. Until now that is, as Rihanna took to Twitter to highlight the plight of everyone's favourite toxic primate, the slow lorris. She posted up a picture of herself with two animal traders and a slow lorris, which was seen worldwide, but specifically in this case, by the fuzz. Trading these precious creatures is highly prohibited, and it didn’t take long before the local authorities caught up with these criminals. This was all thanks to Rihanna’s irrefutable evidence.
Free thanks to Rihanna
Then, only a few weeks later, Rihanna destroyed a local sex business with the following Tweet:
"Either I was phuck wasted last night, or I saw a Thai woman pull a live bird, 2 turtles, razors, shoot darts and ping pong, all out of her pu$$y,"
Despite this undoubtedly entertaining scenario in which creatures came out of a woman like sinister Russian dolls, the authorities caught Rihanna’s online tip again and arrested the club's owner. As it turned out, he was showing naughty ladies without a license, so was promptly thrown in prison.
It would seem that the Thai authorities are holding Rihanna up as their moral centre. Everywhere she goes she exposes corruption and filth, so the police just follow her around and hoover up the baddies in her wake. Proximity to this corruption-busting starlet almost certainly leads to criminal convictions. Either that or our heroine is just stumbling across illegal activities and naively posting them online. Nope, that can’t possibly be the case, can it?
So what’s next for our little maverick? If I were a criminal (which I’m not. Unless you count all those robberies), I would be rather nervous about Rihanna’s latest world tour. Especially if I were a ticket tout for it. Judging from the sexualized outfits she tends to wear, it won’t be too much of a leap for her to don some evil-spanking spandex and lay the smackdown on some mafia kingpins.
Criminals across the world; beware! Once you fall under Rihanna’s umbrella, there ain’t no escape!
Yes! We're back with some more horrific cinematic masterflunks. If you haven't read part 1, then I heartily encourage you to do so right away. Not that you need to read part 1 to enjoy this update, I just recommend that you read it anyway.
Once again, my usual tag partner Sir Chizzington of Chiz Chat is present, ready to suplex some horrendous acting and clothesline his way through Hollywood like Hulk Hogan, only with 100% fewer sex tapes.
Batman and Robin - My Rubber Lips Are Immune To Your Charms
Addman: "My rubber nips are immune to your palms."
Chiz: Once again touching on euphemisms, I suppose Poison Ivy's "charm" is actually an outbreak of mouth herpes.
Addman: Agreed. This line was written after the censors got their hands on it. The original line was "My rubber prophylactic is immune to your AIDs".
Chiz: It could very well be syphilis as well. I hear if it is left untreated it can result in psychosis, which explains her atrocious choice in eyeliner.
Addman: Does that apply to all makeup disasters? Because if so, you're basically implying that the improper application of mascara is an indication that you are a syphilitic whore.
Chiz: Well, she locked lips with an underage boy wearing a silly mask and skin-tight jumpsuit. I'm pretty sure that's a symptom of psychosis; which, in turn, is a symptom of syphilis.
Addman: I'm sure Poison Ivy dates The Joker at some point in the Batman universe.
Addman: "You wanna know how I got these scars? Shhh-shhh-shhh, c'mere. I left my herpes untreated."
((Dear nerds, I've since realised that it's Harley Quinn who dates The Joker, so don't bother pointing that out))
Gladiator - I'm Terribly Vexed
Chiz: I'd be vexed too if my limited vocabulary only allowed me one word to express my extreme frustration.
Addman: His voice reminds me of that little Martian guy from the old Loony Tunes cartoons. "I'm very, very cross"
Addman: I reckon he might be channelling that little fella for his performance.
Chiz: I suppose if that's how he chooses to Walk The Line, then that's a Sign that he is The Master. Not many people can replicate Marvin the Martian and get away with it.
Addman: Right, before we go any further, let's clear this up once and for all. How do you pronounce Joaquin Phoenix?
Chiz: Just pretend you're hocking a loogie and sneezing at the same time. His last name is pronounced "pee-nis" (the 'x' is silent)
Addman: I'm glad that's settled. I've always pronounced it "Joe-A-Kin" while my friend always said it was like "Whackin'". Many tears and litres of blood have been shed over this argument.
Addman: Either way, he doesn't sound very vexed at all. He sounds more like his electricity bill is slightly higher than he expected.
Chiz: Or the invitation to his cousin's wedding did not allow him a guest.
Addman: Well that's what you get for casually feeding people to lions.
Chiz: That would be awkward if the bride was Christian.
Troy - You Sack Of Wine
Chiz: I suppose that insult would be much less threatening today. "You box of pinot grigio!"
Addman: I think Brad Pitt is my new favourite actor. Anyone who can deliver that insult with any kind of gusto deserves an award. Or perhaps a sack of wine.
Chiz: He nearly makes the soldier to the side drop his guard.
Addman: Yeah, I bet being an extra in that scene was like being a fly on the wall at a Weight Watcher's naked calendar shoot. It's hideous, but you can't help but watch the terrible rippling effect.
Addman: Would you take offence if someone likened you to an alcoholic beverage?
Chiz: Not necessarily. Wine makes me giddy, but compare me to a Coors beer, and I'll be terribly vexed.
Judge Dredd - I Am The Law
Addman: "This dialogue is so snappy" "I can't tell what they're saying" "I hope the writers don't run of steam" "RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: "Why did you touch me!?"
Addman: "Because I couldn't help myself"
Chiz: "You invaded my privacy!"
Addman: "I am the privacy! RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: "Did you walk the dog?" "He wasn't whinning!" "He still
may need to pee!" "RWOAAARW" *snatches the leash from the walk*
Addman: I think in future I'm going to use this technique to finish arguments.
Addman: "Have you taken the bins out?" "RWOAAARRWW!" Chiz: Oddly enough, the women in the background has the most loose fitting clothes on the set.
Chiz: What's the purpose of sci-fi action movies other than to objectify women?
Addman: Who knew Judge Dredd would try and subvert gender stereotypes through it's costume design.
Addman: However, it puts back the Bear Civil Rights movement by a few decades. "RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: They were certainly Dredding on thin ice with that one.
X-Men: The Last Stand - I'm The Juggernaught, Bitch!
Addman: This certainly isn't the worst line of dialogue we've seen, but the delivery is terrible.
Chiz: I want to go into a fancy restaurant and yell, "Do you know who I am? I ordered sauerkraut, bitch!" Then flip the table over and charge the waitress.
Chiz: "Don't chu know oo why em?"
Addman: Careful there. Mocking English accents is a very sore subject for me. You are disrespecting the land of my forefathers.
Chiz: I knew I was venturing into dangerous territory with that one.
Addman: Vinnie Jones is considered a shaman amongst my people.
Chiz: Here I'll mock my American accent.
Chiz: "I'll have a hotdog, extra cheese."
Addman: Perfect! You nailed those stupid Americans!
Addman: Anyway, back on topic, do you think Vinnie Jones could have got a better fitting hat? It looks like they squeezed him into a Darth Vader prototype.
Chiz: Reminds me of Rick Moranis in Spaceballs.
Addman: "Don' chu know ooo oi em? I'm Seymour from Little Shop Of Horrors, Bitch!"
Chiz: His helmet kind of looks like Ellen Greene's hair from Little Shop Of Horrors!
Addman: Hmm, I'm sensing a conspiracy of some kind here. I'm going to track the hairstyles and hats throughout Hollywood history. I suspect I'll uncover the secret identities of the Illuminati.
The Matrix: Reloaded - Know What Happened Happened
Chiz: That sounds like something a couple would say following an awkward attempt at anal.
Addman: "It couldn't have happened any other way, without lube"
Chiz: "What happened, happened. If it happened any other way, the happenstance would not have happened. Ah, screw it let's watch Netflix and try to forget this ever happ... occurred."
Addman: Can you imagine doing 50+ takes of this scene? I bet Lawrence Fishbourne always screens new scripts. If it includes the word "happened", he turns it down flat.
Chiz: Perhaps he was so sick of the word that he used it 3 times in a sentence just to spite the director, and to return the favour, the director actually used the take.
Addman: I bet someone sent him a script for The Happening just to watch him freak out.
Chiz: I wonder how the scene would play out if spoken by the Architect. "Ergo, what latterly came to fruition, came to fruition. And could not have come to fruition under the duress of other such happenstance."
Addman: I can't even wrap my head around that. I guess it would fit into the Matrix Reloaded perfectly.
Chiz: Speaking of Matrix Reloaded, I wonder if the writer(s) were at a loss of words when it came to actually describing what the hell was going on, so they created this character with a vocabulary beyond human comprehension to try to cover the plot holes.
Addman: Yes, but they already had a character for that purpose. I thought Keanu Reeve's constant barrage of "What?" was trying to reflect that.
Chiz: In fact, I'm surprised Morpheus' cryptic, miniature speech didn't arouse a "What?" out of him.
Chiz: It must have been so out of his comprehension that his brain rebooted. His brain got the blue screen.
Addman: Which spawned a new sequel: The Matrix Rebooted.
Chiz: They probably consulted IT about that one.
Chiz: We're looking for a way to generate more profit from this money pit. Have any ideas?
Chiz: Did you try rebooting it?
Chiz: Brilliant!
Chiz: Going completely off topic, it kind of goes to show that Hollywood is essentially like an IT department.
Addman: IT isn't quite as glamorous though, unless you enjoy fat hairy nerds in cocktail dresses giving acceptance speeches about Naruto.
I'm afraid that we have reached the end of our little silver screen soiree. Now that these lessons have been learned, I fully expect all scriptwriters to learn from them, and for us to never see examples of bad writing in films ever again. I'd like to thank Chiz for being an able, willing and nubile partner during this whole thing, and I'd like to thank you for reading. But mainly, I'd like to thank myself and Chiz. Bye!
