Once again, my usual tag partner Sir Chizzington of Chiz Chat is present, ready to suplex some horrendous acting and clothesline his way through Hollywood like Hulk Hogan, only with 100% fewer sex tapes.
Batman and Robin - My Rubber Lips Are Immune To Your Charms
Addman: "My rubber nips are immune to your palms."
((Dear nerds, I've since realised that it's Harley Quinn who dates The Joker, so don't bother pointing that out))
Gladiator - I'm Terribly Vexed
Chiz: I'd be vexed too if my limited vocabulary only allowed me one word to express my extreme frustration.
Addman: His voice reminds me of that little Martian guy from the old Loony Tunes cartoons. "I'm very, very cross"
Addman: I reckon he might be channelling that little fella for his performance.
Chiz: I suppose if that's how he chooses to Walk The Line, then that's a Sign that he is The Master. Not many people can replicate Marvin the Martian and get away with it.
Addman: Right, before we go any further, let's clear this up once and for all. How do you pronounce Joaquin Phoenix?
Chiz: Just pretend you're hocking a loogie and sneezing at the same time. His last name is pronounced "pee-nis" (the 'x' is silent)
Addman: I'm glad that's settled. I've always pronounced it "Joe-A-Kin" while my friend always said it was like "Whackin'". Many tears and litres of blood have been shed over this argument.
Addman: Either way, he doesn't sound very vexed at all. He sounds more like his electricity bill is slightly higher than he expected.
Chiz: Or the invitation to his cousin's wedding did not allow him a guest.
Addman: Well that's what you get for casually feeding people to lions.
Chiz: That would be awkward if the bride was Christian.
Troy - You Sack Of Wine
Chiz: I suppose that insult would be much less threatening today. "You box of pinot grigio!"
Addman: I think Brad Pitt is my new favourite actor. Anyone who can deliver that insult with any kind of gusto deserves an award. Or perhaps a sack of wine.
Chiz: He nearly makes the soldier to the side drop his guard.
Addman: Yeah, I bet being an extra in that scene was like being a fly on the wall at a Weight Watcher's naked calendar shoot. It's hideous, but you can't help but watch the terrible rippling effect.
Addman: Would you take offence if someone likened you to an alcoholic beverage?
Chiz: Not necessarily. Wine makes me giddy, but compare me to a Coors beer, and I'll be terribly vexed.
Judge Dredd - I Am The Law
Addman: "This dialogue is so snappy" "I can't tell what they're saying" "I hope the writers don't run of steam" "RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: "Why did you touch me!?"
Addman: "Because I couldn't help myself"
Chiz: "You invaded my privacy!"
Addman: "I am the privacy! RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: "Did you walk the dog?" "He wasn't whinning!" "He still may need to pee!" "RWOAAARW" *snatches the leash from the walk*
Addman: I think in future I'm going to use this technique to finish arguments.
Addman: "Have you taken the bins out?" "RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: Oddly enough, the women in the background has the most loose fitting clothes on the set.
Chiz: What's the purpose of sci-fi action movies other than to objectify women?
Addman: Who knew Judge Dredd would try and subvert gender stereotypes through it's costume design.
Addman: However, it puts back the Bear Civil Rights movement by a few decades. "RWOAAARRWW!"
Chiz: They were certainly Dredding on thin ice with that one.
X-Men: The Last Stand - I'm The Juggernaught, Bitch!
Addman: This certainly isn't the worst line of dialogue we've seen, but the delivery is terrible.
Chiz: I want to go into a fancy restaurant and yell, "Do you know who I am? I ordered sauerkraut, bitch!" Then flip the table over and charge the waitress.
Chiz: "Don't chu know oo why em?"
Addman: Careful there. Mocking English accents is a very sore subject for me. You are disrespecting the land of my forefathers.
Chiz: I knew I was venturing into dangerous territory with that one.
Addman: Vinnie Jones is considered a shaman amongst my people.
Chiz: Here I'll mock my American accent.
Chiz: "I'll have a hotdog, extra cheese."
Addman: Perfect! You nailed those stupid Americans!
Addman: Anyway, back on topic, do you think Vinnie Jones could have got a better fitting hat? It looks like they squeezed him into a Darth Vader prototype.
Chiz: Reminds me of Rick Moranis in Spaceballs.
Addman: "Don' chu know ooo oi em? I'm Seymour from Little Shop Of Horrors, Bitch!"
Chiz: His helmet kind of looks like Ellen Greene's hair from Little Shop Of Horrors!
Addman: Hmm, I'm sensing a conspiracy of some kind here. I'm going to track the hairstyles and hats throughout Hollywood history. I suspect I'll uncover the secret identities of the Illuminati.
The Matrix: Reloaded - Know What Happened Happened
Chiz: That sounds like something a couple would say following an awkward attempt at anal.
Addman: "It couldn't have happened any other way, without lube"
Chiz: "What happened, happened. If it happened any other way, the happenstance would not have happened. Ah, screw it let's watch Netflix and try to forget this ever happ... occurred."
Addman: Can you imagine doing 50+ takes of this scene? I bet Lawrence Fishbourne always screens new scripts. If it includes the word "happened", he turns it down flat.
Chiz: Perhaps he was so sick of the word that he used it 3 times in a sentence just to spite the director, and to return the favour, the director actually used the take.
Addman: I bet someone sent him a script for The Happening just to watch him freak out.
Chiz: I wonder how the scene would play out if spoken by the Architect. "Ergo, what latterly came to fruition, came to fruition. And could not have come to fruition under the duress of other such happenstance."
Addman: I can't even wrap my head around that. I guess it would fit into the Matrix Reloaded perfectly.
Chiz: Speaking of Matrix Reloaded, I wonder if the writer(s) were at a loss of words when it came to actually describing what the hell was going on, so they created this character with a vocabulary beyond human comprehension to try to cover the plot holes.
Addman: Yes, but they already had a character for that purpose. I thought Keanu Reeve's constant barrage of "What?" was trying to reflect that.
Chiz: In fact, I'm surprised Morpheus' cryptic, miniature speech didn't arouse a "What?" out of him.
Chiz: It must have been so out of his comprehension that his brain rebooted. His brain got the blue screen.
Addman: Which spawned a new sequel: The Matrix Rebooted.
Chiz: They probably consulted IT about that one.
Chiz: We're looking for a way to generate more profit from this money pit. Have any ideas?
Chiz: Did you try rebooting it?
Chiz: Brilliant!
Chiz: Going completely off topic, it kind of goes to show that Hollywood is essentially like an IT department.
Addman: IT isn't quite as glamorous though, unless you enjoy fat hairy nerds in cocktail dresses giving acceptance speeches about Naruto.
I'm afraid that we have reached the end of our little silver screen soiree. Now that these lessons have been learned, I fully expect all scriptwriters to learn from them, and for us to never see examples of bad writing in films ever again. I'd like to thank Chiz for being an able, willing and nubile partner during this whole thing, and I'd like to thank you for reading. But mainly, I'd like to thank myself and Chiz. Bye!
