July 4th, Independence Day. It is a holiday that is dear to us Americans. It was on this day that Will Smith and his posse of nerds deterred the infamous alien invasion.
As ignorant Earthlings, this occasion serves as a reminder that we are, in fact, not the only inhabitants of this immeasurable cosmos. Furthermore, we have proven to be rather fragile creatures in the face of extraterrestrial plasma gadgetry. Without the heroic actions of Mr. Will Smith, this entire planet would be reduced to an intergalactic bar and grille where we’d be forever shackled to fryolators and flattops, forced to serve the unappreciative, extraterrestrial families who ignore the high-pitched wails of their spawns while simultaneously leaving poor tips.
For this reason, I have brought it upon myself to erect the Institute of Future Will Smiths. Mr. Smith will not be around forever to combat the hoards of emotional robots, alien invaders, and mutated humans. So, what are we to do when one of these serious threats to humanity rears its unattractive, globular head in the future?
|Big Willy Style|
The Institute of Future Will Smiths follows a strict curriculum in order to ensure the comprehensive transformation of ordinary citizens into an army of rogue cops and Martian murderers. The core curriculum is as follows:
Maintaining boundless strength and energy.
Will Smith exercises 25 hours a day. It is our ambition to uphold the same requirements for our students. We have an endless supply of government approved adrenaline that is easily accessible at any one of our drinking fountains. Apart from lifting copious amounts of weights above their heads, the students will be further challenged by being pinned against several hazardous military prototypes. If Will Smith could disable an army of menstruating robots, our students are expected to, at the very least, take down a meager heavy tank archetype.
Uphold a witty and charismatic persona.
It is said that The Fresh Prince could charm the socks off of a zombified Janet Reno with nothing but a quick quip and closing line. Our students will be put through rigorous lesson plans in order to hone their abilities. Courses will include: Locked in a Room with the Cast of Frasier 101, Woo the Queen 234, and the ever-infamous Make Kristen Stewart Smile Onscreen 403.
Perfecting that stunning and infectious smile.
|Shiny Happy Incisors|
Our students will be able to blind Apollo and his army of solar deities with a glint of their flawless pearly whites. Our cafeteria diet follows that of the original Will Smith, himself. For breakfast, our students can enjoy a fresh bowl of toothpaste crust with a tall glass of Listerine to wash it all down. Already sound too good to be true? Well, listen to just a few of the lunch and dinnertime selections to choose from: Desalted saltines marinated in a peroxide-based gel, stacks of roasted whitening strips, and plain spaghetti with a rich bleach sauce!
Our curriculum has been approved and partially funded by Will Smith, himself. No longer will humanity be wary of what unforeseen enemy awaits in the abyss. With the graduating masses of Will Smiths, our world will be safe from all future supernatural threats.
Not everyone is cut out to be the next Will Smith, but you will never know unless you try. In the boner-inducing words of Will Smith,“If it was something that I really committed myself to, I don't think there's anything that could stop me becoming President of the United States.”
~The Institute of Milla Jovovich opens this Fall~