Friday, 20 July 2012

Classic Intercourse

Sex!  Sexy sex!  Sexual sextasy sex!  Now that I've got your attention, I'd like to talk to you about sex.

As humans, we love a bit of sex every so often.  This fact was scientifically proven by the sales figures of 50 Shades Of Grey, which was now sold more print copies than The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a rather depressing fact, I know).  Before this "50 Shades" book was written, women were physically and mentally incapable of having a wank.  Now, in this post-ladysex reality we are currently inhabiting, women simply refuse to stop strumming themselves stupid over the erotic thoughts of millionaire men who dupe them into signing rape contracts.  Or at least, that's what I've gathered from the media.  I've also gathered that these books are very badly written.

As you can tell, I've not read 50 Shades Of Grey, or any of the trilogy.  I can't comment on their content very much.  As an outsider, I find it difficult to imagine how the concept of legalised rape can take up to three novels to fully explore, but I guess I'm not the target audience.  It appears that there is an audience for this type of thing though, as the novels have single-handedly proven that there's a real market out there that not even Mills & Boon managed to satisfy.

However, I have come across an astonishing new trend.  Publishers are intending to rewrite classic novels in a more sexual format.  In the wake of this tidal wave of literotica, the bandwagon has formally rolled into town, stopping just long enough for publishers to shove a bunch of classics onto it.  The funniest part of that article is that Sherlock Holmes is being rewritten to include a homosexual romance with Dr Watson.

Here's where the trouble started

Of course, many purists are outraged that such classic literature is being desecrated by what is essentially bad fan fiction.  Their criticisms are well founded, as fan fiction is always 90% awful and 10% confusing.  The surprising thing about fan fiction is that it can spring up around any type of media.  For example, who on Earth would write fan fiction for the poorly received video game, Kane and Lynch?  I won't link you to it, but I assure you, it exists.  Even more surprising is that this type of fan fiction is about to hit the mainstream, and will be available in print.

But this got me thinking (I know, it's a rare occurrence).  Perhaps these stuffy old novels really do need to be sexed up a bit.  I've come up with a few ideas of my own, so publishers, if you're reading, I'm available and willing to write any of  these "mummy porn" novels for a modest fee:


Follows the struggles of pilots during World War 2 and their attempts to escape the pitfalls of an excessive, contradictory bureaucracy and numerous examples of STIs.

Nineteen Eighty-Whore

A young woman travels the dystopia of Eurasia whilst engaging in constant erotic liasons under the watchful eye of "Big Brother".

Of Pubic Lice And Men

The story of a man taking sexual advantage of his mentally disabled friend across the farmlands of depression-era California.  Includes many references to "petting soft things" and gloves "full of vaseline".

To Thrill A Mockingbird

A moving account of race relations in America, and how to sexually satisfy avian wildlife.

Lady Chatterley's Growler

Exactly the same as the original.

Anyway, why should I have all the fun?  I'll open the floor to you, dear readers.  What sexy classics would you to see?


As a bonus this Friday, I'd like to present another spam exchange.  I received an email from a Rachel Grey (50 Shades Of...hahaha!), and I had absolutely no idea what it was about:

I'll take this opportunity to introduce myself, my name is Rachel Grey,very nice to meet you. I work as a SEO manager for Optimized SEO.
I'm making a research for one of my partners and while doing soI noticed and I have few interesting suggestions for youand I would like to tell you more about them.
If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional informationand all the SEO details needed.
Thanks alot,
Rachel Grey

See?  What the hell does that mean?

Hi Rachel Grey,
I too am always making research.  The other week, I made an astounding research in the toilet.  I had to invite my neighbours over to look at it, it was such a research.
I hope you don't think I'm stupid, but what is an SEO?  I think I saw something about that on the Internet once.  Doesn't it stand for Sexy Erogenous Orgasm?  If so, I'd be very interested in more information, especially in Optimised SEOs.  Perhaps we could do a research on it?

This is is her response: are right have won 1 million dollars for your sense of stupidity :D..gaga

Ouch.  Not cool Rachel, not cool at all...


  1. Personally, I think that anyone who wants to read Fifty Shades of Grey should be forced to read Anne Rice's Beauty series first and see how that genre is supposed to be written.

    1. I kind of like Peter Griffin's idea of erotica. Paraphrasing here:

      "So Peter and Gina from my work started gettin' it on, and it was like, so hot. If you saw it you'd be like, 'yeah, that's hot'"

  2. There are now small puddles of pee around my desk as I hold in laughter. May I make a suggestion at Steven King's Misery the story is already there you just need to knock out a couple of rape based BDSM chapters and your sorted.

    1. There's a lot of Stephen King stuff that contains some pretty bizarre, terrifying sex scenes. I don't think they could be rewritten and made sexy. Take IT, for example.

  3. Of Public Lice and Men has some potential. By the way, haven't they done this since the beginning of the internet? It's called "slash fiction". I can find whole novels on Sherlock schtupping Watson. I could probably find Sherlock and Watson in an orgy with Pokemons and the Scooby Doo crew.
    And dude, I didn't think spammers would be so rude.

    1. Very true. That got me thinking of what an X Rated version of Scooby Doo would be like:

      Freddy: So, let's find out who touched up Velma inappropriately on the ghost train
      All: THE JANITOR!?!?
      Janitor: And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for my meddling with kids.

  4. So if I have my wife read 50 shades, I will get some? Or will I get less because she will be twanging herself instead?

    I'd like to read "The People Doing it Under the Stairs" by Stephen King.

    1. I'm not sure what type of correlation there is in regards to women going solo to the amount if sex they give/receive. If any ladies would like to step in and answer this, we'd appreciate it.

      Nice suggestion!

  5. Well it's nice to meet a spammer who has a sense of humour. Normally I don't agree with burning books at all, but seeing how Fifty Shades is essentially Twilight fanfiction (it really is -_-) I can say that I want to burn anything involving it, or bastards who want to destroy classic literature.

    1. Personally, I just think it's funny. As much as I don't want to reread old novels with awkward sex thrust into them for no apparent reason, it doesn't upset me as I can always just go and read the originals instead.

      I'll be OK until they make a movie of it. Then I might end up being dragged to see it.

  6. Is it time to subtract a minute from the Doomsday Clock, yet?

    I nearly soiled my pants a few times there. I especially like the description of Lady Chatterley's Growler.

    Here are some additional titles to ponder over:
    -The Five People You Meet in Heavens to Betsy!
    -Just A Wet Dream
    -20,000 Leagues Under The Sheets
    -Oliver Fist

    1. I really like Oliver Fist. Never before has a boy wanted more.

  7. It's nice to know that the reason our books can't get picked up by publishers is because people would rather read mass marketed mommy porn. Even classic literature mommy porn, apparently.

    How about Of Mice and Menstruation? (There's a scene in 50 Shades where she's on her period and the guy says, screw it, we're doing this, and rips her tampon right out of her. It's supposed to be totally sexy)

    Or how about Moby Dick? ... That one just kinda explains itself.

    1. WHAT?!

      I've seen some utter filth in my time. I found the torture scene in Reservoir Dogs to be amusing. I chortled my way through The Human Centipede and Hostel. I almost got thrown out of the cinema for laughing too hard in Sin City when Elijah Wood gets tied to a tree and a dog starts gnawing at his limb stumps. However, that scene you just described from 50 Shades Of Grey is obscene, and I am officially offended! I intend to write to my MP immediately.

  8. A fact that is possibly worse than The Very Hungry Caterpillar being outsold by utter filth, is that my very own mother, the woman who gave birth to me and made my packed lunches for school as a kid, is currently reading it.
    I feel ashamed and bemused by this confession of hers. A part of soul has just vomited all over itself.

    My suggestion for a book would be - Alice through the looking glass: A time honoured tale of a young eastern European girl who gets hooked on glue or sniff (or whatever kids take these days) and is forced to touch and dance with herself in front a seaman smeared perspex in Amsterdam..... I read that.

    1. Alice through the peephole sounds like a good idea. Set it in the 30's and call it an expose on old style peep shows, and you could call it art.

  9. Since rape fiction seems to be the hot topic and we're now bringing the classics into it, it seems only natural that the next one will be "The Rapist in the Rye". Instead of spending three days trying to lose his innocence, he spends three days taking the innocence of others.

  10. Women are eating these books up. I have to imagine a movie will come soon

    1. An inevitable conclusion. I wonder if the above tampon scene will make the cut.

  11. Rachel is an asshole. I guess that's what happens to a girl when a millionaire gives it to her in dirty, dirty ways. At least, I think he does. I have not read the book either, and plan on keeping it that way.

    1. Ditto, although I don't think I'm the target audience. Still, I think you're doing the right thing by avoiding these books.


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