Competition Time

Muppets For Justice is a free enterprise which provides endless entertainment to the masses at no cost.  How do we manage to keep the wolf from the door without a pay wall or advertisements?  Well, mainly because I perform sexual favours down at my local ISP's offices.  However, all is about to change, and my palms finally have the chance to recover. Muppets For Justice is proud to announce a new corporate sponsor!

As a thank you for being such loyal masochists-I mean readers, you have the chance to win a voucher for spectacles, or some other shit.  I received an email from a company called Firmoo, who were eager to make business dealings with me:

Hello,
Are you searching for sponsors ? Do you wanna encourage the interaction with your followers on your social networks ?

Firmoo.com, an online optical store, would like to sponsor you a giveaway on any of your social sites like blog, YouTube, Instagram or Pinterest. You can host a contest for us particularly or you can just put the prizes we offer in the contest you are running.

If you are interested in this offer, you can start to create the contest post right away after get this email. How to proceed this can be found below:

About the prizes:
Vouchers valued at $150 in total. You have to draw 5 persons to win the voucher. Each of them are able to get a $30 voucher. Shipping is excluded. The vouchers are toward the purchases of glasses from this page http://www.firmoo.com/z/firmoo-sponsored-giveaway.html .
About the rules:
Share this contest on Facebook/Twitter.
You can set the other tasks you like.

About the period:
It is suggested to last 7 days, but you can extend it a bit longer if you like.

Finally, it is an international giveaway, but please put this link http://www.firmoo.com/help-p-84.shtml in your post where you can find all the counties we deliver our products to.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me back if you have any questions.
We are looking forward to your response.
Firmoo.com

Naturally, I'd give anything to sell this Blog down the river, so I leaped at the opportunity:

Dear Mr Firmoo,

I was delighted to hear about your eyeglass vouchers.  I run an eye-piece fansite called Muppets For Justice, so I imagine my readers would be thrilled to recieve awesome vouchers for optical accessories.

I would love to hold a competition and give my loyal enthusiasts the chance to run their peepers over your range of glasses, but I have a few questions first.

1)  Do your glasses work in the UK?

2)  Do I need any artistic ability in order to draw the winners?  I did take an evening class on life drawings, but got expelled for painting in the nude.

3)  Do the vouchers cover anything other than spectacles?  Some of my elite readers won't go for a vanilla pair of glasses.  They are usually to be seen sporting monocles, bejewelled binoculars, or sometimes they just strap prisms to their faces.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to telling my readers about this exciting opportunity.

Thanks

A perfectly reasonable set of questions, I'm sure you'll agree.  The next day I received the following response from, who I assume to be Mr Firmoo's daughter.  Miss Tina Firmoo:

Hi,

Thank you so much for your email and glad to learn that you are interested in working with us.
We do have lots of regular customers from UK. You can choose the 5 winners by random.
The $30 can apply to the frame, 1.50 single lenses. The upgrade lenses will be charged for an extra fee. Shipping is excluded.
Please email me the link to the giveaway once it is up. Any other questions, feel free to contact me.

Regards,

Tina

Any other questions?  That's just bait for idiots like me.  I wasn't sure what kind of contest to run, so I decided to ask Miss Tina Firmoo for some advice:

Dear Tina Firmoo,

Thank you very much for replying to my questions.  I've spoken to a couple of my regular readers and they appear rather stoked about this contest.  They can't wait to get their hands on those delicious vouchers.

However, I'm still not sure what kind of contest I'm going to run on my Blog.  I have a few notions that I'm mulling over, and since you seem to be a competition expert, I would very much appreciate your input.  Please let me know what you think of my ideas:

A) Entrants must express their love of contact lenses through the medium of interpretive dance.  They will send in videos of themselves performing the dance, and we will judge who conveys their excitement most effectively.  Bonus points if you can get a dog to dance.

B) Erotic fanfiction involving characters with visual impairments.  Entrants must choose two fictional characters with glasses and express their lust in graphic detail, pausing only to push their glasses further up the bridge of their nose.

C) A "Who Can Look At The Sun Longest Through A Telescope" competition.  Video evidence must be provided.

What do you think?

Thanks

Tina Firmoo replies:

Hi,
We usually do not set any rules for reader to enter the giveaway we sponsor. However, if it is the way you interact with your fans. I think it is Ok. 
Regards,

Tina

So if I usually molest my fans, you'd think that was okay too?  Giving me free reign over a project like this is just asking for disaster:

Dear Tina Firmoo,

Okay, it's fantastic to know that you trust my judgement unequivocally.  It has given me the confidence to make a decision on this matter.

That is why I have launched a "How would you woo Tina Firmoo?" competition.  Entrants must provide a 5000 word essay on what they would like to do with you on a date.  I've already asked some of my readers and, being the lonely eye-glass enthusiasts that they are, they are rather exicted to date a woman outside of a Steampunk rally. One guy chap said he'd like to take you ice fishing.  Another said he would take you to the cinema to see Terminator 2, provided you wore a clockwork outfit, 200 belts that don't give any support, and occasionally emitted scalding steam from your ears.  I said I'd see what I could do.

Do you have preferred type of date?  The winner would be the person who describes a scenario close to your ideal date. 

Thanks

And then, for some strange reason, the replies dried up. My guess is that she took one look at the creepy weirdo portfolio that is my fanbase and chickened out.  Yet again I have been thwarted by my legions of ugly readers.  I hope you folks are happy with yourselves!

Flik And Princess Atta Are In Peril

My friends, I'm not quite sure how to break this to you, but some terrible, underhand politics are afoot within the Disney corporation.

I recieved an email out of the blue from Tracy Robben. For those who don't know, Tracy is a freedom fighter who is battling the tyranny of Walt's minions.  She's on the front line everyday, fighting their oppresive regime, as the email below clearly demonstrates:

Hello. My name is Tracy.

I'm emailing you today because I want to share a petition that I've created with you.
This petition is for saving Flik and Princess as permanent characters at Walt Disney World. Flik recently retired from meet-&-greets by "It's Tough to Be a Bug!" at Animal Kingdom back in March 2012, and Dug and Russell replaced him. And Flik and Princess Atta could only be seen in the Pixar Pals' Countdown to Fun parade at Hollywood Studios, which ended on April 6th. Now Flik is not appearing in Walt Disney World anywhere! And I want to see him again.

Here's the petition: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dug-and-russell-should-move-to-the-trail-leading/. It would be great if you could sign it and send it to your friends and family who would be willing to help. And don't worry about the donation thing after signing it. Just ignore it.

Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Tracy Robben

I was sickened to my core by this news.  Although I had to Google Flik and Princess Atta, I was still outraged.  It turns out that they were the main charcters from Pixar's often overlooked 1998 classic, A Bug's Life.  How dare Disney try to remove unpopular characters from a sixteen year old film which was (and let's be fair here) a bit shit?  Thank God Flik and Atta have a paragon of virtue in the form of Tracy Robben, who loves them to the point of fetishisation.  I decided that I must also join this rebel faction and stand up for these characters.

Dear Tracy,

I was saddened to see that Flik and Princess Otto are being persecuted for being tiny insects.  We all know that Walt Disney was a tyrant who hated the Jews, so it's not a logical disconnect to call him a Nazi sympathiser.  This facist extremism is exactly the kind of behaviour that the Disney corporation is employing with their handling of Flik and the gang.

I will not stand for this.  In the past I've sat back and let far too many Disney characters fall by the wayside.  Remember Oswald?  Despite being a bag of crap, the Disney corporation should have stuck by their creation rather than going with Mickey Mouse and transforming themselves into a world-leading media corporation in the process.  I will stand up for the lesser characters in the Disney stable and fight for their rights!

Anyway, I am prepared to sign your petition and attend any protests that you may wish to organise.  I will attend the protest with placards saying "Down With Nazis" and "Up With The Ant Princess".  If you would like me to make a sign for you then just let me know.  I also know the name of a good rotten fruit seller, should you require some for the demonstration.

Thanks

P.S. How do I sign the petition?  I tried to write my signature on the screen, but I think I may have ruined my monitor.

I waited patiently for a response.  I had to wait an entire 30 minutes before I recieved this robust reply:

Just click on the link and it will take you to the petition. Then all you do is sign your name and leave an optional comment.


Wow, thanks Tracy.  You comprehensively answered every subtle nuance of my email, and now I feel satisfied.  To be fair to Tracy, she's probably far too busy drawing Disney characters in sexual embraces to answer my trivial questions.  This Goofy on Pluto fanfiction ain't gonna write itself!  Regardless, I replied:

Hi Tracy,

Thank you for your prompt reply. It is asking me to leave a donation but I don't know what to do or how much to give. I'm not very good with these things. One time I gave my bank details to a Kenyan princess via email. She said she needed to store her father's gold deposits in my account, but somehow funds were taken from my account instead. Alas, this is the story of my life in this cyber world.

I also have another concern. Would the reintroduction of Frik and Princess Attack somehow cause harm to their replacements, Dug and Russell? I'm rather partial to Dug and Russell. I wouldn't wish them any ill will and I am against segregation of any kind, especially between Pixar characters. I'm so against segregation that I cried for six weeks when they removed my parasitic twin brother. Why can't we all just get along?

Eagerly awaiting your reponse.

I waited an eternity for said response.  37 minutes precisely.  It's almost as if she's in the same time zone as me...

You don't have to worry about that donation thing. And this is not a bad idea at all. Many people think it's a good idea.

So we're agreed, getting along with your fellow man is a good idea.  I doubt our mutual enemy will agree.

Hi Tracy,

I'm glad that you agree that we should all get along.  The world should deconstruct it's social barriers and learn to love other in one big, hot, sweaty mess.  Don't you agree?

With that in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if Walt "Apartheid" Disney wouldn't let Russell and Dug and Flikr and Princess Amidala all stand together and give autographs.  He'd probably make them brawl to the death in some kind of arena setting, with the winner being allowed to sign autographs on this particular turf.

By the way, I'm getting started on the signs for the protest.  What colour would you like?  I've Gold or Brown.  Let me know if you have any ideas for slogans.  I'm going with "Let's Unfreeze Walt's Head And Kick It Around The Carpark".

Thanks

Less than five minutes later, I recieved this:

Sure. And you know, someday whenever you visit Disney World. You should stop at Guest Relations in Animal Kingdom and explain how you feel about these characters not appearing in the park anymore.

Two points: 

1)  I'm sure customer relations have better things to deal with than adults who are angry over niche Disney characters.
2) What colour signs does she want?  She failed to even acknowledge this part of my email.

Hi Tracey,

Someday?  You're assuming that I don't visit Dinsey World on a regular basis.  I'm there nearly everyday, on the front lines, protesting against this cartoon factory of hate and prejudice.  Last week I nailed Simba right between the eyes with a maggot-laden tomato.  I now have to pay some medical bills for the guy in the suit, but at least I proved a point.

Also, you didn't answer my question about the sign I'm making for you.  I just found a piece of green card under my sofa, so you can have a sign that's half green and half gold if you'd prefer.

Thanks

I think that's reasonable question.  I expect an answer.

You don't have to make a payment or a donation.

Hmm, it would appear that Tracy is starting to lose faith in her own campaign.  Why does this always happen to me?  At this point, the conversation fizzled out and I never got to meet Tracey and join her unique band of merry Bugs Life enthusiasts.  It would seem that Walt has won this round, but wait until the death squads come knocking for Woody or Stitch!  We must act now to prevent this genocide from coming to fruition.  Please sign my petition by leaving a comment of support in the box below.  Thanks.

Time Traveling Sodomy

Some of you may have noticed that Muppets For Justice has been inundated with spam.  I wasn’t going to write about it since spam is something that affects all of us.  Even the fly-ridden orphans working on Delhi’s rubbish dumps have seen a Nigerian Millionaire scam email. 

My daily routine involves getting to work, plonking myself down at my desk, then promptly checking Blogger to see how many spam comments I have to delete before starting any work.  As I most scrolling through the horribly generic spiel of 100 different spam commenters, one of them stood out.  Here it is, unaltered in its full insane glory: 

My newest time travelin' mission is to persuade the masses to engage in consensual sodomy, prostitution, and, after a number of spots can be only $200. Simple enough the growing trend is partly due to intelligent people having less children than the obtuse. Usman, 26, of Pittsburgh allegedly robbed a woman for $60 -- and then we were behind the stage.

It then included a link to a Fleshlight, which I have removed so as not to help the spammer and because I’m sure you are all more than capable of finding your own Fleshlights.  However, I was delighted to receive correspondence from a time travelling sexual industrialist. 

Most people only travel through time to alert themselves to future dangers, to save loved ones, or conceive themselves in confusing time paradoxes.  However, a man who travels through time solely for consensual sodomy and prostitution sounds like a winner in my book.  I think this is very definition of using your powers for the greater good.  I’m sure there are many historical figures who would have benefited from the erotic enlightenment that a time travelling sex-monger would provide.  Perhaps Catherine The Great wouldn’t have resorted to horses if someone had bought her a Rampant Rabbit.  Maybe Hitler’s eugenics program wouldn’t have got a tad out of hand if he realised the sexual potential of other creeds through a pop-up Karma Sutra.  What I’m saying is, sexually satisfied people are happy people, a fact which might alter the course of history.

Think about it.  How could you have a 100 year war when all the combatants have had Viagra crunched up into their water supply?  It would make charging an enemy flank a little uncomfortable.

The time machine I'm working on.  Project Sex Sleigh.

Perhaps this thought has struck me more since I’ve recently started watching Heroes.  Yes, I know I’m so out of date it hurts, however one of the main characters from the show can travel back and forward through time.  He tries to impress a girl using his powers and, although she thinks he is a creepy magician at first, eventually she falls for him.  I believe that Hiro is a pioneer, however, I intend to refine his technique further.  I would go back to prehistoric times and get my swag on.  I’d wear my best suit and take with me some razors, lube, aphrodisiacs and several bottles of tequila.  Once I indoctrinated the people using these items I would create an erotic revolution, turning Homo Sapiens into Homo Erectus.  Unfortunately, I’ve yet to develop this super power, so I’ll put this plan on the backburner for now.

When time travel becomes a viable future technology, I vow to use this advancement to go back in time and make love to the all-time classic beauties of history.  I will recruit Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Lindsay Lohan into my harem.  Please bear in mind that I only do this for the benefit of mankind.  My sexual sacrifice will ensure a peaceful and prosperous world for you all, so you should support my endeavours and help me build my time machine.  I need your donations!  Quick, before my shower runs out of cold water!

Classic Intercourse

Sex!  Sexy sex!  Sexual sextasy sex!  Now that I've got your attention, I'd like to talk to you about sex.

As humans, we love a bit of sex every so often.  This fact was scientifically proven by the sales figures of 50 Shades Of Grey, which was now sold more print copies than The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a rather depressing fact, I know).  Before this "50 Shades" book was written, women were physically and mentally incapable of having a wank.  Now, in this post-ladysex reality we are currently inhabiting, women simply refuse to stop strumming themselves stupid over the erotic thoughts of millionaire men who dupe them into signing rape contracts.  Or at least, that's what I've gathered from the media.  I've also gathered that these books are very badly written.

As you can tell, I've not read 50 Shades Of Grey, or any of the trilogy.  I can't comment on their content very much.  As an outsider, I find it difficult to imagine how the concept of legalised rape can take up to three novels to fully explore, but I guess I'm not the target audience.  It appears that there is an audience for this type of thing though, as the novels have single-handedly proven that there's a real market out there that not even Mills & Boon managed to satisfy.

However, I have come across an astonishing new trend.  Publishers are intending to rewrite classic novels in a more sexual format.  In the wake of this tidal wave of literotica, the bandwagon has formally rolled into town, stopping just long enough for publishers to shove a bunch of classics onto it.  The funniest part of that article is that Sherlock Holmes is being rewritten to include a homosexual romance with Dr Watson.

Here's where the trouble started

Of course, many purists are outraged that such classic literature is being desecrated by what is essentially bad fan fiction.  Their criticisms are well founded, as fan fiction is always 90% awful and 10% confusing.  The surprising thing about fan fiction is that it can spring up around any type of media.  For example, who on Earth would write fan fiction for the poorly received video game, Kane and Lynch?  I won't link you to it, but I assure you, it exists.  Even more surprising is that this type of fan fiction is about to hit the mainstream, and will be available in print.

But this got me thinking (I know, it's a rare occurrence).  Perhaps these stuffy old novels really do need to be sexed up a bit.  I've come up with a few ideas of my own, so publishers, if you're reading, I'm available and willing to write any of  these "mummy porn" novels for a modest fee:


Catch-Syphilis


Follows the struggles of pilots during World War 2 and their attempts to escape the pitfalls of an excessive, contradictory bureaucracy and numerous examples of STIs.


Nineteen Eighty-Whore


A young woman travels the dystopia of Eurasia whilst engaging in constant erotic liasons under the watchful eye of "Big Brother".


Of Pubic Lice And Men


The story of a man taking sexual advantage of his mentally disabled friend across the farmlands of depression-era California.  Includes many references to "petting soft things" and gloves "full of vaseline".


To Thrill A Mockingbird

A moving account of race relations in America, and how to sexually satisfy avian wildlife.


Lady Chatterley's Growler


Exactly the same as the original.

Anyway, why should I have all the fun?  I'll open the floor to you, dear readers.  What sexy classics would you to see?

-----------

As a bonus this Friday, I'd like to present another spam exchange.  I received an email from a Rachel Grey (50 Shades Of...hahaha!), and I had absolutely no idea what it was about:

Hi,                        

I'll take this opportunity to introduce myself, my name is Rachel Grey,very nice to meet you. I work as a SEO manager for Optimized SEO.

I'm making a research for one of my partners and while doing soI noticed muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com and I have few interesting suggestions for youand I would like to tell you more about them.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional informationand all the SEO details needed.

Thanks alot,

Rachel Grey

See?  What the hell does that mean?

Hi Rachel Grey,

I too am always making research.  The other week, I made an astounding research in the toilet.  I had to invite my neighbours over to look at it, it was such a research.

I hope you don't think I'm stupid, but what is an SEO?  I think I saw something about that on the Internet once.  Doesn't it stand for Sexy Erogenous Orgasm?  If so, I'd be very interested in more information, especially in Optimised SEOs.  Perhaps we could do a research on it?

Thanks

This is is her response:

wow.you are right ...you have won 1 million dollars for your sense of stupidity :D..gaga

Ouch.  Not cool Rachel, not cool at all...

My Marriage To Miranda Prez

Here at Muppets For Justice, we're used to having a lot of fun.  We take life with a pinch of salt, laugh carelessly into the cavernous void of the Internet, and take very little of it seriously.  In fact, There are very few topics left non-ridiculed by these pages.

However, today I come to you with a message.  I received a heart warming email from a Miss Miranda Prez.  She's a Kenyan heiress to a massive fortune, that is being kept back from her by her evil step mother. I'll let her explain:

My Dear,

I know that we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the internet in search of trusted person who can assist me urgently and save my life.

My name is Mirinda Prez John 24 years old female from the Republic of Kenya, the daughter of Late Mr Prez John. My late father was a Kenyan lawyer and human rights activist who was the Chief Executive Officer and Communications and Advocacy Officer of the Oscar Foundation Free Legal Aid Clinic Kenya (OFFLACK). My Father was brutally shot dead on Thursday 5Th March 2009 after a government spokesman accused their group of aiding a criminal gang. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/792787 3.stm

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 5.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.

I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf.I had wan ted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 40% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

Yours s incerely,
Miss Mirinda Prez John

Now, if I remember my fairy tales correctly, it's that evil step mothers are to be avoided at all costs.  I felt touched by the appalling predicament Miranda was in, and decided to help:

Dear Miranda,

I am shocked to hear about the sudden death of your father, Elvis Prez.  I can empathise with you as my father was also killed while standing up for what he believed in.  The hospital told him that if he kept drinking bacon grease, he wouldn't last 6 months.  He refused to give in to the reaper and he persisted with his passion.  It was both horrifying and inspiring to watch him fill up his Batman glass with pig grease every morning.

I am also sorry to hear about your wicked step mother.  No doubt she tried to lock you in the cellar and force you to do chores while her and her ugly daughters went to the royal ball.

Anyway, as we have a lot in common, I'm willing to help you.  What would you like me to do?    Do you need to send me the lock combination to your safe so I can collect the money?

Thanks

She responds:

Hello Dear

I am very happy that you have replied my mail. Everything I told you is my true life history and the real truth.  I do not dout what you said. My own father,s name was used but the cannot get my father bank information. Also I have identified myself in person to my father, bank.

Please, I need your help to stand as my trustee so that you will transfer the money into your bank account and assist me for investment in your Country. At the moment, I am staying in the Church mission herein Burkina Faso. If you wish to speak with me on phone, I`m sending to you the telephone number of Apostle Jerome Kakumar because he is in charge of all the refugees seeking to secure asylum through the Church mission. The telephone number is +226 74 09 04 13. Please If you call, tell him that you want to speak with Miss.Mirinda Prez John. I am staying in female block No. 15A.

On my arrival here, I met the branch manager of the bank in person and I explained to him that I have come to clear the money in father`s Bank account. But, he told me that my refugee status in Burkina Faso is not authorized by law to transfer the money because of the procedures involved. He advised me to provide a trustee who would be representing me so that he or she can transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to present my step mother as my trustee. But I am afraid that she will betray my trustee. My reason for being afraid of her is because after the burial of my father, she and my uncle arrange secretly and sold my father`s estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves. I confronted them and my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land forbidden me from sharing my father`s estate because I am still single.

Since my father died, they have been maltreating me and I took them to Court to seek for justice, but the case is still pending in the Court before one of my step mother`s confidant advised me to leave for another Country. She revealed to me that my step mother is planning to kill me so that the case will also die. However, this is the reason why I left my Country. I am alone and always in pains. There is hunger and Suffering in place. But I am trusting in God. All my hope of survival lies in this money. Beside, the mission is only catering for my accommodation and making sure I am safe from any harm. Concerning the issue of expenses during this transaction if there be any, I map out 10% to cover the expenses while 40% is your commission for helping me. Bringing it to 50% which you will deduct as soon as you receive the money into your bank account

Please, send me your full contact information:
Your full name:
Contact address:
Direct telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your ID Card

As soon as I receive your contact information, I will submit it to the bank and inform them that you are my trustee and we have concluded arrangement that you will transfer the money to your bank account for investment in your Country. Also, I will send you the contact of the bank and you will contact them as well to give you the procedures of transferring the money to your bank account. Immediately you receive the money into your bank account, you will send me some amount to process my traveling documents which I will use for my traveling to your Country where I have chosen to settle in life and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply and I wish you a peaceful and lovely day. Attached are my photos

Yours truly
Miss Mirinda Prez John
Attachment

If you don't want to read that wall of text, the basic gist is that her step mother is trying to kill her to get her money, so she needs to transfer it to me instead.  The highlight of which was the wonderful picture she sent me, as above.  I wanted to help her, if only to rally against evil step mothers from across the globe:

Dear Miranda Press,

I was pleased that you sent me your picture. You look like a trustworthy person. In fact, you look rather glamorous for someone living in a hostel. Women in refuges usually let themselves go.  Their tears usually wash away the makeup quite quickly, so it's a nice change to see someone who's a bit more glam.

I am very willing to help you.  Your step mother sounds like an evil cow, pardon my French.  I want to help you if only to stick it to evil step mothers everywhere!

Here are the answers to the questions you questioned me about, wanting answers:

Name:  Adam "ThunderThighs" Pancake (maiden name: Jones)
Address:  123 Fabrication Way
Direct telephone numbers:  02011-793020
Age: 24 and 12 months
Occupation:  Self employed (I sell fire extinguishers at the side of the road.  I just find them lying around in glass cabinets on trains).
Marital Status:  Green
Nationality:  British (although I am planning to emigrate to Sealand).
ID Card:  I don't have one.  But I can send you a photo of me on a drunken night out if you like.

I would like to call you on the number you provided to talk about our business dealings further.  I could also tell you which universities you can study at while in my country.  Our glorious leader, David Cameron, would welcome your money and non-EU status.

Thanks

Me

Stupidly, I meant to ask her if she wanted my bank account number and sort code, but forgot to do so.  I intended to use this as bait into sending me another response.  As a result, I wasn't really expecting her to reply, since the answers I gave to her questions were obviously fake.  How wrong I was:

Hello Dear,
Thanks for your urgent respond to my mail and  please I want you to help me out from this suffering i fined myself  because i believe you will bring back my joy and happiness I have lost since the death of my parents which I prayed with the Rev.Father before contacting you and please  fill the remaining space also add your bank account information where my inheritance will transfer after you contact the bank and forward the below email to the bank now through their bank email address (eoc.bf.bank@bk.ru) including your bank account information where the money will be transferred because the bank are waiting to attend to you as my appointed trustee since I have already written a letter authorization to them confirming you as my appointed over my inheritance.

APPLICATION AS TRUSTEE TO THE NEXT OF KIN  ACCOUNT HOLDER LATE MR.Prez John A/C N°:003310166488. SORT CODE:IMFBF07 24.


I’Mr.Adam Pancake,
FROM: 123 Fabrication Way,
Nationality: British,
TELEPHONE: 02011-793020,
Passport:.....,
OCCUPATION:Self Employed,
AGE: 24years,
SEX: Male,
MARITAL STATUS: Single,

humbly apply to your bank as trustee to Miss Mirinda Prez John. The next of kin to your deceased customer, Late Hon. Mr.Prez John. Who past away. and I am taking this liberty to inform the management of your bank to effect an immediate release and transfer of my partner inherited fund valued at (USD$5.7 Million) Into my account because I will be helping her to invest the fund in my country while she will be here and further her education. Am wishing that my application will be given an immediate attention. Thanking you for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully

Wow.  Now, I was a little confused at this point.  I imagine that she wanted me to send my account number and sort code to this new email address she'd provided (which is totally trustworthy because it has the word "bank" in it).  Due to my confusion, problems arose:

Hi Miranda,
I tried to email that address you sent to me, but something went weird on my computer and now I am scared.  When I went to click the link, a laughing noise came of out the speakers.  It was an evil laugh, like a wounded seal in a rotating drum. 

Because I was scared, I went to see a policeman.  The policeman said I probably have a virus.  When I told him about our arrangement, he said it sounds like a scam and that I should be careful about giving bank details to strangers online.  I told him that you weren't a stranger.  I told him you were the great Miranda Prez, daughter of El Prezidente, and that the hardships you've overcome in your life mean that you'd never scam someone.  Besides, it's you who's giving me money, so there's more potential for me to be the scammer, right? 

Anyway, as I'm scared that the laughing noise may come back, can I just send you my details?  If I send them to you via a reply to this email, surely you could forward them onto the bank for me. 

Much appreciated.

I thought the involvement of the police might scare her off.  Wrong again!

Hello Dear 

How are you and your business I hope all is well? I received your letter and you said that you take my problem to police upon all my condition I told that am pacing through in the camp please if you need to help me forward the information to me so that I can help you to send the information to the bank I will like you to keep this thing secret between tow of us if the is anything which you don’t understand tell my so that I will explain to you to avoid any mistake because I want to come to your country to finish my studies so that I will do business with you and we can married each order please I need your help so that the bank will attend to you, Monday morning thanks for you care I hope to from you soonest. 

Your faithfully
Miss Mirinda Prez.

Wait, hang on, marriage?  How do I get myself into these things?!

Hi Miranda,
You want to marry me? I always knew I was a hit with the ladies, but I didn't expect that I'd be able to seduce a perfect stranger via email. 

I'm starting to plan our wedding. The colour scheme will be green and brown. Your dress will be made out goose feathers, and my tux will be made from solidified goose fat. If you haven't noticed, I also own a goose farm. One of your wifely duties will be to attend to these geese. They do enjoy pecking new people though. Especially on the boobs. 

As for keeping this a secret, I don't think my mum would forgive me if I got married without inviting her. Don't you want your step mother to give you away? Sure, she's a bitch, but weddings are all about family. 

Anyway, let me know what kind of bank details you need from me. I don't know what details you need. I can tell you that the manager is named John, and that the building is grade 2 listed. Other than that, I don't know what the fuck. 

Thanks. 

P.S. Is it a problem if I already have a wife? I said I was single before, but I forgot that I married a Nigerian Princess in similar circumstances last year. I really need to find out where she went.

I hoped that would put her off and make her realise that marriage wasn't an option.  Looks like I'm wrong for a third time:

Hello Dear

How are you and your business I hope all well? I received your email with understood that you didn’t understand my explanation I mean that you should not disclose the transaction to any body let it be between two of use, the issue of married I told you the is no any time you will do married me without you family being away of my marriage so I cannot told you to not tell you to not tell your family ok understand me now  do something fast to avoid me die hear in the camp because am suffering even to eat is a problem please let my condition touch your mined for my rescue I so believe I you I need your urgent reply soonest. 

Yours faithfully
Miss Mirinda Prez.

Looks like Miranda can't read.  Perhaps her reading comprehension is linked to her "suffering to eat".

Hi Miranda Pez 

Why is it a problem to eat? Is the food awful? I can remember once when I volunteered at the homeless shelter, they had some carrot and corriander soup which was disgusting. One of the other volunteers said that I shouldn't be eating the soup, but I considered it a perk of the job, since we weren't getting paid. In the end, I threw the soup all over him and stormed out. That's the kind of charitable guy I am. 

Anyway, I've been trying to find a way in which I can marry you whilst still having another wife. The only way we can do it is to convert to mormonism, but I'm not prepared to wear pastel slacks and give up drinking, not even to save your life. I'm sorry. Can't you just send me some money? I'm getting impatient now. 

Cheers

Thanks for reading.  I hope this has encouraged you to marry Kenyan millionaires in order to help them escape their evil step mothers.  If we all work together, we can help to undo this evil.

My Inbox Is Spam

Long time readers might recall that I have a penchant for replying to spammers.  In a similar fashion to playing the lottery, you know that the one Ugandan millionaire who you fail to reply to will be the one who is genuine.  I'll be damned if I'm missing out on that opportunity.

Naturally, I tend to get a fair amount of spam because I have the tendency to reply.  Most of it doesn't tend to go anywhere, but recently I've had a couple that have led to amusing exchanges.  I thought I'd post them here so that they aren't a complete waste of time.  Today's post focusses on Nenny, a Swiss lady who has more money than healthy breast tissue, as you'll soon find out:

BELOVED,

GREETINGS DEAR BLOVE ONE. I AM MRS NENNY WILLIAMS FROM SWITZERLAND,BUT BASED HERE IN UNITED KINGDOM LONDON, A WIDOW TO MR ANDREW WILLIAMS I AM 55 YEARS OLD,SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST, FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WONT LIVE MORE THAN MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE.MY LATE HUSBAND DIED LAST FIVE YEARS HERE IN LONDON,WE WERE MARRIED FOR ELEVEN YEAR WITHOUT A CHILD .MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN 2 MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DEVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA,AND EUROPE.AND I SELECTED YOU AFTER MY PRAYED OVER IT.

I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF ( 2.800.000.00.) TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NO THAT THIS FUND IS LYING IN THE BANK HERE IN LONDON. ONCE I HEAR FROM YOU, I WILL FORWARD TO YOU ALL THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL USE TO GET THIS FUND RELEASED FROM THE BANK AND TO BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE SURE FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.YOUR SISTER IN CHRISTMRS NENNY WILLIAMS

Poor Nenny.  I'd feel sorry for her if it wasn't for the fact that she's an utter fabrication.  In good Christian spirit (why do they always assume that you're religious?), I decided to write back:

Dearest, beloved Nenny,

I am so happy that you contacted me in caps.  We only get a limited time on this Earth, so I'm pleased to see that you are using the small time you have left to pass your wealth over to random strangers via the Internet. 

It seems that you are a good christian woman, and I am a good christian man.  I would happily use the money to build several African schools, churches, church schools, and schurches.  It would be the least I could do after receiving such a generous sum of money.  I would have to take some money myself for my general living, expenses, mortgage, speedboat, and a fleet of suicide geese, but the rest would go to Africa.  Honest

Also, you failed to mention the currency of the 2,800,000.00.  Is that in pounds, rupees, or 'favours'?  I'm severely in debt in 'favours', so this would go a long way to clearing that debt.

Thanks
Me

Nenny seems to mix her business with religion rather a lot.  It's like Jesus is her own personal financial advisor.

BELOVED

PLEASE FORGIVE THE HASTE OF THIS MESSAGE.  I AM RUNNING ON TIGHT SCHEDULE AND THE DEADLINE IS SHORTCOMING AND ONLY SEVERAL DAYS REMAIN. THE BANK REQUIRE SOME OF YOUR DETAILS FIRST IN ORDER TO TRANSACTION THIS.FIRST THEY WILL NEED YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.  SECOND THEY NEED THE NAME OF YOUR BANK.  THIRD THEY NEED YOUR SORT CODE.  PLEASE PROVIDE AND WE CAN PRESS ON THIS.

MY HEARTEST THANKS GO TO YOU FOR THIS.  I HAD HOPED IN GOD THAT I WOULD FIND A MAN TO HELP ME CONTINUE MY AMBITION.

Can you imagine my joy at receiving this email?  After a heartest breakfast, I decided to reply:

Dear Nenny-Wenny,

I am pleased that I can make your dreams come true.  This means that I am no longer lying on my Match.com profile.

My heartest goes out to you in the heartest fashion over your breastest condition.  By the way, have you considered using the money to go private and get some treatment for your illness?  Never mind.

As for the bank details, I'm afraid I'm having a few problems finding them.  I went to see my bank (i.e.Tony "The Shark" Tickett who works in a warehouse near the docks), and he said that he wouldn't give me my bank details over a "crazy scam".  I insisted that God was guiding our transaction, but he wouldn't believe me.  He did kindly lend me the bus fare home though, which is set at 1200% APR, which means that my manageable monthly repayments will be £14,972 a month.  I don't earn that much , but since I'm such a shrewd financial person, I'll just take out another loan to pay it off.  Anyway, is there another way I can find out these details for you?

Yours heartestly
Addman

Apparently, going to my bank wasn't such a great move:

BELOVED 

YOU DO NOT REQUIRE YOUR BANK MANAGER FOR THIS TRANSACTION.  IF YOU HAVE A STATEMENT THE DETAILS WILL BE ON THERE.  YOU CAN SCAN DOCUMENT IF YOU HAVE SCAN OPTION.

I PRAY FOR YOUR SPEED AND UNDERSTANDING IN THIS MANNER. I MAY SAY THAT THERE WILL BE A SMALL PROCESSING FEE BUT DO NOT WORRY FOR THIS.  PAYMENT WILL FOLLOW SHORTLY AFTER.

What could possibly go wrong?

Dear Nenny McPhee

I'm afraid that Tony "The Shark" Tickett doesn't tend to give paper statements.  He just usually carves the figure you owe into your forehead with a shard of glass, before washing the wound with a litre of phlegm.  I've tried scanning my face so you can have the details, but the bright lights blinded me and I knocked over the coffee table in a daze.

Upon hearing about our transaction, I'm afraid that Tony has also frozen my account for fear that I'll get "ripped off again".  I explained that I haven't ripped off before, I just haven't received those cookies from that hairy, 6ft tall, bearded girl scout yet.  She also said she'd send my credit card back too.  Regardless, how can I convince Tony that you're a genuine, Christian person?

Yours BleedinglyAddman

Oddly enough, she failed to reply after that.  Yet again I've missed out on a fortune thanks to my backstreet bank manager.

Diet/Fitness Apps

As you should know by now, I am an idiot.  Not just a slightly under achieving doofus, I mean a hand-slapping, honking like a lobotomised seal kind of idiot.  True to form, I occasionally reply to spam emails in the hope that comedy will ensue.  I received this a few days ago from someone who wanted a bit of advice on her diet/fitness app:

Hi Addman,

I was reading your blog today and wonder if I could get your opinion on a diet/fitness app I am working on?

For me, I think the main problem with being fit and eating healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to turn it into winnable games and small victories.

So... my app makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, "level up', and earn badges as they accomplish their health goals. Everytime they add something healthy like veggies to their diet, they earn points. Everytime they complete a workout, they earn points. As they achieve more and more, they'll level up and unlock badges, and discounts/coupons to rewards like spas, health foods, maybe even sweet and semi-healthy things like raw chocolate.

Of course, to appeal to people's need for achievements/progress, I'm also adding charts, and graphs to show their progress... I think people love that sorta stuff. The whole idea is to shift people's attitude towards healthy living as fun, achievement, and winnable. We're missing that sense of "win" in fitness. That feeling we get when we finish checking things off a list, or cleaning up a room.

What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it? If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)

Best,
Christine

Despite my brain screaming at me to stop, I simply had to reply:

Hi Christine!

As you've read my blog, you'll no doubt understand how important diet/fitness is to me.  I simply cannot get by without a daily dose of diet/fitness.  Naturally, a diet/fitness app would suit me like water wings on a bumblebee, but I have a few questions about it?

1)  Would the app be available on Tuesdays and Thursdays?  I tend to perform most of my diet/fitness on these days.

2)  Would the app be free, or would you keep it caged up?  I only download free range apps.

3)  Do you need a smartphone to download the diet/fitness app?

4)  When you level up in this diet/fitness app, do you learn fireball spells?  This is crucially important.

Thanks for informing me about this and rekindling my love affair with diet/fitness.

Thanks

Addman

She responds:

Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you like the idea :) Hehe, the app will be for smartphones so you can use it 24/7. But there will be a website version so everyone can use it.

But no fireball spells unfortunately =(

I'll let you know when the site/app is done, so you can check it out. It won't be until later this year when I'm done with it. Creating an app and a website is very challenging, but creating something new that will help others is very exciting! ^_^

Best,

Christine

My response:

Christine,

This is all very exciting!  A diet/fitness site/app available 24/7 would be a dream come true!

I understand how challenging it is to make a website.  I once created a website about my brother, it was called "FUCK YOU CONRAD!".  I knocked it up very quickly after he smashed my batman glass by accident/on purpose, and it all ended very badly when the police made me take it down.  I'm not allowed to see him anymore.  Anyway, if you need help on designing your website, I can give you a few pointers if you like.

I'm sad to see the lack of fireball spells, but I think you could redeem this by putting in a +1 Mace Of Corruption, or a Magic Missile.

Thanks

Addman

 No further response from her yet.  I guess people aren't as easily lead these days...

----------

Something for the weekend?  In honour of R.E.M.'s recent split, how about a quick rundown of my top three of Stipe's finest?

3.  Stand

2.  Man On The Moon

1.  The Great Beyond