I recieved an email out of the blue from Tracy Robben. For those who don't know, Tracy is a freedom fighter who is battling the tyranny of Walt's minions. She's on the front line everyday, fighting their oppresive regime, as the email below clearly demonstrates:
Hello. My name is Tracy.
I'm emailing you today because I want to share a petition that I've created with you.
This petition is for saving Flik and Princess as permanent characters at Walt Disney World. Flik recently retired from meet-&-greets by "It's Tough to Be a Bug!" at Animal Kingdom back in March 2012, and Dug and Russell replaced him. And Flik and Princess Atta could only be seen in the Pixar Pals' Countdown to Fun parade at Hollywood Studios, which ended on April 6th. Now Flik is not appearing in Walt Disney World anywhere! And I want to see him again.
Here's the petition: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dug-and-russell-should-move-to-the-trail-leading/. It would be great if you could sign it and send it to your friends and family who would be willing to help. And don't worry about the donation thing after signing it. Just ignore it.
Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it.
I was sickened to my core by this news. Although I had to Google Flik and Princess Atta, I was still outraged. It turns out that they were the main charcters from Pixar's often overlooked 1998 classic, A Bug's Life. How dare Disney try to remove unpopular characters from a sixteen year old film which was (and let's be fair here) a bit shit? Thank God Flik and Atta have a paragon of virtue in the form of Tracy Robben, who loves them to the point of fetishisation. I decided that I must also join this rebel faction and stand up for these characters.
I was saddened to see that Flik and Princess Otto are being persecuted for being tiny insects. We all know that Walt Disney was a tyrant who hated the Jews, so it's not a logical disconnect to call him a Nazi sympathiser. This facist extremism is exactly the kind of behaviour that the Disney corporation is employing with their handling of Flik and the gang.
I will not stand for this. In the past I've sat back and let far too many Disney characters fall by the wayside. Remember Oswald? Despite being a bag of crap, the Disney corporation should have stuck by their creation rather than going with Mickey Mouse and transforming themselves into a world-leading media corporation in the process. I will stand up for the lesser characters in the Disney stable and fight for their rights!
Anyway, I am prepared to sign your petition and attend any protests that you may wish to organise. I will attend the protest with placards saying "Down With Nazis" and "Up With The Ant Princess". If you would like me to make a sign for you then just let me know. I also know the name of a good rotten fruit seller, should you require some for the demonstration.
P.S. How do I sign the petition? I tried to write my signature on the screen, but I think I may have ruined my monitor.
I waited patiently for a response. I had to wait an entire 30 minutes before I recieved this robust reply:
Just click on the link and it will take you to the petition. Then all you do is sign your name and leave an optional comment.
Wow, thanks Tracy. You comprehensively answered every subtle nuance of my email, and now I feel satisfied. To be fair to Tracy, she's probably far too busy drawing Disney characters in sexual embraces to answer my trivial questions. This Goofy on Pluto fanfiction ain't gonna write itself! Regardless, I replied:
Thank you for your prompt reply. It is asking me to leave a donation but I don't know what to do or how much to give. I'm not very good with these things. One time I gave my bank details to a Kenyan princess via email. She said she needed to store her father's gold deposits in my account, but somehow funds were taken from my account instead. Alas, this is the story of my life in this cyber world.
I also have another concern. Would the reintroduction of Frik and Princess Attack somehow cause harm to their replacements, Dug and Russell? I'm rather partial to Dug and Russell. I wouldn't wish them any ill will and I am against segregation of any kind, especially between Pixar characters. I'm so against segregation that I cried for six weeks when they removed my parasitic twin brother. Why can't we all just get along?
Eagerly awaiting your reponse.
I waited an eternity for said response. 37 minutes precisely. It's almost as if she's in the same time zone as me...
You don't have to worry about that donation thing. And this is not a bad idea at all. Many people think it's a good idea.
So we're agreed, getting along with your fellow man is a good idea. I doubt our mutual enemy will agree.
I'm glad that you agree that we should all get along. The world should deconstruct it's social barriers and learn to love other in one big, hot, sweaty mess. Don't you agree?
With that in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if Walt "Apartheid" Disney wouldn't let Russell and Dug and Flikr and Princess Amidala all stand together and give autographs. He'd probably make them brawl to the death in some kind of arena setting, with the winner being allowed to sign autographs on this particular turf.
By the way, I'm getting started on the signs for the protest. What colour would you like? I've Gold or Brown. Let me know if you have any ideas for slogans. I'm going with "Let's Unfreeze Walt's Head And Kick It Around The Carpark".
Less than five minutes later, I recieved this:
Sure. And you know, someday whenever you visit Disney World. You should stop at Guest Relations in Animal Kingdom and explain how you feel about these characters not appearing in the park anymore.
1) I'm sure customer relations have better things to deal with than adults who are angry over niche Disney characters.
2) What colour signs does she want? She failed to even acknowledge this part of my email.
Someday? You're assuming that I don't visit Dinsey World on a regular basis. I'm there nearly everyday, on the front lines, protesting against this cartoon factory of hate and prejudice. Last week I nailed Simba right between the eyes with a maggot-laden tomato. I now have to pay some medical bills for the guy in the suit, but at least I proved a point.
Also, you didn't answer my question about the sign I'm making for you. I just found a piece of green card under my sofa, so you can have a sign that's half green and half gold if you'd prefer.
I think that's reasonable question. I expect an answer.
You don't have to make a payment or a donation.
Hmm, it would appear that Tracy is starting to lose faith in her own campaign. Why does this always happen to me? At this point, the conversation fizzled out and I never got to meet Tracey and join her unique band of merry Bugs Life enthusiasts. It would seem that Walt has won this round, but wait until the death squads come knocking for Woody or Stitch! We must act now to prevent this genocide from coming to fruition. Please sign my petition by leaving a comment of support in the box below. Thanks.