Monday, 3 March 2014

Flik And Princess Atta Are In Peril

My friends, I'm not quite sure how to break this to you, but some terrible, underhand politics are afoot within the Disney corporation.

I recieved an email out of the blue from Tracy Robben. For those who don't know, Tracy is a freedom fighter who is battling the tyranny of Walt's minions.  She's on the front line everyday, fighting their oppresive regime, as the email below clearly demonstrates:


Hello. My name is Tracy.

I'm emailing you today because I want to share a petition that I've created with you.
This petition is for saving Flik and Princess as permanent characters at Walt Disney World. Flik recently retired from meet-&-greets by "It's Tough to Be a Bug!" at Animal Kingdom back in March 2012, and Dug and Russell replaced him. And Flik and Princess Atta could only be seen in the Pixar Pals' Countdown to Fun parade at Hollywood Studios, which ended on April 6th. Now Flik is not appearing in Walt Disney World anywhere! And I want to see him again.

Here's the petition: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/dug-and-russell-should-move-to-the-trail-leading/. It would be great if you could sign it and send it to your friends and family who would be willing to help. And don't worry about the donation thing after signing it. Just ignore it.

Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Tracy Robben


I was sickened to my core by this news.  Although I had to Google Flik and Princess Atta, I was still outraged.  It turns out that they were the main charcters from Pixar's often overlooked 1998 classic, A Bug's Life.  How dare Disney try to remove unpopular characters from a sixteen year old film which was (and let's be fair here) a bit shit?  Thank God Flik and Atta have a paragon of virtue in the form of Tracy Robben, who loves them to the point of fetishisation.  I decided that I must also join this rebel faction and stand up for these characters.

Dear Tracy,

I was saddened to see that Flik and Princess Otto are being persecuted for being tiny insects.  We all know that Walt Disney was a tyrant who hated the Jews, so it's not a logical disconnect to call him a Nazi sympathiser.  This facist extremism is exactly the kind of behaviour that the Disney corporation is employing with their handling of Flik and the gang.

I will not stand for this.  In the past I've sat back and let far too many Disney characters fall by the wayside.  Remember Oswald?  Despite being a bag of crap, the Disney corporation should have stuck by their creation rather than going with Mickey Mouse and transforming themselves into a world-leading media corporation in the process.  I will stand up for the lesser characters in the Disney stable and fight for their rights!

Anyway, I am prepared to sign your petition and attend any protests that you may wish to organise.  I will attend the protest with placards saying "Down With Nazis" and "Up With The Ant Princess".  If you would like me to make a sign for you then just let me know.  I also know the name of a good rotten fruit seller, should you require some for the demonstration.

Thanks

P.S. How do I sign the petition?  I tried to write my signature on the screen, but I think I may have ruined my monitor.


I waited patiently for a response.  I had to wait an entire 30 minutes before I recieved this robust reply:


Just click on the link and it will take you to the petition. Then all you do is sign your name and leave an optional comment.


Wow, thanks Tracy.  You comprehensively answered every subtle nuance of my email, and now I feel satisfied.  To be fair to Tracy, she's probably far too busy drawing Disney characters in sexual embraces to answer my trivial questions.  This Goofy on Pluto fanfiction ain't gonna write itself!  Regardless, I replied:

Hi Tracy,

Thank you for your prompt reply. It is asking me to leave a donation but I don't know what to do or how much to give. I'm not very good with these things. One time I gave my bank details to a Kenyan princess via email. She said she needed to store her father's gold deposits in my account, but somehow funds were taken from my account instead. Alas, this is the story of my life in this cyber world.

I also have another concern. Would the reintroduction of Frik and Princess Attack somehow cause harm to their replacements, Dug and Russell? I'm rather partial to Dug and Russell. I wouldn't wish them any ill will and I am against segregation of any kind, especially between Pixar characters. I'm so against segregation that I cried for six weeks when they removed my parasitic twin brother. Why can't we all just get along?

Eagerly awaiting your
reponse
.

I waited an eternity for said response.  37 minutes precisely.  It's almost as if she's in the same time zone as me...


You don't have to worry about that donation thing. And this is not a bad idea at all. Many people think it's a good idea.

So we're agreed, getting along with your fellow man is a good idea.  I doubt our mutual enemy will agree.

Hi Tracy,

I'm glad that you agree that we should all get along.  The world should deconstruct it's social barriers and learn to love other in one big, hot, sweaty mess.  Don't you agree?

With that in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if Walt "Apartheid" Disney wouldn't let Russell and Dug and Flikr and Princess Amidala all stand together and give autographs.  He'd probably make them brawl to the death in some kind of arena setting, with the winner being allowed to sign autographs on this particular turf.

By the way, I'm getting started on the signs for the protest.  What colour would you like?  I've Gold or Brown.  Let me know if you have any ideas for slogans.  I'm going with "Let's Unfreeze Walt's Head And Kick It Around The Carpark".

Thanks

Less than five minutes later, I recieved this:


Sure. And you know, someday whenever you visit Disney World. You should stop at Guest Relations in Animal Kingdom and explain how you feel about these characters not appearing in the park anymore.

Two points: 

1)  I'm sure customer relations have better things to deal with than adults who are angry over niche Disney characters.
2) What colour signs does she want?  She failed to even acknowledge this part of my email.

Hi Tracey,

Someday?  You're assuming that I don't visit Dinsey World on a regular basis.  I'm there nearly everyday, on the front lines, protesting against this cartoon factory of hate and prejudice.  Last week I nailed Simba right between the eyes with a maggot-laden tomato.  I now have to pay some medical bills for the guy in the suit, but at least I proved a point.

Also, you didn't answer my question about the sign I'm making for you.  I just found a piece of green card under my sofa, so you can have a sign that's half green and half gold if you'd prefer.

Thanks

I think that's reasonable question.  I expect an answer.

You don't have to make a payment or a donation.

Hmm, it would appear that Tracy is starting to lose faith in her own campaign.  Why does this always happen to me?  At this point, the conversation fizzled out and I never got to meet Tracey and join her unique band of merry Bugs Life enthusiasts.  It would seem that Walt has won this round, but wait until the death squads come knocking for Woody or Stitch!  We must act now to prevent this genocide from coming to fruition.  Please sign my petition by leaving a comment of support in the box below.  Thanks.

18 comments:

  1. That's hilarious. I can't believe a spammer would be so prompt with replies. Those were some deep cuts, by the way. I had to look up what Oswald was. I wouldn't sign a petition for any Bugs Life nonsense, but I would sign a petition to kick Walt's head around a carpark.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe she sits online all day waiting for replies, trying to rally an army behind her to crush the Disney corporation and free their unloved mascots from purgatory.

      So anyway, we're meeting up for the kickabout on Friday, in the carpark at Disney's Hollywood Studios. If you could break into Disney's vault and bring the head with you, that would be much appreciated.

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  2. Even though I completely forgot who they were because it's been that long since I saw it, I actually kinda enjoyed A Bugs Life. Not quite as much as this woman did though. I don't think anyone quite enjoyed it that much.

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    1. It's the Pixar film that no one likes, excluding Cars, Cars 2, and Brave.

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    2. Don't forget Planes, the Cars ripoff that stars everyone's favorite unfunnyman Dane Cook.

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    3. Technically, that's Disney rather than Pixar. But the two are basically the same these days anyway, so excuse my pedantry.

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  3. Hey Addman, I'd like to support you, but I can't figure out how to donate. So I just stuffed $20 (American) in the CD drive of my computer. Did you get it?

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    1. I haven't recieved it, but I do feel richer from just knowing that you support me.

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  4. I feel bad for Tracy. I'm assuming the preservation of the Disney characters Flin and Princess Atar was her final attempt to remedy the situation cursing people walking in her same shoes. She's always been seen as small. Always stepped on by the rugged boot of her superiors. After several failed attempts to give the little man a leg-up (including an attempt to reinstate the Moth Protection Act of 1923 and a campaign to raise awareness of pesticides), the only option left was to preserve the image of the minuscule icons known as Flip and Princess Alladin.

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    1. You almost made me feel bad with that psycho-analysis. Almost.

      That's my favourite part of this email exchange. The fact that I kept getting the characters names wrong, but she never pulled me up on it.

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  5. I feel this may be an intergalactic insect based life form conspiracy, some six armed alien critter has crashed on Earth and is collecting money to get home. Having six arms makes it easy to respond quickly to emails and use the cash machine to sting your bank account. If I was you I would wrap my house in fly paper, it Does Nay (Does Nay . . Disney . . . . .HAHAH AH H HHAH HAH Hha ha ha ha ha) d. to upset intergalactic insect based life forms.

    I have swarmed you (sorry warned you)

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    1. I'm stocking up on bug bombs as we speak. I'm also going to dig a deep sugar cave around my house and use it as a trap. Thanks for the heads up!

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  6. You know who I feel sorry for? Walt Disney that's who. It's all well and good people wanting to "love" badly drawn anthropomorphic rats and feral dogs etc, but what about the lovable old grandpa style figures who created them? What did they do wrong? Oh sure Walt "hated the Jews" but who didn't in the old days. Anyway it was hard living in a world where everything was black and white. Sure the Walt Disney Corporation make their employees wear stupid outfits in the baking hot sun for very little take home pay, but that's the price for progress.
    If it wasn't for Disney, we wouldn't have the Ironman films or Scarlett Johansson bottom - and THAT is a price worth paying in my book.

    Anyone who disagrees is probably on a lower dosage of medication than I am.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You make a good point. There are many misdemeanours I can overlook in exchange for some screentime with the bottom of Miss Johansson.

      Throw Flik and Princess Atta on the pyre! We have some Avengers to watch!

      Delete
  7. This has made me happier than any other thing I've read on the internet. Ever. x

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    Replies
    1. Wow, even more so than cat macros?

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  8. Be careful. Tracy sounds and looks like she could be very dangerous. In a psychotic kind of way. I'm guessing she is on some kind of Disney watch list.

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    1. I think she's on some kind of Interpol watch list, for bombing Disney animations studios.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.