However, there are moments when your stoic good nature has to be cast aside. That, ladies and gentlemen, is when your integrity is on the line and you have to resort to insults. I've thought long and hard about old conflicts, and wished I could have thought of something cool, witty, and downright insultive to say at the time. Should that need ever rise again, I now have a wide repository of amazing put downs at my disposal. Allow me to list a few of these below.
A few months back, a neighbour of mine found out that I'd been opening his mail for years (mainly because our names both start with "Mr"). He came to my house and called me a despicable human, said I was worthless, and called my recent attempt to sleep with his wife a "pathetic cry for love in a world which has turned its back on you". Well, I wasn't going to stand for that. I looked him straight in the eye and came up with the most ferocious insult he'd ever heard:
"POO BREATH!"
Insult Effectiveness: 7/10
The insult not only calls his dental hygiene into question, but also suggests that he devours faecal matter on a regular basis. Ice burn!
 |
| This is your breath on poo |
Which reminds me of another time when my best friend caught me trying to hide the evidence after running over his dog. I was merely trying to stuff it into his wheelie bin to stop him getting mad, to which he got all tearful and said I was the worst friend ever. He said I was deplorable and that our friendship was over. Weak! I come up with better insults before breakfast. I leaned for extra effect, and then dropped a bombshell on his ass:
"BIG STINKY WILLYHEAD"
Insult Effectiveness: 8/10
Being a willyhead is bad enough; because you'd have to wear pants on your head otherwise you'd get done for indecent exposure. But to be a stinky willyhead is quite simply the worst. Advantage Addman.
Then one time I was on the corner wearing my leather. This dude comes up and he's like "hey punk", and I'm like:
"WEE EYES!"
Insult Effectiveness: 9/10
Can you imagine having wee for eyes? Everything would look slightly yellow. It'd be awful.
Lastly, once I was called in to the police station to answer where I was on Friday 14th after a string of jewellery store thefts. One cop said "we can do this the easy way or the hard way". I weighed up my options for a moment, and figured out a brilliant comeback:
"GIRL FACE"
Insult Effectiveness: 10/10
Ultimate put down! Back in the day, none of my male friends liked being called a girl face, back when we were 6, so I see no reason why this insult wouldn't work today. Despite the cop being female, I'm sure she was devastated by this riposte, and that's probably why I only served a 3 year sentence.
Feel free to use my insults in your daily lives. I guarantee that your lives will be immeasurably improved. Your colleagues and co-workers will shudder in fear when you walk by, and you will never be messed with again. Mark my words.
I had to withdraw from my computer with every insult. Remind me never to get on your bad side, or I'd surely be rendered comatose do to the unwelcomed delivery of your heinous verbal assault. That being said, I now have some fresh ammunition to add to my arsenal of insults, so I thank you for that, Addman. Girl Face is being promoted to the top of the list.
ReplyDeleteI should have put some sort of warning at the top of the page. I'm sorry. Although at least your insult repertoire has been expanded.
DeleteI used to have quite a girly face. I will again once my hair grows back, and I shave. When it comes to insults, the best way to do it is to insult them in a way they don't understand. For that you need to go back to Victorian times or just say as many words as you can in a short amount of time. Study Boris Johnson; he will teach you everything you need to know.
ReplyDeleteYou might actually get away with using long, old fashioned positive words as insults.
Delete"Hey you! You're so quintessential!"
Once upon a time in real life a man pushed in front of me in the queue at the local sandwich shop. After I told he was in the wrong for pushing in he turned around and said "I don't like you." This was, in itself, quite a strange insult as it was not without any simile or metaphor but cut right to the point.
ReplyDeleteI relied on my brain to think as fast as it could - my one and only chance to win a war of words. THIS is what it came up with:
"Yea well.... YOU'RE deaf!!!"
We never spoke again.
I genuinely think my brain does not like me sometimes...
ps- that really happened and I am ashamed of it all.
Hahaha! The best part is, if he was deaf, he wouldn't have even noticed you'd insulted him.
DeleteI might try "I don't like you" as an insult sometime. I quite like it.
Maybe you could try stabbing someone in the face. It has always worked for me. It's my go to insult, and I find it quite effective in ending all burn contests.
ReplyDeleteThat's not a bad idea. I might just jam a biro into someone's eye, because as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword.
DeleteI know this wasn't personal, but I couldn't help but feel a little stung just by reading this words. Also, I don't know if I'm doing it wrong, but I tried "poo breath" on my dog and it just didn't work. At all. I don't know if it's because he eats his own poo, or if it's because he doesn't speak English, but I need to step up my A game next time I verbally berate him.
ReplyDeleteDogs are quite difficult to insult, but I fond that the most effective way is simply to call them a "bad dog". It usually makes them whimper for some reason. That, and putting them in the tumble dryer.
Deletehahaha. Tumble Dryer.
DeleteI think you have forgotten one very useful insult, the one that folk cant deal with in any way or form. There is nothing quite like telling folk they are very ordinary. The great thing about this is the greater the ego the harder it hits. Imagine as someone heads up to collect their Oscar and as they pass you, you say . . . . . . I am a great fan Miss ******** how do you manage to remain so ordinary. . . . . . Well that's a killer and will destroy their composure in an instant.
ReplyDeleteImage someone turning up at your blog and leaving the comment. . . . . . I was struck by the complete ordinariness of your blog, well done . . . . . . . What do you do it's terrible, I hate it when folk do it to me....... and I am just an ordinary sort of chap too, no I am I even chopped a child in half so I could obtain the 2.5 I needed . . . .
I don't know, I think I've been extraordinary for so long, I'd quite like to see what it's like to be ordinary for a change. To not have all of my 17 personalities clashing for attention would be a welcome holiday for me.
DeleteNowadays, you never hear kids talking about wanting to be a Jewelry store thief when they grow up. It's a respectable pursuit. Bravo to you for keeping up such a lost art.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I didn;t want to brag about it since the police don't seem to agree on how noble a profession it is. Care to help me make bail?
DeleteI think I dropped a "clown shoes" on someone once, but stuttered as I did it, that's turning things up to 11, right? If you stumble when you try to get out your insult, that's the ultimate insult. It's like, "hey, you're not worth me getting this series of syllables out properly on the first attempt, Poo-puh-no-poo-pop-dammit-Poo poo head! Yeah, gotcha!"
ReplyDeleteI agree. If you aren't hesitant to say the line, the insult isn't sharp enough. You need to be afraid when you utter those words. They can't be taken back. They are dangerous and someone is going to get hurt, or their life could be instantly altered/ended.
DeleteI really like wee eyes. I doesn't hold a torch to 'cunty chops' though x
ReplyDeleteI think wee eyes is worse because everything looks yellow and smells of sugar puffs.
DeleteI used to like you, but now... well, I think you're the most offensive person ever. I remember when calling someone a nincompoop was the most cutting insult. The recipient would be left reeling for weeks. I know you like to push the boundaries, but this time you've gone TOO FAR!
ReplyDeleteI'm worse than Frankie Boyle. PLOP BRAIN! Ahahahaha!
Delete