However, there are moments when your stoic good nature has to be cast aside. That, ladies and gentlemen, is when your integrity is on the line and you have to resort to insults. I've thought long and hard about old conflicts, and wished I could have thought of something cool, witty, and downright insultive to say at the time. Should that need ever rise again, I now have a wide repository of amazing put downs at my disposal. Allow me to list a few of these below.
A few months back, a neighbour of mine found out that I'd been opening his mail for years (mainly because our names both start with "Mr"). He came to my house and called me a despicable human, said I was worthless, and called my recent attempt to sleep with his wife a "pathetic cry for love in a world which has turned its back on you". Well, I wasn't going to stand for that. I looked him straight in the eye and came up with the most ferocious insult he'd ever heard:
Insult Effectiveness: 7/10
The insult not only calls his dental hygiene into question, but also suggests that he devours faecal matter on a regular basis. Ice burn!
|This is your breath on poo|
Which reminds me of another time when my best friend caught me trying to hide the evidence after running over his dog. I was merely trying to stuff it into his wheelie bin to stop him getting mad, to which he got all tearful and said I was the worst friend ever. He said I was deplorable and that our friendship was over. Weak! I come up with better insults before breakfast. I leaned for extra effect, and then dropped a bombshell on his ass:
"BIG STINKY WILLYHEAD"
Insult Effectiveness: 8/10
Being a willyhead is bad enough; because you'd have to wear pants on your head otherwise you'd get done for indecent exposure. But to be a stinky willyhead is quite simply the worst. Advantage Addman.
Then one time I was on the corner wearing my leather. This dude comes up and he's like "hey punk", and I'm like:
Insult Effectiveness: 9/10
Can you imagine having wee for eyes? Everything would look slightly yellow. It'd be awful.
Lastly, once I was called in to the police station to answer where I was on Friday 14th after a string of jewellery store thefts. One cop said "we can do this the easy way or the hard way". I weighed up my options for a moment, and figured out a brilliant comeback:
Insult Effectiveness: 10/10
Ultimate put down! Back in the day, none of my male friends liked being called a girl face, back when we were 6, so I see no reason why this insult wouldn't work today. Despite the cop being female, I'm sure she was devastated by this riposte, and that's probably why I only served a 3 year sentence.
Feel free to use my insults in your daily lives. I guarantee that your lives will be immeasurably improved. Your colleagues and co-workers will shudder in fear when you walk by, and you will never be messed with again. Mark my words.