This week, in an attempt to find inner peace, I've been trying to help others. In Tibet, the world's most spiritually content country, when they want something they tend to give something away. A policy which lead to them being annexed by China. But in the interests of being open minded, I've been trying to help others before helping myself.
The first good turn I did was work in a shop in exchange for enlightenment (through currency). Somehow, I still didn't feel that dizzy feeling one gets from helping others, especially after unclogging Monster Munch from the customer toilets 3 times a day. I decided that my helpful nature should be concentrated on more personal deeds instead.
I answered an advert in my local paper which read "HELP WANTED ASAP". I didn't even read the rest of the ad, someone needs my needs my help and they need it right now! Luckily they included a postal address for application, so I ran to the person's house and started banging on the door. No answer. Perhaps I was already too late?
|A man who gets fooled more often than me|
Running upstairs, panting and breathing heavily due to the physical exertion, I rounded the corner and found the occupant of the house. She was in the bedroom, wrapped in a towel, and was pawing at her house phone in desperation. When she saw me, she closed the bedroom door and leaned against it, preventing my entry. I banged on the door, rasping and wheezing, and tried pushing against it with my whole weight. It wouldn't budge. Then I realised that she was on the phone to the police.
"No police!" I managed to exclaim through exhausted breaths, trying to let her know that I was here to help. The police would surely help, but why would this poor lady want to wait for the fuzz when I'm already here?
With urgency, I kicked down the bedroom door as I had done the front door, entering the room in a shower of splinters. This only made the already stressed woman even more hysterical. I approached her to ask what was wrong, but she began screaming and clawing at me, while yelling for help at the top of her lungs. Well that's what I'm here for, silly!
I had to try and calm her down. Her manicured fingernails dug deep into my left cheek, and would certainly leave a mark. To try and quell the rising tensions, I grabbed her hands and, using the emergency twine I keep in my pocket for special occasions, tied her hands behind her back. But the screaming wouldn't stop. In fact, this seemed to elicit more screaming no matter how many times I said "Shhh, don't struggle".
In the end I had to gag her to try and stop the noise. Her throat was getting sore and she wouldn't be able to tell me how I could help if she strained her vocal chords. Eventually, the screaming died down. Now in as calm a state as a naked, hogtied woman can be, I instructed her that I would remove the gag if she promised to stop screaming.
It was at this point that a stinging sensation shot all the way up my spine. My muscles spasmed involuntarily, and I collapsed on the floor. I found out that I had been tasered by some less than helpful cops, who were responding to a house invasion call and must have got the wrong address. As much as I'd love to continue this story, my legal counsel asks me not to disclose any more until the trial is over. I'll keep you all posted on that front, but until then, remember never to help anyone, no matter how much they want it.