My Marriage To Miranda Prez

Here at Muppets For Justice, we're used to having a lot of fun.  We take life with a pinch of salt, laugh carelessly into the cavernous void of the Internet, and take very little of it seriously.  In fact, There are very few topics left non-ridiculed by these pages.

However, today I come to you with a message.  I received a heart warming email from a Miss Miranda Prez.  She's a Kenyan heiress to a massive fortune, that is being kept back from her by her evil step mother. I'll let her explain:

My Dear,

I know that we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the internet in search of trusted person who can assist me urgently and save my life.

My name is Mirinda Prez John 24 years old female from the Republic of Kenya, the daughter of Late Mr Prez John. My late father was a Kenyan lawyer and human rights activist who was the Chief Executive Officer and Communications and Advocacy Officer of the Oscar Foundation Free Legal Aid Clinic Kenya (OFFLACK). My Father was brutally shot dead on Thursday 5Th March 2009 after a government spokesman accused their group of aiding a criminal gang. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/792787 3.stm

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 5.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.

I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf.I had wan ted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 40% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

Yours s incerely,
Miss Mirinda Prez John

Now, if I remember my fairy tales correctly, it's that evil step mothers are to be avoided at all costs.  I felt touched by the appalling predicament Miranda was in, and decided to help:

Dear Miranda,

I am shocked to hear about the sudden death of your father, Elvis Prez.  I can empathise with you as my father was also killed while standing up for what he believed in.  The hospital told him that if he kept drinking bacon grease, he wouldn't last 6 months.  He refused to give in to the reaper and he persisted with his passion.  It was both horrifying and inspiring to watch him fill up his Batman glass with pig grease every morning.

I am also sorry to hear about your wicked step mother.  No doubt she tried to lock you in the cellar and force you to do chores while her and her ugly daughters went to the royal ball.

Anyway, as we have a lot in common, I'm willing to help you.  What would you like me to do?    Do you need to send me the lock combination to your safe so I can collect the money?

Thanks

She responds:

Hello Dear

I am very happy that you have replied my mail. Everything I told you is my true life history and the real truth.  I do not dout what you said. My own father,s name was used but the cannot get my father bank information. Also I have identified myself in person to my father, bank.

Please, I need your help to stand as my trustee so that you will transfer the money into your bank account and assist me for investment in your Country. At the moment, I am staying in the Church mission herein Burkina Faso. If you wish to speak with me on phone, I`m sending to you the telephone number of Apostle Jerome Kakumar because he is in charge of all the refugees seeking to secure asylum through the Church mission. The telephone number is +226 74 09 04 13. Please If you call, tell him that you want to speak with Miss.Mirinda Prez John. I am staying in female block No. 15A.

On my arrival here, I met the branch manager of the bank in person and I explained to him that I have come to clear the money in father`s Bank account. But, he told me that my refugee status in Burkina Faso is not authorized by law to transfer the money because of the procedures involved. He advised me to provide a trustee who would be representing me so that he or she can transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to present my step mother as my trustee. But I am afraid that she will betray my trustee. My reason for being afraid of her is because after the burial of my father, she and my uncle arrange secretly and sold my father`s estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves. I confronted them and my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land forbidden me from sharing my father`s estate because I am still single.

Since my father died, they have been maltreating me and I took them to Court to seek for justice, but the case is still pending in the Court before one of my step mother`s confidant advised me to leave for another Country. She revealed to me that my step mother is planning to kill me so that the case will also die. However, this is the reason why I left my Country. I am alone and always in pains. There is hunger and Suffering in place. But I am trusting in God. All my hope of survival lies in this money. Beside, the mission is only catering for my accommodation and making sure I am safe from any harm. Concerning the issue of expenses during this transaction if there be any, I map out 10% to cover the expenses while 40% is your commission for helping me. Bringing it to 50% which you will deduct as soon as you receive the money into your bank account

Please, send me your full contact information:
Your full name:
Contact address:
Direct telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your ID Card

As soon as I receive your contact information, I will submit it to the bank and inform them that you are my trustee and we have concluded arrangement that you will transfer the money to your bank account for investment in your Country. Also, I will send you the contact of the bank and you will contact them as well to give you the procedures of transferring the money to your bank account. Immediately you receive the money into your bank account, you will send me some amount to process my traveling documents which I will use for my traveling to your Country where I have chosen to settle in life and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply and I wish you a peaceful and lovely day. Attached are my photos

Yours truly
Miss Mirinda Prez John
Attachment

If you don't want to read that wall of text, the basic gist is that her step mother is trying to kill her to get her money, so she needs to transfer it to me instead.  The highlight of which was the wonderful picture she sent me, as above.  I wanted to help her, if only to rally against evil step mothers from across the globe:

Dear Miranda Press,

I was pleased that you sent me your picture. You look like a trustworthy person. In fact, you look rather glamorous for someone living in a hostel. Women in refuges usually let themselves go.  Their tears usually wash away the makeup quite quickly, so it's a nice change to see someone who's a bit more glam.

I am very willing to help you.  Your step mother sounds like an evil cow, pardon my French.  I want to help you if only to stick it to evil step mothers everywhere!

Here are the answers to the questions you questioned me about, wanting answers:

Name:  Adam "ThunderThighs" Pancake (maiden name: Jones)
Address:  123 Fabrication Way
Direct telephone numbers:  02011-793020
Age: 24 and 12 months
Occupation:  Self employed (I sell fire extinguishers at the side of the road.  I just find them lying around in glass cabinets on trains).
Marital Status:  Green
Nationality:  British (although I am planning to emigrate to Sealand).
ID Card:  I don't have one.  But I can send you a photo of me on a drunken night out if you like.

I would like to call you on the number you provided to talk about our business dealings further.  I could also tell you which universities you can study at while in my country.  Our glorious leader, David Cameron, would welcome your money and non-EU status.

Thanks

Me

Stupidly, I meant to ask her if she wanted my bank account number and sort code, but forgot to do so.  I intended to use this as bait into sending me another response.  As a result, I wasn't really expecting her to reply, since the answers I gave to her questions were obviously fake.  How wrong I was:

Hello Dear,
Thanks for your urgent respond to my mail and  please I want you to help me out from this suffering i fined myself  because i believe you will bring back my joy and happiness I have lost since the death of my parents which I prayed with the Rev.Father before contacting you and please  fill the remaining space also add your bank account information where my inheritance will transfer after you contact the bank and forward the below email to the bank now through their bank email address (eoc.bf.bank@bk.ru) including your bank account information where the money will be transferred because the bank are waiting to attend to you as my appointed trustee since I have already written a letter authorization to them confirming you as my appointed over my inheritance.

APPLICATION AS TRUSTEE TO THE NEXT OF KIN  ACCOUNT HOLDER LATE MR.Prez John A/C N°:003310166488. SORT CODE:IMFBF07 24.


I’Mr.Adam Pancake,
FROM: 123 Fabrication Way,
Nationality: British,
TELEPHONE: 02011-793020,
Passport:.....,
OCCUPATION:Self Employed,
AGE: 24years,
SEX: Male,
MARITAL STATUS: Single,

humbly apply to your bank as trustee to Miss Mirinda Prez John. The next of kin to your deceased customer, Late Hon. Mr.Prez John. Who past away. and I am taking this liberty to inform the management of your bank to effect an immediate release and transfer of my partner inherited fund valued at (USD$5.7 Million) Into my account because I will be helping her to invest the fund in my country while she will be here and further her education. Am wishing that my application will be given an immediate attention. Thanking you for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully

Wow.  Now, I was a little confused at this point.  I imagine that she wanted me to send my account number and sort code to this new email address she'd provided (which is totally trustworthy because it has the word "bank" in it).  Due to my confusion, problems arose:

Hi Miranda,
I tried to email that address you sent to me, but something went weird on my computer and now I am scared.  When I went to click the link, a laughing noise came of out the speakers.  It was an evil laugh, like a wounded seal in a rotating drum. 

Because I was scared, I went to see a policeman.  The policeman said I probably have a virus.  When I told him about our arrangement, he said it sounds like a scam and that I should be careful about giving bank details to strangers online.  I told him that you weren't a stranger.  I told him you were the great Miranda Prez, daughter of El Prezidente, and that the hardships you've overcome in your life mean that you'd never scam someone.  Besides, it's you who's giving me money, so there's more potential for me to be the scammer, right? 

Anyway, as I'm scared that the laughing noise may come back, can I just send you my details?  If I send them to you via a reply to this email, surely you could forward them onto the bank for me. 

Much appreciated.

I thought the involvement of the police might scare her off.  Wrong again!

Hello Dear 

How are you and your business I hope all is well? I received your letter and you said that you take my problem to police upon all my condition I told that am pacing through in the camp please if you need to help me forward the information to me so that I can help you to send the information to the bank I will like you to keep this thing secret between tow of us if the is anything which you don’t understand tell my so that I will explain to you to avoid any mistake because I want to come to your country to finish my studies so that I will do business with you and we can married each order please I need your help so that the bank will attend to you, Monday morning thanks for you care I hope to from you soonest. 

Your faithfully
Miss Mirinda Prez.

Wait, hang on, marriage?  How do I get myself into these things?!

Hi Miranda,
You want to marry me? I always knew I was a hit with the ladies, but I didn't expect that I'd be able to seduce a perfect stranger via email. 

I'm starting to plan our wedding. The colour scheme will be green and brown. Your dress will be made out goose feathers, and my tux will be made from solidified goose fat. If you haven't noticed, I also own a goose farm. One of your wifely duties will be to attend to these geese. They do enjoy pecking new people though. Especially on the boobs. 

As for keeping this a secret, I don't think my mum would forgive me if I got married without inviting her. Don't you want your step mother to give you away? Sure, she's a bitch, but weddings are all about family. 

Anyway, let me know what kind of bank details you need from me. I don't know what details you need. I can tell you that the manager is named John, and that the building is grade 2 listed. Other than that, I don't know what the fuck. 

Thanks. 

P.S. Is it a problem if I already have a wife? I said I was single before, but I forgot that I married a Nigerian Princess in similar circumstances last year. I really need to find out where she went.

I hoped that would put her off and make her realise that marriage wasn't an option.  Looks like I'm wrong for a third time:

Hello Dear

How are you and your business I hope all well? I received your email with understood that you didn’t understand my explanation I mean that you should not disclose the transaction to any body let it be between two of use, the issue of married I told you the is no any time you will do married me without you family being away of my marriage so I cannot told you to not tell you to not tell your family ok understand me now  do something fast to avoid me die hear in the camp because am suffering even to eat is a problem please let my condition touch your mined for my rescue I so believe I you I need your urgent reply soonest. 

Yours faithfully
Miss Mirinda Prez.

Looks like Miranda can't read.  Perhaps her reading comprehension is linked to her "suffering to eat".

Hi Miranda Pez 

Why is it a problem to eat? Is the food awful? I can remember once when I volunteered at the homeless shelter, they had some carrot and corriander soup which was disgusting. One of the other volunteers said that I shouldn't be eating the soup, but I considered it a perk of the job, since we weren't getting paid. In the end, I threw the soup all over him and stormed out. That's the kind of charitable guy I am. 

Anyway, I've been trying to find a way in which I can marry you whilst still having another wife. The only way we can do it is to convert to mormonism, but I'm not prepared to wear pastel slacks and give up drinking, not even to save your life. I'm sorry. Can't you just send me some money? I'm getting impatient now. 

Cheers

Thanks for reading.  I hope this has encouraged you to marry Kenyan millionaires in order to help them escape their evil step mothers.  If we all work together, we can help to undo this evil.

The Twin Towers: Hope And Achievement

We've come a long way since the World Trade Centres were attacked.  The defining event of modern times which also defined the now famous question of "where were you when..." is now over a decade old.  Many other people will be pointing out how society has changed, how religion has re entered the political arena, and how different war has become since the attacks, so I won't be adding another article to the deluge.  As we reach this tragic anniversary, it somehow seems apt to focus on the ways in which positive improvements have been made, rather than dwelling on the negative.

Instead, I would rather focus on the amazing achievements and discoveries that we have made over the last ten years.  Looking back, it's amazing how many of our daily habits have been radically altered by the advent of new technologies and discoveries. 

2003 - The Human Genome Was Mapped

Possibly one of the greatest medical breakthroughs of our time, the human genome was only successfully mapped out eight years ago.  The physicality of 25,000 genes was confirmed and, although work still continues to establish what each of these genes controls, we're getting closer all the time to discovering all the building blocks that make us human.  There are constant stories in the papers saying how scientists have found a fat gene, a clever gene, a lazy gene, or a dastardly super villain gene.  These discoveries are helping us to understand how to cure genetic diseases, meaning that degenerative conditions like alzheimer's could potentially be eradicated.

2005 - Civil Partnerships

2005 was the year when the UK finally decided that gay people weren't the disease-spreading, fire-breathing souls of the damned they were first thought to be.  As a result, the Government created the Civil Partnership and allowed them to effectively marry for the first time.  Civil Partnerships serve as a great litmus test to how our society has embraced gayness, but not embraced it in a gay way you understand!  Although same-sex marriage is still distinct from a civil partnership, with changing attitudes as they are, it can only be a matter of time before this changes.

2008 - Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is simply a modern miracle.  This giant underground facility is designed to test for the hypothesized Higgs Boson, an elusive particle which, if discovered, will ultimately prove our understanding of physics to be accurate.  More interestingly though, if the Higgs Boson is not discovered, it would mean that the Standard Model would have to be rewritten entirely.  Either way, the fact that this 27 Kilometre laboratory was even built in the first place is nothing short of an achievement.  What it finds will tantalise for years to come.

2008 - Election Of A Black President

Barack Obama assumed presidency of the largest economic superpower in 2008, and since then he's systematically started changing the way in which the rest of the world sees America.  He started peaceful, considerate talks with previously alienated Middle Eastern countries, he closed Guantanamo Bay (the biggest torture camp of modern times), and instigated a healthcare policy which will lift millions of Americans out of poverty.  Not bad for three years on the job.  To see these changes made in a country who's previous foreign policy made it look like a xenophobic, paranoid state is as symbolic as the racial heritage of it's President.

2010-2011 - The Middle East Uprising

When discussing the protests in countries such as Egypt, Syria, and the rebel takeover of Lybia, I hear a lot of people say "I wish they would stop fighting".  I don't.  Not that I want people to be hurt, but because I want them to throw off the shackles of their oppressors and stand up for themselves.  These countries have been ruled by unelected despots and dictators for years, so it is heart warming to see these people marching for change and taking the power back.  To think that these countries will finally be able to set up stable governments that will listen to the people may be something of a pipe dream (God knows, we don't tend to get that in the most established of Democracies), but it's one step closer to liberation.

That's my top five anyway.  If there are any important, positive achievements that I've missed, feel free to suggest them.

Oh and, if you happen to be wondering "Where is the Addman who usually writes nothing but bile and hatred?", I'm sure normal service will resume as soon as a famous person annoys me.

That's you that is.  That's your mum.