My Marriage To Miranda Prez

Here at Muppets For Justice, we're used to having a lot of fun.  We take life with a pinch of salt, laugh carelessly into the cavernous void of the Internet, and take very little of it seriously.  In fact, There are very few topics left non-ridiculed by these pages.

However, today I come to you with a message.  I received a heart warming email from a Miss Miranda Prez.  She's a Kenyan heiress to a massive fortune, that is being kept back from her by her evil step mother. I'll let her explain:

My Dear,

I know that we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the internet in search of trusted person who can assist me urgently and save my life.

My name is Mirinda Prez John 24 years old female from the Republic of Kenya, the daughter of Late Mr Prez John. My late father was a Kenyan lawyer and human rights activist who was the Chief Executive Officer and Communications and Advocacy Officer of the Oscar Foundation Free Legal Aid Clinic Kenya (OFFLACK). My Father was brutally shot dead on Thursday 5Th March 2009 after a government spokesman accused their group of aiding a criminal gang. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/792787 3.stm

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 5.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.

I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf.I had wan ted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 40% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

Yours s incerely,
Miss Mirinda Prez John

Now, if I remember my fairy tales correctly, it's that evil step mothers are to be avoided at all costs.  I felt touched by the appalling predicament Miranda was in, and decided to help:

Dear Miranda,

I am shocked to hear about the sudden death of your father, Elvis Prez.  I can empathise with you as my father was also killed while standing up for what he believed in.  The hospital told him that if he kept drinking bacon grease, he wouldn't last 6 months.  He refused to give in to the reaper and he persisted with his passion.  It was both horrifying and inspiring to watch him fill up his Batman glass with pig grease every morning.

I am also sorry to hear about your wicked step mother.  No doubt she tried to lock you in the cellar and force you to do chores while her and her ugly daughters went to the royal ball.

Anyway, as we have a lot in common, I'm willing to help you.  What would you like me to do?    Do you need to send me the lock combination to your safe so I can collect the money?

Thanks

She responds:

Hello Dear

I am very happy that you have replied my mail. Everything I told you is my true life history and the real truth.  I do not dout what you said. My own father,s name was used but the cannot get my father bank information. Also I have identified myself in person to my father, bank.

Please, I need your help to stand as my trustee so that you will transfer the money into your bank account and assist me for investment in your Country. At the moment, I am staying in the Church mission herein Burkina Faso. If you wish to speak with me on phone, I`m sending to you the telephone number of Apostle Jerome Kakumar because he is in charge of all the refugees seeking to secure asylum through the Church mission. The telephone number is +226 74 09 04 13. Please If you call, tell him that you want to speak with Miss.Mirinda Prez John. I am staying in female block No. 15A.

On my arrival here, I met the branch manager of the bank in person and I explained to him that I have come to clear the money in father`s Bank account. But, he told me that my refugee status in Burkina Faso is not authorized by law to transfer the money because of the procedures involved. He advised me to provide a trustee who would be representing me so that he or she can transfer the money into his or her bank account. I wanted to present my step mother as my trustee. But I am afraid that she will betray my trustee. My reason for being afraid of her is because after the burial of my father, she and my uncle arrange secretly and sold my father`s estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves. I confronted them and my uncle told me that the tradition and custom of our land forbidden me from sharing my father`s estate because I am still single.

Since my father died, they have been maltreating me and I took them to Court to seek for justice, but the case is still pending in the Court before one of my step mother`s confidant advised me to leave for another Country. She revealed to me that my step mother is planning to kill me so that the case will also die. However, this is the reason why I left my Country. I am alone and always in pains. There is hunger and Suffering in place. But I am trusting in God. All my hope of survival lies in this money. Beside, the mission is only catering for my accommodation and making sure I am safe from any harm. Concerning the issue of expenses during this transaction if there be any, I map out 10% to cover the expenses while 40% is your commission for helping me. Bringing it to 50% which you will deduct as soon as you receive the money into your bank account

Please, send me your full contact information:
Your full name:
Contact address:
Direct telephone numbers to be reached:
Your age:
Your Occupation:
Marital Status:
Your Nationality
Your ID Card

As soon as I receive your contact information, I will submit it to the bank and inform them that you are my trustee and we have concluded arrangement that you will transfer the money to your bank account for investment in your Country. Also, I will send you the contact of the bank and you will contact them as well to give you the procedures of transferring the money to your bank account. Immediately you receive the money into your bank account, you will send me some amount to process my traveling documents which I will use for my traveling to your Country where I have chosen to settle in life and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply and I wish you a peaceful and lovely day. Attached are my photos

Yours truly
Miss Mirinda Prez John
Attachment

If you don't want to read that wall of text, the basic gist is that her step mother is trying to kill her to get her money, so she needs to transfer it to me instead.  The highlight of which was the wonderful picture she sent me, as above.  I wanted to help her, if only to rally against evil step mothers from across the globe:

Dear Miranda Press,

I was pleased that you sent me your picture. You look like a trustworthy person. In fact, you look rather glamorous for someone living in a hostel. Women in refuges usually let themselves go.  Their tears usually wash away the makeup quite quickly, so it's a nice change to see someone who's a bit more glam.

I am very willing to help you.  Your step mother sounds like an evil cow, pardon my French.  I want to help you if only to stick it to evil step mothers everywhere!

Here are the answers to the questions you questioned me about, wanting answers:

Name:  Adam "ThunderThighs" Pancake (maiden name: Jones)
Address:  123 Fabrication Way
Direct telephone numbers:  02011-793020
Age: 24 and 12 months
Occupation:  Self employed (I sell fire extinguishers at the side of the road.  I just find them lying around in glass cabinets on trains).
Marital Status:  Green
Nationality:  British (although I am planning to emigrate to Sealand).
ID Card:  I don't have one.  But I can send you a photo of me on a drunken night out if you like.

I would like to call you on the number you provided to talk about our business dealings further.  I could also tell you which universities you can study at while in my country.  Our glorious leader, David Cameron, would welcome your money and non-EU status.

Thanks

Me

Stupidly, I meant to ask her if she wanted my bank account number and sort code, but forgot to do so.  I intended to use this as bait into sending me another response.  As a result, I wasn't really expecting her to reply, since the answers I gave to her questions were obviously fake.  How wrong I was:

Hello Dear,
Thanks for your urgent respond to my mail and  please I want you to help me out from this suffering i fined myself  because i believe you will bring back my joy and happiness I have lost since the death of my parents which I prayed with the Rev.Father before contacting you and please  fill the remaining space also add your bank account information where my inheritance will transfer after you contact the bank and forward the below email to the bank now through their bank email address (eoc.bf.bank@bk.ru) including your bank account information where the money will be transferred because the bank are waiting to attend to you as my appointed trustee since I have already written a letter authorization to them confirming you as my appointed over my inheritance.

APPLICATION AS TRUSTEE TO THE NEXT OF KIN  ACCOUNT HOLDER LATE MR.Prez John A/C N°:003310166488. SORT CODE:IMFBF07 24.


I’Mr.Adam Pancake,
FROM: 123 Fabrication Way,
Nationality: British,
TELEPHONE: 02011-793020,
Passport:.....,
OCCUPATION:Self Employed,
AGE: 24years,
SEX: Male,
MARITAL STATUS: Single,

humbly apply to your bank as trustee to Miss Mirinda Prez John. The next of kin to your deceased customer, Late Hon. Mr.Prez John. Who past away. and I am taking this liberty to inform the management of your bank to effect an immediate release and transfer of my partner inherited fund valued at (USD$5.7 Million) Into my account because I will be helping her to invest the fund in my country while she will be here and further her education. Am wishing that my application will be given an immediate attention. Thanking you for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully

Wow.  Now, I was a little confused at this point.  I imagine that she wanted me to send my account number and sort code to this new email address she'd provided (which is totally trustworthy because it has the word "bank" in it).  Due to my confusion, problems arose:

Hi Miranda,
I tried to email that address you sent to me, but something went weird on my computer and now I am scared.  When I went to click the link, a laughing noise came of out the speakers.  It was an evil laugh, like a wounded seal in a rotating drum. 

Because I was scared, I went to see a policeman.  The policeman said I probably have a virus.  When I told him about our arrangement, he said it sounds like a scam and that I should be careful about giving bank details to strangers online.  I told him that you weren't a stranger.  I told him you were the great Miranda Prez, daughter of El Prezidente, and that the hardships you've overcome in your life mean that you'd never scam someone.  Besides, it's you who's giving me money, so there's more potential for me to be the scammer, right? 

Anyway, as I'm scared that the laughing noise may come back, can I just send you my details?  If I send them to you via a reply to this email, surely you could forward them onto the bank for me. 

Much appreciated.

I thought the involvement of the police might scare her off.  Wrong again!

Hello Dear 

How are you and your business I hope all is well? I received your letter and you said that you take my problem to police upon all my condition I told that am pacing through in the camp please if you need to help me forward the information to me so that I can help you to send the information to the bank I will like you to keep this thing secret between tow of us if the is anything which you don’t understand tell my so that I will explain to you to avoid any mistake because I want to come to your country to finish my studies so that I will do business with you and we can married each order please I need your help so that the bank will attend to you, Monday morning thanks for you care I hope to from you soonest. 

Your faithfully
Miss Mirinda Prez.

Wait, hang on, marriage?  How do I get myself into these things?!

Hi Miranda,
You want to marry me? I always knew I was a hit with the ladies, but I didn't expect that I'd be able to seduce a perfect stranger via email. 

I'm starting to plan our wedding. The colour scheme will be green and brown. Your dress will be made out goose feathers, and my tux will be made from solidified goose fat. If you haven't noticed, I also own a goose farm. One of your wifely duties will be to attend to these geese. They do enjoy pecking new people though. Especially on the boobs. 

As for keeping this a secret, I don't think my mum would forgive me if I got married without inviting her. Don't you want your step mother to give you away? Sure, she's a bitch, but weddings are all about family. 

Anyway, let me know what kind of bank details you need from me. I don't know what details you need. I can tell you that the manager is named John, and that the building is grade 2 listed. Other than that, I don't know what the fuck. 

Thanks. 

P.S. Is it a problem if I already have a wife? I said I was single before, but I forgot that I married a Nigerian Princess in similar circumstances last year. I really need to find out where she went.

I hoped that would put her off and make her realise that marriage wasn't an option.  Looks like I'm wrong for a third time:

Hello Dear

How are you and your business I hope all well? I received your email with understood that you didn’t understand my explanation I mean that you should not disclose the transaction to any body let it be between two of use, the issue of married I told you the is no any time you will do married me without you family being away of my marriage so I cannot told you to not tell you to not tell your family ok understand me now  do something fast to avoid me die hear in the camp because am suffering even to eat is a problem please let my condition touch your mined for my rescue I so believe I you I need your urgent reply soonest. 

Yours faithfully
Miss Mirinda Prez.

Looks like Miranda can't read.  Perhaps her reading comprehension is linked to her "suffering to eat".

Hi Miranda Pez 

Why is it a problem to eat? Is the food awful? I can remember once when I volunteered at the homeless shelter, they had some carrot and corriander soup which was disgusting. One of the other volunteers said that I shouldn't be eating the soup, but I considered it a perk of the job, since we weren't getting paid. In the end, I threw the soup all over him and stormed out. That's the kind of charitable guy I am. 

Anyway, I've been trying to find a way in which I can marry you whilst still having another wife. The only way we can do it is to convert to mormonism, but I'm not prepared to wear pastel slacks and give up drinking, not even to save your life. I'm sorry. Can't you just send me some money? I'm getting impatient now. 

Cheers

Thanks for reading.  I hope this has encouraged you to marry Kenyan millionaires in order to help them escape their evil step mothers.  If we all work together, we can help to undo this evil.

My Inbox Is Spam

Long time readers might recall that I have a penchant for replying to spammers.  In a similar fashion to playing the lottery, you know that the one Ugandan millionaire who you fail to reply to will be the one who is genuine.  I'll be damned if I'm missing out on that opportunity.

Naturally, I tend to get a fair amount of spam because I have the tendency to reply.  Most of it doesn't tend to go anywhere, but recently I've had a couple that have led to amusing exchanges.  I thought I'd post them here so that they aren't a complete waste of time.  Today's post focusses on Nenny, a Swiss lady who has more money than healthy breast tissue, as you'll soon find out:

BELOVED,

GREETINGS DEAR BLOVE ONE. I AM MRS NENNY WILLIAMS FROM SWITZERLAND,BUT BASED HERE IN UNITED KINGDOM LONDON, A WIDOW TO MR ANDREW WILLIAMS I AM 55 YEARS OLD,SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST, FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WONT LIVE MORE THAN MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE.MY LATE HUSBAND DIED LAST FIVE YEARS HERE IN LONDON,WE WERE MARRIED FOR ELEVEN YEAR WITHOUT A CHILD .MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN 2 MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DEVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA,AND EUROPE.AND I SELECTED YOU AFTER MY PRAYED OVER IT.

I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF ( 2.800.000.00.) TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NO THAT THIS FUND IS LYING IN THE BANK HERE IN LONDON. ONCE I HEAR FROM YOU, I WILL FORWARD TO YOU ALL THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL USE TO GET THIS FUND RELEASED FROM THE BANK AND TO BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE SURE FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.YOUR SISTER IN CHRISTMRS NENNY WILLIAMS

Poor Nenny.  I'd feel sorry for her if it wasn't for the fact that she's an utter fabrication.  In good Christian spirit (why do they always assume that you're religious?), I decided to write back:

Dearest, beloved Nenny,

I am so happy that you contacted me in caps.  We only get a limited time on this Earth, so I'm pleased to see that you are using the small time you have left to pass your wealth over to random strangers via the Internet. 

It seems that you are a good christian woman, and I am a good christian man.  I would happily use the money to build several African schools, churches, church schools, and schurches.  It would be the least I could do after receiving such a generous sum of money.  I would have to take some money myself for my general living, expenses, mortgage, speedboat, and a fleet of suicide geese, but the rest would go to Africa.  Honest

Also, you failed to mention the currency of the 2,800,000.00.  Is that in pounds, rupees, or 'favours'?  I'm severely in debt in 'favours', so this would go a long way to clearing that debt.

Thanks
Me

Nenny seems to mix her business with religion rather a lot.  It's like Jesus is her own personal financial advisor.

BELOVED

PLEASE FORGIVE THE HASTE OF THIS MESSAGE.  I AM RUNNING ON TIGHT SCHEDULE AND THE DEADLINE IS SHORTCOMING AND ONLY SEVERAL DAYS REMAIN. THE BANK REQUIRE SOME OF YOUR DETAILS FIRST IN ORDER TO TRANSACTION THIS.FIRST THEY WILL NEED YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.  SECOND THEY NEED THE NAME OF YOUR BANK.  THIRD THEY NEED YOUR SORT CODE.  PLEASE PROVIDE AND WE CAN PRESS ON THIS.

MY HEARTEST THANKS GO TO YOU FOR THIS.  I HAD HOPED IN GOD THAT I WOULD FIND A MAN TO HELP ME CONTINUE MY AMBITION.

Can you imagine my joy at receiving this email?  After a heartest breakfast, I decided to reply:

Dear Nenny-Wenny,

I am pleased that I can make your dreams come true.  This means that I am no longer lying on my Match.com profile.

My heartest goes out to you in the heartest fashion over your breastest condition.  By the way, have you considered using the money to go private and get some treatment for your illness?  Never mind.

As for the bank details, I'm afraid I'm having a few problems finding them.  I went to see my bank (i.e.Tony "The Shark" Tickett who works in a warehouse near the docks), and he said that he wouldn't give me my bank details over a "crazy scam".  I insisted that God was guiding our transaction, but he wouldn't believe me.  He did kindly lend me the bus fare home though, which is set at 1200% APR, which means that my manageable monthly repayments will be £14,972 a month.  I don't earn that much , but since I'm such a shrewd financial person, I'll just take out another loan to pay it off.  Anyway, is there another way I can find out these details for you?

Yours heartestly
Addman

Apparently, going to my bank wasn't such a great move:

BELOVED 

YOU DO NOT REQUIRE YOUR BANK MANAGER FOR THIS TRANSACTION.  IF YOU HAVE A STATEMENT THE DETAILS WILL BE ON THERE.  YOU CAN SCAN DOCUMENT IF YOU HAVE SCAN OPTION.

I PRAY FOR YOUR SPEED AND UNDERSTANDING IN THIS MANNER. I MAY SAY THAT THERE WILL BE A SMALL PROCESSING FEE BUT DO NOT WORRY FOR THIS.  PAYMENT WILL FOLLOW SHORTLY AFTER.

What could possibly go wrong?

Dear Nenny McPhee

I'm afraid that Tony "The Shark" Tickett doesn't tend to give paper statements.  He just usually carves the figure you owe into your forehead with a shard of glass, before washing the wound with a litre of phlegm.  I've tried scanning my face so you can have the details, but the bright lights blinded me and I knocked over the coffee table in a daze.

Upon hearing about our transaction, I'm afraid that Tony has also frozen my account for fear that I'll get "ripped off again".  I explained that I haven't ripped off before, I just haven't received those cookies from that hairy, 6ft tall, bearded girl scout yet.  She also said she'd send my credit card back too.  Regardless, how can I convince Tony that you're a genuine, Christian person?

Yours BleedinglyAddman

Oddly enough, she failed to reply after that.  Yet again I've missed out on a fortune thanks to my backstreet bank manager.

Alan Paige Vs Nigerian Millionaires

Spam, spam, glorious spam.  Nothing quite like it for exposing a sham.  That's what I've been trying to do this week, when my inbox was suddenly flooded by a legion of Nigerian millionaires who were just giving away their money.  Despite what we are constantly told by Comic Relief and those aid agencies, Africa must be the richest continent in the world, judging by these rich bastards who are sending me emails.

In the spirit of good faith, I decided to write back to some of them, under the guise of Alan Paige.  Alan is a simple man who tries to scratch a living out of doing fuck all, so was naturally delighted to receive such emails.  First on the agenda is Mr Mohamed Omar Ibrahim, a kind gentleman who tries to get a dead 90's R'n'B star to bless me from beyond the grave.  Weird:

Dear Friend,

As-salaam aliekum.....

Please, kindly pardon me for any inconvenience this letter may cost you because I know it may come to you as a surprise as we have no previous correspondence. I got your contact as I was searching for an assistant in your country, and this is why I decided to appeal to you as a matter of urgency about a huge transfer of ($9,700,000.00) Nine Million Seven Hundred Thousand United State Dollar. But I want to first transfer $1,700.000.00 (One million seven hundred thousand USD) from this money into a safe account and after which we will transfer the remaining (8M) I have only written to seek for your indulgence and assistance. You will be providing a designated bank account of your choice. It is an unequivocal fact that we’ve not met nor communicated before but due to the true revelation that I should share this with you.

My name is Mr Mohamed Omar Ibrahim. Director of integrated finance of a bank here in West Africa Thus for your indulgence and assistance (morally and financially), i propose a 45% share of the total amount to you after the transfer has been successfully effected, I need your urgent response on assurance of trust that you will not deny me my share once the fund is credited to your personal bank account as I am a poor civil servant who depends solely on monthly salary, so kindly state your interest by replying immediately and i shall furnish you with details and procedures preceding the transfer.

ALLAH BLESS YOU
Mr Mohamed Omar Ibrahim

What a wonderful director of integrated finance you are.  I could just kiss you:

Dear Mr Mo Molam

45% of $9,700,000.00?  That stands to make me $9,699,999.99! I would be honoured, blessed, and aroused to receive such a bounty.  I've already started spending the money in my mind.  Here is what I intend to spend it on:

1.  A jetski
2.  Another jetski
3.  A child's jetski
4.  Two more jetskis strapped together with duct tape to make a 2 person jetski
5.  A red jetski

I might also buy a crate of pencil toppers.  Please furnish me with details of how I can fulfill my dream of starting a jetski school for the over 70's.

He responds:

Dear Friend,      

May peace and mercy of almighty Allah be upon you

     

Thanks for your response to my appeal for your noble assistance, however i believe that you will make a good patina with me and i will like your maturity in keeping this transaction as top secret and confidential as I'm a staff in this bank and this is my 22 years of been in service with this bank I'm 51years now and a family man married with one wife and 2 children and i promise you that you will never regret knowing me as a Muslim brother and also a patina.

Nonetheless you have to provide different accounts after we transfer the first US$ 1.7million then the remaining Eight Million will be split in different accounts, so you don't have anything to be afraid of in this transaction because i have been working with this bank for many years I also have the full conviction that you will not betray or disappoint me once this money is transferred into your bank account. To be frank with you, this transaction is totally genuine and i am absolutely an honest and sincere person.

The name of the late bank customer is: Dr. F. Shah Young a physician and industrialist, He met his sudden death in wildfire disaster on 1st Oct. 2003  and I am the only person who has the full information of his abandoned account, so when I investigate about the cause of his death it was gathered that he died along with his wife and three(3)children, he left the sum of Nine Million Seven Hundred Thousand  United States dollars ($9,700,000.00USD ) in his account in the Bank and did not name his  beneficiary, since then the bank had been waiting to see if any body from abroad could come forward and put claims over his balance, as this is exactly Eight years he died, therefore I want us to be fast in communication so that this fund will be out from this bank within 7days we apply for the release. And I need the bellow information as soon as you get this mail so that I can start drafting an application to proceed.

1. Your Full Name
2. Your Full Address.
3. Occupation
4. Age & Sex
5. Your personal phone number for easy communication

After receiving your reply with the above information of yours then I will draft and send you a text which you will fill with your safe account details for the release of the fund.

ALLAH BLESS YOU
Mr. Mohamed Omar Ibrahim

Promising stuff.  I don't understand all that banky wank, but the prospect is making me rather hot:

Dear Fiend,

I am glad to hear that the great god Aaliyah is upon me.  I can feel Aaliyah's presence all over my shivering, naked torso.  The mere thought is making me short of breath, and long of genitals.

I also believe we could make good patinas together.  When all this is over, we should open a patina stall, selling hot, tasty patinas to the world.

As for the questions, here are the answers you require:

1.  Alan Stalin Paige
2.  123 Madeupa Road, Vaguesville, Norway, YT59 000
3.  Bed Tester
4.  Never too old for it.
5.  0766001y8.ab

Hope this helps.

P.S.  I don't have a bank account.  Will this be a problem?

For some reason, he stopped responding.  I guess the bank closed for the week.  Strange stuff.

Next up, a rather long, yet suspicious email.  I decided to call this person out on the grounds of being a fraud:

Dear Respectful,

Warm greetings to you and your family in good faith. I am aware that this is not a formal approach in starting a relationship, but as time goes on, you will realise the need for my approach. My email to you will come as as a surprise since i don't know you in person. But if this message comes to you out of your wish, i am very sorry. I hope that you will read through this email and understand how difficult things can be for someone in a particular period in life.

I introduce my self to you with all faith, trust and hope you will understand to assist me not to betray me at the end. My name is Ann Zaky i am 22years now, i was a student in the University of Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast) I am the only daughter of late Chief STEVE ZAKY Some rebel from one part of the government struck our township and killed my parents and my only brother because my father was one of the oppositions to the former president of my country Cote D'Ivoire (Ivory Coast).

And before his death he has succeded in saving the sum of $37.5 Miilion U.S.D (thirty seven million five hundred thousand dollars.) left in a fixed suspense account with a bank here in Abidjan which i am the next of kin. My dad has planed to purchase and import some cocoa processing machines and the development of another factory, unfortunately he did not meet his target before his untimely death The reason  why i contacted you for help is due to the agreement my late father had with the bank during the deposit.

I have been denied access to withdraw the money from the bank, the bank manager told me precisely that the money was deposited in a suspense fixed account with a clause attached to it for onward transfer into a foreign bank account. I have tryed all i could, but the bank manager advised me to look for a foreign account where the money can be transfered into before i can have access to it.

Since security here can not be guaranteed, besides i've lost my family and my father's company was burnt down in that rebel attack.  Right now i am in great sufferings and difficulty, i can't feed myself because i have spent all the money i have. Please i am begging you to do me a favor by standing as my guardian and receiver of the money on my behalf, or you can stand as my late father's foreign business partner to enable the bank to transfer my late dad's money into your account.

I have suffered in so much pain since i lost my family. my uncle has been after my life because of this money but he did not know exactly where the money was deposited, so i have decided to go out of this country and invest in your country if you will accept to receive the transfer. I will be investing in industrial production as soon as the bank has made the transfer to you, and you make an arrangement for me to come over to your country after this money is transfered to you.

Please my dear, if you will help me realise this transfer and get me out of this pain, You will have 15% of the total money as compensation for your effort, and another 5% for any other expense you might made after a successful transfer by the bank into your account, and that will total your own share of the transfer 20%. Please i am begging you to help me by indicating your interest in your reply to this mail if willing.

Please permit me to ask, can you honestly help me as your own person and can i completely trust you? Please i kindly requesting for this vital information from you if you agreed to assist me out of my problem: (1) Your full name (2) Your Personal telephone number and fax.I will also  want you to tell me more about yourself in your reply to my mail to you.

I will be expecting your urgent reply as soon as posible. Thanks and may God bless you have a nice day hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Sincerely

Miss Ann Zaky

Ha!  An obvious rouse!  Just how did I come to such a conclusion!  Marvel at my powers of dedudction which make Sherlock Holmes look more like Inspector Gadget:

Dear Wacky Zaky,

I can see through your lies.  This is an obvious scam and I am calling the police, the Royal Navy, and my nan to find out what I can do to stop you.

Are you wondering what gave you away?  Well, your story is completely believable, and I had a similar problem a few years ago.  My father tried to cross the road and his foot was run over by a smart car.  The shock made him drop his wallet, which was promptly stolen by a seagull.  There was no Christmas that year.  Or any other year for that matter...in fact, it seems that a series of unlikely circumstances always fell around the festive season.

No, I realised because you said you were from the fictional country of Ivory Coast.  Hahaha!  A whole coast made out of ivory?  Pull the other one, love!

Now we move onto the third one!  Here's another millionaire who wishes to send me money, and pictures of herself!  Here we go again:

Hello Dearest One,

How are you today, Please accept my sincere apologises if my email does not meet your business or personal ethics, I really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here.

Please I write not only to introduce myself to you, but also tender a joint investment business proposal for your considerations and acceptance. I know that receipt of my communication shall be a great surprise to you considering the fact that we did not know each other or had any business negotiations before now, I am also aware of the fact that there is a lot of fraudulent business proposals circulating around the world, which makes it imperative for one to be extremely careful before accepting and venturing any business proposal from unfamiliar person like me.

I however, pray your respected self not to allow the above unnatural abnormalities to influence your decision to accept my genuine proposal and intentions which undoubtedly would be of immense mutual benefits to both of us. I pledge to you for urgent and dedicated attention which this issue deserves.

I deem it necessary to introduce myself in detail for you and the need for your assistance to claim and invest my inheritance for me, I am Miss. Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson, 26years old girl from Liberia, the only daughter of Late National Bank of Liberia Governor, Thomas Hanson who died on June 8, 2009 at the Delaware County Memorial Hospital inUpper Darby from a massive stroke. Meanwhile he had earlier undergone a kidney transplant in april 2009 at the university hospital of pennsylvania in philadelphia.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment I, am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father.

Meanwhile I wanted to escape to the Europe but they hide away my international passport and other valuable traveling documents. Luckily they did not discover where I kept my Father's File which contains important documents. So I decided to run to the refugee camp where I am presently seeking asylum under the United Nations High Commission for the Refugee here in Ouagadougou Republic of Burkina Faso. I wish to contact you personally for a long term business relationship and investment assistance in your country.

My father secretly deposited the sum of US$3,628, 000.00 in one of the prime bank with my name as the next of kin. However, I shall forward you with the necessary information of the deposit on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer and investment of the fund in your country. As you will also help me in an investment, and I will like to complete my studies, as I was in the school in Monrovia-Liberia, before the death of my father.

It is my intention to compensate you with 15% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my investment capital. This is the reason why I decided to contact you. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes. As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely.

I am staying at the female hostel. Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self please I advice you not to disclose it to a third party till I come over, once the fund has been transferred into your account. I hope my explanation is very clear but if you need further clarification, then send in your questions.I will try to scan my picture to send in my next mail.

Thanks as I hope to receive from you soon.

Yours Sincerely

Miss Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson

I could never be rude to someone who was in Hanson!  I must help at once!

Dear Miss Umm Bop Hanson,

I can identify with your dilemma.  My step mother is always causing me grief, telling me that I need to get a proper job to support her daughter and our 7 kids.  Apparently, selling moss door-to-door doesn't "put food on the table" (unless you are prepared to eat moss).

As a result, I want to help you in your hour of need.  Not for any monetary reward, you understand, but to sock it mother-in-laws everywhere!  Just tell me what you need to know, and I will help you.

Also, I'm looking forward to seeing your picture.

Thanks

This one doesn't like to mess around:

Hello Dearest One,

I am happy to hear that you want to help.  I am happy that you understand my emergency situation.

Please do not think of me as rude, as what I am about to ask for is of most privacy.  If you appreciate that this is unusual circumstance I am sure that we will benefit enormously from this in the end.  Please send me the following details:

1. Name and address

2. Name of bank

3. Account number

4. Sort code

5. Telephone number

Once I have this information the transfer will take up to five banking days to complete.  During this time I trust that you will be patient while the payment occurs.  I will find it difficult to communicate with you over the next few days due to my situation.

Yours Sincerely

Miss Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson

No picture, and no way of talking to you once I hand over my details.  In the words of Eric Cartman; you're busting my balls here...

Dear Ted Danson,

I have looked all over my bank statements for these details, but due to my crippling illiteracy, I am struggling to find this information.  There's a four, followed by some shapes which could be anything, and some sort of hieroglyph of a man with a bird's face.  He looks hungry.  I apologise, but I'm going to need more instruction on how to get this information.

I could scan it in for you, but since you didn't send me a scan of your picture, I don't think that's very fair, do you?  If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Yours Yoursingly,

Alan Paige

This is when Miss Ellen implodes, leaving only a rather impatient scam artist.

Dear Sir

I can not scan as no access is available at female shelter.  Please send details as soon as possible as time is due to expire.

Miss Ellen Thomas D. Voer Hanson

I'm sorry folks, I tried to get you a picture, I really did.  Time to wrap this one up:

Dear Tiny Dancer,

I do not think our transaction will be able to go ahead.  I went down to the bank and shouted at the clerk, demanding "GIVE ME THE DETAILS FOR LIBERIAN MILLIONS!".  I was thrown out of the bank, and my account is about to be closed due to my "unreasonable behaviour", and for trying to urinate into the ATM machine that same evening.  

This means I am due to lose my life savings unless I transfer the money into a new account.  Please send me your account number and sort code, and I'll deposit the money and let you keep 2% of the total £13.93.

Ta

Alan Paige