Competition Time

Muppets For Justice is a free enterprise which provides endless entertainment to the masses at no cost.  How do we manage to keep the wolf from the door without a pay wall or advertisements?  Well, mainly because I perform sexual favours down at my local ISP's offices.  However, all is about to change, and my palms finally have the chance to recover. Muppets For Justice is proud to announce a new corporate sponsor!

As a thank you for being such loyal masochists-I mean readers, you have the chance to win a voucher for spectacles, or some other shit.  I received an email from a company called Firmoo, who were eager to make business dealings with me:

Hello,
Are you searching for sponsors ? Do you wanna encourage the interaction with your followers on your social networks ?

Firmoo.com, an online optical store, would like to sponsor you a giveaway on any of your social sites like blog, YouTube, Instagram or Pinterest. You can host a contest for us particularly or you can just put the prizes we offer in the contest you are running.

If you are interested in this offer, you can start to create the contest post right away after get this email. How to proceed this can be found below:

About the prizes:
Vouchers valued at $150 in total. You have to draw 5 persons to win the voucher. Each of them are able to get a $30 voucher. Shipping is excluded. The vouchers are toward the purchases of glasses from this page http://www.firmoo.com/z/firmoo-sponsored-giveaway.html .
About the rules:
Share this contest on Facebook/Twitter.
You can set the other tasks you like.

About the period:
It is suggested to last 7 days, but you can extend it a bit longer if you like.

Finally, it is an international giveaway, but please put this link http://www.firmoo.com/help-p-84.shtml in your post where you can find all the counties we deliver our products to.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me back if you have any questions.
We are looking forward to your response.
Firmoo.com

Naturally, I'd give anything to sell this Blog down the river, so I leaped at the opportunity:

Dear Mr Firmoo,

I was delighted to hear about your eyeglass vouchers.  I run an eye-piece fansite called Muppets For Justice, so I imagine my readers would be thrilled to recieve awesome vouchers for optical accessories.

I would love to hold a competition and give my loyal enthusiasts the chance to run their peepers over your range of glasses, but I have a few questions first.

1)  Do your glasses work in the UK?

2)  Do I need any artistic ability in order to draw the winners?  I did take an evening class on life drawings, but got expelled for painting in the nude.

3)  Do the vouchers cover anything other than spectacles?  Some of my elite readers won't go for a vanilla pair of glasses.  They are usually to be seen sporting monocles, bejewelled binoculars, or sometimes they just strap prisms to their faces.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to telling my readers about this exciting opportunity.

Thanks

A perfectly reasonable set of questions, I'm sure you'll agree.  The next day I received the following response from, who I assume to be Mr Firmoo's daughter.  Miss Tina Firmoo:

Hi,

Thank you so much for your email and glad to learn that you are interested in working with us.
We do have lots of regular customers from UK. You can choose the 5 winners by random.
The $30 can apply to the frame, 1.50 single lenses. The upgrade lenses will be charged for an extra fee. Shipping is excluded.
Please email me the link to the giveaway once it is up. Any other questions, feel free to contact me.

Regards,

Tina

Any other questions?  That's just bait for idiots like me.  I wasn't sure what kind of contest to run, so I decided to ask Miss Tina Firmoo for some advice:

Dear Tina Firmoo,

Thank you very much for replying to my questions.  I've spoken to a couple of my regular readers and they appear rather stoked about this contest.  They can't wait to get their hands on those delicious vouchers.

However, I'm still not sure what kind of contest I'm going to run on my Blog.  I have a few notions that I'm mulling over, and since you seem to be a competition expert, I would very much appreciate your input.  Please let me know what you think of my ideas:

A) Entrants must express their love of contact lenses through the medium of interpretive dance.  They will send in videos of themselves performing the dance, and we will judge who conveys their excitement most effectively.  Bonus points if you can get a dog to dance.

B) Erotic fanfiction involving characters with visual impairments.  Entrants must choose two fictional characters with glasses and express their lust in graphic detail, pausing only to push their glasses further up the bridge of their nose.

C) A "Who Can Look At The Sun Longest Through A Telescope" competition.  Video evidence must be provided.

What do you think?

Thanks

Tina Firmoo replies:

Hi,
We usually do not set any rules for reader to enter the giveaway we sponsor. However, if it is the way you interact with your fans. I think it is Ok. 
Regards,

Tina

So if I usually molest my fans, you'd think that was okay too?  Giving me free reign over a project like this is just asking for disaster:

Dear Tina Firmoo,

Okay, it's fantastic to know that you trust my judgement unequivocally.  It has given me the confidence to make a decision on this matter.

That is why I have launched a "How would you woo Tina Firmoo?" competition.  Entrants must provide a 5000 word essay on what they would like to do with you on a date.  I've already asked some of my readers and, being the lonely eye-glass enthusiasts that they are, they are rather exicted to date a woman outside of a Steampunk rally. One guy chap said he'd like to take you ice fishing.  Another said he would take you to the cinema to see Terminator 2, provided you wore a clockwork outfit, 200 belts that don't give any support, and occasionally emitted scalding steam from your ears.  I said I'd see what I could do.

Do you have preferred type of date?  The winner would be the person who describes a scenario close to your ideal date. 

Thanks

And then, for some strange reason, the replies dried up. My guess is that she took one look at the creepy weirdo portfolio that is my fanbase and chickened out.  Yet again I have been thwarted by my legions of ugly readers.  I hope you folks are happy with yourselves!

Reviews From My Ex Girlfriends

Hello ladies,

My name is Addman, and thank you for looking at my dating profile. I have many qualities that elevate me above lesser men, and a vast array of special abilities that will tantalise and excite you. For example, my multitasking skills are second to none, meaning that I can breathe and keep my heart functioning at a very healthy 180 beats per minute. That rhythmic beat pattern has lead to interest from Skrillex, who intends to compose one of his Dubbed Step ditties using my palpatations as a template.

While that is just one of a smorgasbord of delights that awaits the lucky female who dares to court me, of course, you may doubt my authenticity. I could sit here and spout my most endearing qualities, or regale you with my winning Risk campaign strategies, but you would have to take my word on it. That's why I have compiled a genuine list of past girlfriends and asked them to provide a comprehensive review. It's a little like Yelp where all the reviewers have all yelped with passion at some point:

Louise 26, Bristol

 

 

First of all, let me just start off by saying that Addman is a demon between the sheets. I mean that literally. He gets off on being called Mundas Eater Of Worlds, and boy will he devour your world. While we dated we didn't leave the bedroom for three weeks straight, which meant that when we emerged we had both lost our jobs and had forgotten how to function in the real world. I forgot how to sit down, and couldn't comprehend objects on a vertical plane anymore. Addman is truly a must buy, would recommend.

Carly 22, Huddersfield

 

 

The day I met Addman was the day I began believing in parallel dimensions. When we first made love, we vibrated through the very fabric of reality, and reached a dimension where everything was exactly the same except that David Cameron had been replaced with a startled Caribou. The only reason we split up was because I felt guilty that I was denying other women the chance to date him. Unless you don't like interdimensional portals due to allergies or something, you'd be a fool to miss out!

Eileen 78, Goole

 

This boy is utter filth. During the two weeks I knew him we did every position you could name. The Knarled Tree Stump, The Beadle's Hand, and of course the feared yet highly respected Swizzle Stick. I had to give him up for lent, otherwise I'm sure we'd have attempted The Panicked Sprinkler with him.

Brook 32, Dagenham

 

 

 

Nobody does it better,

Makes me feel sad for the rest,

Nobody does it HALF as good as you,

Baby you're the best at Tekken.

 

Seriously, he is up to competition standard and favours Bryan Fury.  Beware of juggle combos.

Glenda 45, North Nibley

 

I had my reservations about dating a younger guy, but Addman allayed my fears by pointing rigorously to his crotch and shouting "come on" repeatedly. When I was aboard the goodship Addman, I was absorbed in a selfish mindset where only my own desires mattered, and of course, expected them to be satiated. By the way, his real name is actually Addman. He had it changed because the name Gerald didn't do his superhero persona any favours.

Gizelle 19, Mexico City

 

I thought I would be alone forever. My family were ready to kick me out of the homestead because I was a wicked spinster who bought shame upon our bloodline. That was when I consulted the local warlock, who suggested that I try the Ritual Of Summoning to conjure up a man. After sacrificing an entire breeding population of endangered mice, a dense mist enveloped the room. A tall, dark, handsome shadow stood amongst the swirling vapours and I was instantly transfixed. That figure, of course, was Addman. He met my family, told them that their attitudes towards women marrying in their teenage years was positively medieval, and convinced them of the folly of their superstitions. Now I'm an investment banker and a career woman, all thanks to Addman.

Freida 20, Geneva

 

Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the Gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Addman killed them all for sport, merely because he could. Bit messy, but definitely sexy.

If, for some weird reason, that list of utterly genuine testimonials doesn't make you want to test my testicles, then I have a note from my mother that vouches for me. Otherwise, please find my contact details on my profile page, and I await your call. And trust me, you will call.

Your Relationship Problems - Pecked

Love is a dangerous game.  When you’re winning it feels like you’ve rolled all sixes and got a triple word score on Mayfair.  But if things start to go wrong, that stack of cards suddenly goes kerplunk and you end up tumbling down a snake into an unavoidable checkmate.  As a result, there are a lot of unlucky people when it comes to love.

It was my intention to dole out some relationship advice to lovestruck strangers on the Internet.  However, as I am an equal opportunities employer (and unfathomably lazy), I drafted in a dirty street pigeon to help answer your romantic issues.  Ladies and gentlemen, I hand you over to everyone’s favourite feathered sexpert, Ollie The Pigeon.

Hi everyone, Ollie here.  I’m not sure what I’m doing here to be honest.  This Internet thing is a little beyond my bird-brained comprehension.  Also, I keep getting distracted by the crumbs in the keyboard.  Anyway, I suppose I better start by reading some of your letters.  If I do well, Addman’s promised me the crust from last night’s pizza.

Gemma Driveway – Car Park Attendant

Dear Ollie,

I’m afraid me and my boyfriend have hit a bit of a rough patch in our relationship.  I’ve been given the opportunity to be a night watchwoman at the car park, but my boyfriend works through the day.  He doesn’t want me to take the job as we won’t see each other very much, but it’s too much money to turn down.  What should I do?

Dear Gemma,

This reminds me of my mate Robin Crisp.  He fell in love with a Canadian goose.  They had a crazy summer love affair, but at the end of September she had to head south for the winter for family reasons.  He waited out in the cold for her every day and every night, hoping and praying for her to return.  Well, one day we found that he had died of frostbite.  He had literally frozen solid overnight. What a fucking idiot!

As for my advice, I dunno.  If you don’t want your boyfriend to freeze to death, don’t leave him alone at night?  I think that'll do.

Alaister Drew – Bike Saddle Taster

Dear Ollie,

I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time.  About 6 years ago, I discovered an online game called Realm of Warlocks and I pledged all of my free time to it.  However, the game company recently went bust and the servers went down, cruelly throwing me out into the real world.  How can I trick a female into bumping uglies with me?

Dear Alaister,

The best way to pick up a girl is to inflate your chest and coo at her.  If that doesn’t work, steal a sausage roll from a fat kid outside Greggs and let her share it (you could peck the kid's eyes out if he resists.  Ladies dig that kind of bravery).  You could also try impressing her with great feats of strength and agility.  You know those spikes they put on ledges to stop birds landing on them?  I found a way to walk on them safely, which has got me laid no end of times.  The trick is to step between the spikes.  Hope this helps.

Barry Shogun – Salt Salesman

Dear Ollie,

Me and my girlfriend were having sex the other day, when she suddenly queefed.  At first I was repulsed, but then I realised that it rattled my junk around in a pleasurable way.  I was wondering, is there a sure-fire way to get her to queef regularly?  We’ve tried everything we can think of, but she hasn’t had another queef since.

Dear Barry,

I never have this problem as all the girls I sleep with are all serial queefers.  That might just be the type of crowd I hang out with though.  I reckon queefing is down to diet, so she probably needs a little more enrichment in her food.  Take her round the back of KFC after closing time; they have a massive bin that’s stocked to the gills, if you can get past the foxes.  My mate Jimmy Two-Toes once ate so much coleslaw that he sicked up everywhere, which was great because then we all had some.  Some of the best moments of my life have occurred in that bin.

Stuart Pourer – Heavy Metal Lifter

Dear Ollie,

My wife of 28 years has met a young gentleman online.  She doesn’t know that I know, but I found her chat logs with a young American buck.  They’ve had some pretty saucy chats.  She talks about doing stuff with him that we’ve never done.  I feel ashamed that my wife doesn’t get any excitement from our relationship anymore, but also angry at this infidelity.  Should I confront her about this?

Dear Stuart,

This reminds of a similar situation in which I accidentally proposed to Yasmin Yeast.  I was drunk and she was a tease, what else can I say? Anyway, her boyfriend was proper angry and he threatened to beat me up outside Kwik Fit.  Since he’s a stray boxer dog, I didn’t fancy my chances.  Luckily, a mechanic backed over him in a knackered Vauxhall Vectra so I got out of that one scott free.

In my experience, there’s nothing that can’t be sorted by getting someone run over.  In fact, that reminds me of my mum and dad.  My parents were a right pair of bastards, always fighting and pecking each other’s eyes out.  Anyway, they had a scrap over a piece of garlic bread in the middle of the road.  The number 47 bus put them out of their misery and ended their abusive relationship.  I can still remember my brothers and sisters and I gathering round to mourn/eat the remains.  That’s exactly what you should do, run him over and eat him.

Nicole Papa – Monster Masher

Dear Ollie,

My latest fella wants us to have another baby since we lost one in our rubbish pile.  I told him that it’s unlikely we’ll conceive.  After pushing out 13 so far my innards are like a retired wind sock, but he’s determined.  What positions would you recommend we try in the bedroom?

Dear Nicole,

I’m not sure what you’re on about to be honest.  I once snuck into Philip Schofield’s bedroom after he left the window open on a balmy summer’s evening.  His favourite bedroom position was to sit naked in the corner, rocking backwards and forwards with a box of cornflakes on his head.  He seemed to be masturbating to the ingredients list.  Either way, I didn’t stay long enough to see the conclusion of that one.  Is that what you’re asking?

Brian Herbie-White – Rash Spreader

Dear Ollie,

So I slept with this chick and now I’m like all itchy and stuff.  I don’t wanna go to the doctor ‘cause I’ve been stealing morphine from them, and you never return to the scene of the crime, ya know?  Anyway, how can I tell if I’ve caught something from this girl?

Dear Brian,

Don’t talk to me about infections.  My foot is so gammy that it tends to squelch when I walk.  My mate Dennis Coops reckons that there’s something living in there, but I don’t even want to look at it.  I’ve considered going to the hospital and pecking open the lock on the medical waste bins, but I don’t really know what I’m looking for.  Since you’re a human and can read the labels, perhaps you might have better luck.  Let me know if you find anything for septic feet.

Alison Packard – Communist Party Planner

Dear Ollie,

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  My husband suffers from erectile dysfunction, and I just don’t have the time to wait around for him to stand to attention.  He won’t take Viagra as he wants to stand on his own, so to speak.  What can I do?

Dear Alison,

I knew a badger named Fred Best who had this problem.  We told him that the only way to fix his cock was to roll around in cow shit whilst crying like a baby.  He did it as well, the dozy prick.  Don’t feel too bad for him though, he used to think it was hilarious to frighten old ladies off their front porches and then try to rape them.  As for your problem, I don’t think I can help you.  I’m a pigeon for fuck’s sake!

Marissa Duracell – Camera Photographer

Dear Ollie,

Looks like I’ve ended up single again.  What masturbatory aids can you recommend so I can pleasure myself?



Dear Marissa,

Nothing in life gives me more pleasure than my shiny bottle cap collection.  I used to have around six of the little bleeders until Brutal Charlie stole some from me, and now I’m down to two.  They are quite literally the most precious things I have in my possession.  Seriously, you should get some!

Thanks Ollie, you’ve done sterling work today.  If you’re interested in following my side project Ollie on Twitter, follow him @Olliethepigeon.  Thanks for reading.

Your Whims And Desires #2

Since the last one was fairly successful (it got some responses), I thought I'd cast out my angling line once again and try and snare a few ideas from the minds of the creative readers out there. As before, people have been nice and forthcoming with subjects for me to talk about, so allow me to address them all:

Jane Nattrass

http://www.livingtv.co.uk/shows/dating-in-the-dark/video/

haha

Jane has suggested this to me several times before, so I felt that it was about time that I gave her what she wanted.

Dating In The Dark is exactly what it says on the tin, making it similar to Blind Date through the eyes of Ray Charles. Three boys and three girls enter a house, but the sexes can only meet in a pitch black room. The idea is that they pair off on the strengths of their personalities alone, even though the contestants are allowed to feel each other up if they are amorous enough to do so (and let's face it, who on a reality show isn't?). As you'd expect, the attractive ones attract the other attractive ones based on verbal attraction, and maybe some blind fumbling, which just goes to show that uglies don't have a chance without the standard-leveller known as alcohol.

The best bit of the show comes when the people are asked to describe their mystery romances to a sketch artist. Interestingly enough, the women managed to depict something that resembled real life, whilst the men might have well just drawn a katamari style ball of breasts and humped it. It just goes to show the intrinsic differences between men and women, and also what 90's TV could have been if Cilla Black wore a particularly powerful pair of aviators.

Alan Ganesvoort

Sick comedy. Do it justice :)

I assume this is meant to mean boundary-pushing performances, and not laughing as your mate hopelessly expunges his stomach contents all over the kebab he was about to tuck into. Regardless, sick comedy comes in two categories: Great and Shit.

Great examples are the types of programmes that manage to break a social taboo in a thought provoking way. The most obvious and often quoted example being Brass Eye, especially the paedophile special which, whilst being utterly genius managed to present us with something that was rather outrageous at the time. Before that, we had the likes of The Young Ones pushing the envelope with casual violence, political commentary, and the odd swear word. These days we have Sascha Baron Cohen challenging people's preconceptions with his overly offensive stereotypical characters.

Then you have the Shit types, the ones that simply present something repugnant and expect it to invoke hysterics. These are increasingly common with stand out examples being Little Britain, and the detestable Bo Selecta. The former has characters which simply vomit and piss themselves for laugh, and the latter prefers to vomit and piss whilst saying "fuck" 200 times a sketch. These tactics are usually bought in to deflect the fact that the jokes or catchphrases have little to no substance behind them, yer complete set o' basterds yer.

Vinny Gerstrokes

Should Iran blow Israel to fuck and just initiate the fucking inevitable?

As a pacifist and self styled wanky crybaby, I cannot support a war even if it is for the greater good. The problem with Israel is that everybody wants a piece of the hallowed pie that is the Holy Land. What was set up as a tourist trap is now a hotly contested battle ground over a piece of land that is famous for having a street magician being born there. Scientists have suggested that in 2000 years time, apocalyptic discourse will surround Croydon as factions scramble to own the rights to Derren Brown's flat.

Jane Mason

Ok, so I'm actually thinking about what I'd do to the scrotes who caused a mother to set fire to a car with her disabled daughter in it.

Disable them, then put them in a car and set it on fire? You know what they say; and eye for an eye makes sales of glass eyes soar astronomically.

Today I read a copy of the Metro, and on the front cover was a mother's description of what she'd like to do to Vanessa George. It read "SKIN HER ALIVE AND ROLL HER IN SALT". Whilst I can understand the repulsion behind what she did (worked at nursery and took suggestive photos of children for a paedophile ring), why do people insist on indulging in these depraved torture fantasies, and why do people agree with them? The average British citizen spends at least 28% of their day telling others what they'd like to do to paedophiles. Here's a quick top three ways to torture paedophiles:

• Lock them in a room with a bunch of ravenous mothers who have been starved for three days before that, then watch them eat the paedophile alive.

• Cut off their balls and force the paedo to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with them, followed by a swift round of Kerplunk. Make sure that a board games champion is present so that the paedo will feel utterly useless when he loses.

• Cut off their ears and put speakers next to the holes, then play a basshunter mixtape interspersed with more sick torture fantasies to them.

Angie Landon

Roman Polanski (or weiner dogs).

Roman Polanski? Why do we keep coming back to the topic of paedophiles? Seriously though, The Pianist was a good film, but was it good enough to absolve him of his crimes? Only a judge can decide that matter. Have weiner dogs made any films of that calibur? No, although yours could probably star in The Pianist after seeing this adorable photograph:


Peace out everyone.