A Poem On The Macarena

A one and a two and I do the Macarena,
Right here, right now I will do the Macarena,
I don't know the words to the real Macarena,
HEY MACARENA

Last night I dreamed that I did the Macarena,
I got a medal for service to the Macarena,
Then I woke up and promptly Macarena'd,
HEY MACARENA

Once I pop I can't stop this Macarena,
My aching muscles cannot stand this Macarena,
My body will give out 'fore I stop this Macarena,
HEY MACARENA

I can't relate to people unless they Macarena,
There's a void in my soul only filled by Macarena,
I left my wife 'cos she wouldn't Macarena,
HEY MACARENA

She's got a new man who does not Macarena,
Their sex life is dull due to lack of Macarena,
She'll regret turning her back on the Macarena,
HEY MACARENA

Some say my life has been wrecked by Macarena,
That I lost my job 'cos of relentless Macarena,
The job centre just laughed off my Macarena,
HEY MACARENA

I can't get money with my persistent Macarena,
I'm not classed as disabled 'cos I can Macarena,
The benefits office are biased about my Macarena,
HEY I AM STARVING TO DEATH

Bringing Exy Back

What do you get when you fall in love?  Chances are that you’ll burst your own bubble.  When you consider the amount of relationships that fail, it’s staggering that so many people do something monumentally stupid and utterly screw things up with the one they love.

That’s why I’ve decided to step in.  You’ve messed things up and that’s too bad, but I’m here to limit the damage and potentially reunite you with your significant other.  If you follow my advice, you are guaranteed to kick-start your relationship again, regardless of the heinous relationship blunders you have already committed.  They don’t call me Doctor Love simply because I changed my surname to “Love” and created a fake diploma.  Here’s what you need to do:

1)    Get blind drunk and leave a voicemail.  Because nothing in this world is more charming than a slurred, slightly aggressive declaration of love.  The token of your affection will find it adorable that you’ve physically and mentally crumbled since you broke up with them.  It’s that kind of dependence that makes them feel wanted.

2)    Send them a Sext.  Preferably with a naked photo attached to let them know exactly what they’re missing.  You might need to be drunk again to summon up the courage to do this.  And as we all know, when you’re drunk, you absolutely need a kebab or a pizza.  Don’t be ashamed to photograph yourself naked covered in donner meat, or with suggestively placed pepperoni on your nipples.  Better yet, perhaps you could order a pitta bread the size of a duvet, wrap yourself in it and declare yourself to be a “Love Kebab”.  This will make your lover hungry for more!

3)    If they still haven’t succumbed to your inebriated charms, you need to make them jealous.  Hire yourself a prostitute/escort and walk backwards and forwards past their house, laughing and joking loudly with each pass.  If you really want to play hardball, have sex in your ex’s garden.

4)    Aggressively defend your territory.  If you see your ex out on a date with someone else, you have a legal obligation to punch them square in the face.  You need to fight for your mating rights.  You should also stand guard at the end of their street and warn away any potential rivals.  Pee on a nearby post box to prove your dominance.

5)    You need to start making yourself more appealing to the opposite sex.  It’s time you started working out, shaved those hideous sideburns, squeezed into that size 8 dress, bronzed your pectorals, or sliced off those wobbly bits with a breadknife and no anaesthetic whilst screaming “I WILL BE PRETTY!”.  Just select the ones which apply to you.  If you think that all of these apply to you, you are one scary bastard.  I heartily encourage you to spend the rest of your days living as a hermit in a bell tower.

6)    What’s your name?  Boris Bland?  Mavis Dust?  Shelly Bulpasly?  That’s a horrible name. You need to get that shit changed, and fast.  Go down to your local registry office and get yourself a super sweet moniker like Connor Sexbuttocks or Sultry Bangabout.  With the sheer sexiness of such names, you’re guaranteed to have your ex back, tongue wagging, ready for that sweet relief that only you can provide.

7)    If all the above fails, there is one last resort.  You should get over your ex.  That’ll teach ‘em!

So, now that we’ve learned how to bring exy back, it’s time to get out there and put it to practice.  I’ve tried these on Meryl and I can safely say...oh god Meryl, why?  WHY?!  WE WERE SO GOOD TOGETHER!

Achy Breaky Hearts

~To the guy who held a door open for me at the local department store, thank you.  You were gorgeous.  I gave you my number, so call me!  Also, thanks for letting the door swing shut in my friend’s face and breaking her nose.  The bitch has been starting to look cuter than me lately.

~Me:  Lank hair, bear-like physique, Gears Of War promotional T shirt with only two custard stains on the front.

You:  Lovely brunette lady who didn’t complain when I pressed my erection into your back on a crowded train.  Your hair smelled like cinnamon.  Fancy a Butterbeer sometime?

Nice day for a geek wedding

~Thanks to the pregnant woman who gave me her seat on a crowded bus.  It was useful to rest my shopping bags full of dog food on that seat.  I’d quite like to be your baby’s step daddy sometime.  I promise I won’t lock it in the basement in favour of our own, legitimate offspring.

~Me:  Cute blonde you caught staring at you from behind a copy of Heat magazine.

You:  Man who tried jumping in front of a speeding train.  When you’re feeling a bit better, let me know and we’ll end it together, in style.

~You:  Toothy crack whore, last seen gnoshing on my junk behind Kwik Fit.

Me:  Guy with the penis you said looked like an Allan Key.  Perhaps next time I could use it to tighten your lock.

~To the man who was caught streaking around the children’s playground at my son’s school.  All the other parents were furious, but I rather enjoyed it as a performance piece about our immediate fury over sexual imagery around infancy.  Nice arse too!

~You:  80 year old, grandmother to four, living in the Blakesley Care Home, flat number 13, ground floor.

Me:  Your home help.  Next time I promise you a sponge bath you’ll never forget!

~To the beautiful young lady who ran me over in a Vauxhall Corsa, I think I might have left my heart in your wheel-arch.  If I win the court case, I’ll use the money to buy you a bunch of flowers.

~To all the women I saw in last month’s edition of Playboy, I’m single, willing, and able.  I’m available to apply lotion and help with any costume changes.

~Me:  Guy you found rattling around in your rubbish bins last night.  You called me a freak when I picked out some of your hair and wore it on my head.  I don’t know why you called the cops halfway through our date, but I’m still game for date number two.

You:  Britney Spears

~To the dashing gentleman who saved me from a tribe of cannibals, then whisked me away on his galleon, then began fighting hordes of invading pirates whilst proposing marriage to me, why aren’t you fucking real?!

Your Relationship Problems - Pecked

Love is a dangerous game.  When you’re winning it feels like you’ve rolled all sixes and got a triple word score on Mayfair.  But if things start to go wrong, that stack of cards suddenly goes kerplunk and you end up tumbling down a snake into an unavoidable checkmate.  As a result, there are a lot of unlucky people when it comes to love.

It was my intention to dole out some relationship advice to lovestruck strangers on the Internet.  However, as I am an equal opportunities employer (and unfathomably lazy), I drafted in a dirty street pigeon to help answer your romantic issues.  Ladies and gentlemen, I hand you over to everyone’s favourite feathered sexpert, Ollie The Pigeon.

Hi everyone, Ollie here.  I’m not sure what I’m doing here to be honest.  This Internet thing is a little beyond my bird-brained comprehension.  Also, I keep getting distracted by the crumbs in the keyboard.  Anyway, I suppose I better start by reading some of your letters.  If I do well, Addman’s promised me the crust from last night’s pizza.

Gemma Driveway – Car Park Attendant

Dear Ollie,

I’m afraid me and my boyfriend have hit a bit of a rough patch in our relationship.  I’ve been given the opportunity to be a night watchwoman at the car park, but my boyfriend works through the day.  He doesn’t want me to take the job as we won’t see each other very much, but it’s too much money to turn down.  What should I do?

Dear Gemma,

This reminds me of my mate Robin Crisp.  He fell in love with a Canadian goose.  They had a crazy summer love affair, but at the end of September she had to head south for the winter for family reasons.  He waited out in the cold for her every day and every night, hoping and praying for her to return.  Well, one day we found that he had died of frostbite.  He had literally frozen solid overnight. What a fucking idiot!

As for my advice, I dunno.  If you don’t want your boyfriend to freeze to death, don’t leave him alone at night?  I think that'll do.

Alaister Drew – Bike Saddle Taster

Dear Ollie,

I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time.  About 6 years ago, I discovered an online game called Realm of Warlocks and I pledged all of my free time to it.  However, the game company recently went bust and the servers went down, cruelly throwing me out into the real world.  How can I trick a female into bumping uglies with me?

Dear Alaister,

The best way to pick up a girl is to inflate your chest and coo at her.  If that doesn’t work, steal a sausage roll from a fat kid outside Greggs and let her share it (you could peck the kid's eyes out if he resists.  Ladies dig that kind of bravery).  You could also try impressing her with great feats of strength and agility.  You know those spikes they put on ledges to stop birds landing on them?  I found a way to walk on them safely, which has got me laid no end of times.  The trick is to step between the spikes.  Hope this helps.

Barry Shogun – Salt Salesman

Dear Ollie,

Me and my girlfriend were having sex the other day, when she suddenly queefed.  At first I was repulsed, but then I realised that it rattled my junk around in a pleasurable way.  I was wondering, is there a sure-fire way to get her to queef regularly?  We’ve tried everything we can think of, but she hasn’t had another queef since.

Dear Barry,

I never have this problem as all the girls I sleep with are all serial queefers.  That might just be the type of crowd I hang out with though.  I reckon queefing is down to diet, so she probably needs a little more enrichment in her food.  Take her round the back of KFC after closing time; they have a massive bin that’s stocked to the gills, if you can get past the foxes.  My mate Jimmy Two-Toes once ate so much coleslaw that he sicked up everywhere, which was great because then we all had some.  Some of the best moments of my life have occurred in that bin.

Stuart Pourer – Heavy Metal Lifter

Dear Ollie,

My wife of 28 years has met a young gentleman online.  She doesn’t know that I know, but I found her chat logs with a young American buck.  They’ve had some pretty saucy chats.  She talks about doing stuff with him that we’ve never done.  I feel ashamed that my wife doesn’t get any excitement from our relationship anymore, but also angry at this infidelity.  Should I confront her about this?

Dear Stuart,

This reminds of a similar situation in which I accidentally proposed to Yasmin Yeast.  I was drunk and she was a tease, what else can I say? Anyway, her boyfriend was proper angry and he threatened to beat me up outside Kwik Fit.  Since he’s a stray boxer dog, I didn’t fancy my chances.  Luckily, a mechanic backed over him in a knackered Vauxhall Vectra so I got out of that one scott free.

In my experience, there’s nothing that can’t be sorted by getting someone run over.  In fact, that reminds me of my mum and dad.  My parents were a right pair of bastards, always fighting and pecking each other’s eyes out.  Anyway, they had a scrap over a piece of garlic bread in the middle of the road.  The number 47 bus put them out of their misery and ended their abusive relationship.  I can still remember my brothers and sisters and I gathering round to mourn/eat the remains.  That’s exactly what you should do, run him over and eat him.

Nicole Papa – Monster Masher

Dear Ollie,

My latest fella wants us to have another baby since we lost one in our rubbish pile.  I told him that it’s unlikely we’ll conceive.  After pushing out 13 so far my innards are like a retired wind sock, but he’s determined.  What positions would you recommend we try in the bedroom?

Dear Nicole,

I’m not sure what you’re on about to be honest.  I once snuck into Philip Schofield’s bedroom after he left the window open on a balmy summer’s evening.  His favourite bedroom position was to sit naked in the corner, rocking backwards and forwards with a box of cornflakes on his head.  He seemed to be masturbating to the ingredients list.  Either way, I didn’t stay long enough to see the conclusion of that one.  Is that what you’re asking?

Brian Herbie-White – Rash Spreader

Dear Ollie,

So I slept with this chick and now I’m like all itchy and stuff.  I don’t wanna go to the doctor ‘cause I’ve been stealing morphine from them, and you never return to the scene of the crime, ya know?  Anyway, how can I tell if I’ve caught something from this girl?

Dear Brian,

Don’t talk to me about infections.  My foot is so gammy that it tends to squelch when I walk.  My mate Dennis Coops reckons that there’s something living in there, but I don’t even want to look at it.  I’ve considered going to the hospital and pecking open the lock on the medical waste bins, but I don’t really know what I’m looking for.  Since you’re a human and can read the labels, perhaps you might have better luck.  Let me know if you find anything for septic feet.

Alison Packard – Communist Party Planner

Dear Ollie,

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  My husband suffers from erectile dysfunction, and I just don’t have the time to wait around for him to stand to attention.  He won’t take Viagra as he wants to stand on his own, so to speak.  What can I do?

Dear Alison,

I knew a badger named Fred Best who had this problem.  We told him that the only way to fix his cock was to roll around in cow shit whilst crying like a baby.  He did it as well, the dozy prick.  Don’t feel too bad for him though, he used to think it was hilarious to frighten old ladies off their front porches and then try to rape them.  As for your problem, I don’t think I can help you.  I’m a pigeon for fuck’s sake!

Marissa Duracell – Camera Photographer

Dear Ollie,

Looks like I’ve ended up single again.  What masturbatory aids can you recommend so I can pleasure myself?



Dear Marissa,

Nothing in life gives me more pleasure than my shiny bottle cap collection.  I used to have around six of the little bleeders until Brutal Charlie stole some from me, and now I’m down to two.  They are quite literally the most precious things I have in my possession.  Seriously, you should get some!

Thanks Ollie, you’ve done sterling work today.  If you’re interested in following my side project Ollie on Twitter, follow him @Olliethepigeon.  Thanks for reading.

Congratulations On Seducing My Ex

Hey Brad,

Just thought I’d send you a quick email to let you know how pleased I am that you’ve started dating my ex girlfriend. 

I’m so happy that my best friend has moved in with the love of my life, just two weeks after we split up.  She could have met someone much worse, like Crackhead Larry down the street, or that German man across the way who I’m sure loves to eat people's ears.  Instead, she’s found comfort in dear, dependable Brad.  Did you need someone to split the rent with since you lost your job at Poundland?  No, no, I’m sure this is all about love.  Eternal, everlasting love.

To show you how totally and utterly fine I am about the situation, I thought I’d give you some hot tips on how to make your relationship work.  Remember, I was with Michelle for 5 years, so I’ve learned a lot about her, what makes her tick, and what she hates.  I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did and wind up crying into your cereal every day, playing “our song” over and over on the radio, or making an effigy of your love rival and burning it in the back garden while chanting ancient voodoo spells. 

I’m totally over that now, honestly.  To show there are no hard feelings, have a look at this list of ways in which to woo the lovely Michelle.

1)     If there’s one thing Michelle hates, its sex.  Well, not sex as a whole, but she hates conventional sex.  There are only three things guaranteed to get her in the mood.

A)   She doesn’t have normal erogenous zones.  Kissing her neck or touching her...you know, won’t work.  Instead, you have to lick her armpits.  It’s best to do this when she’s asleep, so she wakes up to a nice surprise.  Do this, and she’ll be riding you like an Indian on the roof of a speeding train.

B)   She enjoys being tickled to the point where she pees herself.  Again, it’s best to do this when she’s asleep, but under no circumstances must you stop, even if she threatens to slice your nipples off between bouts of laughter.

C)   She really likes role play.  The best thing to do is buy an Advanced Dungeons & Dragons box set, make her be a Halfling, and slay her in the first five minutes with a dragon.  She’ll be so impressed that she’ll have you any which way.

What women want

2)    Invite her mother over for tea at least every other day.  Michelle gets on great with her mum, and you will too!  You’ll instantly be volunteered for the next 10 years worth of church fetes, and you’ll certainly enjoy the overwrought stories about how Auntie Betty didn’t leave any money in her will to anyone.  You’ll also be scrutinised over every aspect of your personality and how much money you’re spending on the relationship.  Sounds like heaven, huh?

3)    Michelle is a pet person.  There isn’t a single pet in the world that she doesn’t like, so your best bet is to fill her life with as many animals as possible.  Turn her sock drawer into a tarantula breeding ground.  Dig a viper’s nest in the back garden.  Send her a bouquet of lizards at work.

4)    Don’t be a sissy. Michelle likes her men to be manly men, and that includes all the disgusting territory associated with men.  If you pee on the toilet seat (delivering a generous sprinkle to behind the cistern), that’s a good way to make your mark.    Sit around in your pants for most of the day, drinking beer and scratching.  Bathe once a week, allowing your manly aroma to slowly permeate its way through the household.

5)    Michelle is a very down to earth person.  She likes eating out, but doesn’t enjoy all the pomp and circumstance associated with fine dining.  Chablis and lobster puree don’t do anything for her at all, so don’t take her to a dimly lit romantic hotspot.  Take her to Hooters.  The free-flowing beer and ample ladies will make her appreciate how lucky she is to have you, when you could have one of those rollerskating babes instead.  It will, under no circumstances, destroy her self esteem and poison your relationship, I guarantee it.

6)    Hack her email account and check her Facebook messages on a daily basis.  Make hints that you know who she’s been talking to online, and send abusive messages to any rival suitors.  This proves to her that you care, and also makes you look super cool when you threaten to pulverise her old school friends.

7)    If there’s one thing she loves, it’s a guy with a sense of humour.  Show off this light-hearted side of your personality whenever you’re out in public.  As she’s talking to someone, slide over next to her, grab her breasts, and make comedy honking noises.  If you go to a fancy dress party, go as a minstrel.  Proclaim loudly how ironic your costume is, because that’s what someone with no sense of humour and poor taste would go as.

Catnip!  Catnip!

8)    Michelle doesn’t have any hobbies or interests whatsoever.  If she declares a love of art and wants to go to an art class every Wednesday evening, this is a test.  Lock the doors and windows, and hide the car keys.  Art class is code for “I’m going to shag your best friend behind your back” (that’s how you two got together in the first place).

9)    If you want to cook her a meal for her birthday next Tuesday (you knew that already, didn’t you?), then you can’t go far wrong with Pig’s Bladder Pie.  This is Michelle’s favourite dish.  When you make it, you need to make sure the bladder is fresh and full of nutrients.  You can do this by buying a micro pig for her birthday, then slaughtering it brutally in the kitchen later that day.  Take pictures of the event, and make them into a scrapbook for an extra present.

10) To prove your commitment to her, you need to hand over a piece of your soul to her.  Failing that, you can always give her a body part.  Perhaps one of your toes that you don’t need, or your left testicle (the one that does the least work.  The lazy bollock).  This shows dedication.  Women love it when men mutilate themselves for love, especially when they don’t take appropriate medical precautions.

Please keep in touch and let me know how all of this works out for you.  If things go well, perhaps we could do some double dating sometime.  Oh that’s right, I forgot to tell you about my new girlfriend, Sandra.  She’s blonde, 21, and was made in Taiwan, I mean she flew over from Taiwan.  Anyway keep in touch!

Addman

--- I have submitted this to the Dude Write Starting Lineup .  Please visit for other cool blogs, and testosterone-

fuelled fun.

I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Humor Blogs.

Chat Up Lines

So, how was Valentine’s Day for you? No doubt you screwed up your relationships beyond repair by baking your other half a pie made from your own hair, or something equally creepy. I told you not to make hair pie again! Nobody likes it!

Anyway, now that you’re a certified bachelor/bachelorette, you’re going to need to get back in the game again. No one wants to be left on the scrapheap. As the dating game can be like a warzone, you need to make sure that you’re combat ready, armed with an arsenal of chat up lines that would make Johnny Bravo look like an amateur.

Please find below a list of the world's most irresistable chat up lines.  These are guaranteed to work, and they have all been tested on animals to ensure their quality. Ladies, feel free to use these too. Men are notoriously shallow and stupid so you probably don’t need them, but it always helps to be prepared:

Here's a vague image of a heart, which illustrates my point succinctly

• You must be a parking ticket, because you’re expensive and often found spread over the front of cars.

• Did it hurt? When they threw you out of heaven for being drunk and disorderly.

• You must be tired because you’ve been running from the police all day.

• I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed into a rocking chair. As a carpenter, I can do these things.

• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would be dyslexic.

• If I said you had a beautiful body, would you even believe me?

• That’s a nice dress/shirt. It’d look great in my bedroom wardrobe.

• What brings a guy/girl like you to a penis/vagina like mine?

• Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend [No] Want one? [Yes] Then try Match.com. They have thousands of suitable matches just waiting for you.

• Do you have a map? Because I have a very poor sense of direction and I can’t afford a GPS.

• What’s your sign? Mine is “Danger. Keep Out”

• You must be a thief, because you stole my heart and sold it on the black market to an illegal organ dealer.

• Your eyes are amazing. On the Dulux colour chart they would be “Muddy Skink”.

I think that’s enough for now.  If I were to write down any more, the overwhelming concentration of sexual energy would actually kill Peter Stringfellow.  For the sake of his life I implore you, go out there and get laid, pronto!  Either that, or you can contribute your own chat up lines in the comments box below.