That’s why I’ve decided to step in. You’ve messed things up and that’s too bad, but I’m here to limit the damage and potentially reunite you with your significant other. If you follow my advice, you are guaranteed to kick-start your relationship again, regardless of the heinous relationship blunders you have already committed. They don’t call me Doctor Love simply because I changed my surname to “Love” and created a fake diploma. Here’s what you need to do:
1) Get blind drunk and leave a voicemail. Because nothing in this world is more charming than a slurred, slightly aggressive declaration of love. The token of your affection will find it adorable that you’ve physically and mentally crumbled since you broke up with them. It’s that kind of dependence that makes them feel wanted.
2) Send them a Sext. Preferably with a naked photo attached to let them know exactly what they’re missing. You might need to be drunk again to summon up the courage to do this. And as we all know, when you’re drunk, you absolutely need a kebab or a pizza. Don’t be ashamed to photograph yourself naked covered in donner meat, or with suggestively placed pepperoni on your nipples. Better yet, perhaps you could order a pitta bread the size of a duvet, wrap yourself in it and declare yourself to be a “Love Kebab”. This will make your lover hungry for more!
3) If they still haven’t succumbed to your inebriated charms, you need to make them jealous. Hire yourself a prostitute/escort and walk backwards and forwards past their house, laughing and joking loudly with each pass. If you really want to play hardball, have sex in your ex’s garden.
4) Aggressively defend your territory. If you see your ex out on a date with someone else, you have a legal obligation to punch them square in the face. You need to fight for your mating rights. You should also stand guard at the end of their street and warn away any potential rivals. Pee on a nearby post box to prove your dominance.
5) You need to start making yourself more appealing to the opposite sex. It’s time you started working out, shaved those hideous sideburns, squeezed into that size 8 dress, bronzed your pectorals, or sliced off those wobbly bits with a breadknife and no anaesthetic whilst screaming “I WILL BE PRETTY!”. Just select the ones which apply to you. If you think that all of these apply to you, you are one scary bastard. I heartily encourage you to spend the rest of your days living as a hermit in a bell tower.
6) What’s your name? Boris Bland? Mavis Dust? Shelly Bulpasly? That’s a horrible name. You need to get that shit changed, and fast. Go down to your local registry office and get yourself a super sweet moniker like Connor Sexbuttocks or Sultry Bangabout. With the sheer sexiness of such names, you’re guaranteed to have your ex back, tongue wagging, ready for that sweet relief that only you can provide.
7) If all the above fails, there is one last resort. You should get over your ex. That’ll teach ‘em!
So, now that we’ve learned how to bring exy back, it’s time to get out there and put it to practice. I’ve tried these on Meryl and I can safely say...oh god Meryl, why? WHY?! WE WERE SO GOOD TOGETHER!