Friday, 14 December 2012

Your Feedback Is Important


Thank you for contacting our customer services enquiries desk recently.  We hope that we were able to resolve your issue with minimum fuss.  Our telephone advisors are available 7 days a week to assist with your enquiries.  To find out how well we did, we would appreciate it if you took five minutes out of your busy schedule to fill in our questionnaire.

Q1.  What was the nature of your issue?

My mouse wouldn’t move.

Q2.  Were you able to get through to our telephone advisors with minimum fuss?

It took about 11 seconds too long!  I needed to move my mouse desperately.

Q3.  Were you put on hold at any point during the conversation?

Yes, once.  And the DJ who plays hold music songs wouldn’t accept my song requests.  I wanted him to stop playing that Greensleeves shit and put on a soothing bit of Rammstein.

Q4.  Was our advisor friendly and approachable during your call?

Yes, for the first minute.  The customer service levels dropped considerably after I asked what she was wearing.

Q5.  Was our advisor able to resolve your customer service inquiry?

Yes, but she had me checked all sorts of cables to make sure that my mouse was plugged in, like some kind of damned moron.  I know how to plug in a frickin’ mouse!  It’s not hard, you just jam it into every hole until you find one that fits!

Q6.  What was the resolution to your issue?

It turns out that I have to move the mouse, with my hand!  This being 2012 I thought we’d have mice that would move themselves.  Voice activated mice or some shit.

Q7.  At any point during the conversation did you find our advisor unfriendly?

Yes.  When I told her about the buttless leather chaps I was wearing, she didn’t acknowledge it.  I think that it’s common courtesy in the service industry to validate the customer’s fashion choices.

Q8.  At any point during the conversation did you find our advisor rude or abrupt?

Several times.  Especially when she said “Sir, I don’t wish to discuss your genitalia”.

Q9.  Were you passed through to any other departments during your call?

Yes.  I was transferred to a manager who told me to stop “harassing” his staff.  Sure, I might have Googled her, found her address, and described to her the cat in her window that I saw on Google Street View, but that would only be harassment if I meant it in a bad way.

Q10.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your experience?

I prefer to use my own scale, if you don’t mind.  I would rate it “Flaccid”

Q11.  Would you consider calling us again with your queries?

That depends on if you get some advisors with more sultry voices.  When my computer is down, I expect some kind of compensation for the loss of Internet porn I am experiencing.

Q12.  Would you consider signing up to a paid service where your queries can be answered faster and more efficiently?

A members only area?  Sure!  Will there be webcams?


Thank you for your time.  We pride ourselves on being one of the World’s leading customer-centric corporations.  Is there anything else you’d like to add in order to improve our customer service?

Yes.  All advisors should give you their name and bra size upon answering the phone.  You should be able to choose whether you are connected to a blonde or a brunette (no gingers).  Also, what’s with having MEN answer the phone?  That’s just sick!


24 comments:

  1. So THAT'S what happens when you agree to take the survey. Haven't been moved to actually agree to take one yet. If I were put on hold and the hold music was Rammstein, that company just made a customer for life. I'm not a fan of Rammstein, but that kind of avante guarde thinking deserves customer loyalty. I also like your scale, I presume it ranges from "Retracted Turtle" at the low end to "After the Fourth Hour Still at Full Mast Viagra Overdose". Just a guess.

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    1. It goes all the way up to Strained Giraffe Neck.

      Delete
  2. I don't like surveys and avoid them at all costs. But if I were to ever participate in one I imagine it would look a lot like this.

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    1. Well now you have an excuse to fill them in.

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  3. Hello, and thank you for calling Compuvisors. My name is Barry. My breasts comfortably fit a C-cup; though, I'm not partial to wearing bras. However, my banana hammock is full to burst, and my hair would be brownish-grey if I were to have any. How may I tickle your fancy today?

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  4. From this day forth I swear to answer every survey in this manner. For it is written, so shall it be.

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  5. I hope my next survey is that entertaining. I'm always stuck with page after page of "No we will not be selling your personal information, this is purely scientific". Maybe I want them to sell my personal information.

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    Replies
    1. As long as I get the profits, they can sell outrageous lies about me for all I care.

      Delete
  6. God damn that's some impressive feedback. I'm kinda surprised she wouldn't tell you what she was wearing, you could have said you were curious because you were thinking about working for a call centre and wanted to know what the uniform was like.

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    Replies
    1. Wish I'd thought of that before the courts made me sign a special register.

      Delete
  7. Hilarious! You make customer service entertaining! Your reviews definitely could make a good reality tv show!

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    1. Yes, 24 hour live coverage of me meandering aimlessly around my house in search of basic nutrition, then settling down in my pit to try and impress people on the Internet.

      Delete
  8. I don't always wear chaps, but when I do, I prefer assless. Funny stuff Addman.

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    1. Are there any other kind of chaps?

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  9. Hello Addman I was just about to write my daily diary when I saw you had been putting pen to paper so to speak (well OK no pen or paper and if you were speaking it was I suspect about other things). So I thought have a little read (as You do, well I did) and make a comment (which I am). Very witty indeed I always am so worn out by the time a nice polite message saying Please fill in our feedback questionnaire, that I click sorry no I have had enough sod off. As this appears to have been a technical help desk I did wonder if you were dealing with an Indian call centre but I noticed she said “Sir, I don’t wish to discuss your genitalia” which made me realize it must have been one of the Scottish call centres as it showed a degree of understanding of what you were talking about. Although many of the operatives of Indian call centres are very friendly and will always try and help, sadly a lot of the time they don't understand a word of what we are talking about. Last time I said "Cor blimey mate the hard drive is well rat arsed" I was met with bewilderment and confusion, a Scottish call centre would respond with "give it sum Welly".

    It would also explain the use of men; after all many a head has been turned by a Scotsman in a kilt, and we all know what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt (I know, I am from Scotland).... And we are not talking mouse.....

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    1. I find it interesting that the word "genitalia" you associate with the Scottish. Perhaps that's why the word "Bawbag" is so popular there.

      Just what do you keep up that kilt?

      Delete
  10. You mean there's a good way to sexually harass someone??
    And I think that Anonymous speaks for us all, when he/she/they/it says "I am now not sure the place you're getting your information..." Only the Addman knows the inner workings of his mind Anon, only the Addman.

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    Replies
    1. I like that, "the Addman" sounds like a superhero.

      Addman, addman, does whatever an Addman can.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.