Thank you for contacting our customer services enquiries desk recently. We hope that we were able to resolve your issue with minimum fuss. Our telephone advisors are available 7 days a week to assist with your enquiries. To find out how well we did, we would appreciate it if you took five minutes out of your busy schedule to fill in our questionnaire.
Q1. What was the nature of your issue?
My mouse wouldn’t move.
Q2. Were you able to get through to our telephone advisors with minimum fuss?
It took about 11 seconds too long! I needed to move my mouse desperately.
Q3. Were you put on hold at any point during the conversation?
Yes, once. And the DJ who plays hold music songs wouldn’t accept my song requests. I wanted him to stop playing that Greensleeves shit and put on a soothing bit of Rammstein.
Q4. Was our advisor friendly and approachable during your call?
Yes, for the first minute. The customer service levels dropped considerably after I asked what she was wearing.
Q5. Was our advisor able to resolve your customer service inquiry?
Yes, but she had me checked all sorts of cables to make sure that my mouse was plugged in, like some kind of damned moron. I know how to plug in a frickin’ mouse! It’s not hard, you just jam it into every hole until you find one that fits!
Q6. What was the resolution to your issue?
It turns out that I have to move the mouse, with my hand! This being 2012 I thought we’d have mice that would move themselves. Voice activated mice or some shit.
Q7. At any point during the conversation did you find our advisor unfriendly?
Yes. When I told her about the buttless leather chaps I was wearing, she didn’t acknowledge it. I think that it’s common courtesy in the service industry to validate the customer’s fashion choices.
Q8. At any point during the conversation did you find our advisor rude or abrupt?
Several times. Especially when she said “Sir, I don’t wish to discuss your genitalia”.
Q9. Were you passed through to any other departments during your call?
Yes. I was transferred to a manager who told me to stop “harassing” his staff. Sure, I might have Googled her, found her address, and described to her the cat in her window that I saw on Google Street View, but that would only be harassment if I meant it in a bad way.
Q10. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your experience?
I prefer to use my own scale, if you don’t mind. I would rate it “Flaccid”
Q11. Would you consider calling us again with your queries?
That depends on if you get some advisors with more sultry voices. When my computer is down, I expect some kind of compensation for the loss of Internet porn I am experiencing.
Q12. Would you consider signing up to a paid service where your queries can be answered faster and more efficiently?
A members only area? Sure! Will there be webcams?
Thank you for your time. We pride ourselves on being one of the World’s leading customer-centric corporations. Is there anything else you’d like to add in order to improve our customer service?
Yes. All advisors should give you their name and bra size upon answering the phone. You should be able to choose whether you are connected to a blonde or a brunette (no gingers). Also, what’s with having MEN answer the phone? That’s just sick!