Monday, 24 December 2012

Whatever Happened To The Friday Post?


For those of you who read Muppets For Justice regularly, you may have been dismayed to see that I missed my usual schedule and failed to post anything last Friday. For the first time in the 1.5 years of a serious posting regimen, I failed to stick to a deadline.

Before you boycott me over this heinous crime, allow me to explain. That's right, I have an airtight excuse for my unexplained absence.

As you're no doubt aware, last Friday was the 21st. Apocalypse day, as I prefer to call it.

This is going to put a real crimp on my day


You should have heard about this event already. Every Blogger out there posted up about how the apocalypse failed to materialise, like a happy ending at my local elderly massage parlour. Well, I don't know where everyone else was looking, but the apocalypse occurred in full force round my end. It would seem that the Mayans were not predicting the end of the ENTIRE world, just a small part of it of localised entirely around rural Derbyshire.

On Thursday I began suspecting the worst after reading about the end of days in respectable publications such as The Daily Mail and the apocalypse industry's official magazine, Armageddon Monthly. I stocked up on corned beef tins (because that shit lasts longer than Godzilla's first dump of the day) and a few shotgun shells, then boarded myself in the attic.

As time ticked slowly onward towards the demise of planet Earth, I began to suspect that I was overreacting. I mean, there was no scientific proof that the world would end. No unusual seismic activity, no meteor on a collision course, and no viral outbreaks. In fact, one would say that everything was completely normal. That was until the laser-skeletons showed up.

They phased their way through my boarded up doors and shot at me with their heat-vision. I ducked out of the way, cocked my gun and let loose with both barrels. The bullets sailed straight through them as they have no corporeal form, suggesting to me that they might be German in origin.

One of the laser-skeletons passed his neon-tetra palm through my dog, causing him to spontaneously combust in a furry inferno. As the smell of charred Pedigree Chum reached my nostrils, that was when I decided that I'd had enough.

Touching one of them would mean instant death by flamey, and they couldn't be hurt by objects from the physical realm. So, how do you kill a laser-skeleton? Remembering many movies and TV shows from my childhood, I picked up a bin lid and threw it like a frisbee.

I won't explain the science as it's far too complicated for your puny minds to comprehend, but basically a shiny bin lid can reflect a laser, causing the laser-skeleton to fall apart like a damp cake. I spent the rest of the day throwing bin lids at laser-skeletons until I saved the whole town, was given the key to existence by Buddha himself (sorry Christians) and all the women in the town lined up to fellate me. After such a hectic day I decided that I'd just call it a night, after feeding my Pegasus on some sun rays and faerie dandruff.

So yeah, that was my apocalypse. I don't want to hear about your banal, uneventful apocalypses because you don't know what really happened. You weren't there man, you weren't there.

Pew pew pew

If anyone was upset by Friday's absence then I can only offer you my sincerest apologies.  Unfortunately, I have one more teensy nugget of bad news for you all.  Muppets For Justice will be closed for the festive season.  This highly unspectacular post is the most you're going to hear from me until 2013.  I promise I will do better next year, I'll make a resolution or something.  Until then, enjoy your binge eating and I'll see you in the future.

18 comments:

  1. Good thing that apocalypse only hit you locally. I would have been screwed. All our tin garbage pales have been replaced by brown, plastic, wheelie things. I would have been defenseless against the lazor skeletons. My apocalypse, though, was much easier to handle. Alpacas descended from the heavens and began shooting luke-warm yogurt at people. They were fairly easy to fend off.

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    1. Fairly delicious/fun to ride too.

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  2. Well have a happy Christmas break. Or holiday break, or just whatever it is you're doing. I didn't notice any skeletons in Derbyshire so you must have had a really localised apocalypse.

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    1. You're from Derbyshire? Where abouts?

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  3. Oh, you don't have to explain to me that you can use a garbage lid to deflect skeleton lasers. That's just common sense. Like in that Jason Statham movie The Transporter where he deflected a missile with a metal lunch tray. That's just plain physics.

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  4. I think someone may have just slipped some acid in your coffee that day. Sounded like an adventure nonetheless, enjoy your break!

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  5. Well Addman Yep we are wheely bin folk here, if those laser skeletons have landed anywhere else in the country we were all goners. I will write to the local council and request they re-install our old traditional tin bins again just in case.

    personally I would have come to help but I was distracted by huge cheese slices and Space Gulls they were huge it is a wonder you didn't see them oner Shropshire. I reckon Mr H must be almost half way between us, if true us RATs have formed a Lay-line

    Enjoy Christmas and all the very best see you in 2013 . . . . . Give em Hell

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  6. So you spent the whole day chucking bin lids at anorexics, whilst all the women in the town lined up to fellate you? Sounds like a regular Friday night out in Derbyshire to me.

    Have a great Christmas Addman and I'll see you in 2013. :)

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  7. What is this? the 1990's or sumfink? Bin lids! BIN? LIDS? is plastic hinged multi coloured don't put milk bottle tops inside or else the council will bum you in the face and the only get collected every two weeks and you had better put it out on the right day, not too early or the council will kill your dog and if the lid is not closed properly you can bloody well empty it yourself style bins.
    Get with the program dude.
    I expect better than this in 2013... what am I paying £13.95 per month for????

    PS- merry xmas or whatever.

    PPS - Everyone knows that laser skelingtons are stop animated and can be easily defeated by moving at more than 24 frames per second (the clues are in the new hobbit film). SHEESH! hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.

    word!

    PPPS- Don't forget to put your bins out.

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  8. Merry Christmas-idays! Good job on the apocalypse aversion and all!

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  9. Glad you survived the laser skeletons. Most of the rest of us wouldn't stand a chance as we are using those plastic bins on wheels.

    It's 2013, you can come out of hiding now! Happy new year!

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  10. Also glad you survived the laser skeletons (also, thanks for the frisbee tip). I myself was working during the apocalypse and was a little disappointed that the world did not end, because that would mean I would continue to be working. I'm not saying the world should end indefinitely, just conveniently, whenever I am working. As an added plus, I'm pretty sure you get on the job hazard pay for apocalyptic events.

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  11. Boo! Worse apocalypse ever! Almost everyone lived.

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  12. Whatever happened to the Monday Post. And the Friday Post. And the Monday Post. And the Friday Post?

    *repeat until posted*

    PS. was your apocalypse delayed and actually when you wrote this post the end was nigh?
    PPS. If you see this comment, clearly not.

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  13. Well what can I say .. . . . . .I hope you are OK . . . I see the vultures in the form of the Anon Zombies have descended upon your blog, this is a bad sign these anons are evil and seem to be spreading through blogs like a hot knife through butter. I tested that and its right.

    Just to say you are not forgotten and I hope to see you back soon. Its a strange world that of the internet with folk coming and going . . . . .

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  14. Hello Anon I just wish to say to you that you lot are ruining peoples blogs and a time will come when no one will accept anon comments. I am not sure what you gain from this game but when Addman returns he will not be happy.

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  15. Ooooooo the anons are gone . . . . . .Are you there Addman one knock for No and two for Yes. . . . ..

    Take care hope to see you soon.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I'm back! From beyond the grave! WoooOOOoooOOO!

      No I'm not dead. The Grave is a Goth nightclub near where I live, and they have free Wi Fi.

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