Ewan McGregor Is A Big Bag Of Wank

I hate Ewan McGregor.

I was startled when I came to this conclusion. Considering how many other dire actors exist such as Keanu Reeves and Clive Owen , you'd think that Ewan McGregor's continued existence would pale in comparison to those two tragedies of the silver screen. You'd think the likes of Nicholas Cage would be more deserving of my ire considering that he is stiffer than a group of lumberjacks watching beaver porn, yet Ewan has a special something that sets him apart from his contemporaries of wankery.

This ill feeling may be triggered by Ewan's woeful back history. Take Trainspotting for example, the film that arguably launched his career quicker than Usain Bolt on laxatives. His stratospheric rise to glory after starring in this film was only marred by the fact that Trainspotting is crap. Unless you're inexplicably intrigued by sweaty people coming down off of drugs and shooting dogs up the arse, I wouldn't recommend Trainspotting as that pretty much sums up the highlights. Oh, and a baby dies, but I guess that's symbolic or some rubbish.

Big Fish is actually his finest moment. Not because of his performance or anything, but because he had the good fortune to end up in the cast of a decent movie. The film would have been equally as good if a slide whistle noise was played over the top of his dialogue, and they had photoshopped Busta Rhymes' face over the top of his for no apparent reason.

Then of course there's Miss Potter in which Ewan, a broad Scot, bounces a poor English accent off of an even worse English accent produced by Rent-A-Brit Reneé Zellweger. Never before has such a detestable duo appeared on our screens, and they will probably never be beaten unless Edwina Currie and Joan Collins perform a lesbian romp on Babestation whilst Christine Hamilton shouts encouragement from the sidelines. If the script could have overcome it's many problems (being centred around a character that writes a book with little contention or problems except the odd raising of an eyebrow from a disapproving mother), it would still have been utterly unwatchable due to it's hammy performances. It's a given that Miss Potter is bad beyond belief.

If this wasn't enough, he turned up in the film adaptation of Angels and Demons in which they decided to change the nationality of one of the main characters so that Ewan could practise his Irish accent. Yes, the Camerlengo was changed from Italian to Irish just so they could shoehorn McGregor in for some reason. Not that the source material was all that exceptional, but Ewan manages to lower the bar yet again.

Other lows include The Island, a film so bad that lobotomy rates rose 25% on its opening weekend, and Black Hawk Down which...had a helicopter in it I think. Of course, his absolute worst moment is his portrayal of Obi Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars prequels, but most actors would fall at this stage trying to follow in the footsteps of Alec Guinness. However, an actor who is more decorated than Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's Christmas tree such as Ewan should have been up to the challenge.

Although his film career contains more low points than a submarine captained entirely by hedgehogs, his worst traits are those displayed outside of his movies. A distinct inability to take himself less than super-seriously is infuriating. I've heard people say that he's a nice guy, but the interviews I've seen him in seem to suggest otherwise. The only aspect of him that's larger than his ego is his disfiguring mole.

All in all, I guess Ewan simply provides an adequate anger outlet for me. He's the physical embodiment of everything I dislike about the film industry (which is the one industry I don't usually have a problem with). He's the Kasabian of Hollywood. The only time I'd enjoy a film with him in it would be a movie called "Let's flick McGregor in the face with a rubber glove", which consisted of 90 minutes of just that.

P.S. It's come to my attention that Stephen Gately is dead. R.I.P Stephen, our thoughts go out to your family. Also, Louis Walsh is said to be "Flaccid" over the incident, for the first time since Westlife stood up off of a stool during a key change.