Friday, 30 October 2009

Pointers On Last Night's Orgy

Hi everyone, just thought I'd send you a quick note about yesterday's orgy.

First of all, I'm pleased to say that the orgy was mostly a success. Thanks to John and Sarah for offering up their venue for us and providing such excellent facilities. The jacuzzi was a brilliant addition to the evening's proceedings. Also, thanks go out to Joan for the wonderful spread she put on, on the table AND off, hahaha! But seriously, the chicken goujons were to die for.

Despite a mostly enjoyable evening on most accounts, there are always one or two bad apples who manage to put a downer on the orgy. I don't know if you guys knew you were being rude or obnoxious, or if you're just not used to orgy etiquette. I have put together a few points to help us have a more constructive orgy next time.

  • Always wash your hands while at the orgy. We all eat from the same buffet you know! It made me feel queasy just thinking about the amount on unwashed palms that were padding down the bread tray. I saw one guy plunge straight into the pistachios, and after seeing where his hands had just been, it simply turned my stomach. People, if you don't want to wash your hands for whatever reason, you should bring your own packed lunch. It's only polite to make sure that you don't contaminate the food.
  • Make sure to bring your own bottled water to the orgy. I turned up with a couple of bottles of Evian, and I must have been asked by five different people during the course of the evening if they could have a sip. I understand that you're feeling dehydrated, after all, you are expelling a lot of fluid and there is often a large amount of cardiovascular exercise to be had at an orgy, and that's why I always come prepared. Please bear this in mind for next time.
  • Do not bring pets to the orgy. I don't know who the dog belonged to, but it's really off putting when a german shepherd refuses to break eye contact with you whilst you're fumbling around trying to support a lady in the wheelbarrow position. Also, some people such as myself have terrible allergies and the dog's presence caused me to sneeze all over Molly's back.
  • In a similar vein, do not bring toddlers to the orgy. I simply cannot stress this point enough. An orgy is not place for a child, so if you cannot find a babysitter, I suggest that you miss out on the orgy.
  • Whoever thought it was a great idea to flick the lights on and off seriously needs to grow up. You may enjoy watching an orgy like some kind of flickering movie reel, but for us professionals who have attended many orgies in the past, it's embarrassing when the lights go off and you accidentally slip into the wrong hole. Luckily I managed to move away quickly enough for her not to know it was me, but this kind of behaviour means that you shouldn't be allowed to attend the orgy in future. Orgies are not the kind of places to screw around at.
  • I noticed a lot of onlookers at the orgy last night. If you're a beginner then welcome to the orgy, but it is rather rude not to join in when such wonderful facilities have been provided for you. In fact, I think we need to have a rule in future that if it's your first night at the orgy, you should join in at least once.
  • Can girls at the orgy not pair up with each other exclusively? Ladies are in short supply at most of the orgies I've been to, so if you're going to attend, please make sure that you give something back to the community, otherwise we just get a whole bunch of guys stood around looking bored and making small talk.
  • Speaking of small talk, it is ok to have a casual conversation while performing at an orgy. A few people I came across almost blanked me when I tried to talk to them about the X Factor finals. Hello! It's not like you can ignore me when I've got my doohickey right in your wotsit!
  • If you don't like the soundtrack I've chosen for the orgy, you should bring your own iPod or something rather than complaining. I supplied the music for the whole night and all I heard were people talking about how "lame" it was. Well I'm sorry if you don't enjoy timeless classics such as The Monster Mash and Tiger Feet. I thought that at some of you would have laughed when the music changed to James Brown's Sex Machine, but most people just rolled their eyes like humourless nitwits. Get yourselves a sense of humour.
Anyway, I've gone on for much too long now. I didn't mean to come across like a grumpy old man but I just feel very strongly about my orgies and believe that we can make them much more enjoyable with a little consideration for each other. Hope to see you all again soon, except for the guy who bought that fucking dog.

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