M - Movie Critic

Growing up in the information age means that we have a god-given right to bellow our opinions into the void that is the Internet, and that’s exactly why Muppets For Justice exists.  When a few billion other people are doing the exact same thing, it becomes almost impossible to make yourself heard, like farting at a foghorn convention.  Why would you read these words when someone else out there is writing them in a much superior way?  Wait!  Come back!  Keep reading, I swear I can do better!

Or perhaps brevity is the way forward.  In the past I have tried doing one-sentence movie reviews to try and keep people engaged for shorter periods.  Nobody paid me to do it back then, but I’ll keep trying in the vain hope that someone sees this and wants to give me a few million.  Regardless, here are some movie reviews shortened to one whole sentence.  These aren’t necessarily recent; they are just films that I have watched within the last year:

Gravity – Nice effects, but sprinkled with pointless and unnecessary symbolism, and pointless and unnecessary Sandra Bullock.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. just got retconned!

Frozen – Camper than Guantanamo Gay, so kids will love it.

Iron Man 3 – Swearing at kids is so fucking cool!

The Host – The most wooden thing put to celluloid since the corporate film “What Woody’s Woodshavings Would Do For You”.

Oz: The Great And Powerful – Colourful but bland, like drawing a unicorn on a piece of sandpaper.

Paranormal Activity 4 – 90 minutes of ghosts playing Xbox Kinect.

Despicable Me 2 – Everybody loves minions.

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty – I haven’t seen the full film, but the 15 minute trailers were essentially as bad as watching the whole thing.

One Sentence Movie Reviews

As someone who has viewed screens that have movies on them for, sometimes up to two hours in one sitting, it's quite surprising that more people haven't asked me for my opinions on films. Well, since I am an opinionated person with a Blog, I will inflict those opinions upon my readers.

However, we are all very busy people with far too little time on our hands. That's why I am going to keep my reviews short and limit them to one sentence maximum.

So anyway, here's a rundown of films I have seen this year, in one sentence or less:

Do they even use projectors anymore?

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Quite simply the funniest thing put to celluloid for years, and that's not a joke because I can't think of anything funnier than what's in this film.

The World's End

Not quite the funniest thing put to celluloid, but it has robots filled with blue stuff in it.

The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug

Fucking Legolas wasn't in the book, so the fact that he keeps fucking swanning around and saving every fucking fucker, is just a shrivelled rabbit turd on top of a delicious sundae.

Thor: The Dark World

Chris Hemsworth battles generic aliens again in the background while everyone pays attention to Tom Hiddleston.

Man Of Steel

They must have paid Russell Crowe a substantial amount, because the amount of times he comes back despite being dead suggests that the producers wanted their money's worth.

The Lone Ranger

Jack Sparrow vs Cowboys

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Benedict Cumberbatch cries, then rips people in two with his bare hands.

The Great Gatsby

Tobey Macguire earns his keep as a man who looks at everything with amazement and wonder.

Tobey, what wonder do your elf eyes see?

Captain Philips

Tom Hanks turns skinny in this fascinating hostage situation, but a Stockholme Syndrome-styled romantic plot wouldn't have gone amiss.

Saving Mr Banks

Tom Hanks looks a lot fatter in this.

---------------------------

For anyone who wants a bit more Muppets For Justice action, or anyone who wants to learn a little bit more about my upcoming book, please go and check out Rob Z Tobor's blog, specifically this post.  It's an interview about my upcoming ebook, which should hopefully prove humorous and insightful in equal measure.

Film Pitches

Those who read Muppets For Justice regularly will already know that I am a massive cinephile.  So much so that I have broken into several projector rooms, wrapped the film reel around my naked body, and started the projector.  I am still appealing a ban at Cineworld (if it was illegal surely they’d lock the door to the projector room, right?).

But anyway, since the advent of Netflix I have found myself watching many more films than usual.  Too many films.  So many films in fact, that my brain has been reprogrammed with movie logic.  For example, I don’t mind if the police destroy whole cities in shootouts and take countless lives as long as they catch the criminals.  I don’t question why the eagles don’t just fly everyone to Mordor in the first place.  I also know that, if I have a fight with Mrs Addman because I’ve been a colossal cock face, I just have to propose in a public place to resolve it.

Anyway, I think it is safe to assume that my movie enthusiasm is the perfect catalyst for great film ideas.  Somewhere in the recesses of my cranium exists a Hollywood Blockbuster worth eleventy-billion pounds.  Like throwing spaghetti at a wall, I’m going to throw some ideas out there and see if any stick.



Title: You Me Marley & Me and Dupree

Genre:  Dogmantic Buddy Comedy

Pitch:  Owen Wilson stars as Owen Wilson’s ill-mannered dog that comes to stay with newlyweds Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson.  Owen Wilson is initially annoyed at Owen Wilson chewing the sofa and disrupting his sexy times with Owen Wilson.  Eventually, Owen Wilson comes to care for Owen Wilson, who then dies of a twisted stomach.

With your donations we can give Owen Wilson the life-saving stomach surgery he needs.

Title:  Kramer vs Predator

Genre:  Action/Family

Pitch:  Dustin Hoffman has to save his son from a predatory alien (Meryl Streep) who is hunting them for sport.  The film culminates in Hoffman covering himself in mud while shouting “GET TO DA CHOPPAH!”



Title: The Dark Knight’s Tale

Genre:  Action/Comedy

Pitch:  Heath Ledger plays a medieval knight who has to kill The Joker (Heath Ledger) and save the kingdom.  Unfortunately, Heath Ledger as an actor dies before filming can be completed, so other actors are drafted in to complete the film.  This is explained in film through several face transplants which happen for inexplicable reasons.



Title: Beverley Hills Chupacabra

Genre:  Monster/Vapid

Pitch:  Dazzled by the glamour of Hollywood, a mythical, goat-killing beast tries to make it big on the silver screen.

 

Chupacabra:  Before The Bling

Title:  Whaling Boats

Genre:  Kids/Whaling boats

Pitch:  From Disney/Pixar comes a heart-warming tale in which a small fishing trawler (voiced by Steve Carrell) dreams of carrying dead whale carcasses on his back.  With the help of his Japanese friends, they eventually upgrade him to the point where he is able to drag a thrashing leviathan from the depths of the ocean, and slowly allow it bleed out for two hours, on screen, in front of an audience of captivated kids.  Children will marvel at the way Greenpeace ships are crushed in order to get at that succulent whale blubber.



That’s all the ideas that I have today.  However, I would love to hear what you, my dear readers, can come up with.  You guys have proven time and time again to be a resourceful and imaginative bunch, so hit me with your best movie pitches!

2014: A Retrospective

Greetings fellow space-travellers.  We hope that you are enjoying your shuttle to the Nebulon Cluster and will continue to use Slipspace Tours in the future.  Make sure to try the Neptunian Invertibrate Platter, it's delicious!  Anyway, your inflight entertainment today is a documentary about the year 2014.  Please enjoy.



2014.  The year of the peregrine falcon.  A time when people used wheels to travel rather than suction tubes, and people were still born into families.  This was a turbulent year for human existence, and one which shaped the present we know of today in 2114.

The year started off innocently enough when the human race finally created talking food.  This technological achievement lead to a culinary revolution across the globe.  Now, broccoli could inform the customer how long it takes to boil at which optimum temperature.  Beef could demand to be tenderised, shouting at the chef to “put your back into it!” and calling them a “sissy nancy boy”.  This lead to an increase in dinner parties around the world.  Many famous chefs released their own talking dishes, until one of Gordon Ramsey’s Lamb Shanks was accused of telling a child to “Grind my fucking meat, you little cunt!”

What the first talking food products may have looked like.

Despite this glorious start to the year, events quickly turned sour when the Apple corporation threatened to invade Ireland.  Inspired by Ireland’s progressive business tax regime, Apple decided to take ownership of the entire country in order to prevent their rivals from benefitting from the same tax rates.  Although the invasion was short lived, it was the swiftest and most brutal conflict in human history as Apple deployed their SmartTanks and their iICBMs, turning the whole country into an irradiated wasteland.  After an initial assault of only 8 hours, 93% of the population had been obliterated.  Apple ceased the invasion when it realised that there were few remaining natives to sell their products to.  This event instilled the Irish with a deep-seated fear of Jobs, a fear which continues to this day.

Other global conflicts arose when the KONY 2 campaign kicked off on Kickstarter, trying to raise enough money to buy a rocket, strap Kony to it, and blast it into the sun.  The campaign was so successful that many Kickstarter donators signed up their own children to fight against this global menace.  Anyone who donated their child got a free signed photograph of the organiser waving his genitals at passing traffic.  As a result, Kickstarter now owns the largest platoon of child soldiers on the planet, and plans to use them to reboot Bugsy Malone.

Speaking of reboots, 2014 was the year when movie reboots became a genre in themselves.  Although we take movie reboots for granted these days, there was a time when less than 100% of films were reboots, and 2014 turned out to be the pivotal point.  There were reboots of The Matrix, The Nutty Professor, Liar Liar, Flubber and Jumanji, each darker and grittier than the last.

Some men just want to watch the world gurn.

Other than cinema, global culture was beginning to stagnate.  Book publishers and ballet producers were unwilling or unable to make dark reboots of their famous classics, so a new form of culture had to be established.  This new cultural phenomenon started out at street level and was universally derided upon its inception.  Who could have dreamed that by 2114 it would be a multi-billion dollar industry with advocates stretching across the galaxy.  That medium is, of course, Artistic Wanking.  Although it is almost unthinkable in modern times that people were repulsed by this, back then it was the height of taboo and people were forced to wank in private like social pariahs.

Anyway, that’s all we have time for today.  Join us next time on 2014 Retrospective where we’ll be looking at the coronation of North West, PSY’s song for Korean peace, and the day that people realised that PRISM was actually in their own interest.

Bad Sequels

Before I start today, I would like to thank everyone who has left supportitive comments about the podcast.  Some of you have offered your vocal services which I am planning to take you all up on.  You'll probably get an email from me soon if you've volunteered yourself.  Thanks to everyone involved and it's really touching to receive that kind of support.  I am aiming to get the first episode up and running by the 20th, but it could slide if additional vocal work is required.  I'll keep you all updated.

Anyway, let's get on with today's post.  Since the summer blockbuster is now vying for space on the silver screen, I've recently been contemplating films.  In fact, over 50% of all posts on Muppets For Justice are either about films, directly reference films, blatantly rip off films, or have been turned into feature films with my video camera and a collection of dolls.

After watching trailers for the spurious cash-in sequels that are inbound this year, I started to imagine my own sequels to popular films.  Here's a few that I cam up with:

Monsters Inc. In Administration - Mike and Sully attempt to steer their company away from bankruptcy during an economic meltdown in Monstropolis. 

The Elderly And Infirm:  Tokyo Drift - Fast and Furious sequel in which Vin Diesel and The Rock are still doing this shit well into their seventies.

Ghandi Almighty - God comes down to Ghandi and frightens him out of his nappy.

The Abruptly Ending Story - Sequel to The Never Ending....

The Amazing Spidergrandpa - Peter Parker uses his powers to frighten kids away from his lawn, and fashion webs into mobility aids to help him ease himself out of a chair.

There Used To Be Something About Mary - Cameron Diaz returns in this romcom sequel as the titular Mary.  The ravages of time have turned Mary to plastic surgery, making her look like an inflated trout with severe allergies.  Ben Stiller manages to get cum in his hair again.

American Werewolf On A Transatlantic Flight To London - Luckily, it's a day time flight, so no transformations occur.

So, turning this over to you creative bunch of readers, what sequels would you like to see?

Film Easter Eggs

The anniversary of Christ rising from the dead from his chocolatey egg-shaped cocoon is behind us.  However, the movie industry strives forward to include Easter Eggs in nearly all of it's feature films.

For those who don't know, we're not talking about traditional chocolate eggs here.  What would be the point in that?  You'd need one of Wonka's televisions to be able to taste it.  Instead, the term Easter Egg refers to a hidden reference in a film intentionally put there by the creators as a little extra bonus.  You could say that it's more like finding an extra Christmas present round the back of the tree.  These bonuses probably would be called Christmas presents if it wasn't for the Coca Cola company owning the rights to the festive season, so Easter Eggs it is until Cadbury's get their sugar-coated paws on that holiday too.  Then we'll have to call them Hanukah Dreidels.

As I have a large affection for film, I have dedicated my life to cataloguing these Easter Eggs.  You'll thank me one day when this knowledge becomes part of the National Curriculum.  Anyway, allow me to list a few examples that you may not be aware of:

Some Easter Eggs of something called "Pocket Men"

Terminator 2 - Danny De Vito appears as Arnie's twin cyborg brother, and can be seen briefly crying behind John Connor during Schwarzenegger's firey death scene.  He is crying his little robot eyes out, literally, as they dangle out of his sockets and clack together like a Newton's Cradle.

The Hobbit - The dwarves Oin and Gloin have several split second scenes where, instead of the usual bear pelt shirts they are associated with wearing, they can clearly be seen wearing "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts.

The Dark Knight Rises - When Anne Hathaway straddles the Bat-Cycle, if you freeze frame and zoom in at exactly the correct point, you can see a small tear in the crotch of her catsuit.  It is rumoured that by zooming in enough, you can see a portal to the future and witness the end of civilisation as we know it, but this has not been confirmed.

Bridesmaids - When one of the Bridesmaids runs in front of a car, one of the posters in the shop window is actually a flyer for the planned sequel Bridesbutlers.  Unfortunately, this sequel has since been discontinued because Chris O' Dowd thought that a butler's uniform was disrespectful to his heritage.

Mary Poppins - During one of the animated sequences, the film is replaced by a 2 frame shot of a woman's bare ankles.  Although this is impossible to pick up during regular viewing, this subliminal shot would have caused many cinema patrons to have spontaneous heart attacks over this gratuitous exposure to naked flesh, if it had been discovered sooner.

Mars Attacks - As is usual with Tim Burton films, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter can be seen making out in the background as the alien's land and incinerate everyone.

Skyfall - If you listen to Adele's theme song backwards, you might actually mistake it for a good song.

"Skafawwwwwwww when ya crumbawwwwww"

The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus - Several bronze statues of Dustin Hoffman can be seen throughout the film, suggesting that it is a direct sequel to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

The Twlight Saga - Overhead shots in all five Twilight movies (yes, there's five of them) reveal mysterious alien crash sites all around the foggy town in which the story takes place.  This alien conspiracy, as confirmed by the writer Stephanie Meyer, suggests that Twilight takes place on a future Earth after civilisation has been destroyed by the marauding death fleets of an extra-terrestrial empire.  As civilisation has built itself back up and the invasion long since forgotten, many of Earth's inhabitants now have super powers after exposure to alien death rays, namely the abilities of Vampires and Werewolves, and they're also very good in bed.  Twilight is actually the story of alien mutations and life after the apocalypse, rather than the Mormon parable of abstinence and teenage angst that we've all grown to revile.

Pulp Fiction - In a split second shot, you can see that the glowing object in the case is actually a mint condition Spiderman comic that Quentin Tarantino has owned since being a boy.

I have many more of these, but I don't want to ruin the hunt for you guys.  If you know of any Easter Eggs, please put them in the comments box for us all to savour.

Awful Movie Moments 2

 

Yes!  We're back with some more horrific cinematic masterflunks.  If you haven't read part 1, then I heartily encourage you to do so right away.  Not that you need to read part 1 to enjoy this update, I just recommend that you read it anyway.

Once again, my usual tag partner Sir Chizzington of Chiz Chat is present, ready to suplex some horrendous acting and clothesline his way through Hollywood like Hulk Hogan, only with 100% fewer sex tapes.

 Batman and Robin - My Rubber Lips Are Immune To Your Charms

Addman:  "My rubber nips are immune to your palms."

Chiz:  Once again touching on euphemisms, I suppose Poison Ivy's "charm" is actually an outbreak of mouth herpes.

Addman:  Agreed. This line was written after the censors got their hands on it. The original line was "My rubber prophylactic is immune to your AIDs".

Chiz:    It could very well be syphilis as well. I hear if it is left untreated it can result in psychosis, which explains her atrocious choice in eyeliner.

Addman:    Does that apply to all makeup disasters?  Because if so, you're basically implying that the improper application of mascara is an indication that you are a syphilitic whore.

Chiz:    Well, she locked lips with an underage boy wearing a silly mask and skin-tight jumpsuit. I'm pretty sure that's a symptom of psychosis; which, in turn, is a symptom of syphilis.

Addman:     I'm sure Poison Ivy dates The Joker at some point in the Batman universe.

Addman:     "You wanna know how I got these scars? Shhh-shhh-shhh, c'mere.  I left my herpes untreated."

((Dear nerds, I've since realised that it's Harley Quinn who dates The Joker, so don't bother pointing that out))

 Gladiator - I'm Terribly Vexed

 

Chiz:  I'd be vexed too if my limited vocabulary only allowed me one word to express my extreme frustration.

Addman:  His voice reminds me of that little Martian guy from the old Loony Tunes cartoons. "I'm very, very cross"

Addman:     I reckon he might be channelling that little fella for his performance.

Chiz:  I suppose if that's how he chooses to Walk The Line, then that's a Sign that he is The Master. Not many people can replicate Marvin the Martian and get away with it.

Addman:  Right, before we go any further, let's clear this up once and for all. How do you pronounce Joaquin Phoenix?

Chiz:  Just pretend you're hocking a loogie and sneezing at the same time. His last name is pronounced "pee-nis" (the 'x' is silent)

Addman:  I'm glad that's settled. I've always pronounced it "Joe-A-Kin" while my friend always said it was like "Whackin'". Many tears and litres of blood have been shed over this argument.

Addman:     Either way, he doesn't sound very vexed at all. He sounds more like his electricity bill is slightly higher than he expected.

Chiz:  Or the invitation to his cousin's wedding did not allow him a guest.

Addman:  Well that's what you get for casually feeding people to lions.

Chiz:    That would be awkward if the bride was Christian.

Troy - You Sack Of Wine

Chiz:  I suppose that insult would be much less threatening today. "You box of pinot grigio!"

Addman:  I think Brad Pitt is my new favourite actor. Anyone who can deliver that insult with any kind of gusto deserves an award. Or perhaps a sack of wine.

Chiz:    He nearly makes the soldier to the side drop his guard.

Addman:     Yeah, I bet being an extra in that scene was like being a fly on the wall at a Weight Watcher's naked calendar shoot. It's hideous, but you can't help but watch the terrible rippling effect.

Addman:     Would you take offence if someone likened you to an alcoholic beverage?

Chiz:    Not necessarily. Wine makes me giddy, but compare me to a Coors beer, and I'll be terribly vexed.

Judge Dredd - I Am The Law

Addman:    "This dialogue is so snappy" "I can't tell what they're saying" "I hope the writers don't run of steam" "RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:    "Why did you touch me!?"

Addman:    "Because I couldn't help myself"

Chiz:    "You invaded my privacy!"

Addman:  "I am the privacy!  RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:    "Did you walk the dog?" "He wasn't whinning!" "He still may need to pee!" "RWOAAARW" *snatches the leash from the walk*

Addman:    I think in future I'm going to use this technique to finish arguments.

Addman:    "Have you taken the bins out?" "RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:   Oddly enough, the women in the background has the most loose fitting clothes on the set.

Chiz:    What's the purpose of sci-fi action movies other than to objectify women?

Addman:  Who knew Judge Dredd would try and subvert gender stereotypes through it's costume design.

Addman:    However, it puts back the Bear Civil Rights movement by a few decades. "RWOAAARRWW!"

Chiz:    They were certainly Dredding on thin ice with that one.

X-Men: The Last Stand - I'm The Juggernaught, Bitch!

Addman:    This certainly isn't the worst line of dialogue we've seen, but the delivery is terrible.

Chiz:    I want to go into a fancy restaurant and yell, "Do you know who I am? I ordered sauerkraut, bitch!" Then flip the table over and charge the waitress.

Chiz:    "Don't chu know oo why em?"

Addman:    Careful there. Mocking English accents is a very sore subject for me. You are disrespecting the land of my forefathers.

Chiz:    I knew I was venturing into dangerous territory with that one.

Addman:    Vinnie Jones is considered a shaman amongst my people.

Chiz:    Here I'll mock my American accent.

Chiz:    "I'll have a hotdog, extra cheese."

Addman:    Perfect! You nailed those stupid Americans!

Addman:    Anyway, back on topic, do you think Vinnie Jones could have got a better fitting hat?  It looks like they squeezed him into a Darth Vader prototype.

Chiz:    Reminds me of Rick Moranis in Spaceballs.

Addman:    "Don' chu know ooo oi em? I'm Seymour from Little Shop Of Horrors, Bitch!"

Chiz:    His helmet kind of looks like Ellen Greene's hair from Little Shop Of Horrors!

Addman:    Hmm, I'm sensing a conspiracy of some kind here. I'm going to track the hairstyles and hats throughout Hollywood history. I suspect I'll uncover the secret identities of the Illuminati.

The Matrix: Reloaded - Know What Happened Happened

Chiz:    That sounds like something a couple would say following an awkward attempt at anal.

Addman:    "It couldn't have happened any other way, without lube"

Chiz:    "What happened, happened. If it happened any other way, the happenstance would not have happened. Ah, screw it let's watch Netflix and try to forget this ever happ... occurred."

Addman:    Can you imagine doing 50+ takes of this scene? I bet Lawrence Fishbourne always screens new scripts. If it includes the word "happened", he turns it down flat.

Chiz:    Perhaps he was so sick of the word that he used it 3 times in a sentence just to spite the director, and to return the favour, the director actually used the take.

Addman:    I bet someone sent him a script for The Happening just to watch him freak out.

Chiz:    I wonder how the scene would play out if spoken by the Architect. "Ergo, what latterly came to fruition, came to fruition. And could not have come to fruition under the duress of other such happenstance."

Addman:    I can't even wrap my head around that. I guess it would fit into the Matrix Reloaded perfectly.

Chiz:    Speaking of Matrix Reloaded, I wonder if the writer(s) were at a loss of words when it came to actually describing what the hell was going on, so they created this character with a vocabulary beyond human comprehension to try to cover the plot holes.

Addman:    Yes, but they already had a character for that purpose. I thought Keanu Reeve's constant barrage of "What?" was trying to reflect that.

Chiz:    In fact, I'm surprised Morpheus' cryptic, miniature speech didn't arouse a "What?" out of him.

Chiz:    It must have been so out of his comprehension that his brain rebooted.  His brain got the blue screen.

Addman:    Which spawned a new sequel: The Matrix Rebooted.

Chiz:    They probably consulted IT about that one.

Chiz:  We're looking for a way to generate more profit from this money pit. Have any ideas?

Chiz:    Did you try rebooting it?

Chiz:    Brilliant!

Chiz:    Going completely off topic, it kind of goes to show that Hollywood is essentially like an IT department.

Addman:    IT isn't quite as glamorous though, unless you enjoy fat hairy nerds in cocktail dresses giving acceptance speeches about Naruto.



I'm afraid that we have reached the end of our little silver screen soiree.  Now that these lessons have been learned, I fully expect all scriptwriters to learn from them, and for us to never see examples of bad writing in films ever again.  I'd like to thank Chiz for being an able, willing and nubile partner during this whole thing, and I'd like to thank you for reading.  But mainly, I'd like to thank myself and Chiz.  Bye!

Awful Movie Moments

Movies are a great source of escapism for many people.  While watching a good film, chances are  the concious realisation that you're watching characters on a screen will disappear completely.  So, when a film does something that snaps you out of that immersion, it can feel especially jarring.

Below are some awful movie lines that do just that.  For this, I enlisted the help of Chiz from ChizChat to analyse these quotes.  We dissected them, rearranged them, then dissected them again just to be thorough.   Without further ado, please enjoy these Frankensteins of the movie industry.

From Star Wars Episode III:  Killing Younglings:

Addman:  It's nice to see George Lucas try and sugar coat infanticide.

Chiz:  I hope the spy cam (or as they call it, "security hologram") was not located in the boy's locker room.

Addman:  If so, perhaps "Younglings" is actually a euphemism.

Chiz:  For sperm?

Addman:  If I have to spell it out Chiz, it's not a good euphemism.

Chiz:  The fact that Obi-Wan is attempting to stifle a chuckle definitely suggests the line is a euphemism, too.

Addman:  In fact, I think what bothers me the most about this line is that they replace perfectly functional words such as "Children" or "Kids" for something so pointless. I mean, I could add "-ling" to anything and make it sound like some kind of future babble.

Addman:  I'm taking my Dogling for a walk.

Chiz:  I was on the loo, releasing some... poolings.

Addman:  The duck eggs hatched into ... ducklinglings.

Chiz:  Perhaps Anakin was following a sex addiction recovery program which explains why his sister is so upset in discovering that he has not yet overcome his addiction.

Addman:  Aha, Anakin! I couldn't figure out what Natalie Portman was saying. I thought she was talking about her "Nana's Quim".

Chiz:  Well, they seem to be into that incest stuff so I wouldn't put it past her if that was indeed what she said.

Addman:  It's a while since I've seen the Star Wars prequels, but they're not related are they? And if so, why in a vast galaxy of billions upon billions of men, women and alien beasts, do they choose to sleep with their siblings?

Addman:  If the answer is "Because George Lucas" then I don't want to know.


Gigli:  It's Turkey Time, Gobble Gobble:

Addman:  Chiz, since you're a red blooded American, can you explain?  Is this an invitation for oral sex or thanksgiving dinner?

Chiz:  I'm pretty sure she's implying that her nether regions resemble the wattle on a turkey's neck. She's just giving Affleck fair warning. Unless, of course, that's what he's into.

Addman:  So, is she saying she has a scrotum? Scrotums look rather like a turkey's neck.

Chiz:  Or maybe she's looking to get stuffed like a turkey? Or, if you're correct, she maybe wants to do the stuffing herself.

Chiz:  Either way, I have an intense desire to see this movie now.

Addman:  Maybe she's offering to feed him like a turkey, meaning she's going to scatter grain all over the bed, then make him eat it all off of her.

Addman:  Jennifer Lopez, the first woman with an organic, corn-fed vagina.

Chiz:  All I can think of is Children of the Corn now.


X-Men:  Toad Struck By Lightning:

Chiz:  Well sometimes being struck by lightning leads to a steady flow of disability checks. In essence, she could be making his life a hell of a lot easier.

Addman:  To make sure, Wolverine leaps from the shadows and slashes his Achilles tendon, then helps him fill out his benefit forms.

Chiz:  Also, I'm assuming she's excluding herself from "everything else." What an pompous jerk.

Addman:  Things that don't come under the category of "Everything Else": Halle Berry. Toads.

Addman:  I think we've made a scientific discovery. Halle Berry is closely related to amphibians.

Chiz:    Her acting carrier must have been struck by lightning as well shortly following this scene.

Addman:  I don't know about that. Didn't you see Catwoman? That was certainly...a film...

Chiz:  Was it a film? I thought it was a documentary on mental illness awareness.

Addman:  If it was a documentary, it was about extreme fetishes. Skin tight leather and loads of cats? Sounds like a furry convention to me.

Addman:  Incidentally, so does "Turkey time, gobble gobble". Perhaps Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry are closet furries.

Chiz:  I guess that explains her appearance in Anaconda and her tracks that frequently feature Pitbull.



Pitch Perfect:  Crystal Meth (2:18):

Chiz:  She's afraid that she'd become chemically dependent on his lips. Is that what she's implying?

Chiz:  Or is she afraid that her teeth will rot away and her hair will fall out?

Addman:  They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said "mwah, mwah, mwah"

Addman:  I just can't stand the banality of this joke. You could replace crystal meth with anything unrelated and it would still have the same impact.

Addman:  I sometimes have the feeling I could do a kickflip over the moon, but then I think, nah, better not!

Chiz:  I sometimes feel that I should go outside and socialize instead of chronically masturbating behind closed curtains, but I think, mmm, better not!

Addman:  I sometimes feel that I should try not to be a quirky stereotypical fat girl in a movie, but then I think, hmm, better not!

Chiz:  I sometimes feel as though I should accept the sexual advances of someone way out of my league, but I think, nahh, better not!

Addman:  You know when you see a trailer and you just know that all the best bits of the movie are in it? That doesn't bode well for Pitch Perfect.

Chiz:  Though, 0:37 doesn't seem half bad.

Chiz:  Although, the scene is definitely intended for those few bare collar bone enthusiasts.

Addman:  Indeed, although I went to see Hitchcock under the promise of a Scarlett Johanesson shower scene.

Addman:  Interesting fact: While filming The Island, Scarlett Johanesson was called upon to do a topless scene, but Michael Bay cut it out and since then she's announced that she will never do a nude scene.

Addman:  I think I speak for everyone when I say "Fuck you Michael Bay!"

Chiz:  That asshole probably cut it out in order to make more time for over exaggerated explosions. What a nerd.

Chiz:  Where may I, by chance, find this nude Scarlett Johanesson scene?

Addman:  It doesn't exist. You can thank Michael Bay for that.

Chiz:  I sometimes feel that I want to look at a bare chested Scarlet Johanesson, but then I think, mmm, better blame Michael Bay.


The Wicker Man:  Not The Bees:

Addman:  I don't understand why the bees don't just fly away.

Chiz:  Stop it, Nicholas Cage! You're horrendous acting is aggravating the bees!

Addman:  Is it ironic that he's called Nicholas Cage and they put him in a cage?

Chiz:  I like to think the director took that into account while shooting this scene.

Addman:  He also rubbed pollen into his eyes to make sure the bees stayed in shot.

Addman:  Although I have to say, Drone 20915 was absolutely awful. I just didn't feel his mindless rage as he stung the hell out of Nicholas Cage.

Chiz:  He probably stayed up all last night snorting pollen off the naval of a hooker.

Addman:  That would explain why his proboscis was hanging out all over the place. If I was the director, I'd have sent him home for a shower. No one comes on my set in that state!

Chiz:  I like how there's only 2 bees in the cage by the time Nicholas Cage starts screaming. I say he's jumping the gun a little bit.

Chiz:  It also seems as though he's accustomed to getting bees poured on him like a carton of orange juice.

Chiz:  "Not the bees, again!"

Addman:  It's giving him flashbacks of his work experience at the bee keeping farm. This is how they initiate the newbies.

Addman:  They also pour honey on your nads and drive you out to the bear cave deep in the woods.

Chiz:  So that explains why most bee farmers are eunuchs.

Chiz:  Also, quick note. I find it interesting that the guy applying the bees to the cage is the only one donning protective gear. He's not the only one at risk. There's a colony of people mere feet away from them.

Anyway, like cream cakes, it's possible to have too much of a good thing, and we don't want to be responsible for any health concerns.  We actually have another 5 clips worth of comedy for you, but we are the ultimate dick teasers.  Join us soon for more Awful Movie Moments.

Serial Killer Suggestions

It's no secret that Hollywood is on it's arse, both creatively and financially. That's why we at Muppets for Justice occasionally like to suggest new ideas for movies.  Anything to break up the formulaic tedium unleashed by the current slew of film studios.  So, focussing on horror movies, we had a bit of a think tank with a certain undesirable section of society.  Basically, we asked several serial killers to tell us what scares them the most.  If it scares them, it's guaranteed to petrify the likes of you and me, right?  Anyway, here are the results:

Ted Bundy: An old man who has had his eyes replaced with a dog's eyes.

Fred West: How about a child with a jack in the box full of poisonous wasps?

Charles Manson: A haunted toaster that turns itself on when it's unplugged.  It continues trying to toast even when there's no bread in it.

Rose West: A woman in a window brushing her hair, but when you look again she's not there and SHE'S BEHIND YOU - OH GOD!

Raul Moat: An abandoned hospital staffed by ventriloquist dummies in nurse uniforms. The admin is done solely by clowns.

Ian Huntley:  A ghost that has died and become a ghost's ghost.

Anders Brevik:  Uncontrolled immigration.

James Egan Holmes:  A group of hooded men stood around chanting, and when you look closer, they're...AHA!  Gotcha!

Seung-Hui Cho:  A leech the size of a hippo.

Jack The Ripper:  An enchanted flute that summons the chupacabra.

Ed Gein:  A woman who turns around and her face is a skeleton's face. Her boobs are also a skeleton's boobs.

Thomas Dillon:  A child on a swing that is on fire but he keeps swinging anyway.  He probably started the fire himself.

John Allen Muhammad:  Moss growing on an old woman who has sat down for too long.

Aileen Wuornos:  Some children go into the woods, but are possessed by a wizard who makes them eat  all sorts of disgusting things like worms and slugs and puppy dog eyes.  He creates a banquet of grizzly foods and forces them to finish the whole thing.  Also, they kill their parents.

Nathaniel White:  A school kid with long hair over her face and she's sepia-tinted.

Scott Williams:  A man in a restaurant rapidly eating his way towards his credit limit, and not giving a fuck.

I can't watch...is it over?  Phew.  I'm sure we can all agree, that was probably the most frightening collection of ideas ever committed to the Internet.  Let's hope that a bigwig film producer gets hold of these ideas and incorporates them all into a Halloween blockbuster.  Let's also hope that he pays me, handsomely.

--------------

In other news, eccentric son of the Internet Rob Z Tobor, has kindly given me this accolade:

This certifies that I am a Radical Abstract Thinker, which gives me something else to put on my CV underneath Secret Lemonade Drinker (if you get that joke, you're too damn old!).  Anyway, if you sometimes think radical abstract thoughts, perhaps you would consider reading his Blog.  He's been popping up on my Sexy People feed on a daily basis for months, and now you've got no excuse not to visit.  Do it now!

Movie Blurb

Bought to you by the guy who once fetched a coffee for the producer of Paranormal Activity, Lackluster Pictures proudly presents, a spooky, pants-moistening thriller,  Profit In The Margin! 


Gasp at the terrifying prospect of a film studio on the brink of liquidation. Shriek in horror as ordinary civilians turn to piracy instead of their local cinema.

A horrifying scene from the film

Critics are calling it "almost watchable". "I nearly sat through the whole thing" said one reviewer. Empire magazine said "I demanded my money back", presumably so they could watch it again. Total Film said "It was sh..." ...ockingly amazing.


-----------------

Bought to you by some person who watched The Devil Wears Prada, Jennifer Aniston and Ryan Reynolds star in this delightful Rom-Com about an ordinary couple trying to get married, despite extraordinary in-laws.  Lackluster Pictures proudly presents, the feel good hit of the summer, Weddings Are Hilarious.

The calling card of a generic movie

Heat magazine says "It's a bit like Bridesmaids".  Grazia says "Remember Bridesmaids?".  Glamour magazine says "Should be called Bridesmaids: Reloaded"


-----------------


Based on a true story, but contorted so far away from that story that you would barely recognise it, Lackluster Pictures proudly presents a tense, nail-biting, claustrophobic thriller, Man In A Cabinet.


Watch Jason Statham climb into a cabinet in order to play a prank on his girlfriend, only for it to go horribly wrong when he finds that the door gets stuck behind him.  Breathlessly marvel at a black screen, and imagine how terrible it would be to be in such a situation.  Listen to the terrifying sounds of The Stath scratching around for his phone.  Contemplate the themes of survival against all costs as he pisses all over himself.  Breath a sigh of relief as his girlfriend comes home from the supermarket after an hour and a half, and enjoy the teaser trailer at the end which suggests the sequel will follow The Stath's rehabilitation back into society.

See this body, ladies?  Yeah, you won't get to see this body.

My dad called it "A good film for blind people".  My brother said "It saved money on special effects".  My niece said "Why did you burn my dolly?"  For cinema, my dear.  For art!

------------------

Lackluster Pictures is now accepting movie suggestions from the general public.  Please leave your movie ideas in the comments section.

B - Baddies

I feel that the media tends to put baddies in a negative light.  Despite their evil tendencies to enslave the world, murder people and whatnot, you have to admire their ingenuity, persistence, and intelligence.  Their actions may be motivated by personal greed, but the work is hard, the hours are long, and it tends to destroy your social life.  Dinner parties are difficult to arrange when you live inside an orbital doom laser.

As a celebration of bad guys everywhere, I thought I’d honour my favourite villains in the form of a best of list.

And the award for most inappropriate fighting footwear goes to...

10 – Heihachi Mishima

The Tekken series is chock full of token evil-doers, but few match up to Grandpa Evil himself, Heihachi.  To list all of his evil achievements would take too long, but his highlights include fathering the devil, throwing his 5 year old son off a cliff, throwing his grown up son into a volcano (same son, might I add), and gambling his entire corporation and billions in personal wealth, just so he could beat up his family members.  He makes Gaddafi look like Mother Teresa.

9 – Krang

Some think that Shedder was most evil person from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but I reckon it was Krang by a long way.  Not only is he a hideous pink evil squid genius, but he hollowed out a guy just to live inside him.  That would make for a brilliant Halloween version of Grand Designs.

8 – Professor Monkey For A Head

Here’s an inspiring example of a villain who overcame a disability to become a feared galactic presence.  Professor Monkey For A Head has to be one of the best villains ever created, mainly because of the simian hanging off of his scalp.  It’s a comedic concept that still makes me grin inanely today.

7 – Scorpius

If you’re not sure who this leather-bound ghoul is, he’s from the Farscape series.  Just a cursory glance at Scorpius is enough to get him listed here.  Evil acts and misdemeanours are by the by when you are sporting the fetishised corpse look.  What?  Yes, I did watch Farscape.  The BBC used to put it on after The Simpsons.  Don’t judge me!

6 - Dick Dastardly

Animal abuse advocate Dick Dastardly was like a blueprint of villainy during my childhood.  When I think back, Dick Dastardly did very little apart from try and stop a bird from delivering letters and viciously thump his asthmatic dog, but his is an enduring character.  He had all the hallmarks of evil though.  He sported a devilish moustache, wore dark colours, and had a wicked cackle.  Plus his propensity for attaching ludicrously dangerous devices to flying machines was admirable.  I’d have loved him to catch that pigeon, just once.

Stop that pigeon NEEEEOWWW!

5 – Kain

Kain is a vampire lord with one of the meanest streaks I’ve ever seen.  When his lieutenant Raziel grew a pair of wings, Kain tore them off in a jealous rage and threw him into Oblivion.  When Raziel comes back from the dead for revenge, Kain leads him on a wild chase over space and time, which are frontiers that most baddies don’t normally meddle with.  Then there’s his propensity for farming humans.  Civilisation only exists because Kain allows it to in order to satisfy him at snack time.

4 – The Claw

Although we never saw him fully, The Claw had two noticeable characteristics.  The first was his steel claw which he liked to stroke cats with, almost skinning them alive in the process.  The second was that deliciously evil laugh.  “I’ll get you next time Gadget, next time...mwahurhurhurhur!”.  That delectable, throaty laugh is the defining laugh that all baddies should aspire to.  Interestingly, my spell checker doesn’t like the word ‘mwahurhurhurhur’, which I assure you is spelt 100% correctly.  Seriously, go and listen to it now.

3 – Brian Fury

Brian Fury is a cyborg who likes to crush people just for the fun of it all.  During his time in the Tekken series he is seen tearing tanks open like sardine cans, breaking an opponent’s bones even when they’ve been knocked out cold, and killing a scientist who saved his life, all while laughing like a monumental maniac.  You have to admire his callous disregard for everyone in the name of fun.

2 – Darth Vader

You just knew that everyone’s favourite negligent father had to pop up somewhere on the list.  Darth’s evil deeds include cutting off his son’s hand, not paying any child support whatsoever, and overseeing the construction of a planet sized weapon of mass destruction.  The Death Star is the pinnacle of evil achievements, sweeping aside the fact that it was destroyed easily by a lone fighter.  We also need to ignore his empire’s overwhelming defeat to a bunch of teddy bears.  In fact, Darth is directly responsible for some glaring mistakes when you think about it.  Gotta love that outfit though.

1 – Psycho Mantis

The guy looks like a mustard gas gimp.  Although he’s rocking that World War II look, Mantis can read your mind, dodge bullets with relative ease, make you go blind, and float around with the power of his mind.  As a child, Mantis razed his entire hometown to the ground in some sort of crazed psychotropic fury, the effect of which probably made him a little touched to say the least.  Fighting Psycho Mantis is akin to overloading on hallucinogens, then trying to punch a balloon in a hurricane.  Of course, you could always plug your controller into port 2.  “Nooooo!  I can’t read you!”.

Your memory is completely clean, dumbass!

Kate Winslet Is Sick Of Being Typecast As A Woman

At a recent press conference, mutli award winning actress Kate Winslet sent tinsel town into a spiral as she announced that she was sick of being typecast, as a woman.

The 35 year old English actress accused Hollywood bosses of "inherent sexism" by pigeon holing her into only accepting female roles.

"As an actress, I want to take on greater challenges. For my gender, there is no greater challenge than to play the lead role in a James Bond movie, or perhaps The Fast And The Furious" she said.

"The movie business is the last bastion of sexism. These days, a woman can hold any position that a man can from a coal miner, to a chief executive. Except, it seems, in Hollywood, where certain parts are always given to men".

The news comes as a shock to movie producers who had lined her up for a number of 2012 releases with Winslet expected to play the female roles. A spokesman from Columbia Pictures has declared the studio is "disappointed" with her announcement, and that they are "preparing legal actions" should Winslet try and back out of the role, or take testosterone supplements during shooting.

When challenged about the lack of men taking up female roles on screen, Winslet put one hand on her hip, held her other hand in a slightly camp manner, and declared "oooohh errrr!"

For those who are thinking of hiring her as a man, there is an added incentive. The actress has promised to levy the fee for any studio "brave enough" to hire her for this kind of role. She declared this to be a pivotal point for female actresses everywhere, and hopes to be leaping through the air during an explosion and firing two handguns on our screens in the near future.

Shortly after the news broke, showbiz blogs and columnists around the world were driven to insane acts of violence against each other in order to secure rights to interview Kate Winslet first. An underground wrestling syndicate has been set up, with the next match to include Gordon Smart wrestling Marina Hyde. My own bout against the 3AM girls is scheduled for this afternoon.

Now with added beard

Double Vision

Visiting the cinema is becoming an expensive affair these days. With the high prices of your average ticket, not to mention extra charges for the privilege of three dimensions, then the cost of 3D glasses, not to mention the cost of cinema food and drink, soon it'll only be the elite members of society who can afford to go.

This might seem like fantastic news for the aristocrats who want to watch their black and white, French avant-guarde motion pictures whilst flicking their overgrown moustaches without having some obnoxious teenager flicking popcorn around. They could use the spare seats to rest their canes on. However, the rest of the cinema-going population are going to be excluded. The movie business is going to have to change, giving people more value for their money.

I have come up with the solution to this problem. Why not simply combine two movies together? This would give the punters double the value for their money. Plus, old franchises could be revitalised by splicing them together. Here are just a few ideas that Hollywood can have for free (Plus VAT, plus tax, plus royalties, plus expenses, plus labour costs):

Jurassic Gosford Park

A mild mannered English tea party is interrupted by an implausible invasion of scaly monsters from the Jurassic period. Key scenes include eating dessert out of crystalised amber, and Maggie Smith mounting a velociraptor.

Groundhog Day After Tomorrow

Life on Earth gradually falls apart around Jake Gyllenhaal as tidal waves, earthquakes, and all manner of natural disasters ravage the globe. Then, life on Earth gradually falls apart around Jake Gyllenhaal as tidal waves, earthquakes, and all manner of natural disasters ravage the globe. Shortly after, life on Earth gradually falls apart around Jake Gyllenhaal as tidal waves, earthquakes, and all manner of natural disasters ravage the globe...

The Terminalator

A killer robot from the future finds himself trapped in a busy airport terminal due to a loophole on his passport (the country he comes from in the future doesn't exist in the present). Airport security try and detain him whilst he runs amok through the duty free shops, killing Catherine Zeta Jones in the process.

Monsters vs Aliens vs Predator

Children's CG caper in which cutsey aliens and wacky monsters are brutally dissected by an uncompromising, intergalactic game hunter from beyond our galaxy.

You, Marley and Me and Dupree

Owen Wilson plays Owen Wilson, co starring Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson in a screenplay by Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson buys a pet dog (played by Owen Wilson) to impress his new wife, Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson then has to leave the house after outstaying his welcome with Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson.

There's just a few of my ideas. Has anyone else got anything further to add? Feel free to contribute your own amalgamated movies.

A Review Of Doctor Parnassus

I went to see The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus last night, the film that is famous for being the final project that the late Heath Ledger worked on before he died. Doctor Parnassus has been in post production limbo for over a year now since the film makers were left in the lurch by the untimely death of their leading man, but luckily, good old Hollywood were there to pick up the finances and throw a whole menagerie of stars into the mix to fill in the missing pieces.

As you can imagine, Doctor Parnassus is a film that, after spending such a long time on the cutting room floor, still feels a little bit chopped up and hacked together. The film seems to give up on it's own plot at some points in favour of it's visuals, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but leaves many story elements up in the air or unexplained. It smacks of something that doesn't know whether to take it's plot line seriously, or whether to throw it all to the wind in favour of marvellous imagery. Anyway, I'll take a short stab at the story, without spoilers if I can help it.

Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer) is an aging monk who travels around with his stage show telling a religious story that you never hear or understand yourself throughout the film. One day the devil appears to him and grants him immortality at the cost of his first born child becoming part of the devil's property at the age of 16. Dr Parnassus has a daughter (Lily Cole), and the film surrounds Parnassus and the devil's struggle in an endless series of bets over his daughter, including the harvesting of souls in a mystery land inside Parnassus' mirror. They happen across a mysterious stranger (Heath Ledger, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farrel) who cannot remember his past, but who brings radical ideas to Parnassus' show to lure in new, unsuspecting folks. As you can tell, the plot is rather confusing up until two thirds of the way through the movie, leaving many people with confused facial expressions that resemble a Pug being forced to eat bonfire toffee.

You've no doubt gathered that the main reason to watch this film is for the trippy special effects (unless you're a grief tourist and are still upset by Ledger's death. But hey, you can take comfort in the fact that he died doing what he loved; having a stranglewank in a cupboard). The stark contrast between the grim, urban environments of the real world and the whimsical, vibrant worlds inside the Doctor's mirror is like watching a Beatles cartoon whilst a hairy German does a dirty protest directly onto your eyes; it's a marvellous experience. It's the kind of vivid visuals that only modern technology can keep up with Gilliam's ambitions.

When it comes to the cast, the part of Tony is finished off by the likes of Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell, who are all made to look quite similar to Heath Ledger and told to act a lot like him. None of them are on screen for more than 10 minutes, yet are used as the star attractions, so commenting on their performances would be like discussing a tribute band's musical integrity. Startlingly enough, the female lead is played by Lily Cole, a woman who usually resembles an extraterrestrial when doing model shoots. The strangest thing about her appointment is that she's actually not bad as an actress, and doesn't look like an extra from Close Encounters when on moving film.

So, is this film any good or not? Yes, as a moving wonder of imaginative effects, no as a story telling device. Overall, I guess that would make it merely OK. Doctor Parnassus probably wouldn't have been finished at all if the film industry didn't see it as a final tribute to one of it's own actors, and as a send off, it's not all that spectacular.

Ewan McGregor Is A Big Bag Of Wank

I hate Ewan McGregor.

I was startled when I came to this conclusion. Considering how many other dire actors exist such as Keanu Reeves and Clive Owen , you'd think that Ewan McGregor's continued existence would pale in comparison to those two tragedies of the silver screen. You'd think the likes of Nicholas Cage would be more deserving of my ire considering that he is stiffer than a group of lumberjacks watching beaver porn, yet Ewan has a special something that sets him apart from his contemporaries of wankery.

This ill feeling may be triggered by Ewan's woeful back history. Take Trainspotting for example, the film that arguably launched his career quicker than Usain Bolt on laxatives. His stratospheric rise to glory after starring in this film was only marred by the fact that Trainspotting is crap. Unless you're inexplicably intrigued by sweaty people coming down off of drugs and shooting dogs up the arse, I wouldn't recommend Trainspotting as that pretty much sums up the highlights. Oh, and a baby dies, but I guess that's symbolic or some rubbish.

Big Fish is actually his finest moment. Not because of his performance or anything, but because he had the good fortune to end up in the cast of a decent movie. The film would have been equally as good if a slide whistle noise was played over the top of his dialogue, and they had photoshopped Busta Rhymes' face over the top of his for no apparent reason.

Then of course there's Miss Potter in which Ewan, a broad Scot, bounces a poor English accent off of an even worse English accent produced by Rent-A-Brit Reneé Zellweger. Never before has such a detestable duo appeared on our screens, and they will probably never be beaten unless Edwina Currie and Joan Collins perform a lesbian romp on Babestation whilst Christine Hamilton shouts encouragement from the sidelines. If the script could have overcome it's many problems (being centred around a character that writes a book with little contention or problems except the odd raising of an eyebrow from a disapproving mother), it would still have been utterly unwatchable due to it's hammy performances. It's a given that Miss Potter is bad beyond belief.

If this wasn't enough, he turned up in the film adaptation of Angels and Demons in which they decided to change the nationality of one of the main characters so that Ewan could practise his Irish accent. Yes, the Camerlengo was changed from Italian to Irish just so they could shoehorn McGregor in for some reason. Not that the source material was all that exceptional, but Ewan manages to lower the bar yet again.

Other lows include The Island, a film so bad that lobotomy rates rose 25% on its opening weekend, and Black Hawk Down which...had a helicopter in it I think. Of course, his absolute worst moment is his portrayal of Obi Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars prequels, but most actors would fall at this stage trying to follow in the footsteps of Alec Guinness. However, an actor who is more decorated than Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's Christmas tree such as Ewan should have been up to the challenge.

Although his film career contains more low points than a submarine captained entirely by hedgehogs, his worst traits are those displayed outside of his movies. A distinct inability to take himself less than super-seriously is infuriating. I've heard people say that he's a nice guy, but the interviews I've seen him in seem to suggest otherwise. The only aspect of him that's larger than his ego is his disfiguring mole.

All in all, I guess Ewan simply provides an adequate anger outlet for me. He's the physical embodiment of everything I dislike about the film industry (which is the one industry I don't usually have a problem with). He's the Kasabian of Hollywood. The only time I'd enjoy a film with him in it would be a movie called "Let's flick McGregor in the face with a rubber glove", which consisted of 90 minutes of just that.

P.S. It's come to my attention that Stephen Gately is dead. R.I.P Stephen, our thoughts go out to your family. Also, Louis Walsh is said to be "Flaccid" over the incident, for the first time since Westlife stood up off of a stool during a key change.