Friday, 8 June 2012

Movie Blurb

Bought to you by the guy who once fetched a coffee for the producer of Paranormal Activity, Lackluster Pictures proudly presents, a spooky, pants-moistening thriller,  Profit In The Margin! 


Gasp at the terrifying prospect of a film studio on the brink of liquidation. Shriek in horror as ordinary civilians turn to piracy instead of their local cinema.


A horrifying scene from the film


Critics are calling it "almost watchable". "I nearly sat through the whole thing" said one reviewer. Empire magazine said "I demanded my money back", presumably so they could watch it again. Total Film said "It was sh..." ...ockingly amazing.


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Bought to you by some person who watched The Devil Wears Prada, Jennifer Aniston and Ryan Reynolds star in this delightful Rom-Com about an ordinary couple trying to get married, despite extraordinary in-laws.  Lackluster Pictures proudly presents, the feel good hit of the summer, Weddings Are Hilarious.


The calling card of a generic movie


Heat magazine says "It's a bit like Bridesmaids".  Grazia says "Remember Bridesmaids?".  Glamour magazine says "Should be called Bridesmaids: Reloaded"


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Based on a true story, but contorted so far away from that story that you would barely recognise it, Lackluster Pictures proudly presents a tense, nail-biting, claustrophobic thriller, Man In A Cabinet.


Watch Jason Statham climb into a cabinet in order to play a prank on his girlfriend, only for it to go horribly wrong when he finds that the door gets stuck behind him.  Breathlessly marvel at a black screen, and imagine how terrible it would be to be in such a situation.  Listen to the terrifying sounds of The Stath scratching around for his phone.  Contemplate the themes of survival against all costs as he pisses all over himself.  Breath a sigh of relief as his girlfriend comes home from the supermarket after an hour and a half, and enjoy the teaser trailer at the end which suggests the sequel will follow The Stath's rehabilitation back into society.


See this body, ladies?  Yeah, you won't get to see this body.


My dad called it "A good film for blind people".  My brother said "It saved money on special effects".  My niece said "Why did you burn my dolly?"  For cinema, my dear.  For art!

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Lackluster Pictures is now accepting movie suggestions from the general public.  Please leave your movie ideas in the comments section.

23 comments:

  1. Here's my pitch: a total crap, no plot rom-com with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson. That's it.
    What, that seems like all it takes to get a horrific eye-gougingly terrible movie made.
    How about a movie based on a mildly popular existing property like My Little Pony or a Home Alone remake?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent ideas. Can we combine two franchises and make My Little Pony vs Predator?

      Delete
  2. Title: Denzel Washington Has a Gun

    Pitch: Denzel Washington runs around shooting people with guns. You think he's a bad guy in the beginning, but then he turns out to have an alterior motive, and you probably end up liking him by the end of the movie. Oh, and Michelle Rodriguez is running around somewhere with guns, too.

    Bah, yours are better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I like yours. It has potential for some sequels and spin offs too, such as Vin Diesel Drives A Car, and Nicholas Cage Screams Like A Moron.

      Delete
  3. Woman Waiting for the Phone to Ring

    Starring Zooey Deschanel.

    Desperate woman looking adorkable, waiting for the phone to ring after a date with a man played by Michael Cera. That's all.

    Appealing to hipsters everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adorkable is a brilliant word. Perhaps Ellen Page could ring her up at some point and tell her how pregnant she is.

      Delete
  4. Total Film said "It was sh..." ...ockingly amazing.

    I laughed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! That means its not a total loss then.

      Delete
  5. Coming this Summer:
    That one dude from that one movie where he totally kills a bunch of bad guys to get revenge on them, is back for even more revenge - again. This time it's personal when the bad guys kidnap his totally smoking hot wife (you know that really hot chick from that one romantic comedy that your ex-girlfriend dragged you to that one time? No, not the one with the smoking hot Asian chick - the other one). Anyway, the dude totally kills tons of bad guys and there's a lot of explosions and shit (and maybe a robot - I can't remember), then he gets to bang his smoking hot wife and I swear there is an awesome shot of her side-boob, right before he kills some more bad guys. Yeah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Side boobs you say? Alright, how much?

      *throws money in the air*

      Delete
  6. *Catches money and runs off...I'm skint*
    How about two extremely fit men, naked in bed together...that's all I have...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like "gay tuesday" at my place. Only, the guys aren't fit, or gay, or even guys. Alright, its two dogs screwing on my front lawn, but its the effort that counts.

      Delete
  7. A woman goes looking to find herself, only to find that, unsurprisingly, the secret to inner enlightment is inner, thus the expression ... although I think we'd be contractually obligated to cast Julia Roberts. I'm pretty sure its illegal to make a film like that unless you do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, sorry, I can't support anything that gives Julia Roberts work. Ethically, that would be like buying blood diamonds and throwing them at tigers.

      Delete
  8. I was hoping the Statham one would end up in a freak flood...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You...you wouldn't be advocating the death of a movie star now, would you? Do you want a guest spot here?

      Delete
  9. Another great post, and some awesome sounding movies!
    There's an award for you on my blog :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent! Thank you very, very much.

      Delete
  10. NEWS at TEN: THE MOVIE.

    Ive done a test screening for a film called my gentle w*nk. it stars Nigel Havers and the guy who played Jacko off of Brushstrokes (who is still called Jacko to this day by everyone, even his wife) theres no High jinks, Or anything that comes close to resembling a hilarious consequence whatsoever. I always thought Oliver Stone would jump at the chance to direct. or failing him, the guy who did Morph.

    Here is a link to the screen test, ignore the website address at the end. its not there anymore...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV9P0IWiUas <--- My Gentle W*nk take one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. News at ten the movie has almost limitless potential. As for that youtube video, hilarious. I always thought there was something sinister about the chuckles.

      Delete
  11. You have a lot of awesome going on in this post.

    Can we work in portal technology and vampire zombies?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now you're thinking with portals. And the T virus.

      Delete

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