Monday, 4 March 2013

Awful Movie Moments

Movies are a great source of escapism for many people.  While watching a good film, chances are  the concious realisation that you're watching characters on a screen will disappear completely.  So, when a film does something that snaps you out of that immersion, it can feel especially jarring.

Below are some awful movie lines that do just that.  For this, I enlisted the help of Chiz from ChizChat to analyse these quotes.  We dissected them, rearranged them, then dissected them again just to be thorough.   Without further ado, please enjoy these Frankensteins of the movie industry.

From Star Wars Episode III:  Killing Younglings:

Addman:  It's nice to see George Lucas try and sugar coat infanticide.

Chiz:  I hope the spy cam (or as they call it, "security hologram") was not located in the boy's locker room.

Addman:  If so, perhaps "Younglings" is actually a euphemism.

Chiz:  For sperm?

Addman:  If I have to spell it out Chiz, it's not a good euphemism.

Chiz:  The fact that Obi-Wan is attempting to stifle a chuckle definitely suggests the line is a euphemism, too.

Addman:  In fact, I think what bothers me the most about this line is that they replace perfectly functional words such as "Children" or "Kids" for something so pointless. I mean, I could add "-ling" to anything and make it sound like some kind of future babble.

Addman:  I'm taking my Dogling for a walk.

Chiz:  I was on the loo, releasing some... poolings.

Addman:  The duck eggs hatched into ... ducklinglings.

Chiz:  Perhaps Anakin was following a sex addiction recovery program which explains why his sister is so upset in discovering that he has not yet overcome his addiction.

Addman:  Aha, Anakin! I couldn't figure out what Natalie Portman was saying. I thought she was talking about her "Nana's Quim".

Chiz:  Well, they seem to be into that incest stuff so I wouldn't put it past her if that was indeed what she said.

Addman:  It's a while since I've seen the Star Wars prequels, but they're not related are they? And if so, why in a vast galaxy of billions upon billions of men, women and alien beasts, do they choose to sleep with their siblings?

Addman:  If the answer is "Because George Lucas" then I don't want to know.

Gigli:  It's Turkey Time, Gobble Gobble:

Addman:  Chiz, since you're a red blooded American, can you explain?  Is this an invitation for oral sex or thanksgiving dinner?

Chiz:  I'm pretty sure she's implying that her nether regions resemble the wattle on a turkey's neck. She's just giving Affleck fair warning. Unless, of course, that's what he's into.

Addman:  So, is she saying she has a scrotum? Scrotums look rather like a turkey's neck.

Chiz:  Or maybe she's looking to get stuffed like a turkey? Or, if you're correct, she maybe wants to do the stuffing herself.

Chiz:  Either way, I have an intense desire to see this movie now.

Addman:  Maybe she's offering to feed him like a turkey, meaning she's going to scatter grain all over the bed, then make him eat it all off of her.

Addman:  Jennifer Lopez, the first woman with an organic, corn-fed vagina.

Chiz:  All I can think of is Children of the Corn now.

X-Men:  Toad Struck By Lightning:

Chiz:  Well sometimes being struck by lightning leads to a steady flow of disability checks. In essence, she could be making his life a hell of a lot easier.

Addman:  To make sure, Wolverine leaps from the shadows and slashes his Achilles tendon, then helps him fill out his benefit forms.

Chiz:  Also, I'm assuming she's excluding herself from "everything else." What an pompous jerk.

Addman:  Things that don't come under the category of "Everything Else": Halle Berry. Toads.

Addman:  I think we've made a scientific discovery. Halle Berry is closely related to amphibians.

Chiz:    Her acting carrier must have been struck by lightning as well shortly following this scene.

Addman:  I don't know about that. Didn't you see Catwoman? That was certainly...a film...

Chiz:  Was it a film? I thought it was a documentary on mental illness awareness.

Addman:  If it was a documentary, it was about extreme fetishes. Skin tight leather and loads of cats? Sounds like a furry convention to me.

Addman:  Incidentally, so does "Turkey time, gobble gobble". Perhaps Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry are closet furries.

Chiz:  I guess that explains her appearance in Anaconda and her tracks that frequently feature Pitbull.

Pitch Perfect:  Crystal Meth (2:18):

Chiz:  She's afraid that she'd become chemically dependent on his lips. Is that what she's implying?

Chiz:  Or is she afraid that her teeth will rot away and her hair will fall out?

Addman:  They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said "mwah, mwah, mwah"

Addman:  I just can't stand the banality of this joke. You could replace crystal meth with anything unrelated and it would still have the same impact.

Addman:  I sometimes have the feeling I could do a kickflip over the moon, but then I think, nah, better not!

Chiz:  I sometimes feel that I should go outside and socialize instead of chronically masturbating behind closed curtains, but I think, mmm, better not!

Addman:  I sometimes feel that I should try not to be a quirky stereotypical fat girl in a movie, but then I think, hmm, better not!

Chiz:  I sometimes feel as though I should accept the sexual advances of someone way out of my league, but I think, nahh, better not!

Addman:  You know when you see a trailer and you just know that all the best bits of the movie are in it? That doesn't bode well for Pitch Perfect.

Chiz:  Though, 0:37 doesn't seem half bad.

Chiz:  Although, the scene is definitely intended for those few bare collar bone enthusiasts.

Addman:  Indeed, although I went to see Hitchcock under the promise of a Scarlett Johanesson shower scene.

Addman:  Interesting fact: While filming The Island, Scarlett Johanesson was called upon to do a topless scene, but Michael Bay cut it out and since then she's announced that she will never do a nude scene.

Addman:  I think I speak for everyone when I say "Fuck you Michael Bay!"

Chiz:  That asshole probably cut it out in order to make more time for over exaggerated explosions. What a nerd.

Chiz:  Where may I, by chance, find this nude Scarlett Johanesson scene?

Addman:  It doesn't exist. You can thank Michael Bay for that.

Chiz:  I sometimes feel that I want to look at a bare chested Scarlet Johanesson, but then I think, mmm, better blame Michael Bay.

The Wicker Man:  Not The Bees:

Addman:  I don't understand why the bees don't just fly away.

Chiz:  Stop it, Nicholas Cage! You're horrendous acting is aggravating the bees!

Addman:  Is it ironic that he's called Nicholas Cage and they put him in a cage?

Chiz:  I like to think the director took that into account while shooting this scene.

Addman:  He also rubbed pollen into his eyes to make sure the bees stayed in shot.

Addman:  Although I have to say, Drone 20915 was absolutely awful. I just didn't feel his mindless rage as he stung the hell out of Nicholas Cage.

Chiz:  He probably stayed up all last night snorting pollen off the naval of a hooker.

Addman:  That would explain why his proboscis was hanging out all over the place. If I was the director, I'd have sent him home for a shower. No one comes on my set in that state!

Chiz:  I like how there's only 2 bees in the cage by the time Nicholas Cage starts screaming. I say he's jumping the gun a little bit.

Chiz:  It also seems as though he's accustomed to getting bees poured on him like a carton of orange juice.

Chiz:  "Not the bees, again!"

Addman:  It's giving him flashbacks of his work experience at the bee keeping farm. This is how they initiate the newbies.

Addman:  They also pour honey on your nads and drive you out to the bear cave deep in the woods.

Chiz:  So that explains why most bee farmers are eunuchs.

Chiz:  Also, quick note. I find it interesting that the guy applying the bees to the cage is the only one donning protective gear. He's not the only one at risk. There's a colony of people mere feet away from them.

Anyway, like cream cakes, it's possible to have too much of a good thing, and we don't want to be responsible for any health concerns.  We actually have another 5 clips worth of comedy for you, but we are the ultimate dick teasers.  Join us soon for more Awful Movie Moments.


  1. I can't believe you could single out specific lines in these movies. They are, with the exception of Pitch Perfect, unwatchable. Especially the Star Wars prequels. You could have chosen a number of hyper-racist stereotypes, but you went for the more subtle, which is admirable.

    1. Well there is a part 2 coming soon which features some objectively worse films, but I know what you mean. Although, I wouldn't class X-Men as a terrible movie. I have a soft spot for those films actually.

  2. I'm with Pickleope. I'm just impressed that you could single these out.

    First off, the Star Wars thing. I just think it's stupid that everything has to have a different name in a sci-fi movie. "The security hologram." "The younglings." "I got so drunk last night I vomited into the laser-guided feces elimination receptacle." Can we not just use regular words in sci-fi movies?

    Also, Pitch Perfect is a perfect example of the funny fat girl syndrome. If a funny fat girl says it, then it's automatically funny. It doesn't matter if it's stupid or doesn't make any sense or has no real context, like why she'd randomly start doing crystal meth.

    1. I just wonder what a spoon is called in the Star Wars Universe. Perhaps an Ion Nutrient Receptacle.

  3. I'm glad you brought Chiz in for this, and you two bounced off eachother pretty well for some good comedy. Plus I always love a bit of humorous over-analyzing.

    1. Thank! We did the Embarrassing Nightclub Photos post a few months ago and since then, I've been itching to do it again. I'm glad it turned out well because we had a blast making it.

  4. All Star Wars dialogue is awful. That doesn't mean the movies are awful - because the ones made before I was born aren't - but the dialogue of ALL Star Wars movies is awful. You'd never agree to read that stuff.

    [In Homer Simpson "donuts" voice]: Anna Kendrick...

    1. I couldn't agree more. The spectacle of the original movies still holds up, but the dialogue isn't any better than the prequel trilogy really. As Harrison Ford once famously said "George, you can type this shit, but you can't say it!"

  5. It's really difficult writing a comment on a collaborative post. So, uhh, great job organizing the post, and thanks again for including me!

    And relax Nicholas Cage! The bees aren't anywhere near your eyes.

    1. No, but the poorly done CGI bees are all over his shit. That's the scariest part.

  6. When I read that you and Chiz were both working on this post, I almost wet my knickers in an orgiastic state of glee. You guys are hilarious together, though Ms Lopez now makes me want to glue my legs shut. *shudders*
    Great job guys! *goes off to change knickers* ;0

    1. Well I'll take your ruined underwear as a compliment. Thankyouverymuch! Hope the dry cleaning bills don't put you out of pocket.

  7. That was the Bee's Knee's HA HAH HHAHHAH AHH AH HAH AHh ah hah ah ah hahha hah ah aha h hhahah ha hah ah hah hah ah ha hah hahahahahahahaha ha hahah ahahahahahahahhh ah hah ha . . . . . .

    Well done chaps that was better than The Two Ronnie's on acid . . . . . Sorry I mean The Two Ronnie's in a vat of acid.

    1. Well I imagine there are a lot of things that are more enjoyable than watching two human beings being dissolved in acid. Watching just one human being being dissolved in acid, for instance.

  8. If only the weird cultists had used wasps instead of bees. Maybe then we wouldn't have had to put up with all those other movies since 2006. Oh, but then no Kick-Ass. I take it back.

    1. Hmm, we have to ask ourselves if Kick-Ass is worth several years worth of terrible Nicholas Cage films. I'd have to say, probably.

  9. I havent seen any of those films mainly because I thought they would be shite but now I do want to see Pitch Perfect so you have wrecked my life of blissful ignorance. So very funny and stuff!

    1. I sometimes think I should go an watch Pitch Perfect, but then I think, hmmmmm, better not!

      I'm pleased that the Gods of Blogspot have deemed it fine for you to post here, I know you often have problems doing so.

  10. I loved this post. I love anything to do with movies. I wish I thought up this idea, dammit. I think Cage wants the bees inside his mouth, that is why he is screaming. He gets off when the bees sting his uvula.

    1. I read that as bees stinging his vulva, which would make for a rather interesting movie. Glad you enjoyed it!

  11. The whole it's a small world vibe was one of my biggest disappointments of the Star Wars prequels. I rarely bump into my neighbors at the local grocery store yet the Star Wars characters are constantly running into one another all over the damn galaxy.

    1. Very true. You'd hope an entire galaxy would be large enough to escape from Jar Jar Binks, and yet, he always seems to find you.


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.