Friday, 9 August 2013

Uncles Are Destroying Social Mobility

It has recently come to my attention that there is a sinister force at work in the employment sector.  Have you ever wondered why, when you absolutely aced that interview and gave the entire interview panel a metaphorical blowjob (or a real one if it would help your chances), they went with some spotty, uneducated and over-nourished prick whose only life skill is an offhand knowledge of saving throws in Dungeons and Dragons?  Well, I have figured out the sinister truth behing this phenomenon.  I can confirm that the entire corporate world is run by a cartel of uncles.

That’s right.  Every job that should have been yours but went to some unenthusiastic work experience kid is all the despicable work of uncles.  They infiltrate interview panels and put their nephews and nieces in positions that can’t possibly cope with.

They do this to ensure their own hereditary rule.  Their own kids are probably off having a gap year in Morocco “finding themselves” amid a vast stockpile of credit card bills.  Ergo, these uncles offer their vaguely related offspring the chance of employment instead.  They stack the cards in their favour, pull the strings behind the scenes, laugh at your CV like it is a script for a new series of Blackadder, and throw it out in favour of their own brood’s CV.  Even if their application reads like Vogon poetry, it will rocket to the top of the pile.

Don't you mean "Uncles rock the foundations of the world of business"?  No, that's a bit of a stretch.


South Park predicted this.  At least, I assume that’s what the Uncle Fucker song was all about, those pesky fucking uncles.  Or maybe they thought it was a humorous replacement for the word motherfucker.  Either way, I support their ongoing campaign against the uncle menance.

If you don’t think this consortium of uncles is an issue, just you wait until you become an uncle yourself.  I’m actually an uncle four times over.  I’m a powerful level four uncle, and I can feel my employment-stifling powers coming into blossom.  That’s right; I’m effectively campaigning against myself.  I’m doing this because I understand how dangerous I am becoming.  Once my uncleoscity is in full swing I will be unstoppable, ruining everybody’s employment opportunities and installing them in positions of authority.

Some of you probably think it’s high time that I started a protest against myself, although you didn’t think it would be for this reason.  Anyway, regardless of your reasoning for wanting me gone, I invite you all to a protest against myself next Thursday.  My aim is to be more successful than the Kony campaign in the regard that we can actually put an end to this evil right away.  There will be effigy burning, toasting marshmallows over the effigies, and perhaps even a giant Addman wicker man.  Basically, there will be lots and lots of fire everywhere, so bring shorts.  If enough people gather we can finally end this Addman threat once and for all.  Oh, and uncles.

19 comments:

  1. I'll be there Thursday for the big fire! I can't resist an opportunity to wear my shorts and roast some marshmallows. There will be marshmallows, right? I assume I can brush up on my D&D skills while roasting weenies too.

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    1. Oh yeah, I encourage everyone to toast marshmallows over my burning corpse. Down with me! Up with marshmallows!

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  2. I'm in a sad reality where all my uncles are unemployed. How can I ever hope to find a job if the only window of opportunity has been shattered and boarded up? I'll most certainly be present at this protest. This tyranny has to end! It's time for a good ol' avunculicide!

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    1. What? Your uncles are indeed weak. Throw them on the pyre anyway, for they are puny and unworthy! Mwahahaha!

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  3. I never had an uncle who got me a job. But my father-in-law once got me a job as a bank teller. I guess he wanted me to support his little girl.

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    1. That's morally repugnant! Trying to support your loved ones! How dare you?

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  4. I used to watch The Man from Uncle on the tele. Sadly all my own Uncles died some time ago, and were cremated so they will simply laugh at the thought of a fire, but my uncles children are all doing good and are all high fliers in the world of business, so we will all wear our Addman the Badman T shirts and cheer you on . . . . You cant beat a good self protest.

    I look forward to the Addman Alan Wicker too, I used to watch him just after The Man from U.n.c.l.e.

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    1. Is he like the man from Del Monte? Still, your uncles are welcome to come along as long as they blow all over the canopes. Oh yes, there will be nibbles at the protest.

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  5. I'm an uncle 5 times over. Are you saying it's bad that I got my 12 yr old niece that job as CFO of a multi-million dollar company?

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    1. Yes, unless you made her the CFO of Lego.

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  6. I'm still a level-zero uncle, which is pretty cool coz I think I'd be bad at uncling. I barely got myself a job, let alone whatever spawn my siblings might produce.

    And I'll have you know, an offhand knowledge of saving throws in Dungeons and Dragons is a pretty handy life skill to have. In fact, I wish I had that skill, so much so that when I play Dungeons and Dragons I play a character with that skill.

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  7. Haha, and what D&D character does your D&D character play?

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  8. I am eternally doomed! I have no uncles...can I adopt one?

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    1. You cannot adopt an uncle, but an uncle can adopt you. But then he'd be your father. I'm not sure if that helps at all.

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    2. As long as he has a brother? Back to the dole queue for me :)

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  9. I see my previous comment inspired you.

    ...My uncle is SO going to hear about this. You'll never work in this town again, you hear me?

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    1. Yes, you did inspire me. My nephew's uncle (aka, me) has already heard about it and has promised me a job. Not to cause friction in the uncle underworld or anything, but I think I'll be okay.

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  10. I really need one of these Uncles. My Uncles aren't doing their jobs to me a job. I saw I can't adopt an Uncle, but can I trade?

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    1. Yeah I don't see why not. Some sort of Uncle Pawn Shop might be a good way to go.

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