Friday, 30 August 2013

Extra time

Do you have problems fitting your busy schedule into 24 hours? Do you sometimes wish that there were more hours in the day?

Hi, I'm Addman, pioneer of the Extra Time system, and I'm here to sell you a whole additional hour per day of your waking life. That's an astonishing return of 25 hours per day. Here's how it works.

Basically, when you sign up to our program, our specially trained team of Timenicians will break into your home and begin the process. They will destroy your clocks, burn your calendar that your children made at school, and put a piece of tape over the monitor where your PC displays the time. We also require that you hand over any expensive rolex watches.

Once this phase has been completed, you're ready to start living like a time lord. We supply you with all the equipment you'll need to get started. Our specially engineered clocks go up to 13 o'clock. Our calendars are as big as zebra crossings. We'll even program the timer on your oven for you. Once done, you'll find that having that extra hour will be very useful.

If you're not convinced, just ask one of our many satisfied customers, such as Ned Sanders here:



"Hullo my name is Ned and I've been on the Extra Time system for about 2 years now. It's cool because I get to watch all my friends aging faster than me. They'll all be dead by the time I'm 55, which suits me because I hate them all. Plus, I use the extra hour to sleep, meaning I have many more sexy dreams than before. My boss sacked me for being an hour late everyday, but that's because she's an idiot who doesn't subscribe to Extra Time."

If that hasn't convinced you, how about all the extra life you're going to get?  With our program, you will recieve a guarenteed extra 15 days a year, which works out at around 3 brand new, never before used years over the course of a lifetime.  Can you imagine being 3 years younger than everyone in your class?  That's priceless, although we did put a reasonable price of £55.95 a month on it.

So, what will you do with all this free time? Will you spend time cherishing your loved ones? Will you start that project that you've never got round to? Will you start a second life in Barbados and run off with all your client's money? I know I would! Call today!

14 comments:

  1. Are zebra crossings notoriously large? This is a new but delightful expression I will be adopting. Along with this wonderful service! I can't wait to not celebrate anyone's birthday because I will be slowly time traveling.

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    Replies
    1. Zebra crossings are as large as the road they are on. What do you call them in the States?

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  2. You had me at "live like a Time Lord". Shut up and take my money. I don't even have any clocks really. But what will you do about the clock on my phone and on my Xbawx?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Goods with clocks that cannot be reprogrammed get confiscated. Funnily enough, this tends to include most of your expensive, high end tech goods such as PCs, phones, tablets, and soda streams.

      Delete
  3. If only I had a client with money I could run off with. Most people I know think I have money they want to run off with.

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    Replies
    1. Wait, you don't have money? Blocked!

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  4. I know I have complained about the lack of time lately Mr Addman, but I am keeping all my money in the box under my bed the key of which is hidden in the third draw of my bed side table where no ever looks.

    I do have a question though . . . . . exactly how old is young Ned; he appears to be no more that 15 on the surface but looks like he has the wisdom of an older man.

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    Replies
    1. Ned is a true enigma. He's either an old man trapped in a young man's bod, or a young man trapped in an old man's body.

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  5. Replies
    1. You already are signed up. Just wait until the clock strikes 13, then expect us!

      Delete
  6. But if the clock goes to 13 o'clock, does that mean you're throwing in a 26th hour for free? Oh man, I could finally fit two seasons of Downton Abbey into one day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you plan on watching Downton Abbey, we're going to take that extra time off of you. Usually, we don't mind if you want to waste time in this manner, but there are limits of acceptability.

      Delete
  7. Do you offer any rollover plans? Let's I don't use my extra hours for a week. Can I use them the next week and have a 32 hour long day?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. In fact, I'm saving all my time then I'm going to have one massive, 3 year long day at the end of my life.

      Delete

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