Monday, 5 August 2013

Job Application

Dear Sir/Madam/Otherkin,

I am writing to you today, as you can plainly see by the words that you are reading in front of you.  The reason for my writing is that I am interested in the job you’re offering.  I have always dreamed of becoming an “Operations Operative”, and in no way do I believe that this is a fancy term for a general dogsbody.

I have plenty of experience as an “Operations Operative” in that I regularly undertake operations.  I am skilled at removing a client’s gall bladder in a back alley in exchange for cash.  I am adept at moving these organs around on the white market, the completely legitimate counterpart legal market upon which many legal items are bought and sold legally.

I am also very used to having operations done on me, and I have a remarkable recovery rate from some of the most ridiculous injuries in human history.  In fact, I hold the record for most number of appearances on The Planet’s Funniest Penguin Maulings. Just last month I was injured whilst trying to fence a swordfish.  To be fair though, his brother, a hammerhead shark named Graham, did a terrible job on my nanna’s loft conversion and I was merely exacting revenge.  He had a distinct advantage though because those flimsy fencing swords don’t slice through the water very easily.

Anyway, I have a unique skillset that would make me an ideal candidate for this position.  I can hold my breath for over 40 seconds, I can blink faster than anyone I know, and my fingers are double-jointed which makes them incredibly pliable.  This is not a result of inbreeding, as was suggested to me by my childhood friends, but is a result of being superhuman.  I am the next stage in human evolution, which is something you can use to bolster your Equal Opportunities portfolio.

This is a picture of me doing an interview.


If you are still in doubt, please find attached a list of references.  The first one is from my old boss who described me as “(un)forgettable”, and the second is a quote from my own mother (who knows me better than that?) who described me as “Not a thoroughly awful person”.  That happens to be the nicest thing she’s ever said about anyone.  Previously she had described our postman as “crustier than a wank sock”, so you can see how complimentary she can be.

If you do hire me for the position, please bear in mind that I will require early access to the office in order to practice my yoga stretches.  My mother doesn’t let me do them at home because it offends her, so I will need a key to the office and the alarm code.  My favourite position, the “Bare Hamster”, involves squatting nude over a working photocopier, so you might want to give a heads up to the cleaner or something.  I also find it difficult to start the day without having a daily office party.  Flat lager and sweat-stained clothes is the perfect pick-me-up, much better than a greasy fry up.

As you can tell from my application I am overly qualified for this position.  In fact, I’d wager that I could quite easily slot into the role of a rocket surgeon or a brain scientist, but I thought I’d slum it with you guys.  You should feel privileged to have someone like me on board.  I await your response and paycheques.

22 comments:

  1. Dear Employer,
    This is a letter of recommendation for Addman. Allow me, a complete stranger, to assure you the general voracity of all statements made in his cover letter, no matter how dubious. In addition to the skills listed, he probably didn't tell you that he has Twerked with Beyonce's baby, or that he punched out an anamatronic mouse running amok in the streets of EuroDisney. That is because he is humble.
    I'd say hire him just to see the Bare Hamster in action. Trust me, you'll never forget that image.

    Sincerely,
    The most credible of sources, an anthropomorphic pickle with antlers and a drinking problem

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for vouching for me. Next time you need a signature in different handwriting, be sure to let me know.

      Delete
  2. Watch your back, my friend. I'm gunning for this job as well, and I have one thing you don't. I'm the hiring manager's nephew. Which means that even though I don't want this job and I won't make any reasonable attempt at even trying to perform my job duties, I'm going to get it without question, and everyone who broke their backs to prepare a cover letter, look up the company, dress up, and go through an intense 1 hour interview isn't even being considered.

    It's like, God, get your OWN uncle...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn you! I can't even get a job at Burger King because of people's interferring uncles! I'm calling for a boycott on all uncles everywhere. Down with uncles!

      Delete
  3. There's obviously some shady business going on if you don't at least get considered for this job. The "bare hamster" is an incredibly difficult position to uphold, and if what you say is true, you're looking at a bright future with the company.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. I've spent my first month's wage on a big party to celebrate me getting the job. I'm just hoping that no interferring uncles get in my way.

      Delete
  4. Although I for one would love to offer you a job I noticed something rather worrying in the picture, you appear to have a huge hand and if the other one is the same size then our regulation gloves will simply not fit. And you state a Firm Handshake with a arrow pointing at the huge hand, well those hands are just going to crush the normal hands of the entire work force. I simply can not employ a man with huge killer hands even if his ability to balance nude on a photocopier would under normal circumstances put you at the top of the list.

    Have you considered becoming a Handyman . . . . . .HAH HAH HHAHAHH AH HAH AHH AH AH HAH AH AHHAh ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ah ah hah aha hah ah h ahha hah ahh ha ha ha ha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can have hand reduction surgery! In fact, I'm whittling my hands down to a more manageable size right now! I can change, I swear I can change!

      Delete
  5. Dear Prospective Employee.

    Thankyou for your application for the above position as positioned above.

    It is with regretful regret that we must decline you application with extreme prejudice as we are a multi-nation conglomerate doing whatever it is that we do and have since filled the role as advertised.

    The successful applicant, Mr Bubbles, is a chimpanzee who, unlike the further deatils in your references, DOES NOT fling his poo at fellow workers nor insist on being paid in anything other than nuts and banana's.

    Thankyou for your interest in this position and please don't hesitate to apply for our other roles as per the link below.


    link: officejobs/basementlevel/punchbag/postroomgimp.app
    link: officejobs/subbasementlevel/shitlicker.app
    link: officejobs/subbasement/paperclip-unfolder.app

    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw Mr Bubbles waiting to interview and to be fair, he was totally the best candidate by far. I mean, any monkey wearing a tie has got to be worth something, and those PG tips chimps managed to hold down full time jobs.

      Delete
  6. I hope you can handle the speed with which the job offers are going to come flying your way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if I can. I think I need to hire a secretary to sort them out for me. You're hired!

      Delete
  7. If I was the one doing the hiring and I got your application, I'd hire you without even interviewing you first.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, that's great to know. Have you got any jobs going?

      Delete
  8. Typically when I need surgery I go to a doctor but you seem like a real go-getter. I'll give you call the next time I need to go under the knife. You have your own knife right? If not that's a deal breaker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If by knife you mean pizza cutter, then yes! Feel free to stop by anytime you like. I'll even attach some free gills if you like.

      Delete
  9. You're hired. When can you start?

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already have. DUN DUN DUNNNN!

      Delete
  10. You're perfect, just perfect. You're hired x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another job? As soon as I perfect the cloning technique, I'd be glad to join your business.

      Delete
  11. I have a theory. I write so much about jobs, working and interviews because I am unhappy in my current position and I am looking for something more challenging. Or perhaps that I'm really just incredibly lazy and I secretly hope my boss will find my blog and fire me and then I can lay on the couch and eat cheese puffs and drink beer all day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the second theory is more likely. I'm not saying you're lazy or anything, but, well, you are. At least from what you've told me. Don't hurt me!

      Oh wait, you won't because you're too lazy. Never mind.

      Delete

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