I am writing to you regarding your on-going employment tribunal. It is with regret that I have to inform you that your employment with Paper Supplies Ltd has been terminated. This is due to a number of incidents which you have been party to, including:
1. Slashing paper deliveries with your adamantium claws whilst trying to open the boxes. This has led to a loss in profits due to the sheer amounts of damaged stock.
2. Daring the warehouse drivers to run you over. Several forklift trucks have been rendered out of action because of this reckless behaviour. Even after the drivers refused to do this anymore, you took it upon yourself to leap in front of them as a practical joke.
3. Taking the magnets off of the fridge and sticking them to your hands. This is theft of company property and shall not be tolerated.
4. Clearing toilet blockages and not washing your claws afterwards.
|Better learn some responsibilities Wolverine!|
5. Tearing off your flesh through “extreme boredom” in corporate meetings and in front of potential clients. I understand that this is a painless act for you as your skin rapidly grows back, but it is distressing for anyone who is unfamiliar with your regenerative abilities.
6. Filleting fish at your desk for your part time venture as a fishmonger. Using company time for self-employed interests is against policy, plus it stinks up the break room something nasty.
7. Stabbing a supervisor during a company fun day because you didn’t want to get off the bouncy castle and let the children have a go. He will not be able to “walk it off” as you’ve severed one of his tendons and he will never stand again. The thousands he has raised as a fun runner so far can never be added to, thanks to you.
8. Cutting your trousers into shorts is highly inappropriate, even on hot days, and destroys your company uniform. This is considered damage to company property and you are liable for the costs.
9. Refusing to wear your overalls and instead wearing a sweat-stained vest at all times. Plus, your grossly unkempt sideburns received several complaints from other employees and cause a colony of fleas to move into the office.
Due to this impressive rap sheet, I’m sure you can understand our decision to terminate your employment with us. Despite your glowing reference from Mr Xavier, I’m afraid to say that you have proven to be unsuitable for the position during your two week tenure, and it is at this point that we have to part ways. We wish you all the very best in the future.
P.S. please pick up your motorbike from the lobby. It’s leaking oil all over the place.
**Please note that submissions for the 300th Post Spectacular have now closed. If you've no idea what I'm talking about, please see here.