I am writing to you regarding your on-going employment tribunal. It is with regret that I have to inform you that your employment with Paper Supplies Ltd has been terminated. This is due to a number of incidents which you have been party to, including:
1. Slashing paper deliveries with your adamantium claws whilst trying to open the boxes. This has led to a loss in profits due to the sheer amounts of damaged stock.
2. Daring the warehouse drivers to run you over. Several forklift trucks have been rendered out of action because of this reckless behaviour. Even after the drivers refused to do this anymore, you took it upon yourself to leap in front of them as a practical joke.
3. Taking the magnets off of the fridge and sticking them to your hands. This is theft of company property and shall not be tolerated.
4. Clearing toilet blockages and not washing your claws afterwards.
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| Better learn some responsibilities Wolverine! |
5. Tearing off your flesh through “extreme boredom” in corporate meetings and in front of potential clients. I understand that this is a painless act for you as your skin rapidly grows back, but it is distressing for anyone who is unfamiliar with your regenerative abilities.
6. Filleting fish at your desk for your part time venture as a fishmonger. Using company time for self-employed interests is against policy, plus it stinks up the break room something nasty.
7. Stabbing a supervisor during a company fun day because you didn’t want to get off the bouncy castle and let the children have a go. He will not be able to “walk it off” as you’ve severed one of his tendons and he will never stand again. The thousands he has raised as a fun runner so far can never be added to, thanks to you.
8. Cutting your trousers into shorts is highly inappropriate, even on hot days, and destroys your company uniform. This is considered damage to company property and you are liable for the costs.
9. Refusing to wear your overalls and instead wearing a sweat-stained vest at all times. Plus, your grossly unkempt sideburns received several complaints from other employees and cause a colony of fleas to move into the office.
Due to this impressive rap sheet, I’m sure you can understand our decision to terminate your employment with us. Despite your glowing reference from Mr Xavier, I’m afraid to say that you have proven to be unsuitable for the position during your two week tenure, and it is at this point that we have to part ways. We wish you all the very best in the future.
P.S. please pick up your motorbike from the lobby. It’s leaking oil all over the place.
**Please note that submissions for the 300th Post Spectacular have now closed. If you've no idea what I'm talking about, please see here.
Poor guy just can't catch a break. I do wonder about the day jobs of superheroes. I don't think that the superhero business is a really profitable thing. I've often wondered how the X-Men afforded all that stuff. Xavier had a lot of money from his days as a doctor and had a large inheritance from his parents (what hero doesn't?) but that money had to run out eventually. At least Mr Fantastic was a scientist and could sell his inventions for cash.
ReplyDeleteI think money is the best superpower. Just ask Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark.
DeleteWolverine can sod off.
ReplyDeleteApart from the fact that Mrs H goes all soppy when ever she see's HUGH Jackass (or whatever he's called) he's bloody everywhere in comics. Even to the point where currently he is - in hell fighting deamons, Japan fighting samurai, New york dicking about with the avengers trying to catch Cable Aaaaaaand being headmaster of the Skool for mootants.
He's a right nobhead.
His kid hates him and keeps trying to kill him, so does his brother, his best mate Cyclops is at war with him and he just goes around claiming to be the "best at what he does".... which is pissing people off.. including ME.
The day I get my super powers I'm going to kick him in the nuts with my super hob nail boots of justice.
Wow, a lot of hate for Wolverine there. To be fair though, I agree with just about everything you just said. Also, where can I get some hob nail boots of justice?
DeleteHob nail boots of Justice can not be bought. They are formed during the never ending standing around in queues at the post office waiting for the idiot infront of you to buy a bloody stamp, the countless times you have to wipe your feet on a some grass after stepping in dogs mess that some a-hole hasn't picked up... and tripping up over cables, bikes, heart attack victims in the street.... I really wish the council would do something about that.
DeleteHe should work for a tuna plant. I hear that canned tuna is hardly made of tuna at all. He could just add his skin-shavings to the supply and save the company millions on fishing costs. He won't have to worry either because his skin will just grow back anyway.
ReplyDeleteThat could work. As we've already discovered, Wolverine is very good at filleting fish.
DeleteOOoooooooooooooooooo I do like to stick a few fridge magnets to my hands, although only at night in a dark kitchen occasionally lit by a small chink of light as I open and close the fridge.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are doing the right thing, sack him he is rubbish at football (No hang on that is Wolverhampton)
But both of them are Wanderers.
DeleteThat was a stretch, I'm sorry. Won't happen again.
That wolverine is really incorrigible. Not so much employable though.
ReplyDeleteUnless you employ him to scratch your back.
DeleteWolverine needs the heeling factor, because imagine whenever he masturbates, inevitably upon orgasm, he's going to snikt, thus damaging his thighs. Also, because of his insanely heavy adamantium frame, he needs a reinforced toilet. What business can afford that many toilets?
ReplyDeleteWell done on taking the poo and masturbation angles before me.
Delete