But anyway, since the advent of Netflix I have found myself watching many more films than usual. Too many films. So many films in fact, that my brain has been reprogrammed with movie logic. For example, I don’t mind if the police destroy whole cities in shootouts and take countless lives as long as they catch the criminals. I don’t question why the eagles don’t just fly everyone to Mordor in the first place. I also know that, if I have a fight with Mrs Addman because I’ve been a colossal cock face, I just have to propose in a public place to resolve it.
Anyway, I think it is safe to assume that my movie enthusiasm is the perfect catalyst for great film ideas. Somewhere in the recesses of my cranium exists a Hollywood Blockbuster worth eleventy-billion pounds. Like throwing spaghetti at a wall, I’m going to throw some ideas out there and see if any stick.
Title: You Me Marley & Me and Dupree
Genre: Dogmantic Buddy Comedy
Pitch: Owen Wilson stars as Owen Wilson’s ill-mannered dog that comes to stay with newlyweds Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson is initially annoyed at Owen Wilson chewing the sofa and disrupting his sexy times with Owen Wilson. Eventually, Owen Wilson comes to care for Owen Wilson, who then dies of a twisted stomach.
 |
| With your donations we can give Owen Wilson the life-saving stomach surgery he needs. |
Title: Kramer vs Predator
Genre: Action/Family
Pitch: Dustin Hoffman has to save his son from a predatory alien (Meryl Streep) who is hunting them for sport. The film culminates in Hoffman covering himself in mud while shouting “GET TO DA CHOPPAH!”
Title: The Dark Knight’s Tale
Genre: Action/Comedy
Pitch: Heath Ledger plays a medieval knight who has to kill The Joker (Heath Ledger) and save the kingdom. Unfortunately, Heath Ledger as an actor dies before filming can be completed, so other actors are drafted in to complete the film. This is explained in film through several face transplants which happen for inexplicable reasons.
Title: Beverley Hills Chupacabra
Genre: Monster/Vapid
Pitch: Dazzled by the glamour of Hollywood, a mythical, goat-killing beast tries to make it big on the silver screen.
 |
| Chupacabra: Before The Bling |
Title: Whaling Boats
Genre: Kids/Whaling boats
Pitch: From Disney/Pixar comes a heart-warming tale in which a small fishing trawler (voiced by Steve Carrell) dreams of carrying dead whale carcasses on his back. With the help of his Japanese friends, they eventually upgrade him to the point where he is able to drag a thrashing leviathan from the depths of the ocean, and slowly allow it bleed out for two hours, on screen, in front of an audience of captivated kids. Children will marvel at the way Greenpeace ships are crushed in order to get at that succulent whale blubber.
That’s all the ideas that I have today. However, I would love to hear what you, my dear readers, can come up with. You guys have proven time and time again to be a resourceful and imaginative bunch, so hit me with your best movie pitches!
The Whaling Boats would still be less offensive than the crows in Dumbo. I would see You Me Marley and Me and Dupree, but Owen Wilson gives me a sad whenever I see him ever since his suicide attempt.
ReplyDeleteMy pitch: "Stretched" the tale of an aging actress who has so many plastic surgeries that her face is frozen into a rictus grin, and her inability to change her expression drives her mad. Don't worry, it'll be a romp.
"Robobaby"--A baby born to an robotics engineer "falls" down the stairs (his mom is having postpartum depression). His father does what he can to save the baby by affixing the baby with robotics. The baby goes on to fight crime with his half-robotic body, shooting milk out of his hand-cannon and projectile pooping with an accuracy of a tomahawk missile. It ends tragically, though as the robotics do not grow with the child and he become horribly disfigured.
Robobaby sounds fantastic. I've always wanted to see a film that doesn't shy away from the augmented child issue.
Delete
ReplyDeleteI hope You Me Marley & Me and Dupree has at least a guest appearance by Vince Vaughn. Those two are inseparable.
Office Sapce Jam: Jon Livingston passes the time by engaging folks in witty banter about the tediosity of his cubicle job until an alien race appears in the office and steals the talent of the best waste basket shooters in the building. They then challenge the office to a waste basket shooting tournament. Michael Jordan appears and quickly finds out that shooting crumpled up paper at waste baskets is nothing like playing basketball. The office loses and is enslaved for eternity. Also, Jennifer Aniston has a brief scene where she continuously taps her index finger to her temple while repeatedly stuttering, "Oh!"
There will be a Vince Vaughan character, but played by Owen Wilson.
DeleteOffice Space Jam sounds great, but may I suggest that Daffy Duck's beak spins round several times throughout the film, when he gets hit.
I would actually watch a Chupacabra movie. No fooling. Although the Knights Tale one kinda sounds like there's some Face/Off in there too. I would also definitely watch a movie where Owen Wilson plays at least four roles. If Eddie Murphy can do it, he can.
ReplyDeleteEven if you hate Owen Wilson, a movie with just him in would be infinitely more watchable than one of Eddie Murphy's.
DeleteMy film would be Inner Walking Fuzz...minute aliens invade the people of earth by implanting themselves inside humans and controlling them by driving their little spaceships around their bodies and barking commands. their spaceships are made from a material that is poisonous to humans and those who are invaded die but the alien keeps them alive. not enough food in the spaceships sends the aiens delirious and they go on a killing spree. there is only one cop who can save the universe and its simon pegg not will smith and he and his side kick thingymajig go on a rampage and blow everything up.
ReplyDeleteThat is one of the craziest things I've ever read. Considering that we're on Muppets For Justice, that's no small feat. Commissioned!
DeleteChiz beat me to the Vince Vaughn joke.
ReplyDeleteI want to see Con Air Bud. Nicolas Cage stars as a convict that must teach a golden retriever how to catch a football in order to win the prison yard football championship.
Could Nicholas Cage play the golden retriever? I'd love to see him with floppy dog fur on his head.
DeleteI have this brilliant idea for a film called The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor, produced and directed by Steven Spielberg. Sadly the main stumbling point is Steven Spielberg says I'm an IDIOT. So I have started to collect money to make it independently, so far I have 27p.........
ReplyDeleteOoooooo who is Owen Wilson is he related to Harold Wilson the well known sixties politician, and you should avoid being naked near film...... You can get a nasty film clip . . . .HAH HAHAH HHAH HAHHAH HAHHA HA Hhha ha ha ha ha ha ha
27p could pay for the letter T in the opening titles of your movie. It's a start anyway. Have you considered hiring M. Night Shyalmalan instead?
DeleteI would fun all of these. I'm pretty sure the Owen Wilson one has already been made by Adam Sandler though x
ReplyDeleteDid Adam Sandler get a twisted stomach at the end? If so, I could watch this film.
Delete