Some More Pointers On Last Night’s Orgy

Hello everyone!  I’d like to start by congratulating all the participants in last night’s orgy.  It would seem that many of you have taken my previous comments on board and, as such, I felt that the whole orgy experience was much improved.  Go team!

However, I’m sure many of you will call me a nit-picking nancy for this, but there were still a few niggles that I would like to see addressed.  For those that haven’t blocked me yet, please consider these minor points for next week’s gathering:

1)  You are all required to bring food to the orgy, no exceptions.  In the midst of steamy session, we all feel the need for nibbles.  It helps us push through that pain barrier caused by strenuous exercise.  Those who do not bring food, then proceed to empty a whole tube of Pringles by themselves are doing us all a disservice.  You need to contribute, people!

2)  Speaking of Pringles, empty tubes do not count as prophylactics.  Neither do bin bags, cling film, nor hollowed out baguettes.  If you aren’t coming equipped with the correct contraceptives, don’t expect to get any action.

If I used a Pringles can as a sheath, it would have to be a Super Stack

3)  This is not a pet hotel.  I’m sick and tired of being drooled over by a Doberman when I’m trying to enjoy myself.  The final straw was when said spittle-dried dog tried to join in, meaning that I had to lock it in the garage for the rest of the evening.  People, please find a sitter for your pets if they cannot be left home alone.

4)  I take a lot of pride in my appearance, as do most who attend.  However, I would like a little bit of acknowledgment when I’ve made an exceptional effort.  Last night I had shaved a lovely design into my pubis as a special treat, and people refused to comment on it.  I understand that a swastika may be a little extreme, but I was merely trying to draw a comparison between sex and fascism, hoping to raise a philosophical discussion.  Perhaps it went over most of your heads.

5)  The playlist is set for the evening and cannot be altered.  Do not ask me if I can put Lady Gaga on again.  Not only is it an insult to music, but most attendees would prefer the soothing tones of a classical piece to your horrible pop lullabys.  I always perform better to Rachmaninoff’s Flight Of The Bluebottle, and I’m sure my sexual partners appreciate it too.

6)  Condoms do not flush.  I thought this would be common sense, but as of five minutes ago I was elbow deep in my tank trying to remove a slippery, rubber blockage.  I always put out specific jonny bins when I host an orgy, and I expect people to use them.  They’re not difficult to find.  There’s a prophylactic disposal point in every room, and a map in the hallway to guide you.

7)  Please don’t fiddle with my thermostat.  I like to keep the temperature at a balmy level to promote sweat and healthy pores for my guests.  Consider it a cross between a sauna and a workout.  If you are too warm, may I suggest going outside, making use of the outdoor pool, or if you’re feeling adventurous, the shed.  I already have a few hoes in there, so what’s one more (a little orgy joke for you there)?

8)  I understand that many people like to cry out whilst in the midst of an exciting sexual escapade, but please can people refrain from shouting “Oh God”?  We are a multi-faith orgy and respectful of all deities.  Your cries of passion might offend Vishnu.

 

Watchin' you fuck

9)  If I put a “Do Not Enter” sign on a door, I don’t expect people to enter and start making love on the bed.  As a result, I have a rather traumatised 6 year old who wants to know why naked people were bumping into each other over and over in his room.

10)  Spillages are a part of the lifestyle and I am rather used to cleaning any kind of bodily fluid from a rug, mattress or table cloth.  However,  please be careful while drinking red wine and rutting like squealing pigs.  I’m sure bonking with a glass of chardonnay in hand might help the wine ruminate in your glass, giving it a unique flavour, but cleaning it off my wallpaper is a chore and a half.  Please be more considerate.


Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I’m sure if we’re all a little more respectful, we can all have wonderful orgies in future.