Monday 16 September 2013

Some More Pointers On Last Night’s Orgy

Hello everyone!  I’d like to start by congratulating all the participants in last night’s orgy.  It would seem that many of you have taken my previous comments on board and, as such, I felt that the whole orgy experience was much improved.  Go team!

However, I’m sure many of you will call me a nit-picking nancy for this, but there were still a few niggles that I would like to see addressed.  For those that haven’t blocked me yet, please consider these minor points for next week’s gathering:

1)  You are all required to bring food to the orgy, no exceptions.  In the midst of steamy session, we all feel the need for nibbles.  It helps us push through that pain barrier caused by strenuous exercise.  Those who do not bring food, then proceed to empty a whole tube of Pringles by themselves are doing us all a disservice.  You need to contribute, people!

2)  Speaking of Pringles, empty tubes do not count as prophylactics.  Neither do bin bags, cling film, nor hollowed out baguettes.  If you aren’t coming equipped with the correct contraceptives, don’t expect to get any action.

If I used a Pringles can as a sheath, it would have to be a Super Stack


3)  This is not a pet hotel.  I’m sick and tired of being drooled over by a Doberman when I’m trying to enjoy myself.  The final straw was when said spittle-dried dog tried to join in, meaning that I had to lock it in the garage for the rest of the evening.  People, please find a sitter for your pets if they cannot be left home alone.

4)  I take a lot of pride in my appearance, as do most who attend.  However, I would like a little bit of acknowledgment when I’ve made an exceptional effort.  Last night I had shaved a lovely design into my pubis as a special treat, and people refused to comment on it.  I understand that a swastika may be a little extreme, but I was merely trying to draw a comparison between sex and fascism, hoping to raise a philosophical discussion.  Perhaps it went over most of your heads.

5)  The playlist is set for the evening and cannot be altered.  Do not ask me if I can put Lady Gaga on again.  Not only is it an insult to music, but most attendees would prefer the soothing tones of a classical piece to your horrible pop lullabys.  I always perform better to Rachmaninoff’s Flight Of The Bluebottle, and I’m sure my sexual partners appreciate it too.

6)  Condoms do not flush.  I thought this would be common sense, but as of five minutes ago I was elbow deep in my tank trying to remove a slippery, rubber blockage.  I always put out specific jonny bins when I host an orgy, and I expect people to use them.  They’re not difficult to find.  There’s a prophylactic disposal point in every room, and a map in the hallway to guide you.

7)  Please don’t fiddle with my thermostat.  I like to keep the temperature at a balmy level to promote sweat and healthy pores for my guests.  Consider it a cross between a sauna and a workout.  If you are too warm, may I suggest going outside, making use of the outdoor pool, or if you’re feeling adventurous, the shed.  I already have a few hoes in there, so what’s one more (a little orgy joke for you there)?

8)  I understand that many people like to cry out whilst in the midst of an exciting sexual escapade, but please can people refrain from shouting “Oh God”?  We are a multi-faith orgy and respectful of all deities.  Your cries of passion might offend Vishnu.

 
Watchin' you fuck


9)  If I put a “Do Not Enter” sign on a door, I don’t expect people to enter and start making love on the bed.  As a result, I have a rather traumatised 6 year old who wants to know why naked people were bumping into each other over and over in his room.

10)  Spillages are a part of the lifestyle and I am rather used to cleaning any kind of bodily fluid from a rug, mattress or table cloth.  However,  please be careful while drinking red wine and rutting like squealing pigs.  I’m sure bonking with a glass of chardonnay in hand might help the wine ruminate in your glass, giving it a unique flavour, but cleaning it off my wallpaper is a chore and a half.  Please be more considerate.


Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I’m sure if we’re all a little more respectful, we can all have wonderful orgies in future.

18 comments:

  1. Bring food? Do you know how long it takes to comb crumbs out of the dark and curlies? And as the host of the orgy, you really need to take responsibility and box up your child. Put him in a box and FedEx him back to yourself, that buys you at least three days of child-free orgying.

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    1. Hey, if you're under MY roof, you'll obey MY rules, even at a no-rules, free-for-all orgy!

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  2. Pringles at an orgy would be very similar to eating sandwiches on the beach where they get filled with grit or eating toast in bed.

    I am not a fan of orgies where the participants are covered in crisp crumbs, it would remind me of all those hug a hedgehog parties that folk used to have in the sixties.

    Have you considered restricting the food to softer things like curry and ice cream, both are very slippery.....

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    1. Most sloppy foods tend to be unhealthy, and generally don't get eaten by the image-concious orgy community. I did once serve mashed potato and custard only, but by the end of the evening no one could stand up on the slippy floors.

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  3. There are people who take their pets to orgies? I'm into a lot of stuff, and I know different people are into different things, but surely there must be some kind of universal orgy etiquette? Unless it's something that caters specifically to your tastes, don't assume people are going to be into the same stuff. Leave your pets and your niche fetishes at home.

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    1. That reminds me, human partners only please. The technophile guy who turned up last night absolutely ruined my Sky remote, and now it's stuck on God TV.

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  4. Oh my non-denominational deity, thank you. It's about time someone set some ground rules. And frankly, if you can't have a philosophical debate over a man's swastika emblazoned pubis, then it's like, what's the point, right?

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    1. I'm glad you agree. We should be able to hold more high brow orgies and discuss philosophical matter while blowing our beans everywhere. I like to have sex with the mind, I don't mean like that one maniac who tried to put it my ear that time.

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  5. I believe that the snacks should strictly be aphrodisiacs. Might I suggest strawberries, chocolate, and twinkies?

    Also, can we please tell Carl to remove his toe socks? They're quite distracting.

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    1. It wouldn't be so bad if he wore them on his feet.

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  6. Since I'm no longer on speaking terms with Vishnu I doubt he'll care if a scream or shout out the name of another god.

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    1. Since Vishnu is the preserver, I'd imagine him to be the calmer and most level-headed of all the gods. You must have done something special to piss him off.

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  7. Ohhhhh, the orgy was at your place last night. I had the wrong location. That explains a lot. Also, can I borrow some money for bail?

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    1. My place was the one with the big neon sign outside that said "Get It Here". Bit difficult to miss.

      However, I'm prepared to bail you out as long as I can chase you down Dog The Bounty Hunter style if you skip bail, and film it for TV.

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  8. Sounds like you had a blast.

    But personally I like it when someone fiddles with my thermostat.
    It gets me hot.

    Yeah. I did. I went there. I saw your hoe joke and raised you a joke about it being hot. Uh huh.

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    1. Oh, so we're playing like that huh? Well I found your joke a little bit salty.

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  9. Bring bacon. Not only is it delicious, but bacon grease makes for excellent lubrication.

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    1. Genius. Not to mention it will improve the taste.

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