Visiting the cinema is becoming an expensive affair these days. With the high prices of your average ticket, not to mention extra charges for the privilege of three dimensions, then the cost of 3D glasses, not to mention the cost of cinema food and drink, soon it'll only be the elite members of society who can afford to go.
This might seem like fantastic news for the aristocrats who want to watch their black and white, French avant-guarde motion pictures whilst flicking their overgrown moustaches without having some obnoxious teenager flicking popcorn around. They could use the spare seats to rest their canes on. However, the rest of the cinema-going population are going to be excluded. The movie business is going to have to change, giving people more value for their money.
I have come up with the solution to this problem. Why not simply combine two movies together? This would give the punters double the value for their money. Plus, old franchises could be revitalised by splicing them together. Here are just a few ideas that Hollywood can have for free (Plus VAT, plus tax, plus royalties, plus expenses, plus labour costs):
Jurassic Gosford Park
A mild mannered English tea party is interrupted by an implausible invasion of scaly monsters from the Jurassic period. Key scenes include eating dessert out of crystalised amber, and Maggie Smith mounting a velociraptor.
Groundhog Day After Tomorrow
Life on Earth gradually falls apart around Jake Gyllenhaal as tidal waves, earthquakes, and all manner of natural disasters ravage the globe. Then, life on Earth gradually falls apart around Jake Gyllenhaal as tidal waves, earthquakes, and all manner of natural disasters ravage the globe. Shortly after, life on Earth gradually falls apart around Jake Gyllenhaal as tidal waves, earthquakes, and all manner of natural disasters ravage the globe...
The Terminalator
A killer robot from the future finds himself trapped in a busy airport terminal due to a loophole on his passport (the country he comes from in the future doesn't exist in the present). Airport security try and detain him whilst he runs amok through the duty free shops, killing Catherine Zeta Jones in the process.
Monsters vs Aliens vs Predator
Children's CG caper in which cutsey aliens and wacky monsters are brutally dissected by an uncompromising, intergalactic game hunter from beyond our galaxy.
You, Marley and Me and Dupree
Owen Wilson plays Owen Wilson, co starring Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson in a screenplay by Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson buys a pet dog (played by Owen Wilson) to impress his new wife, Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson then has to leave the house after outstaying his welcome with Owen Wilson and Owen Wilson.
There's just a few of my ideas. Has anyone else got anything further to add? Feel free to contribute your own amalgamated movies.
Quite a fine list, though personally I'd rather see "The Mummy Returns to Neverland", in which Captain Hook's rule is challenged by a resurrected Pharaoh.
ReplyDelete