2014. The year of the peregrine falcon. A time when people used wheels to travel rather than suction tubes, and people were still born into families. This was a turbulent year for human existence, and one which shaped the present we know of today in 2114.
The year started off innocently enough when the human race finally created talking food. This technological achievement lead to a culinary revolution across the globe. Now, broccoli could inform the customer how long it takes to boil at which optimum temperature. Beef could demand to be tenderised, shouting at the chef to “put your back into it!” and calling them a “sissy nancy boy”. This lead to an increase in dinner parties around the world. Many famous chefs released their own talking dishes, until one of Gordon Ramsey’s Lamb Shanks was accused of telling a child to “Grind my fucking meat, you little cunt!”
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| What the first talking food products may have looked like. |
Despite this glorious start to the year, events quickly turned sour when the Apple corporation threatened to invade Ireland. Inspired by Ireland’s progressive business tax regime, Apple decided to take ownership of the entire country in order to prevent their rivals from benefitting from the same tax rates. Although the invasion was short lived, it was the swiftest and most brutal conflict in human history as Apple deployed their SmartTanks and their iICBMs, turning the whole country into an irradiated wasteland. After an initial assault of only 8 hours, 93% of the population had been obliterated. Apple ceased the invasion when it realised that there were few remaining natives to sell their products to. This event instilled the Irish with a deep-seated fear of Jobs, a fear which continues to this day.
Other global conflicts arose when the KONY 2 campaign kicked off on Kickstarter, trying to raise enough money to buy a rocket, strap Kony to it, and blast it into the sun. The campaign was so successful that many Kickstarter donators signed up their own children to fight against this global menace. Anyone who donated their child got a free signed photograph of the organiser waving his genitals at passing traffic. As a result, Kickstarter now owns the largest platoon of child soldiers on the planet, and plans to use them to reboot Bugsy Malone.
Speaking of reboots, 2014 was the year when movie reboots became a genre in themselves. Although we take movie reboots for granted these days, there was a time when less than 100% of films were reboots, and 2014 turned out to be the pivotal point. There were reboots of The Matrix, The Nutty Professor, Liar Liar, Flubber and Jumanji, each darker and grittier than the last.
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| Some men just want to watch the world gurn. |
Other than cinema, global culture was beginning to stagnate. Book publishers and ballet producers were unwilling or unable to make dark reboots of their famous classics, so a new form of culture had to be established. This new cultural phenomenon started out at street level and was universally derided upon its inception. Who could have dreamed that by 2114 it would be a multi-billion dollar industry with advocates stretching across the galaxy. That medium is, of course, Artistic Wanking. Although it is almost unthinkable in modern times that people were repulsed by this, back then it was the height of taboo and people were forced to wank in private like social pariahs.
Anyway, that’s all we have time for today. Join us next time on 2014 Retrospective where we’ll be looking at the coronation of North West, PSY’s song for Korean peace, and the day that people realised that PRISM was actually in their own interest.
