As someone who has viewed screens that have movies on them for, sometimes up to two hours in one sitting, it's quite surprising that more people haven't asked me for my opinions on films. Well, since I am an opinionated person with a Blog, I will inflict those opinions upon my readers.
However, we are all very busy people with far too little time on our hands. That's why I am going to keep my reviews short and limit them to one sentence maximum.
So anyway, here's a rundown of films I have seen this year, in one sentence or less:
Do they even use projectors anymore?
Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
Quite simply the funniest thing put to celluloid for years, and that's not a joke because I can't think of anything funnier than what's in this film.
The World's End
Not quite the funniest thing put to celluloid, but it has robots filled with blue stuff in it.
The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug
Fucking Legolas wasn't in the book, so the fact that he keeps fucking swanning around and saving every fucking fucker, is just a shrivelled rabbit turd on top of a delicious sundae.
Thor: The Dark World
Chris Hemsworth battles generic aliens again in the background while everyone pays attention to Tom Hiddleston.
Man Of Steel
They must have paid Russell Crowe a substantial amount, because the amount of times he comes back despite being dead suggests that the producers wanted their money's worth.
The Lone Ranger
Jack Sparrow vs Cowboys
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Benedict Cumberbatch cries, then rips people in two with his bare hands.
The Great Gatsby
Tobey Macguire earns his keep as a man who looks at everything with amazement and wonder.
Tobey, what wonder do your elf eyes see?
Captain Philips
Tom Hanks turns skinny in this fascinating hostage situation, but a Stockholme Syndrome-styled romantic plot wouldn't have gone amiss.
Saving Mr Banks
Tom Hanks looks a lot fatter in this.
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For anyone who wants a bit more Muppets For Justice action, or anyone who wants to learn a little bit more about my upcoming book, please go and check out Rob Z Tobor's blog, specifically this post. It's an interview about my upcoming ebook, which should hopefully prove humorous and insightful in equal measure.
Parents, it’s time to listen up. I'm sick to the back teeth of your pathetic
little womb-escapologists coming up to me and asking stupid questions like “are
you my real daddy?” “can you stop standing on my cat?” or “if you’re not
selling ice cream, why do you have a van and encourage children to climb inside?” The answers are far too complicated for their
puny brains to comprehend.
What I mean is, it’s time for all the parents out there to
take control of their kids. That’s why
I’ve decided to give out some much needed parenting advice online. I am fully versed on the subject of
childcare. I’ve watched enough 80’s Hollywood
movies in which self made bachelors end up caring for a child in unlikely
circumstances, too many in fact. In other words, I
reckon I know which end of a child to wipe (answer: both). Anyway, here are some hapless parents who
need some tender loving advice:
Gemma Driveway – Calorie CounterDear Addman,My daughter is refusing to eat her greens. I gave her a plate full of delicious curried
sprouts, but she wouldn’t eat it. I even
gave her a green potato, but she claimed it was “mouldy” and wouldn’t eat the
damned thing. How can I guilt trip her
into eating my hastily prepared cuisine?
Dear Gemma,
I always tell my children (well, not my children,
but ones on opposite tables in restaurants) that for every pea they fail to
eat, a rabbit who could have eaten that pea, will die. Children love rabbits, so if they think
their actions might go towards the harm of rabbits, they’ll swiftly
change. If your child is particularly
stubborn, you can buy some pet rabbits and skin them alive, hanging them about
the place like a Turkish butcher’s window.
Children need visual reinforcement, you see. Failing that, sitting down to eat a fresh
rabbit pie should teach her the error of her ways.
Alaister Pigeon – Haemorrhoid Farmer
Dear Addman,
My son’s birthday is coming up soon. What should I get him as a present?
Dear Alaister,
You poor, naive, fool. In the same vein as Valentine’s Day or funerals,
birthdays are events orchestrated by greetings card companies to con the public
out of their hard earned money. However,
if you insist on getting a present, you can’t go far wrong with a shovel. Imagine how much fun they’d have shovelling
the driveway so daddy can go to work in the morning! Children also love to bury bones in the back
yard. Or is that dogs? I might be mistaking kids for dogs again,
like that time I left my nephew tied up in the garden.
Barry Shogun – Heavyweight Cardboard Boxer
Dear Addman,
My neighbour has two very rowdy young boys who
keep kicking a ball over my fence. They
then climb over the fence to fetch their ball back, without my permission. I tried to discuss this abhorrent behaviour with
their mother, who proceeded to hold my head down near her bottom and fart on
me. What can I do?
Dear Barry,
Easy, buy some mutant, electrified guard dogs. Next!
Stuart Pourer – Head Tester
Dear Addman,
My damn wife wants us to start a family
together. Despite my tendency to be in
and out of prison more often than a book library, Ingrid thinks it’s a great
idea for us to reproduce. I’ve told her
that I unofficially had the snip during a knife fight that didn’t go in my
favour, but she reckons that they can operate and fix this these days. How can I persuade her that kids are a bad
idea?
Dear Stuart,
Kids are always a bad idea. I don’t know who it was who invented kids,
but I’d force him to revise his blueprints.
Basically, they are stupid, miniature versions of yourself who are
protected, by law, from being forced to perform simple tasks for your own
profit. The only useful thing about kids
is that they provide a vessel through which you can pass your neuroses onto the
next generation. I hope that my
crippling fear of bananas will live on in my children, and my children’s
children, until one day, an army of my descendants rises up to destroy the
banana republic.
Anyway, the best way to put your spouse off is give her a
long list of made up congenital defects that are prevalent throughout your
family tree. Tell her about your great
grandfather who had an exploding spleen.
Regale her with tales of your uncle Norris who tragically passed away
after a severe case of eyelash cancer.
With enough horror stories like these, she’ll probably decide that inflicting
your children on the world is an unnecessary evil.
Nicole Papa – Cigarette Dispenser
Dear Addman,
My youngest child is fast approaching the age where I
have to give him “the talk”. Although
I’ve given this talk eleven times before, it never gets any easier. Are there any tips you can give me on this
matter?
Dear Nicole,
I never had “the talk” myself. I learned everything I needed to know about
sex from listening to Bloodhound Gang records.
In fact, it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I learned you could have
sex while facing each other, so maybe that particular band isn’t the best
example. I would recommend learning
through music though. Perhaps this video
from Tenacious D might educate your little one in how to behave during
intercourse:
Brian Herbie-White – Professional Playa Hater
Dear Addman,
My son is getting bullied at school. There’s a bigger kid who keeps stealing his
lunch money, throwing his new shoes on the sports hall roof, and pouring
spaghetti down his jumper. I wanted to
go to the school and tell them, but my son begged me not to, as he’s scared the
bullying will get worse. What can I do?
Dear Brian,
Your son needs to toughen up. When I was younger, me and my friends had
some trouble with bullies, so we took up wrestling. Mr Grainger down the road ran a free
wrestling class in his basement. We
couldn’t tell our parents or else it would spoil our wrestling powers, but Mr
Grainger taught us loads by throwing us around on a dirty mattress. He had an unusual technique, and wore nothing
but a vest while he wrestled, but it taught me some eye-watering
manoeuvres. My friends refused to go
back there, but I kept seeing him up until I was fourteen, when he mysteriously
moved house. Anyway, some combat
training might be the best solution for your son.
Alison Packard – Chief Designer Of Chiefs
Dear Addman,
I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two
children. Both my daughters want to
start gymkhana, but I have trouble even spelling it, let alone having the time
to take them to one every week. How can
I let my princesses down gently?
Dear Alison,
If there's one thing I know about little girls, it’s that they hate riding horses with a passion. I don’t know what your
daughters think a gymkhana is, but I think you should set them straight. Then they’ll take up more appropriate girl
hobbies, like running up gigantic phone bills, fantasising about teachers, and
learning dance moves in the hopes of getting laid at the school disco.
Marissa Duracell – Child Photographer
My child has been really ill and has been bedbound
for a couple of weeks now. She keeps
spewing out green slime, turning her head round 360 degrees, and I’ve
occasionally caught her crawling around on the ceiling, shouting swear
words. The doctors have prescribed
Ritalin, but it doesn’t seem to do much.
What can I do?
Dear Marissa,
I think I saw a movie that was about this once. Do her symptoms include masturbating with a
crucifix, and an aversion to Holy Water?
If so, I think you might find the answer in an old, yet rather
controversial movie.
I think the movie was called Big.
In it, Tom Hanks wishes he was older, which comes true overnight,
leaving him in an adult’s body. I think
that your little girl is becoming a woman, and her terrible behaviour is a
result of the growing pains of adolescence.
You need to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, explain to her
about the changes her body will go through, then slap her repeatedly until she
stops being so repellent.
That’s all for now. Join me next
time when I’ll be teaching people how hitting your kids is bad as you might
hurt your hand, and how to handle a toddler who has set fire to himself. Good bye!
