Your Parenting Problems – Spanked

Parents, it’s time to listen up.  I'm sick to the back teeth of your pathetic little womb-escapologists coming up to me and asking stupid questions like “are you my real daddy?” “can you stop standing on my cat?” or “if you’re not selling ice cream, why do you have a van and encourage children to climb inside?”  The answers are far too complicated for their puny brains to comprehend.

What I mean is, it’s time for all the parents out there to take control of their kids.  That’s why I’ve decided to give out some much needed parenting advice online.  I am fully versed on the subject of childcare.  I’ve watched enough 80’s Hollywood movies in which self made bachelors end up caring for a child in unlikely circumstances, too many in fact.  In other words, I reckon I know which end of a child to wipe (answer: both).  Anyway, here are some hapless parents who need some tender loving advice:

Gemma Driveway – Calorie Counter Dear Addman, My daughter is refusing to eat her greens.  I gave her a plate full of delicious curried sprouts, but she wouldn’t eat it.  I even gave her a green potato, but she claimed it was “mouldy” and wouldn’t eat the damned thing.  How can I guilt trip her into eating my hastily prepared cuisine?

Dear Gemma,

I always tell my children (well, not my children, but ones on opposite tables in restaurants) that for every pea they fail to eat, a rabbit who could have eaten that pea, will die.  Children love rabbits, so if they think their actions might go towards the harm of rabbits, they’ll swiftly change.  If your child is particularly stubborn, you can buy some pet rabbits and skin them alive, hanging them about the place like a Turkish butcher’s window.  Children need visual reinforcement, you see.  Failing that, sitting down to eat a fresh rabbit pie should teach her the error of her ways.

Alaister Pigeon – Haemorrhoid Farmer

Dear Addman,

My son’s birthday is coming up soon.  What should I get him as a present?

Dear Alaister,

You poor, naive, fool.  In the same vein as Valentine’s Day or funerals, birthdays are events orchestrated by greetings card companies to con the public out of their hard earned money.  However, if you insist on getting a present, you can’t go far wrong with a shovel.  Imagine how much fun they’d have shovelling the driveway so daddy can go to work in the morning!  Children also love to bury bones in the back yard.  Or is that dogs?  I might be mistaking kids for dogs again, like that time I left my nephew tied up in the garden.

Barry Shogun – Heavyweight Cardboard Boxer

Dear Addman,

My neighbour has two very rowdy young boys who keep kicking a ball over my fence.  They then climb over the fence to fetch their ball back, without my permission.  I tried to discuss this abhorrent behaviour with their mother, who proceeded to hold my head down near her bottom and fart on me.  What can I do?

Dear Barry,

Easy, buy some mutant, electrified guard dogs.  Next!

Stuart Pourer – Head Tester

Dear Addman,

My damn wife wants us to start a family together.  Despite my tendency to be in and out of prison more often than a book library, Ingrid thinks it’s a great idea for us to reproduce.  I’ve told her that I unofficially had the snip during a knife fight that didn’t go in my favour, but she reckons that they can operate and fix this these days.  How can I persuade her that kids are a bad idea?

Dear Stuart,

Kids are always a bad idea.  I don’t know who it was who invented kids, but I’d force him to revise his blueprints.  Basically, they are stupid, miniature versions of yourself who are protected, by law, from being forced to perform simple tasks for your own profit.  The only useful thing about kids is that they provide a vessel through which you can pass your neuroses onto the next generation.  I hope that my crippling fear of bananas will live on in my children, and my children’s children, until one day, an army of my descendants rises up to destroy the banana republic. 

Anyway, the best way to put your spouse off is give her a long list of made up congenital defects that are prevalent throughout your family tree.  Tell her about your great grandfather who had an exploding spleen.  Regale her with tales of your uncle Norris who tragically passed away after a severe case of eyelash cancer.  With enough horror stories like these, she’ll probably decide that inflicting your children on the world is an unnecessary evil.

Nicole Papa – Cigarette Dispenser

Dear Addman,

My youngest child is fast approaching the age where I have to give him “the talk”.  Although I’ve given this talk eleven times before, it never gets any easier.  Are there any tips you can give me on this matter?

Dear Nicole,

I never had “the talk” myself.  I learned everything I needed to know about sex from listening to Bloodhound Gang records.  In fact, it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I learned you could have sex while facing each other, so maybe that particular band isn’t the best example.  I would recommend learning through music though.  Perhaps this video from Tenacious D might educate your little one in how to behave during intercourse:

Brian Herbie-White – Professional Playa Hater

Dear Addman,

My son is getting bullied at school.  There’s a bigger kid who keeps stealing his lunch money, throwing his new shoes on the sports hall roof, and pouring spaghetti down his jumper.  I wanted to go to the school and tell them, but my son begged me not to, as he’s scared the bullying will get worse.  What can I do?

Dear Brian,

Your son needs to toughen up.  When I was younger, me and my friends had some trouble with bullies, so we took up wrestling.  Mr Grainger down the road ran a free wrestling class in his basement.  We couldn’t tell our parents or else it would spoil our wrestling powers, but Mr Grainger taught us loads by throwing us around on a dirty mattress.  He had an unusual technique, and wore nothing but a vest while he wrestled, but it taught me some eye-watering manoeuvres.  My friends refused to go back there, but I kept seeing him up until I was fourteen, when he mysteriously moved house.  Anyway, some combat training might be the best solution for your son.

Alison Packard – Chief Designer Of Chiefs

Dear Addman,

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  Both my daughters want to start gymkhana, but I have trouble even spelling it, let alone having the time to take them to one every week.  How can I let my princesses down gently?

Dear Alison,

If there's one thing I know about little girls, it’s that they hate riding horses with a passion.  I don’t know what your daughters think a gymkhana is, but I think you should set them straight.  Then they’ll take up more appropriate girl hobbies, like running up gigantic phone bills, fantasising about teachers, and learning dance moves in the hopes of getting laid at the school disco.

Marissa Duracell – Child Photographer

My child has been really ill and has been bedbound for a couple of weeks now.  She keeps spewing out green slime, turning her head round 360 degrees, and I’ve occasionally caught her crawling around on the ceiling, shouting swear words.  The doctors have prescribed Ritalin, but it doesn’t seem to do much.  What can I do?

Dear Marissa,

I think I saw a movie that was about this once.  Do her symptoms include masturbating with a crucifix, and an aversion to Holy Water?  If so, I think you might find the answer in an old, yet rather controversial movie. 

I think the movie was called Big.  In it, Tom Hanks wishes he was older, which comes true overnight, leaving him in an adult’s body.  I think that your little girl is becoming a woman, and her terrible behaviour is a result of the growing pains of adolescence.  You need to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, explain to her about the changes her body will go through, then slap her repeatedly until she stops being so repellent.

That’s all for now.  Join me next time when I’ll be teaching people how hitting your kids is bad as you might hurt your hand, and how to handle a toddler who has set fire to himself.  Good bye!