However, we are all very busy people with far too little time on our hands. That's why I am going to keep my reviews short and limit them to one sentence maximum.
So anyway, here's a rundown of films I have seen this year, in one sentence or less:
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| Do they even use projectors anymore? |
Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
Quite simply the funniest thing put to celluloid for years, and that's not a joke because I can't think of anything funnier than what's in this film.
The World's End
Not quite the funniest thing put to celluloid, but it has robots filled with blue stuff in it.
The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug
Fucking Legolas wasn't in the book, so the fact that he keeps fucking swanning around and saving every fucking fucker, is just a shrivelled rabbit turd on top of a delicious sundae.
Thor: The Dark World
Chris Hemsworth battles generic aliens again in the background while everyone pays attention to Tom Hiddleston.
Man Of Steel
They must have paid Russell Crowe a substantial amount, because the amount of times he comes back despite being dead suggests that the producers wanted their money's worth.
The Lone Ranger
Jack Sparrow vs Cowboys
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Benedict Cumberbatch cries, then rips people in two with his bare hands.
The Great Gatsby
Tobey Macguire earns his keep as a man who looks at everything with amazement and wonder.
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| Tobey, what wonder do your elf eyes see? |
Captain Philips
Tom Hanks turns skinny in this fascinating hostage situation, but a Stockholme Syndrome-styled romantic plot wouldn't have gone amiss.
Saving Mr Banks
Tom Hanks looks a lot fatter in this.
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For anyone who wants a bit more Muppets For Justice action, or anyone who wants to learn a little bit more about my upcoming book, please go and check out Rob Z Tobor's blog, specifically this post. It's an interview about my upcoming ebook, which should hopefully prove humorous and insightful in equal measure.
The Hobbit one was hilarious. I think I can sum up some of these with one word: Crap.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there's at least three that could be summed up in such a fashion. However, as a critic, I felt such a short review would be doing my readers an injustice. So I gave them around two more words. That's an increase of 200%.
DeleteCumberbatch tears people apart with his bare hands? I need to see that movie. I really need to see that movie.
ReplyDeleteWell figuritively speaking he does. He plays an unstoppable killing machine who absolutely annihilates everyone.
DeleteIf you would like to see Cumberbatch tear someone apart with his bare hands, subcribe to my kickstarter and petition Cumberbatch to accept my calls.
Well, someone has to revive Orlando Bloom's career, even if it means Peter Jackson rewriting a world-reknowned, literary classic so an awful, wealthy actor can continue to be awful and wealthy.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a shame because I really enjoyed the movie otherwise. I don't think even Tolkien liked the elves in his universe, since they seem to betray everyone and run away at every opportunity.
DeleteMy kind of movie reviews. Short and sweet.
ReplyDeleteThink of these as the McDonalds of movie reviews. They're cheap, unfulfilling, and nothing compared to the real thing. Plus, they're supported by a creepy clown.
DeleteYour review of Star Trek could have just simply been "Benedict Cumberbatch." That tells you everything.
ReplyDeleteAlso, The Great Gatsby could be summed up this way as well: "Leonardo DiCaprio is ungodly rich, beloved, and throws amazing parties with gorgeous women every night and we should all somehow feel sorry for him." Or maybe "Jay Z ruins everything by rapping over classic literature."
Cheers to the ebook! Those drawings are just awesome, and if the cover contains something like that, you'll have a bestseller for sure.
I've always tried to make a living through rapping over classic literature, but got banned from the library after decribing the Bronte sisters as "bitch-ass hoes".
DeleteThose drawings are property of Rob Z Tobor and, while amazingly awesome, I couldn't possibly profit from them. In fact, he's a talented artist. If you scroll through his Blog you should see some examples.
Think of the drawing as yours to do what you want with Mr Addman . . . . .Although if you make millions I might turn up and make rude gestures through your windows . . . . . assuming I can get over the electric gates and past the dogs.
DeleteThat's very kind of you. I will see how eInk copes with real ink and perhaps use it in some capacity.
DeleteI have not seen any of these films. I think that says much about my film watching abilities.
ReplyDeleteHay the interview was good, that guy really knows the right questions to ask I think he said you were going to send the cheque once it was posted, although apparently if you send him cash he will knock the VAT off and give you some discount.....
I agree. You were like Jeremy Paxman in that interview, the way you kept quizzing me about my towels.
DeleteAs for the cheque, no one uses them anymore. I'll pay via contactless payment, meaning that the payment won't ever make contact with your bank account. It's the future.
I'm surprized they didn't have Gimli as one of the twelve dwarves! and why was the balrog not in it! I mean they could have had all the cast members of LoTRs time travelling back to help fight Smaug! Gandolph the grey and white! Two Bilbos! One young one old!! It could have been so much cooler! and by cooler I mean sillier and goofier!
ReplyDeleteApparently they wanted Aragorn in it as well, but Viggo turned them down because he knew there was a huge time difference.
DeleteThe first time I saw that Legolas was in The Hobbit I immediately had flash backs of the last three Star Wards movies where Chewbaca, Boba Fett, Yoda, and the whole gang kept showing up. Small world. I mean, small galaxy.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. In all that infinite time and space, it's amazing how they just keep bumping into each other.
DeleteThe reviews were very funny and the interview was super-awesome-hilarious. Although, (I want to preface this by saying I am a huge Tolkien fan.) I always thought that The Hobbit was kinda lame compared to LOTR, so I don't really have a problem with Mr. Jackson messing with it.
ReplyDeleteYou've got to remember that The Hobbit is a children's book, whereas LOTR isn't.
DeleteThe movie also takes in a lot.of stuff from Tolkien's notes and his unfinished tales. I don't mind the deviations from the actual book, it's just Legolas is annoying anyway, so it's even worse when he shows up every few minutes and saves everyone (which quite simply does not happen).
Urgh, I'm turning into a stereotype...
This is my favourite post I've read all week. All week. And I've been procrastinating a LOT. Why is legolas is the hobbit? I've not even seen it yet and I'm pissed off. Do you think Orlando Bloom has some... alternative... pictures of Peter Jackson he's using to bribe him with x
ReplyDelete