Hi mothercookers! It’s Heston Blumenthal here. You’ll probably know me as that loveable scientific TV chef. Others may know me as the world’s foremost Harry Hill impersonator. Regardless, I’m here to teach you some wonderful Christmas recipes that I just made up straight from the top of my dome.
Now, we’re all sick to the back teeth of traditional Christmas food. Turkey is the least popular bird since Rod Hull’s Emu ended up on Operation Yewtree. And the less said about yucky sprouts the better (or as I call them, the Devil’s Haemorrhoids). So, I’m here to teach you how to make some alternative, interesting, and sciencey foodstuffs to dazzle your friends and family with this festive season.
Edible Christmas Presents
Ingredidents: 2 x rolls of sugar paper
1 x block of black marzipan
Food Colourings (red and green)
1 x PS4
1 X Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen
Recipe: Take your sugar paper and draw cute, Christmas designs all over using your food colourings and a paint brush. Draw some Christmas trees, mistletoe, or a shopping centre Santa getting kicked in the bollocks by a petulant child. Once done, deep fry your child’s Christmas present (in my case, a PS4), then wrap it up with the sugar paper and use flattened marzipan as a ribbon. Present the gift with some liquid nitrogen for extra gravitas.
23 Bird Roast
Ingredients: Turkey, Chicken, Duck, Pigeon, Pheasant, Grouse, The Famous Grouse, Goose, Swan, Moorhen, Sparrow, Chaffinch, Robin, Blue Tit, Wren, Crow, Magpie, Hawk, Falcon, Kez, Ostrich, Dodo, Kiwi
1 x Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen
Recipe: Take your first bird by the head, and shove it up the arse of the next bird. Complete the chain until you have a fully joined circle, creating an ouroboros of cruelty. An avian centipede. A duck-dynasty daisy-chain. Cook in the oven for three to six days, then serve on a bed of liquid nitrogen for a cool, funky effect.
Pourable Gammon
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| Imagine this, but as a liquid |
Ingredients: 1 x Gammon Joint
1 x Blowtorch
1 x Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen
1 x Curly Drinking Straw per person
Recipe: Take your raw gammon joint and slam it down on the table in front of your startled diners. Take your blow torch out and heat the gammon to around 2000-2500C, until it becomes runny and pliant. As the resulting mess begins to drip off of the table, throw in some liquid nitrogen to give it texture, then allow your diners to drink the meat through their curly straws.
A Giant Fucking Dinner
Ingredients: 1 x Giant Turkey, Giant Carrots, Giant Peas, Giant Brussells Sprouts, Giant Pigs In Blankets, Giant Gravy
1 x Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen
Recipe: For those Christmas traditionalists who want to put a little spin on the usual Christmas dinner, why not just do a giant version. That’s basically what I do on my TV show, just make gigantic versions of normal food, then prance around like I’m an unholy cross between Willy Wonka and Moby. Throw in some liquid nitrogen because it is an essential ingredient in any recipe, and Bob’s your new, creepy step-uncle who tries to watch you change.
And there you have it, four sumptuous Christmas feasts fit for any deranged, inbred King. I wish you all a glorious holiday season, and I pray to God that you don’t watch Gordon Ramsey’s cookalong on Christmas morning, you heathen bastards! Tally bye!
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For those of you looking for a little more, I encourage you to read Bumferry Hogarts latest Blog post, in which he interviews a very handsome character about his upcoming book. You can view it here. I hope you'll find it to be as amusing as we found it to be, and follow his Blog while you're at it because he's a talented, funny guy.
Other than that, that's it for 2013 as Muppets For Justice will be closed during the Christmas season. This is partly because I have the long-awaited eBook coming out on the 3rd of Jan which I have to prepare for, and also because I will have family commitments that will keep me away from Blogging. Until then, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Normal service shall resume on the 3rd.
It sounds weird given that I've been through it myself but keep us abreast of the ebook launch. I barely did any prep for mine which is one of the reasons it didn't do as well as I'd have liked, and I get the feeling you'll do it a lot better than I did. So keep us (or more specifically me) informed.
ReplyDeleteI'm yet to actually see any of Heston's cooking. I do know he is known for mixing and matching pretty much anything and passing it off as a well cooked meal, no matter how dangerous to one's health it really is. I also wouldn't be surprised if Emu was caught by Yewtree. Never trust a giant green talking bird. Yellow ones are fine though. Its only green ones you need to avoid.
Heston's signature dish is snail porridge. While his shows are quite bewildering and spectacular, you do get the sense that he's just making it up as he goes along.
DeleteI'll be sure to update on here when the book is live, plus any other titbits. Hopefully it will go quite smoothly.
Hello Mr Heston I am a big fan I thought the chariot scene you did in Ben Hur is still the best chariot scene ever done it was dead cool. You did that Towering Inferno movie as well and I guess that is where the idea for making these large and if you don't mind me saying stupid meals the size of a towering Inferno came from. And it is all well and good complaining that half the cities down and outs keep hanging about round your food waist bins but when you have half a grilled giraffe neck hanging out of the top or as you so poetically put it A duck-dynasty daisy-chain lying elegantly on top of a huge pile of left over mash potato shaped like a ferret in the bin it is no wonder. To the poor old down and outs it is as if it it Christmas time and all they are missing is a cracker (someone ate the crackers?). Yes OK it is Christmas but the down and outs don't know that they have no where to hang calenders you know.
ReplyDeleteOooo WHAT? What was I saying . . . . Yes OK these meals I was trying to get to the point that I suffer from a Liquid Nitrogen allergy, do you do any food that does not have Spam (sorry Liquid Nitrogen) in it Mr Heston.
I believe you cook a mean smoked chimp chowder although it did rather ruin the sequel to the Planet of the Apes, not necessary a bad thing. I will go and eat a pork pie now which I bought in M & S although I did have a few problems even buying that.......
We have spam, spam, egg and spam, that doesn't have too much spam in it.
DeleteSo, are normal-sized hotdogs not large pigs-in-a-blanket? I got a few sneers from my family when I was put in charge of the horderves for the holiday.
ReplyDeleteAnd, is a can of butane a good substitute for a phial of liquid nitrogen? Unfortunately, my nephew is allergic to nitrogen and liquid, so it'd be grand if I could find an alternative.
Sorry I'm so clueless. I just want to make sure my family has the best Christmas ever.
And Happy Holidays, Mr. Addman!
Butane? What is this, fast food? It's liquid nitrogen or nothing! Get out of my sight, you disgusting wretch!
DeleteP.S. Merry Christmas.
WARNING: my idiot wife didn't buy Blue Tit for the Bird Roast. She got Blue-Footed Boobie, and it ruined the ENTIRE recipe. Follow this one to a T, people! The man clearly knows what he's doing!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to print that comment out and frame it. When people question my integrity, I'll just point at it.
DeleteI really like to add liquid nitrogen to my sandwiches. It's a pain bringing the nitrogen tanks to work everyday but it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteIt also infuses your desk with a whistful melancholy.
DeleteIt is a scientific fact that you can not spell "Shock nut! He looks mental - Boob!" without using all the letters in "Heston Blumenthal's cookbook" and that says more about HIM than the fact that I sat here for 15 minutes trying to make that work.
ReplyDeleteHe is not a well man. (and nor am I probably)
I wouldn't trust him to make a round of toast without adding frog swan to it or wiping his bum with the bread first.
Your recipes though are well worth a bash. 23 bird roast sounds like my dream meal.
Shock nut! He looks mental - Boob! is nowgoing to be the title of the autobiography that I am going to write for Heston.
DeleteI think "Ouroboro of Cruelty" is the subtitle of the last Saw movie. Or was it "Devil's Hemmoroids"? Not as scary, that one. I think I am on some watchlist, not for my hundreds of NSA jokes and references to presidential and royal buggering, twas the ordering of extinct birds (extinct if you're poor) and all that liquid nitrogen that did it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the brief reprieve from my family.