Basically, you need a shit-hot excuse and you need it fast. Well, you’re in the right place my friends because I am the king of last minute excuses. Here is a list of excuses you can use to placate your boss and save yourself from a certain firing.
 |
| The most important tome in the universe |
1. A singularity spontaneously opened in the office, meaning that space-time has been disrupted and that you actually completed the report a week last Tuesday. Due to this, time has skipped to a point before the report was due, meaning that your work was destroyed in the process, along with everyone’s memories of the event. If you manage to weave this tale well, you can confuse your boss into thinking it has been done, and he’ll just go along with it anyway.
2. Your secretary is an incompetent ass. When your boss points out that you don’t have a secretary, point to the hamster you’ve bought in. Bonus points if you can get it to fire off tiny raisin poos on demand, just to illustrate the point further.
3. Your computer has been cursed by a gypsy. You’ve been working on your laptop at home all week on this report, because you’re such a wonderful employee and you devote all of your free time to the company. However, yesterday there was a strange ringing noise coming from the door, which was eerie since you don’t have a front door bell. You opened the door to reveal a gypsy, who tried to sell you a whole range of shrunken heads, bat tears, and other black magic goods. When you refused, the gypsy twirled her withered staff, putting a curse on you. The curse means that you are physically unable to interact with the one thing you hold dearest to your heart (the report). Whenever you open up the document, Windows crashes and a demon face appears on screen. If you leave this demon face on screen, there’s a good chance that the demon will escape and bring about the end of days. So the boss will need to ask himself; what’s more important? His report, or billions of lives?
4. Today is Groundhog Day. If you complete the report, it will be incomplete tomorrow. You might as well wait until Groundhog Day has passed before finishing it off.
 |
| Bill Murray never had to do some stupid report |
5. The Potato King has decreed that you don’t have to do the report anymore. He has taken you on as a loyal subject, and your new duties include mashing all of The Potato King’s enemies. When your boss asks you what you’re talking about, point to an exceptionally large King Edward potato with a crown on (this plan only works with a large King Edward. People will think you’re crazy if you try and use salad potatoes). Hold a potato masher menacingly to complete the illusion.
And there you have it, five top tips to get you out of trouble at work. Or get you into more trouble, I forget what the original purpose of this post was. Either way, I wish you all the success in the world with your report.
I think I would personally go for the Potato King. Long live the king. No, seriously, he's my king. Not only does he have me mash his enemies but he lets me eat them too. It's an efficient system.
ReplyDeleteAll hail the potato king and his glorious innards! Let his subjects be thinly sliced and fried in tasty grease.
DeleteI'll have to try these. It'll be interesting trying to explain some of these as there's an evident language barrier between me and my Russian boss. I'll probably have to employ the use of a spreadsheets and poster boards. It'll be a project all its own.
ReplyDeleteFor now, I'll continue with my normal excuse: "I handed it into you. You already threw it in the garbage, remember?"
I expect a full report on why you failed to produce your report about the whereabouts of your report. I want you to translate it to Russian, and Mandarin so our tiny orange employees can read it. That's not racist, mandarins are actually tiny oranges. As in the fruit.
DeleteWhile you're at it, can you write a report on accidental racism in the workplace?
Wait... those are called King Edward potatoes? They actually have a formal name? I learned something on this blog today. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
ReplyDelete"Bryan, why is your report not done?"
Sir, I was on Muppets For Justice and I just learned something. Like, actually learned something. I need some time to absorb this.
"Take as long as you need. Do you need to go home for the day?"
Oh yes, they're not just any old potatoes:
Deletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_Edward_potato
Apparently it coincided with the coronation of Edward VII. Technically, he is the potato king.
I think #1 might actually work, but it would probably require that I sound like I understand physics.
ReplyDeleteGetting fired is easier. plus, then I will have time to read about physics.
Hell, if a former keyboard player for D:REAM can become a physics professor, then I'm sure we can all master physics.
DeleteKeep it simple, a diarrhea plague is always the simplest and most indisputable excuse. "Oh, you don't believe me? Want to watch me projectile mud out my anus for distance? I can get 30 yards. Come on, test me."
ReplyDeleteOr reverse psychology, "I would have had it done several days ago if YOU didn't force us to go home on weekends, you tyrant!"
Yeah, what kind of competitive business lets its employees go home at the weekend? What kind of communist haven is this?
DeleteI have always used the same excuse for everything, as I get older and more scary looking, people are finding it trickier to say I am an IDIOT...
ReplyDeleteI simply say I was abducted by aliens and they were experimenting on me............. It always works it is the only sure fire way to get away with things.
Aliens are a big concern, always stealing homework and important reports. I always keep a phalanx of Predators around to try and scare them off. My giblets barely ever stay inside me with all these Predators, but I consider myself much safer as a result.
DeleteWhen my older brother and I were growing up my brother would say "no" when asked to do something and he got grounded for a week. When I was asked to do something I said, "Sure, I will." Of course I never did it but no one seemed to notice.
ReplyDeleteGenius. Although you may find yourself agreeing to the impossible.
DeleteIn fact, why aren't I exploiting this! Build me a rocket to the moon by Wednesday.
I usually just stick with tried and true classics such as my dog ate my computer or my grandma passed away on my computer.
ReplyDeleteGet Bill Gates in here!
DeleteHalf the time I'm convinced my laptop actually HAS been cursed by a gypsy xx
ReplyDeleteThere are three questions that will determine if your laptop is a gypsy:
ReplyDeleteDoes it wear garish gowns at weddings?
Does it have a mullet and know how to operate a JCB?
Does it talk like it's been kicked in the head?
If you've answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you have gypsy laptop.