Basically, you need a shit-hot excuse and you need it fast. Well, you’re in the right place my friends because I am the king of last minute excuses. Here is a list of excuses you can use to placate your boss and save yourself from a certain firing.
|The most important tome in the universe|
1. A singularity spontaneously opened in the office, meaning that space-time has been disrupted and that you actually completed the report a week last Tuesday. Due to this, time has skipped to a point before the report was due, meaning that your work was destroyed in the process, along with everyone’s memories of the event. If you manage to weave this tale well, you can confuse your boss into thinking it has been done, and he’ll just go along with it anyway.
2. Your secretary is an incompetent ass. When your boss points out that you don’t have a secretary, point to the hamster you’ve bought in. Bonus points if you can get it to fire off tiny raisin poos on demand, just to illustrate the point further.
3. Your computer has been cursed by a gypsy. You’ve been working on your laptop at home all week on this report, because you’re such a wonderful employee and you devote all of your free time to the company. However, yesterday there was a strange ringing noise coming from the door, which was eerie since you don’t have a front door bell. You opened the door to reveal a gypsy, who tried to sell you a whole range of shrunken heads, bat tears, and other black magic goods. When you refused, the gypsy twirled her withered staff, putting a curse on you. The curse means that you are physically unable to interact with the one thing you hold dearest to your heart (the report). Whenever you open up the document, Windows crashes and a demon face appears on screen. If you leave this demon face on screen, there’s a good chance that the demon will escape and bring about the end of days. So the boss will need to ask himself; what’s more important? His report, or billions of lives?
4. Today is Groundhog Day. If you complete the report, it will be incomplete tomorrow. You might as well wait until Groundhog Day has passed before finishing it off.
|Bill Murray never had to do some stupid report|
5. The Potato King has decreed that you don’t have to do the report anymore. He has taken you on as a loyal subject, and your new duties include mashing all of The Potato King’s enemies. When your boss asks you what you’re talking about, point to an exceptionally large King Edward potato with a crown on (this plan only works with a large King Edward. People will think you’re crazy if you try and use salad potatoes). Hold a potato masher menacingly to complete the illusion.
And there you have it, five top tips to get you out of trouble at work. Or get you into more trouble, I forget what the original purpose of this post was. Either way, I wish you all the success in the world with your report.