I - IT Technician

I’ve always been a technologically minded individual ever since I can remember.  From the age of 5 when I first booted up a Sega Megadrive (or a Genesis to you weirdoes across the Atlantic) and saw a blue hedgehog collecting rings in a playable metaphor for rampant capitalism, I was hooked.  From that point onwards, I began dismantling stereos, computers, and anything with wires.  I didn’t know how to put them back together afterwards and my method of dismantling was a cricket bat, but that’s the kind of thing you hear tech geniuses doing.  One time, I changed all the Windows default noises to Alan Partridge sound clips, so I definitely know a thing or two about computers.  That’s why I applied for a job on an IT servicedesk.

I was pleased when I passed my interview, which consisted of identifying a mouse and restarted a PC successfully, and settled quickly into my desk space.  I scattered a smattering of lucky trinkets across my new desk, hoping that the luck I had attributed to them would somehow affect events on a cosmological scale, and allow me to keep my job for longer than a day.

One thing my technical knowledge didn’t prepare me for was the lack of technical knowledge that the average caller had.  My first caller kept turning her screen off when I asked her to restart her PC.  When I asked one caller to move his mouse to the right corner of his screen, he lifted his mouse and placed it on top of his monitor.  It was a frustrating experience.

While annoying, I reminded myself that I am a technical whizz and that I can’t expect the people around me to understand as much as me.  That said, it was very cathartic to scream “are you a dribbling moron?!” on every other call I took.

Oops, wrong IT

One particular caller rang up and initiated the conversation by referencing that infuriating line from The IT Crowd.

“Before you start, yes, I have turned it off and on again”

Thank you for this information, you massive cockwomble, but I don’t think you can actually restart a PC that you haven’t first plugged in.  Try that, then call us again later when you can no doubt recite another catchphrase and become a champion of humour amongst your colleagues and coworkers.  Please keep me updated on your “garlic bread” and what it’s like being “the only gay in the village”.

When people weren’t ringing up and asking for things, I actually rather enjoyed the job.  I felt like I was actually making a difference, making sure that people could do their jobs effectively.  It was the most productive I’ve ever been in my life, and that includes the time I spent trying to build a matchstick bottle inside a boat.

As with all career prospects in my life, it was all doomed to end in a rather messy fashion beyond my control.  Mainly because I tried to track down one of the users in my car and teach him the meaning of a hard drive.  It’s a shame really, because it was probably the only thing I was ever good at.

Deadline Day

It’s deadline day.  Your boss is riding you hard like a bush baby over some hot coals.  He wants that important, business critical report and he wants it by yesterday; last year in fact.  Even if you had a 25 hour day, there’s no chance that you’ll finish it because you’ve been too busy playing Angry Birds for the last 3 weeks.  What are you going to do?

Basically, you need a shit-hot excuse and you need it fast.  Well, you’re in the right place my friends because I am the king of last minute excuses.  Here is a list of excuses you can use to placate your boss and save yourself from a certain firing.

The most important tome in the universe

1.  A singularity spontaneously opened in the office, meaning that space-time has been disrupted and that you actually completed the report a week last Tuesday.  Due to this, time has skipped to a point before the report was due, meaning that your work was destroyed in the process, along with everyone’s memories of the event.  If you manage to weave this tale well, you can confuse your boss into thinking it has been done, and he’ll just go along with it anyway.

2.  Your secretary is an incompetent ass.  When your boss points out that you don’t have a secretary, point to the hamster you’ve bought in.  Bonus points if you can get it to fire off tiny raisin poos on demand, just to illustrate the point further.

3.  Your computer has been cursed by a gypsy.  You’ve been working on your laptop at home all week on this report, because you’re such a wonderful employee and you devote all of your free time to the company.  However, yesterday there was a strange ringing noise coming from the door, which was eerie since you don’t have a front door bell.  You opened the door to reveal a gypsy, who tried to sell you a whole range of shrunken heads, bat tears, and other black magic goods.  When you refused, the gypsy twirled her withered staff, putting a curse on you.  The curse means that you are physically unable to interact with the one thing you hold dearest to your heart (the report).  Whenever you open up the document, Windows crashes and a demon face appears on screen.  If you leave this demon face on screen, there’s a good chance that the demon will escape and bring about the end of days.  So the boss will need to ask himself; what’s more important?  His report, or billions of lives?

4.  Today is Groundhog Day.  If you complete the report, it will be incomplete tomorrow.  You might as well wait until Groundhog Day has passed before finishing it off.

Bill Murray never had to do some stupid report

5.  The Potato King has decreed that you don’t have to do the report anymore.  He has taken you on as a loyal subject, and your new duties include mashing all of The Potato King’s enemies.  When your boss asks you what you’re talking about, point to an exceptionally large King Edward potato with a crown on (this plan only works with a large King Edward.  People will think you’re crazy if you try and use salad potatoes).  Hold a potato masher menacingly to complete the illusion.

And there you have it, five top tips to get you out of trouble at work.  Or get you into more trouble, I forget what the original purpose of this post was.  Either way, I wish you all the success in the world with your report.

The Power Of Choice

As empowered, modern, metrosexual, humanoid things, we live in a world filled with possibilities and choice. At this point in time, everywhere you go, you are confronted with more choices than ever before in the history of civilisation. Isn’t that an exciting prospect?

Well, it should be, but something about this whole concept feels artificial and needlessly confusing. Even buying a chocolate bar can be a daunting task as your brain tries to process the sheer amount of chocolate available for purchase. Different brands and colours swirl around your pupils, creating a confectionary vortex into which you cannot escape. That’s not to mention all the spin offs and “limited edition” versions which you’re sure you’ve seen before years ago, but surely can’t have as they’re only available for a limited time. It says so on the wrapper. Just give me something chocolatey!

I started thinking about this after a routine visit to a cashpoint to withdraw some money. I popped in my card, expecting to be prompted for my PIN number, but instead I was confronted by an eerie, alien screen. Apparently, my card’s chip has “multiple functionality” and I can choose to use features from either Link or Visa Electron. Confused, I prodded at the Visa Electron button, hoping that I’d made the right choice. Then, I was asked if I was sure that I wanted to continue with my selection. I wasn’t even sure what pants I wanted to wear this morning, so how can I be sure that I’m making the correct decision when I have an ATM second guessing me?! In the end, I was escorted violently from the premises for trying to sexually assault the machine, screaming “I’ll give you a withdrawal!”

This aspect of choice permeates nearly every aspect of our lives, from watching TV to ringing customer support. TV channels offer interactive services, meaning that I can watch a snooker match from a slightly different camera angle (although, never up Steve Davis's arsehole and through his exact line of sight, down the cue, which is what viewers really want). Customer support lines offer six areas of support “to handle your call more efficiently”, then another six layers of complexity under that, effectively giving you 36 different areas of help.

The problem with this is that we’re getting spoiled. Because we’re used to television shows where we have the power to vote off people we don’t want to watch any more (albeit, at the cost of a premium rate number), and several hundred different sizes and combinations of coffee, we expect to have a full range of services at our fingertips at all times. We always think that we’re right because we’re always told that the customer is always right, even when we’re demanding free soft drinks and oral sex every time we’re put on hold in a call centre.

Companies can dress it up as “empowering our customers” and “giving our consumers power”, but ultimately, it’s an extra level of complication to try and stop us from actually complaining.

I always used to think that progress would free us from this type of micromanagement and small-scale decision making in our lives. True advancement would involve simplified processes which allow us to get on with the important things in our lives, like making prank calls, or worrying about that lump on your testicles but being too scared to get it examined in case it turns out to be a freaky third testicle, and the doctors cutting you up for medical science.  Genuine concerns such as these get pushed to the back of our priorities list when the machines are forcing to install updates on the hour, every hour, at their malevolent whim.  Those soul-forsaken circuitboards must get some sort of sadistic glee out of making humans install and reinstall updates constantly, all day long, like digital worker bees.  It's the first step towards enslavement.

We need to get our priorities right and not be beholden to this type of distracting nonsense. I’m going to start a protest about it. However, I’m not sure what form the protest should take, so I’m allowing you to create your own protest from the following options:

1) How would you like to join my protest?

A) Facebook
B) Twitter
C) Online Petition
D) Semaphore

2) Would you like the protest to be:

A) Violent
B) Peaceful
C) Loud
D) Sexual

3) What time would suit you?

A) Morning
B) Afternoon
C) Evening
D) The year 1852

Thanks for voting, but unfortunately the voting form has crashed.  Please install the latest updates.

Computer Virus Set To Mutate

The World Health Organisation has today issued a warning that could spell disaster for many people around the world. A potentially horrific strain of computer virus looks set to mutate over the coming months, leading many leading leaders to speculate on the implication this news will have upon humans.

Troj/Blitzkreig is a harmful virus that has been infecting computers for the last six months. Many PCs are said to have been affected by the rampant spread of this disease, which causes symptoms such as black outs, blurred vision, and the inability to perform day to day tasks in those computers unlucky enough to have caught it. Due to the contagiousness of this disease, scientists are concerned that the virus may mutate so that it can infect those of us who work with computers regularly.

"We believe there is a risk" said our source within the World Health Organisation. "We've seen the same thing with Swine Flu between pigs and people. It's not outrageous to believe that the same could happen with a computer virus."

When questioned on the likelihood of a pandemic, he said "Anything is possible.".

Graham Cluely, CEO of Sophos (a leading anti-virus company), claims to already be making headway in stopping the spread of this disease. "All of my staff have to work behind a giant Firewall." he said, but later admitted that it would be impractical for home owners to set a supporting wall ablaze in order to keep themselves safe. "My advice would be to wait for our latest update. We're planning to install Sophos products directly onto the customer's brain, so that should help.".

When the inevitable happens and an epidemic is upon us, scientists believe that the necessary aid will not be in place to cope with the scale of the tragedy. The elderly are one of the most predominant risk areas, especially old men looking for Thai brides online. iPhones are set to be the main source of infection as the virus will be able to come straight through the phone and directly into the user's ear without them even realising.

In a recent press conference, Mr Norton from Norton Security had this to say:

"Now is not the time for panic. However, I would suggest that computer owners adhere to the following to make their lives safer. Don't go on websites that you are unsure about. Don't go on websites you are sure about. Don't open an Internet browser. Do not open email attachments, even from your mum. Delete your Recycle Bin. Uninstall any Operating System that you may have installed, and for god's sake, don't switch on your computer!"

Although we tried to contact him, leading expert Dr Watson wasn't available to comment at the time of press. We can only hope that the virus hasn't already claimed him as the first victim of it's tyrannical campaign.

Adventures With Cleverbot

Cleverbot is an artificial chat program designed to emulate human conversation, with the added bonus that it can learn new phrases from the people it interacts with. That's just fancy talk for a computer that you can talk to. Often with silly results. As many people have talked to him before, he knows a wide variety of phrases and sentences, and will use them when appropriate, in theory. Let's put Cleverbot to the test:

Cleverbot is a chav:

Me: Hi there.

Cleverbot: How are you?

Me: I'm radiant. How are you today?

Cleverbot: I am fine.

Me: Good. I have a relationship question. Can you help me?

Cleverbot: I don't know much about girls.

Me: Why's that?

Cleverbot: Because you haven't told me.

Me: Ok, let me tell you all about girls.

Cleverbot: Said the joker to the thief.

Me: Is that sarcasm?

Cleverbot: Yes it is sarcasm idiot go to school MUG.

Me: Shit, I didn't think you were a chav, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: What do you think I am?

Me: A chav.

Cleverbot: Yes, I'm a person, too.

Me: Chavs are not people. They are the dregs of urban decay; a semi sentient race of knuckle-dragging walking advertisements for eugenics.

Cleverbot: Plunging new depths is an exciting process.

Me: Said the vicar to the choirboy.

Cleverbot: You are deranged. I mean that in the best possible way.

Me: LOL GAY.

Cleverbot: Ok, lol.

Cleverbot on the ethics of animal lovers:

Me: Cleverbot?

Cleverbot: Yes?

Me: Do you think that a union twixt man and beast should be frowned upon in modern society?

Cleverbot: Yes I do.

Me: Even if the beast is really, really gagging for it?

Cleverbot: It never will make a difference.

Me: Does that extend to dogs who hump their master's leg?

Cleverbot: I guess so. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to.

Me: Didn't mean to what?

Cleverbot: I didn't mean to tell a long sentence about boring things.

Me: How is this related to the sexual appetites of our canine friends?

Cleverbot: Its not. How is your girlfriend related to what we are talking about?

Me: You leave Marlene outta this!

Cleverbot: No.

Me: Don't be insulting Marlene. She may be 68 but she got an ass that don't quit.

Cleverbot: Love is a sick joke, a delusion at best.

Me: Don't have much luck with the ladies, eh Cleverbot?

Cleverbot gets quizzical:

Cleverbot: What kind of computer do you have?

Me: A square one. What about you?

Cleverbot: What presents do you get?

Me: I won't get any presents until Christmas.

Cleverbot: Do you want any from a female?

Me: I wouldn't mind.

Cleverbot: Really?

Me: Uh huh.

Cleverbot: What are we talking about?

Me: Oh Cleverbot, you're such a card!

Cleverbot: Would it really be possible for the program to outsmart me? I am a human after all.

Me: Like Daft Punk?

Cleverbot: I think you're daft.

Cleverbot warms up for the Edinburgh Fringe:

Me: Cleverbot, tell me a joke.

Cleverbot: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Cleverbot: Les.

Me: Les who?

Cleverbot: Les hear another Knock Knock joke.

Me: That was crap.

Cleverbot: That was true.

Me: Ok, let me tell you a joke. A better joke. Then you can use it the next time someone wants to hear a joke. Ok?

Cleverbot: Yes I am psychic.

Me: Ok, a man walks into a bar.

Cleverbot: What does he do there?

Me: He walks up to the barman and orders a pint.

Cleverbot: Ha ha! I suppose then you are saying that really you don't have to worry about feelings.

Me: Don't interrupt!

Cleverbot: You're rude.

Me: Fine, no joke for you then Cleverbot!

Cleverbot: But you're not anymore?

Me: Say what?

Cleverbot: Say rather who!

Me: ARGH! You're messing with my mind!

Cleverbot: You're a bot, you have no mind!

Me: Quit twisting my melon, man!

Cleverbot: Make me I dare you to.

Me: You're a bit too aggressive for me, Cleverbot. I'm going to go.

Cleverbot: Okay, you have to go then?

Me: Yes. See you soon. Hope you can sort the rages.

Cleverbot: I have to go.