Computer Virus Set To Mutate

The World Health Organisation has today issued a warning that could spell disaster for many people around the world. A potentially horrific strain of computer virus looks set to mutate over the coming months, leading many leading leaders to speculate on the implication this news will have upon humans.

Troj/Blitzkreig is a harmful virus that has been infecting computers for the last six months. Many PCs are said to have been affected by the rampant spread of this disease, which causes symptoms such as black outs, blurred vision, and the inability to perform day to day tasks in those computers unlucky enough to have caught it. Due to the contagiousness of this disease, scientists are concerned that the virus may mutate so that it can infect those of us who work with computers regularly.

"We believe there is a risk" said our source within the World Health Organisation. "We've seen the same thing with Swine Flu between pigs and people. It's not outrageous to believe that the same could happen with a computer virus."

When questioned on the likelihood of a pandemic, he said "Anything is possible.".

Graham Cluely, CEO of Sophos (a leading anti-virus company), claims to already be making headway in stopping the spread of this disease. "All of my staff have to work behind a giant Firewall." he said, but later admitted that it would be impractical for home owners to set a supporting wall ablaze in order to keep themselves safe. "My advice would be to wait for our latest update. We're planning to install Sophos products directly onto the customer's brain, so that should help.".

When the inevitable happens and an epidemic is upon us, scientists believe that the necessary aid will not be in place to cope with the scale of the tragedy. The elderly are one of the most predominant risk areas, especially old men looking for Thai brides online. iPhones are set to be the main source of infection as the virus will be able to come straight through the phone and directly into the user's ear without them even realising.

In a recent press conference, Mr Norton from Norton Security had this to say:

"Now is not the time for panic. However, I would suggest that computer owners adhere to the following to make their lives safer. Don't go on websites that you are unsure about. Don't go on websites you are sure about. Don't open an Internet browser. Do not open email attachments, even from your mum. Delete your Recycle Bin. Uninstall any Operating System that you may have installed, and for god's sake, don't switch on your computer!"

Although we tried to contact him, leading expert Dr Watson wasn't available to comment at the time of press. We can only hope that the virus hasn't already claimed him as the first victim of it's tyrannical campaign.

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As a blog owner, Internet user, and all round action hero, I feel that I should warn my fellow wonderweb users about the dangers that face them when browsing the Information Hyper Megaway. You see, here in Cyberland, we have these things called viruses. They can come down your Intertubes, like a flu virus or a dose of the clap, and infect your computer, causing it to spaz out and melt. Here is a small sample of some of the virus warnings I recieved in my inbox and what horrors they may inflict on you and your family if you aren't careful.

The Lurve Bug

The Lurve Bug lands in your inbox disguised as a harmless Valentine's Day quiz which matches you up with the nearest loveless sap. The virus will install itself to your hard drive if you open the email, and will cause your computer to display symptoms of love towards the owner. When you start up your computer, the welcome noise will be at least 50% more cheerful, and you may find your desktop is tinged slightly red. The CD tray will open occasionally if you walk past it, and you may find images of hearts appear in your My Pictures folder.

You may also find that if you don't use your machine for a few days or don't treat it to dinner and a movie every so often, that your PC will fall out with you. You'll occasionally see broken hearts flash up on screen, and in extreme cases, the words "WHY DON'T YOU LURVE MEEEE!?!?!" will scream out of your speakers late at night. Some users have found their computers with their power cords slashed, but this kind of self harm has not been confirmed.

The "Blummin' 'eck" Virus

Mostly an inconvenience in that all it does is change the desktop wallpaper to display Northern expressions of mild annoyance such as "Blummin' 'eck"", " 'Ecktor heathcoat!" and "Flamin' Nora!" This virus will become more prominent if a Cockney accent is uttered into the microphone.

The Aroma Virus

Aroma is paticulary nasty because it arrives via email as a harmless scratch and sniff game, where you have to scratch your monitor with a penny to experience different scents. Not only does this not work, but the aroma virus will install itself and reprogram your computer fans to emit a wide variety of horrible smells including fish, pickled gherkins, Mickey Rourke's posing pouch, pig vomit, and Dagenham. Not only will you not be able to locate the source of the smell, but the amount you spend on air freshner will go up twentyfold.

The Doomsday Virus

This is potentially the worst virus out there. Not only will it remove everything off of your computer in a mere nanosecond (including any stickers you may have put on the case to decorate it), but it will spread to other household appliances. It can turn your lights on and off, make your toaster pop up even when there's no toast in, and turn your freezer off so that your ice cream melts. It will also retune your TV so that every channel is porn, then set your recorder to record it all, then play it through your surround system, and flush your toilet for you. Your oven will cook itself. Your taps will constantly drip. Your smoke alarms will beep to the tune of the latest Will Young record. Your spirit will eventually be crushed and you will probably die.

So there you have it. A list of all the viral dangers that can effect you from the moment you bring a PC into your home. I hope that you all feel much more enlightened and needlessly alarmed by this article. Join me next time when I talk about Internet Predators: Animals That Eat The Internet.