As a blog owner, Internet user, and all round action hero, I feel that I should warn my fellow wonderweb users about the dangers that face them when browsing the Information Hyper Megaway. You see, here in Cyberland, we have these things called viruses. They can come down your Intertubes, like a flu virus or a dose of the clap, and infect your computer, causing it to spaz out and melt. Here is a small sample of some of the virus warnings I recieved in my inbox and what horrors they may inflict on you and your family if you aren't careful.
The Lurve Bug
The Lurve Bug lands in your inbox disguised as a harmless Valentine's Day quiz which matches you up with the nearest loveless sap. The virus will install itself to your hard drive if you open the email, and will cause your computer to display symptoms of love towards the owner. When you start up your computer, the welcome noise will be at least 50% more cheerful, and you may find your desktop is tinged slightly red. The CD tray will open occasionally if you walk past it, and you may find images of hearts appear in your My Pictures folder.
You may also find that if you don't use your machine for a few days or don't treat it to dinner and a movie every so often, that your PC will fall out with you. You'll occasionally see broken hearts flash up on screen, and in extreme cases, the words "WHY DON'T YOU LURVE MEEEE!?!?!" will scream out of your speakers late at night. Some users have found their computers with their power cords slashed, but this kind of self harm has not been confirmed.
The "Blummin' 'eck" Virus
Mostly an inconvenience in that all it does is change the desktop wallpaper to display Northern expressions of mild annoyance such as "Blummin' 'eck"", " 'Ecktor heathcoat!" and "Flamin' Nora!" This virus will become more prominent if a Cockney accent is uttered into the microphone.
The Aroma Virus
Aroma is paticulary nasty because it arrives via email as a harmless scratch and sniff game, where you have to scratch your monitor with a penny to experience different scents. Not only does this not work, but the aroma virus will install itself and reprogram your computer fans to emit a wide variety of horrible smells including fish, pickled gherkins, Mickey Rourke's posing pouch, pig vomit, and Dagenham. Not only will you not be able to locate the source of the smell, but the amount you spend on air freshner will go up twentyfold.
The Doomsday Virus
This is potentially the worst virus out there. Not only will it remove everything off of your computer in a mere nanosecond (including any stickers you may have put on the case to decorate it), but it will spread to other household appliances. It can turn your lights on and off, make your toaster pop up even when there's no toast in, and turn your freezer off so that your ice cream melts. It will also retune your TV so that every channel is porn, then set your recorder to record it all, then play it through your surround system, and flush your toilet for you. Your oven will cook itself. Your taps will constantly drip. Your smoke alarms will beep to the tune of the latest Will Young record. Your spirit will eventually be crushed and you will probably die.
So there you have it. A list of all the viral dangers that can effect you from the moment you bring a PC into your home. I hope that you all feel much more enlightened and needlessly alarmed by this article. Join me next time when I talk about Internet Predators: Animals That Eat The Internet.