Unlucky For Some

The late and great Rebecca Black (RIP) once sang those immortal words that resonate with all school kids and bored office workers alike; "Friday, Friday, can't wait 'til Friday".  Whilst that is normally a universal truth, this particular Friday is one that you shouldn't be looking forward to. For this Friday is the unluckiest of days, the dreaded 13th.

But why is the 13th considered so unlucky?  Well, it all dates back to the Viking invasion, when Throngar The Mighty, after delivering a rousing battle speech, accidentally put on a novelty helmet that had the horns on the inside.  As such, the battle was lost that day.  And what was that fateful day?  Why Friday the 13th of course.

But surely the myth hasn't sprung up around some foolish event that happened hundreds of years ago.  As it happens, there are tons of historic mishaps that have occurred on this date.  Here are a few examples:

51 BC: Caesar's thumb fell off after an unexpected bout of gangreen. This meant that many enemies of the state were unable to be killed after returning triumphant from the gladiator pit.

Ever wonder why statues of Caesar never show his hands?

1536:  Anne Boleyn had a traumatic day when one of her servants unwittingly put dog's milk in her tea.  Due to a shortage of cows, dogs were conscripted to provide dairy produce to the masses, but this putrid brand of lactation was not drunk by the upper classes, who still enjoyed the luxury of cow's milk.  Anne was said to be livid about the whole affair.  Oh, and that awful behedding business was pretty unlucky too.

1775: Marie Antoinette wet herself in public while laughing at a beggar with a withered hand.

1784:  Pitt The Younger celebrated becoming Prime Minister with a plateful of his favourite jelly.  Unfortunately, there was a bone in it, which caused him to choke violently and totally ruined his vocal chords, giving him a prepubescent speaking voice for the rest of his life.

1797:  Napoleon was found stranded on his toilet after a mixup with the builders left his toilet roll holder on the wrong side.  As his hand as tucked into his shirt, Napoleon spent the whole of his Italian campaign stuck on the bog (although the history books don't mention it).

Yeah....

Given this evidence, it's no wonder that Friday the 13th is considered the worst day of the year, even worse than my annual bath.  If I were you, I'd stay indoors, don't eat anything, and for the love of God, don't go to the toilet.  Most accidents in the home happen on the toilet, or as I call it, the shitting death trap.  I hope that none of you die on this day, and I hope to see you all on the other side.