~Me: Lank hair, bear-like physique, Gears Of War promotional T shirt with only two custard stains on the front.
~Thanks to the pregnant woman who gave me her seat on a crowded bus. It was useful to rest my shopping bags full of dog food on that seat. I’d quite like to be your baby’s step daddy sometime. I promise I won’t lock it in the basement in favour of our own, legitimate offspring.
~Me: Cute blonde you caught staring at you from behind a copy of Heat magazine.
You: Man who tried jumping in front of a speeding train. When you’re feeling a bit better, let me know and we’ll end it together, in style.
~You: Toothy crack whore, last seen gnoshing on my junk behind Kwik Fit.
Me: Guy with the penis you said looked like an Allan Key. Perhaps next time I could use it to tighten your lock.
~To the man who was caught streaking around the children’s playground at my son’s school. All the other parents were furious, but I rather enjoyed it as a performance piece about our immediate fury over sexual imagery around infancy. Nice arse too!
~You: 80 year old, grandmother to four, living in the Blakesley Care Home, flat number 13, ground floor.
Me: Your home help. Next time I promise you a sponge bath you’ll never forget!
~To the beautiful young lady who ran me over in a Vauxhall Corsa, I think I might have left my heart in your wheel-arch. If I win the court case, I’ll use the money to buy you a bunch of flowers.
~To all the women I saw in last month’s edition of Playboy, I’m single, willing, and able. I’m available to apply lotion and help with any costume changes.
~Me: Guy you found rattling around in your rubbish bins last night. You called me a freak when I picked out some of your hair and wore it on my head. I don’t know why you called the cops halfway through our date, but I’m still game for date number two.
You: Britney Spears
~To the dashing gentleman who saved me from a tribe of cannibals, then whisked me away on his galleon, then began fighting hordes of invading pirates whilst proposing marriage to me, why aren’t you fucking real?!