Monday, 24 September 2012

The Simple Life


A little while ago I noticed a particularly catching headline on one of the women’s glossy magazines.  Don’t worry, I hadn’t bought it or anything, but the bold red font practically leaped off the cover, wrapped it’s tendrils around my face, and laid it’s horrible eggs in my oesophagus.  The magazine’s main article was named “The Secret Life Of Men”, with the tagline “How to decode his signals”.

This made me snigger, which turned into a chortle, then a guffaw, and before long I was asked to leave the store as I was howling over their lucrative publications.

Ladies, you have been force fed a great myth.  All your lives you have been drip fed tips and tricks on reading your man’s secret signals, his body language, or the perturbing excretions from his sweat glands.  You have been duped into believing that the male gender is a complex whirlwind of valiant honour, nobility, and meat.  You have been taught that a vast array of firing synapses lie behind his eyes, scrutinising your attire choices and social cues. 

Typical lazy man, if he was a cat.

Well, this revelation may be akin to waking up from The Matrix, but men are remarkably simple.  Their problems are generally straightforward to the point of childishness.  I would wager that 75% of men’s problems would disappear if you gave them a biscuit.  I’ll take a custard cream, if it’s not too much trouble.

This is why the world would be a much better place if it was run by women.  As things stand, men have done a pretty lousy job of running everything so far.  We’ve had a global financial crisis, rioting in the Middle East, and the continued existence of Marmite.  Our record is less than dazzling to say the least.  We destroy, pillage, dump, raze, dismantle and poo on everything we come across.  We can’t be trusted with these big red buttons and shiny things, especially when those tempting interfaces are linked up to mass destruction devices.  We’ve run it into the ground, and it’s up to you, my sisters from other misters, to heal the world.  You are the true creators, and only your patience and understanding can stop us from suffocating underneath a mound of bacon.

Inventive, yet useless

Of course, when the ovarian revolution comes, men will be required to stay at home.  We’ll lay on the couch in our pants, letting our paunches loll over into a bowl of semi-fresh popcorn.  We’ll have to stay inside and take mental notes on the bikini volleyball championships while you go around fixing everything for us.  Because that’s what we’re like.  We’re sorry.  We didn’t mean to make such a mess. 

Just remember to wake us up when you’ve finished.  Once you’ve cured cancer, solved global poverty, and weaved a brand new ozone layer out of our discarded beer cans, let us know.  We’ll stumble outside, blinking, dazed by the glorious illumination of our green and loving Earth, and we’ll immediately start a war about cheese or something.

37 comments:

  1. I've always thought I'd be good at ruling the world. Not because I'm female ... I'm just super bossy.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, but what's your foreign policy like? Meh, it's probably better than mine. You're hired!

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  2. LOL! TFF! If I feed Sweetman any more cream-filled biscuits he'll be a 1000 pound man lyaing around all day farting and pooing in our bed. Sorry. But I can't handle that.

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    1. Leave the cream biscuits in the garden. Then at least he'll have to leave the house to fetch them, which should burn off a pound or two.

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  3. look at this last guy.. looks like a fat astronaut surrounded by machines and that

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    Replies
    1. I know. I can't tell if he's living the dream, or the nightmare.

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  4. This was hilarious. I await and welcome our ovarian overlords. Why are men out there killing themselves stressing about a stupid job? House husband sounds like a way better vocation and way of life. Although now I'm worried about the pending cheese war. "Cheese shouldn't be orange, attack!"

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    Replies
    1. Red Leicester should be orange, heathen! You shall pay for your blasphemy!

      ...This just proves my point even more.

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  5. I am so sharing this with every guy I know. They all desperately need to read it xD.

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    1. Awesome. When I become a poster boy for the downfall of male global dominance, I'll be sure to thank you. :D

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  6. Women would organize the world, have everything neatly tucked away and then just talk about everybody behind their backs. No violence necessary.

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    Replies
    1. Indeed, but many feelings would be hurt. Still, it serves the French delegate right for having fat ankles.

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  7. Cheese? I wouldn't start a war over cheese, but I would start one over bacon. I use to believe that women would make better rulers, and be able to sort out the world that men have broken, but then we elected Margaret Thatcher, and things kind of went to shit.

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    1. Yes, but she backed up by a cabinet full of men! Men doing men-things like starting wars with Argentina and shutting down coal mines. Plus, Margaret Thatcher is an honorary man anyway.

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  8. I, for one, welcome our female leaders. As I type this, I'm an unemployed psuedo housewife who writes books and blogs while his wife brings home the bacon. Some call it laziness; I say I'm progressive.

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    Replies
    1. That's the spirit. You are a true modern man and I respect that.

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  9. Hee hee. Love this! The secret to ruling the world is let everyone else do all the work. ;-)

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  10. I completely agree. We need a Mary Poppins or someone who knows how to make the medicine go down. Just as long as it's not the woman in this commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oye4rhUa2Fk

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    Replies
    1. Fuck, that video made me angry. Trying to "force" gay marriage on people? What's he going to do, literally force people to marry members of the same gender?

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  11. women do rule the world but we have been duped into believing men are just lazy unmotivated equals. I know first hand when I demand and expect greatness from men, i get it.
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

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    Replies
    1. Demand and expect greatness? Remind me not to get on your bad side :)

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  12. Replies
    1. It's like a real life Garfield comic.

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  13. Man may have messed everything up but women stood idly by and let them! haha It wouldn't be as much fun if we couldn't blame the demise of society and the world and our impending doom on men, now would it? ;)

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    1. I don't know, I think it'd be rather fun to blame other people for a change, rather than getting blamed myself.

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  14. Women ruling the world?! What a preposterous thought! Everyone knows that women can't think for themselves. It's been proven by...some...smart science person. I'm pretty sure it was anyway. REGARDLESS! Women are inferior to men in almost every way...except...hm...nope. They're inferior in every way. I have it on good authority that...are you ready for this?...their penis's are WAY smaller than ours! How could they run anything without penis's?!

    (The above statement was made in an attempt to incite a riot, hopefully culminating in a lot of topless jostling and (if mud is available) wrestling. My actual belief is that everyone is susceptible to the pressures of power and would abuse it regardless of gender. Though, I do think that a woman would be far better at delivering bad news involving war and cheese shortages.)

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    1. RAWR! I'm angry now!

      *rips off shirt and starts wrestling Elton in the mud*

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  15. In seriousness tho all guys want is to be treated with some respect or maybe that's just my guy idk. My parents taught me you gotta give respect to get it. Honestly tho, I wouldn't want to live in a woman only world anyway I know how hormonal I can get. Great post btw!

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    Replies
    1. We all want to be treated with respect, but we don't necessarily deserve it.

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  16. reason #673 why no-one should read that crap...

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    1. Yeah, see what happened to me? It made me doubt 50% of the human race.

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  17. In our house I pay the bills, kill the spiders, walk the dog, do the washing up, make the teas, change lightbulbs and plugs, listen for hours and hours on end about whatshisname and HER from work, am forced to sit and stare as brain rooting tv that contains images of fake vampires, harry bloody potter or any amount of women crying because they have been utter bastards to their loving boyfriends and other ones about fat people trying not to be quite as fat but failing and crying some more.
    Why on Earth would I even attempt to try and find the time to be in control on top of all that.
    Women are welcome to it . . . Or at least that what Mrs H says I'm allowed to think.

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    1. So...you're saying that ITV2 is nothing but a feminist conspiracy conducted in order to subjugate men? Well, it's a persuasive argument! Now back to your chores!

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  18. oh! It is amazing how much a biscuit can solve.

    I have always opted to be a house husband for my GF, she loves her job more than I love mine but yet remains unconvinced about it being a good idea. She has this cultural notion that the man should be the main bread winner.

    I ask her what's it like in 1950? She didn't get it.

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    Replies
    1. Haha. It's a strange term, bread winner. That implies that there's an annual contest where the main prize is a loaf of bread. A bit like the hunger games I suppose.

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  19. I'm not above sitting home on the couch, living the life of a fat cat works for me. Although if women ran the world we'd have another 1000 channels of gossip.

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