Blog Update

Hello to all you loyal readers who have been repeatedly hitting F5 since last September.  Adam here, you know, Addman.  That guy who does the thing.  Now you remember!  I just wanted to let you know that I haven't given up on Blogging and that Calmer Chameleons is still on the way.  Let it be known that Adam Lloyd is not a quitter!  That's why I dropped out of rehab.

I didn't want to fill this space with unfunny life updates, but I feel that you fine folks deserve a few answers surrounding my mysterious absence.  Basically, the design for Calmer Chameleons is done, but I haven't been able to conjure up any particularly good content to put on it.  This is mainly due to life commitments that have grown exponentially, as I shall list in tedious detail here.

So I've moved to Manchester, or as Manchester University professor Brian Cox would call it, the city of D:reams.  Upon arrival, the natives welcomed us in their traditional tribalistic fashion by stealing a laptop from the person who was helping us move.  Apparently, it is an honour to be greeted in this manner.

While we've settled into Mancunian life in the weeks since, unfortunately, I've still been working 70 miles away, so there have been lots of commutes and nights away.  There have also been lots of interviews to try and find work in Manchester (which, despite a number of jobs, they all seem to be taken by cabal of psychic job hunters before anyone has the opportunity to apply.  Perhaps this down to a series of uncles that have been blocking my social mobility. Either way, after a couple of false starts, it looks like I'll finally be starting a new job closer to home over the next few weeks.

For most of my free time over the last few months, I've been hunting the deadliest game of all; employment.  Some say that mankind is the deadliest game, but those people clearly haven't played Jumanji.  However, The rest of my free time has been taken up with an entirely different occupation.

I've been playing at being a journalist.  Namely, the laziest type of journalist of them all, the video games journalist.  I started writing for an independent games website called Power Up Gaming back in August, and since then I have been made an Associate Idiot-I mean Editor.  They even let me write my own biography, the fools!  I've covered events, conducted interviews, and committed my opinion on more than one occasion.  In the short span of time that I've been writing for them, the site has grown tremendously and now gets tens of thousands of hits every month.  I contribute this success entirely to myself, and am planning to overthrow the website in a militaristic coup to take what is rightfully mine.  You can support my endeavour by looking at the articles I've linked and sharing them appropriately.

So this is all well and good, but when will my triumphant return to Blogging commence?  Well, I'm writing again, which is a decent start, and I expect to launch Calmer Chameleons in the new year.  Monday the 5th of Jan looks like a good day, so let's go with that for now.  Appropriate links will be posted here so that you can follow and fan my flagging ego with praise and adoration.  Until then, stay slinky.

We’re Going Through Changes

Those of you with memories may remember a post that I made a few weeks ago. I posted to say that Muppets For Justice would be going through some dramatic changes.  Muppets For Justice will no longer be Muppets For Justice and Addman will no longer be Addman.  Green will no longer be a colour on any observable scale, and all human endeavours shall be rendered null and void on a grander cosmic scale.

So yes, big changes are underfoot.  This Blog will be having a full redesign and the name is changing.  After weeks of speculation, I can now reveal the new name that I’ve settled on:

Calmer Chameleons!

This name change is important for many reasons.  Firstly, some of my early MfJ postings were pointlessly furious and politically charged, which is something I wanted to distance myself from a little bit (hence the name Calmer).  Secondly, Chameleons are famous for changing colour, just like the standalone, disconnected posts I intend to produce. Thirdly, and most importantly, it is an amusing pun.

I will also be changing my name on my Blogger profile, so don’t expect to see Addman appearing on your comments feeds anymore.  The veil has finally been lifted on the world's worst kep secret, and I can reveal my true identity:

Oops, sorry, I mean:

Hello, my name is Adam and my hobbies include writing, hiking, watching films, and drive bys on playa haters.

I’m sure that you all feel much closer to me now.  Can you feel me near you, breathing in your ear?  Whispering the lyrics to your favourite 80’s kids TV shows?  Please excuse the garlic.

So when is all of this going to happen?  I’ll be experimenting next week with the design and trying to make Calmer Chameleons look acceptable.  I intend to create a new Blog from scratch which may or may not be on Blogger. Please bear with me while I tinker with the damn, dirty thing and I’ll let you know as soon as I know.

Until then, things will be quiet around here until the new Blog launches. I intend to launch by the end of September, possibly sooner, but this is subject to change.  If you're feeling a little lost without regular updates from me, feel free to browse the extensive back catalogue of MfJ in the meantime, or perhaps you would like to enjoy this beautiful ballad about change:

Thank you all for putting up with my crap and I look forward to seeing you all on the other side.

My Birthday - The Change

Today is my birthday.  Due to the aging process, I'm starting to feel a new sense of maturity about myself.  It's been literally days since I laughed at a fart. I have survived 28 years so far on this planet and I’ve been posting on Muppets For Justice for 7 of them.  That’s one quarter of my entire life.  Granted, I only starting posting regularly 3 years ago when I finally found my voice (it’s always under the fridge isn’t it?), but even so, that’s a long time to have been blogging.

Not only that, I’ve posted over 400 times, written several guest blogs, recorded a short podcast series, and put together a book.  I’ve put a lot of time into this whole Muppets For Justice thing, and I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had a modicum of success.  I’ve got a small, cult following, regular hits, and I’ve met some fantastic writers and bloggers through this whole thing, which is incredibly important to me. However, from small trees do mighty acorns grow (I think that’s right), so lately I’ve been trying to promote the blog more.

Recent efforts on that front have been pretty slow.  I’ve been trying to promote Muppets For Justice on Facebook and Twitter more regularly, but I don’t feel like the blog is growing much at the moment.  Things seem to have reached a plateau on that front. I’m not very good at putting myself out there and vying for that recognition.  I think it’s a mixture of apathy (since everyone’s trying to promote something), plus a lack of faith in my own abilities that are holding me back on this front.  I need to try harder.

However, I also think that there’s a distinct problem with the blog itself.  While Muppets For Justice is a unique name that I used to love, I think it’s also become a big burden hanging around my neck.  The casual observer probably sees this place as a Muppets fan site, especially since I have a picture of the cookie monster up there. I think Muppets For Justice is a confusing blog since the Muppets are an established brand and wildly popular in their own right.  To try and build a successful online presence off of the back of this was always going to be an uphill struggle.  It’s a bit like trying to start a robotics company called Skynet.  It’s also not very unique since this blog’s very existence probably breaks copyright law in some capacity.

I think that there’s also several layers of obfuscation here; there’s the Muppets For Justice blog, there’s my Internet handle Addman, my Twitter account Ollie The Pigeon, and whatever else I happen to be writing as that day.  None of these elements seem to tie together very well.  Since the advent of social media, it’s more acceptable to use your full name online. I think people feel a little disconnected from me as a writer when they see the name Addman and the puppet avatar, especially when coupled with my usual content. 

All of this is a convoluted way of saying that I’m thinking about making some changes.  I’m thinking of ditching the handle and using my real name (gasp!), tying all of my associated accounts together and, biggest of all, renaming Muppets For Justice.  I have a couple of new names in mind that don’t infringe on existing copyrights, which I’ll reveal later if everything goes ahead.

What do you folks think about this?  Would Muppets For Justice not be the same if it was called something else?

Please let me know your opinions.  I’m eager to change things up, but I don’t want to alienate the people who stop by regularly and I'm nervous about ruining everything I’ve built so far.  Any feedback you can give is valuable and will influence my decision tremendously.

Thank you for reading and I’m sorry it’s not as entertaining as usual.  Normal service shall resume next week.  This has to be the strangest birthday post ever.

Competition Time

Muppets For Justice is a free enterprise which provides endless entertainment to the masses at no cost.  How do we manage to keep the wolf from the door without a pay wall or advertisements?  Well, mainly because I perform sexual favours down at my local ISP's offices.  However, all is about to change, and my palms finally have the chance to recover. Muppets For Justice is proud to announce a new corporate sponsor!

As a thank you for being such loyal masochists-I mean readers, you have the chance to win a voucher for spectacles, or some other shit.  I received an email from a company called Firmoo, who were eager to make business dealings with me:

Hello,
Are you searching for sponsors ? Do you wanna encourage the interaction with your followers on your social networks ?

Firmoo.com, an online optical store, would like to sponsor you a giveaway on any of your social sites like blog, YouTube, Instagram or Pinterest. You can host a contest for us particularly or you can just put the prizes we offer in the contest you are running.

If you are interested in this offer, you can start to create the contest post right away after get this email. How to proceed this can be found below:

About the prizes:
Vouchers valued at $150 in total. You have to draw 5 persons to win the voucher. Each of them are able to get a $30 voucher. Shipping is excluded. The vouchers are toward the purchases of glasses from this page http://www.firmoo.com/z/firmoo-sponsored-giveaway.html .
About the rules:
Share this contest on Facebook/Twitter.
You can set the other tasks you like.

About the period:
It is suggested to last 7 days, but you can extend it a bit longer if you like.

Finally, it is an international giveaway, but please put this link http://www.firmoo.com/help-p-84.shtml in your post where you can find all the counties we deliver our products to.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me back if you have any questions.
We are looking forward to your response.
Firmoo.com

Naturally, I'd give anything to sell this Blog down the river, so I leaped at the opportunity:

Dear Mr Firmoo,

I was delighted to hear about your eyeglass vouchers.  I run an eye-piece fansite called Muppets For Justice, so I imagine my readers would be thrilled to recieve awesome vouchers for optical accessories.

I would love to hold a competition and give my loyal enthusiasts the chance to run their peepers over your range of glasses, but I have a few questions first.

1)  Do your glasses work in the UK?

2)  Do I need any artistic ability in order to draw the winners?  I did take an evening class on life drawings, but got expelled for painting in the nude.

3)  Do the vouchers cover anything other than spectacles?  Some of my elite readers won't go for a vanilla pair of glasses.  They are usually to be seen sporting monocles, bejewelled binoculars, or sometimes they just strap prisms to their faces.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to telling my readers about this exciting opportunity.

Thanks

A perfectly reasonable set of questions, I'm sure you'll agree.  The next day I received the following response from, who I assume to be Mr Firmoo's daughter.  Miss Tina Firmoo:

Hi,

Thank you so much for your email and glad to learn that you are interested in working with us.
We do have lots of regular customers from UK. You can choose the 5 winners by random.
The $30 can apply to the frame, 1.50 single lenses. The upgrade lenses will be charged for an extra fee. Shipping is excluded.
Please email me the link to the giveaway once it is up. Any other questions, feel free to contact me.

Regards,

Tina

Any other questions?  That's just bait for idiots like me.  I wasn't sure what kind of contest to run, so I decided to ask Miss Tina Firmoo for some advice:

Dear Tina Firmoo,

Thank you very much for replying to my questions.  I've spoken to a couple of my regular readers and they appear rather stoked about this contest.  They can't wait to get their hands on those delicious vouchers.

However, I'm still not sure what kind of contest I'm going to run on my Blog.  I have a few notions that I'm mulling over, and since you seem to be a competition expert, I would very much appreciate your input.  Please let me know what you think of my ideas:

A) Entrants must express their love of contact lenses through the medium of interpretive dance.  They will send in videos of themselves performing the dance, and we will judge who conveys their excitement most effectively.  Bonus points if you can get a dog to dance.

B) Erotic fanfiction involving characters with visual impairments.  Entrants must choose two fictional characters with glasses and express their lust in graphic detail, pausing only to push their glasses further up the bridge of their nose.

C) A "Who Can Look At The Sun Longest Through A Telescope" competition.  Video evidence must be provided.

What do you think?

Thanks

Tina Firmoo replies:

Hi,
We usually do not set any rules for reader to enter the giveaway we sponsor. However, if it is the way you interact with your fans. I think it is Ok. 
Regards,

Tina

So if I usually molest my fans, you'd think that was okay too?  Giving me free reign over a project like this is just asking for disaster:

Dear Tina Firmoo,

Okay, it's fantastic to know that you trust my judgement unequivocally.  It has given me the confidence to make a decision on this matter.

That is why I have launched a "How would you woo Tina Firmoo?" competition.  Entrants must provide a 5000 word essay on what they would like to do with you on a date.  I've already asked some of my readers and, being the lonely eye-glass enthusiasts that they are, they are rather exicted to date a woman outside of a Steampunk rally. One guy chap said he'd like to take you ice fishing.  Another said he would take you to the cinema to see Terminator 2, provided you wore a clockwork outfit, 200 belts that don't give any support, and occasionally emitted scalding steam from your ears.  I said I'd see what I could do.

Do you have preferred type of date?  The winner would be the person who describes a scenario close to your ideal date. 

Thanks

And then, for some strange reason, the replies dried up. My guess is that she took one look at the creepy weirdo portfolio that is my fanbase and chickened out.  Yet again I have been thwarted by my legions of ugly readers.  I hope you folks are happy with yourselves!

Not Another Brain Shit

Hello friends!  Today, we're going to have a break from the Blog tour to bring you some urgent gibberish.  This is part of my long-running Brain Shit series, where I sit down and write with no real agenda and just see what comes out.  Below is what I cam up with, which hasn't been editted other than spelling alterations, and a nice picture.  Enjoy!

 
Being a streetlife hustler like myself, I often find myself playing the odds on a regular basis. “The Odds” being a weird couple called Bob and Marge who live down the street. They often come over for a game of Strip Operation, or Blind Man’s Boggle, which constitutes our usual game night. Other homemade games include “Name That Stink” and “How Much Mustard Can You Rub In Your Eyes Before You Have To Visit A&E”. I’ve consulted both Waddingtons and HB, but neither have accepted these ideas for commercial games.

Board games are a weird sort. They are like video games, but you don’t stare at a TV and often have to talk to people who are in the same room as you. Conversing with people is hard, especially when they won’t accept that your King can move anywhere on the board he likes, or else I’ll have everyone’s heads cut off. They didn’t think I was serious.

I tell you, heads on pikes are very good at deterring door-to-door salesmen. They do attract a lot of raccoons though, which is strange since raccoons are not indigenous to England. Who has unleashed this plague of flesh-eating raccoons upon us? Some would say that I’ve bought it on myself, what with the decaying corpses of my enemies/board game opponents rotting away in a ditch. It tends to attract unsavoury animals. But to attract animals from other continents takes a rather special type of rotting pile. That’s why I have made my New Year’s Resolution to extend my pit of death to unrealistic proportions. I will grow my deceased dungheap until more exotic, and possibly even extinct animals arrive to feast upon the remains. Once I get my first dinosaur I will have achieved my goals.

Now, there are some creationists who might say that is impossible, and that dinosaurs are the devil’s greatest hoax. Well, those people haven’t seen the prank I pulled on my friend Brad on April Fools. I rang him first thing in the morning and said “Hey Brad, did you know that you SUCK AT PARAGLIDING?!” Whilst it is technically true since Brad has never done any kind of gliding, para or otherwise, it upset him immensely and he spent the rest of the day indoors. I will buy him some paragliding lessons for his birthday this year.

Speaking of birthdays, I think it’s rather unfair that people have more birthdays than others. I only have one a year, but the Queen has two, and I know a guy who has fifteen. He makes me buy him presents for each one, usually involving dancing ladies who do high kicks and tell him it is his birthday all the time. I’ve never had dancing girls for my birthday, although a bird did crash through my window and did a death spasm on my cake once, which totally ruined my 5th birthday party.

Parties are an odd thing. Some people have parties, but some people belong to parties. Then you have party political broadcasts, which are nowhere near as fun as they sound. I’ve seen David Cameron downing a few brews at a house party and trying to get Samantha into an upstairs bedroom, which turns out to be occupied by Vince Cable doing blow off of Clegg’s crack. That would be a good night, not that I endorse drug taking. I only endorse drugs in a humorous context where politicians might be taking them and being sleazy at a teenage house party. Which is nothing like Noel’s House Party as there is no bulbous pink man covered in spots.

That reminds me of a phenomenon that is sorely lacking from television today. No one gets slime poured on them on a regular or even semi regular basis anymore, and it’s a downright shame. Have we evolved beyond a good primetime gunge tank? The heady thrill of luminous slime being dumped on some poor idiot who didn’t know the capital of Bulgaria is a thrill that I’m not sure I can live without. Back in the 90’s, gunge tanks were a staple of any TV set. I seem to remember that they had one installed on News At 10, where Trevor MacDonald would sit in it and get slimed if he mispronounced his words. Luckily for his drycleaner, he was very professional and stayed mostly dry.
That’s the thing I miss the most about my childhood. That, and finding porn in bushes. When I was a lad, any small forest contained a smattering of porn somewhere if you searched hard enough. The equivalent nowadays would be finding an iPad showing live webcams of girls in your area, but most people just watch their porn at home these days. These truly are sad, sad times that we live in.

Phew, I feel so much better now I've got that out of my system.  The Blog tour will resume shortly, so join me next time when I invade some other poor sap's Blog.  Until then, stay slinky.

How To Tackle Writer’s Block

If you are reading this, chances are that you are a writer and have your own Blog.  As people who write, we all struggle with that terrible affliction known as writer’s block.  Sometimes our creative colon gets bunged up with ideas that we have no idea how to express, or sometimes we find ourselves artistically douched.  How do you tackle this problem?

In fact, this is one of the questions I get asked most frequently.  That and “Do you deny the allegations against you?”  Since I stick to a strict schedule and always update twice weekly, this is an understandable question.  I thought it might be useful to share some of my writing tips with you in the hope that you too can moisten your creative dry spells.

Step 1:  Recycle.  Surely there’s a joke or two that you can pluck out again and repurpose.  Why not revisit an old article and put a new spin on it?  No one will notice if I do another agony uncle post, will they?  When that deadline’s approaching you should throw away that artistic integrity faster than Usain Bolt on laxatives.  Don’t be afraid to retread old ground, as trodden ground is often landmine-free.

Step 2:  Approach the page in new and different ways.  I occasionally like to crabwalk towards the keyboard in the hopes that inspiration will strike.  At other times, a backwards roll towards the PC has resulted in the epiphany I need to finally finish a top ten list of favourite farts.  Alternatively, I like to pretend I’m a prisoner with no access to a pen, so I write my posts in blood.  Sadly enough, my boss doesn’t like it when I smear blood all over my work monitor, but he’s just trying to stifle my creative vision!

Step 3:  Ignore the white space.  The white space on a page can be your most daunting critic.  It mercilessly mocks you for your inability to fill it properly, to satisfy it fully, and chastises you over your pathetic ineptitude.  This is why you should use coloured paper, or mess with the colour balance on your monitor to turn it to a nice shade of inspirational lilac.  Prolonged exposure may burn your retinas out, so be careful with this technique.

Step 4:  Two part posts!  If you can just stretch that word count a little further, you can almost justify a two-parter.  That’ll keep the punters at bay for another day.

Step 5:  Avoid insanity.  Whilst you sit in front of your screen watching the font cursor dutifully blink at you with alarming repetition, it is surprisingly simple to slip into lunacy.  This happened to me once.  I started to envy that blinking cursor.  He had a constant task; to blink on and off at regular intervals.  He is good at his job, whereas I can’t string two measly words together!  I spent the rest of the afternoon timing that cursor’s blinks with a stopwatch, checking that his sequence was completely and unrelentingly correct.  I swear that once it blinked twice in a beat rather than once, and I will still believe that no matter how many times Microsoft tell me to stop reporting the issue!  But, er, yeah don’t do that.

Step 6:  If all else fails, plagiarise!  P.S. thank you guys for being creative enough to keep me afloat for the past year.  If your ideas haven’t appeared here so far, rest assured that I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Feel free to use these tips to your advantage.  Once you’ve successfully penned your novel/film script/magnum opus and become instantly and gloriously rich, remember your old pal Addman and the advice he gave you.  Remember to raise a glass in his honour and think to yourself, things weren’t too bad when I had to slum it on Blogger with the likes of him.  Also, send him a cheque for 10% of your earnings.  Make it payable to “Agnes McHugeboobs”, just don’t ask questions.

A-Z Introduction

Hi Muppets fans!

As you may already be aware, I am competing in the A-Z Blogging Challenge this year.  If you're not aware of this, then you have the deduction powers of a rusty teaspoon, seeing as there is a giant picture slightly to the right side of your field of vision which says "I'm part of the A-Z Challenge".  But I'm not here to insult you and your crippling inepitude all day.

As a result, I'm going to be posting a lot more throughout April to fulfill the challenge.  I'll be posting every day except for Sundays, because Sundays don't count.  Sundays are for lolling around naked, letting your genitals dangle in a bowl of cheesey nachos as you waste the entire day doing a fat load of piss all.

On all other days though, expect to see posts galore as I work my way through the alphabet; a new letter and topic for every day.  I was trying to think of a theme for the challenge to make it, well, more challenging.  However, most themes I came up with such as "brands of washing powder" or "best insults that have been shouted at me by formerly close relatives which lead to my eventual nervous breakdown" were too narrow in scope and couldn't cover the full alphabetic spectrum.  Instead, I just wrote a list of topics for each letter, and a theme started to emerge of it's own accord.

Now I know my A-B-C's.  This challenge is proving to be quite a useful reminder.

The theme shall be; Me!  That's right, me!  It's not self indulgance; it's a psychological rollercoaster into my interests and personality.

I try not put a lot of myself into my writing.  This is a concious effort as I don't want mundane details of my life pouring onto this Blog, turning it into a diary about me getting angry on the commute to work.  Inversely, I've noticed that I know a lot more about the people who read my Blog than they probably know about me.  So consider this an education, a getting to know you exercise in which you can share in my hobbies, passions, or just themes and concepts which I find interesting. 

The only reason I've not done this before is to stop me revealing my own sexual deviances, such as how I love to place my member between the strings of a harp and strum my way to ecstasy.  Or at least, I would if I had a harp, or infact any stringed instruments.  Instead, I just let my pubes grow long and weave them into a rudimentary instrument.  I've singlehandedly transformed the world of busking forever!  And now I've said too much, so I'll leave you with a plea to read my stuff over the next month, and I'll see you on the other side.

Love and sausages,

Addman

P.S. If you feel inclined to do so, feel free to follow Muppets For Justice on Facebook.  Click on the big blue F to the top right, or follow this link if you don't fancy scrolling all the way back up:  http://www.facebook.com/MuppetsForJustice

I Hate Facebook

Although it’s been said many times, many ways; I hate Facebook.

It wasn’t always this way. A few years ago, Facebook was one of my favourite things on the Internet. There were fun times to be had with humorous status updates, catching up with old friends, and insulting people on various extreme right wing groups.

Back in 2009 I started using the Notes feature to automatically import posts from Muppets For Justice directly onto my Facebook profile. You just simply pointed it at your URL, and it created a Note everytime it detected a new post, then alerted all of your friends to it. This was a brilliant automatic feature. For a long time I had two small communities following the stuff I’d written, one on Blogger, and one on Facebook which my family and friends read.

Then, the evil Lord Zuckerberg noticed that Facebook had become an Internet sensation. Hundreds of millions of people were logging on every day to tell the world what they had for dinner, or to insult their boss after adding their boss as a friend, and this pleased Zuckerberg.




So ladies, what first attracted you to the fabulously wealthy Mark Zuckerberg?

Despite his billions from advertising revenue and millions of loyal minions, he still found himself worried by a new social network launched by Google, appropriately named Google+. This angered the Dark One. How dare someone try and emulate his success? It’s not like he’d ever taken elements from other people’s websites to try and improve his own. Facebook Chat is in no way like other IM programs such as MSN Messenger (or as it’s now known, Live. God, that makes me feel old). This new social network would have to die. Sitting in his crimson citadel of the damned, the Demon Prince Of Teh Internets began to formulate a plan.

Fast forward a month or two, and Facebook suddenly drops its support for importing posts from Blogger (a Google company). For someone like me, that meant my readership was instantly cut in half. By way of apology for this heinous crime, Facebook cheerfully announces “you can always link people to your Blog through status updates”.

Thanks a fucking bunch for this helpful fucking feature you fucking fuckity fuckers! I’m so pleased that a beautifully automated process has been replaced with one which requires me to manually pester my friends and family like an extreme version of Nathan Barley.  As if people don't hate me enough!

So, there I go, laboriously posting a link each and every time I update (and yes, my problems are just as important as third world famine), when suddenly, Facebook informs me that I cannot post links to Muppets For Justice any longer, as it has been reported as "offensive".

What the titty-drippings is so offensive about my blog?  This place is about as offensive as a Christian pamphlet.  Or perhaps a Christian pamphlet folded in such a way that it looks like a phallus.

On another note, have you noticed that Facebook tends to display updates from people you don’t really like? According to my extensive research (i.e. a video that someone showed me), there is an algorithm which calculates how often you interact with certain people, and then shows you the status updates the people you are least interested in. It would seem that this is an effort to stop you from neglecting your least favourite friends. However, what this fails to realise is that there’s probably a strong case for not talking to those people very often. Perhaps it’s the annoying way in which they post every minute detail about their moronic children:

“shaneliza jus woke up an puked on herself!!! shes so clever!!!!1 i love mine princess foreva neva forget babydoll loves always!!!!!!!!!!11”

Or maybe it’s the moronic way in which women that end up in bad relationships end up posting things like this on a monthly basis:

“stupid fuckin men r all the same!!!! much better off single wiv my baby girl shaneliza huw i luv more than life itself!!!!!!”





I hope that one day these people will realise that, in a moment of self reflection, the only constant in their failed romances is themselves. The fact that Facebook tries to cram more of this junk onto my screen is one of the most annoying aspects.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes I will still be using Facebook, yes I do have a tendency towards hyperbole, and yes, the rages are becoming more frequent.  Next time, a rant on how much I hate reaching for the remote control.  I can feel a lie down in a darkened room coming on. And a wank.

A-Z Of Blogging

In the immortal words of the French philosopher Descartes; "sup peeps".  How's it hanging?  I hope you've participated in causing a massive downward spiral in the turkey population and that you're ready to go back to school/work/daytime television.

Before Christmas, I came across another blog which I found rather interesting.  It is called the A-Z Of Blogging, and it challenges bloggers to write a post a day for an entire month (excluding Sundays).  Every day should be inspired by the next letter of the alphabet, meaning that you'll have 26 posts for all 26 letters by the end of the month.  The challenge starts in April, so you have plenty of time to prepare.

I've decided to give it a go this year.  It sounds very simple, yet also very time consuming.  That's why I don't want to do it alone.  In an effort to get you all to write some interesting stuff for me to read, I encourage you to give it a try.  We can be Blog Buddies!  I assure you that no one will point and laugh at us.

If you are interested, please visit their blog for more information.  There's some sort of sign up thing at some point in January which you'll have to do, and I think they have a logo which you can put up on your Blog too.  Who knows, you may come across some really interesting blogs, and you might bring in a lot of new readers for your own.

http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/

One Way Traffic

If, like me, you always thought that social sciences were about as insightful as a Tarot reading from a moose, you'd be in the majority.  Although, in these trendy, technological, hellzapoppin' times, it is possible to study user demographics quite easily.

Blogger is rather good at this, and it allows me see what key words people searched for in order to bring them here.  Some of them I can totally understand, some are much more perplexing.  From these statistics, I can safely say that virtually no one who visits here actually finds what they are looking for.  Here's a summary of the most outstanding hits from the last week:

nazi super weapons - 22:  Ever since Fort wrote a piece about Nazi weaponry, it has been the biggest source of traffic for this blog.  This makes me especially jealous considering that he hasn't wrote anything for at least 3 years, and I've written well over 100 posts.  Nothing will ever be as popular as the weapons used by genocidal maniacs.

unlock iphone4 - 5:  Why?  I don't think I've ever mentioned iPhones.

Young kids cunts - 2:  This will be from an article I posted called "Your Children Are Cunts".  In trying to make a political point, I've managed to turn Muppets For Justice into a paedophile haven!  What does scare me though is that 2 people had the audacity to enter those words into Google in the first place.

"cyber jesus" - 2:  Cyber Jesus?  There's only one cyber jesus, and that's Holly from Red Dwarf.

judge muppets names - 1:  I wonder if this person actually wanted a critique of puppet monikers.  If so, I happen to think that Kermit is an apt name for a frog, and I give it 7/10, two thumbs up, and this face :).  Hope this helps you to find inner peace.

freaking hot amatuer women - 1:  Well, horny sir, I hope you got what you were looking for.  I myself am an amateur woman, as I am not developed enough to be a professional one.  Please feel free to indulge your carnal desires over my profile.

wiggly worms you just can't catch em song - 1:  This is just awesome.  I think the person who searched for this might be my soul mate.

This is further proof, if needed, that the average person who reads Muppets For Justice is a socially maladjusted, psychopathic pervert.  No offence.

Radical Retro Wordage

Can you imagine a time before the Internet?  I can't any more.  Too much screen time has effectively killed off my long term memory...and my short term...what?

After doing some research, I discovered that the Internet used to be powered by a crank, and due to war rationing, was only available for 20 minutes a week before the national anthem was played, and the whole thing was shut down in case Germans wanted to use it.  But did you know that much of the terminology used on the Net originated from rural England?  I've traced the coinage and morphology of web language, and as you can imagine, these terms had a very different meaning back before the World Wide Web.

App - Back before Apple shortened the word "Application", people in county Devon had shortened the word "Appropriate" for the same effect.  Usage - "The way he irrigated his field so provocatively was just not app".

Googling - This referred to the rather violent act of pushing a member of the opposite sex to the floor and assaulting them with your genitals.  This was a popular pastime in the 60's, back when words hadn't been invented to initiate intercourse, and was engaged in by both genders during times of immense frustration.

Web - This was used to refer to the beautiful silky spiral constructs found in forests and areas which haven't been cleaned.  No one knows what makes these little miracles, but many believe it is the invisible silk gnomes attempting to ensnare the souls of children.  This phenomena still occurs today.  Oh, and don't attempt to search for a solution online.  Searching for the web on the web can crash the Internet, or so I have been reliably informed.

Tis not natural!

Blog - In remote areas of the Peak District, this refers to a mardy person rather than a web log.  For example - "What's up with him?  He's got the blog on, hasn't he?"

LOL - This used to be an inland Naval distress signal which meant "Losing Our Lives".  Of course, what many sailors in the dark ages didn't realise is that they needed water to sail in.  Many brave women and children lost their lives when trying to mount an invasion against the Icelandic people, by setting sail from the top of Snowdonia.

eBook - In the same vein as "Eee by gum", the term "eBook" originally came into use to express mild surprise about a bound parchment.

Wi-Fi - This was an ancient form of martial art conducted in Newcastle in the late 1700's.  Although it was first known as "Wi-Aye-Fi", it was shortened due to the fact that many participants in the discipline had lost their teeth.  This majestic fighting style involves glassing an opponent with a bottle of the ceremonial liquid, "Newkey Brown".  The last one to end up in A&E is declared the winner.

Epic Win - A term which was only used to describe the heroic feats of generals who, with only 100 able bodied men, had managed to fend off the invading fleets of the entire world, killed all who stood in the way, and disembowelled one of the Gods in a seventeen day fist fight on top of an erupting volcano...in space!  This is in direct contrast to these days, when the term can be used to describe someone who has posted an amusing image on the Internet.

Impressive but...Alright, it's pretty epic, I'll give you that.

That's all I've managed to find for now.  If you know of any more pre-Internet words (or as it will be known in the years to come, the Printernet), please share them with me.

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On another note, I'm looking for topic ideas for an upcoming article.  In a similar vein to this post, if you have anything at all that you want me to write about, feel free to suggest.  You can do this by commenting on this post, sending me an email at addman_00@hotmail.com, or if you are reading this on Facebook...commenting I guess.  I'll do my best in include all submissions.

100th Post Extravaganza

We don't tend to have much to celebrate here at Muppets For Justice. It's very rare that a day goes by where we don't get spat on in the street, or a celebrity publicist sends us a letter bomb in retaliation for something we've written. However, today there shall be cake, for this is the 100th post on this blog!

You may think that 100 posts has been a long time coming, and indeed it has. My update schedule has been a little bit lacking to say the least. But let me assure you, dear reader, that enough material has now been written to last until September at least, with much more currently in the works. You can expect updates at least twice a week (Mondays and Fridays) for the next two months guaranteed. Hopefully, this momentum will allow me to keep on top of things and stick to schedule for much longer than that.

Anyway, since this is an important milestone for this lil' ol' blog, Muppets For Justice has decided to be incredibly self indulgent and has produced an exclusive interview for you. We asked sultry screen starlet, Scarlett Johansson to interview chief writer Addman. For more information, please use your eyes on the words below:

Scarlett: Firstly, I'd like to start by thanking you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be here.

Addman: Not a problem.

Scarlett: Secondly, there's something I'd like to ask you. What kind of name is Addman?

Addman: It's just a nickname. It's something I've used for a long time now-

Scarlett: Makes you sound like numerical supervillain. Anyway, where do you get your inspiration?

Addman: I just try to see the funny side of current events. Occasionally my posts come across as a bit ranty and my political leanings tend to come to the forefront, but mostly it's just a piss take. Nothing on here should be considered to be anything more than tongue-in-cheek.

Scarlett: Is there any subject that is off limits?

Addman: Very few subjects are, although I try to avoid tragedies directly. As such, I won't be making jokes about the Norwegian massacre itself, but the piss poor news coverage and the religious fundamentalist responsible are fair game if you ask me.

Scarlett: What can we expect from Muppets For Justice in the future?

Addman: More of the same, I expect. I know that my writing has a distinctive style, but I hope it doesn't get too samey for some people. There are new topics of discussion cropping up all the time, so I hope we don't cover much of the same ground over and over.

Scarlett: Where is Fort?

Addman: He was last seen leaving a shady establishment, walking gingerly and wearing a latex sailor suit. In all honesty, he's got his own life and I'm still stuck here, trying to be funny on the Internet.

Scarlett: Thank you for your time.

Addman: Thanks. Oh, and I didn't want to be rude, but can you wear a top next time you interview someone? It's rather distracting.

I hope that has been illuminating for you. Anyway, I'll leave you with some posts from yesteryear. These are a small selection of my personal favourites that I'd like to highlight again for anyone who's interested:

Queue Nation - A queue outside a department store takes on a life of it's own.

The Shalom Saga - An Indonesian woman contacts me to get a free trip to England. I string her on for as long as possible (part 2 here).

Pointers On Last Night's Orgy - Constructive criticism for a better orgy.

Top Ten Nazi Superweapons - Interesting read about, well, Nazi superweapons. Written by Fort, this article still brings in a lot of traffic even now.

Thank you one and all. Business returns to normal next Monday.

Thanks go to Lana_Lite for providing Scarlett's questions.

Muppet Makeover

Muppets For Justice has finally had a makeover! The last layout was so 2007, so welcome to the Muppets For Justice of 2011, with it's sharp lines and serious, black blackness of the future.

It's amazing that I've never had a play around with the layout editor before. When I first started this blog, there wasn't one, so I had to rely on my own unsteady hand and eye-for-anything-other-than-detail. Thanks to Blogger's easy to use interface, I've managed to create something a little sleeker and easier to read (by using most of the standard settings).

Anyway, what do you think? An improvement?

http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/