Monday, 23 November 2009

The Shalom Saga: Part 1 (possibly)

Hello, hola, guten morgen, bonjour, and ay up me duck. Today, I am pleased to introduce you to Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari (or Anny for short). Anny is a crazy chick from Indonesia who is cruising for a Western boyfriend, possibly so that she can escape her impoverished country and live the high life on a council estate somewhere near Dagenham. I received a message from her and decided to roll with it. Here is the original message:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

NIce to meet u on....can i joint with u'r fb, so can you add my fb..please.....! i want to relationship with u. iam indonesian............!!!Jesus Love U....guys......!!

A relationship you say? But you don't even know me! Time for a new fake account to shine. I assume the role of Bradton, a character who I hoped would put her off coming to England for good. Bradton is wheelchair bound, which I assumed would put her off straight away but it only made her more enthusiastic. Here's my response:

Bradton Paige

Hi Anna, lovely to meet you. Are you really interested in a relationship with me? You look rather lovely, how old are you? I'm from the UK, so I imagine that a relationship with you in Indonesia might be difficult to attain, but I willing to give it a try as you are beautiful.

However, before we embark on our wonderful relationship together, I have something that I must tell you. I am leg mental. Neither of my legs work thanks to a motorcycle accident when I was 6 years old (I tried to jump over three other children on a Harley Davidson). Does this fact jeopardise our relationship, or are you prepared to love me for who I really am (a cripple)?

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Shalom.............., morning .....Bradton....!!!do not worry about u...!! Jesus always love u....guys....!!!..., if near the distance UK-----Indonesia..., i can close with.u.., whatever u'r condition...i don't care...... i can feel your....sadness......, but i can support with u..., by pray...from here...( indonesia).........., as Jesus always love ...anybody.. " he love unconditional.." and knowing u...more.....! i,am..37 th...., how old are, every nigh i want to pray for u, we ask to JESUS.., " ONLY HIM can do MIRACLE " JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!.., would u be my friend....?so would u add my FB...please...?, we can chatt...more .......!!, make u priority in u'r life that JESUS EVERYTHING.....! HE can help u.......! can i seee u'r SMILE............?????.. Yes...u'are my BEST FRIEND NOW....., in my Hearth now.., in my!! always...

It seems that Anna knows very little about British men except that they are from a Christian nation, so they must love Jesus by default. I've always wanted to be in someone's "hearth", but I always banged my head on the mantle piece.

Bradton Paige

Anny (can I call you Anny? You can be my Anny Wanny), I am pleased to hear that you still want to be with me despite my poorly bottom half. Many English women won't look at me twice and sometimes spit at me when I ask them if they want to dance. I am over the moon that you are strong minded enough to see past my spaghetti legs.

In answer to your question, I am 20, so there is a slight age gap between us, but I believe that love can blossom in the most obscure places, even on the battlefield. What I mean is, if our love is strong and true, we will not need to worry that you will die a good 17 years before me and that you will reach the menopause long before they find a way to cure my erectile dysfunction. These facts will be eroded away by the juices of our love.

Anny, please forgive me as I am about to suggest something that might make you a little nervous. I would like to meet you in person, face to crotch. I'm not sure how we will achieve this as we live so far apart, but I'm sure Jesus will show us how. England is a lovely country to visit, especially the part in which I reside (Dagenham). I would love for you to see the glimmer of the first frost on a crisp winter's morning, marvelling in wonder as it shimmers on a bin bag that the council has failed to collect, as they are on strike. You would love it here Anny. People are very friendly to foreigners and love to let them stay in council houses for free, and sometimes even pay them so that they don't have to find work. Please let me know what you think of this, my body is aching to hear from you.

If that doesn't put her off, nothing will!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Shalom,.......night ...bradton...... ( thx , u call me . with special sweat.....!!!???, hem nice..........) . ......can u imagine...and can u see my exspression...." i'm shock",because u look older than u'r picture.( soorry i'm tooo honest)..but no problem 4 me.u can be me as u'r sister now..., really.....exactly... ! u stay in dagenham..- England .?, can u sent me u'r address ..??? i want to send my letter and my picture , would u...?. .i have blessing family.... for more details..i want to write on letter..4 sent me u'r address soon. , let me.. know how u'r parent ( both parent dad n mom).and i think don't never talk that u have spagehetty legs! , u not self confidence...! ???, my brother.....i love u....what ever u are...!!, remember !! i alway pray 4 u...., u can share with me any time by FB or u can sent a letter. ( my address in Indonesia : ((EDITED OUT)) ) , not far from Jakarta .. ........, Bradton...i'd better if u have self confidence........, everthing its gonna be allright.!!as long as u depent to JESUS...! oh...hi the way...u like movie..?., i like movie , cooking...!!, hemm..really....! what are special u'r habit../ hubby..?....ok...Brandy.....and i call u with little brother Brandy...... Have a nice dream..good sleep...... JESUS LOVE U......JESUS BLESSING U' fam......

Ok, doesn't look like she's going to be put off. Might as well have some fun with this:

Bradton Paige

I'm glad to hear that you are a good cook and that you like to watch movies. Have you seen Ratatouille? It's a film about a rat who can cook, so it combines both of your main interests. I would love to try some authentic Indonesian cuisine, and in return, I shall cook for you my world famous Bradton's Egg Vindaloo. It tastes great on sandwiches, but tends to dissolve the bread.

I will send a letter to the address that you provided, and in return you will have my address to send stuff back to. However, I am disappointed that you see me as a little brother. In England, relationships with your siblings are frowned upon, so I'm gutted that you do not want to date me. I would wine you and dine. I'd take you to the greatest restaurant in England, Little Chef. I'd introduce you to my Little Chef. We'd go for walks (well, maybe you would) at sunrise past the local working men's club when the drunkards are just starting to vacate the premises.

Anny, a miracle has just happened! Whilst writing this message, my previously defunct joy department has sprung to life! I haven't been this stiff since I fell out of my chair into the snow and was stuck for three hours! I think that perhaps it is the magic of you and our lord Jesus Christmas working together! Your correspondance is making me feel better, so please keep messaging me!


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Shalom........, good morning... Brandy..,can you apologize me. please...? i'm regreat 'cause make you disspointed. , have u already make the letter for me ...?, oh ya.., i want to repaired my provided : ((ADDRESS EDITED OUT)) (more complete and clearly than before). i want to read you 'r letter soon. are u'like music.., beside movie...????, i suggest 4 u if you want to hear my sing together with me .. come on......" You'r the inspirations" Peter cetera - Chicago. When something bothers me......i will the sing..soon. beside i love songs of Don a worship . One day i want to give u a NEW BIBLE...., as a something special you can save....between us. !!..would u.....?.how are u today....have a breakfast now..?., today i'm cooking like Bradton egg vindaloo.ha....ha..ha.....( fried egg)..he..mmm..yumy..........! Brandy..can you learn me English ..( language).... sometimes u'r english very difficult to understand.., if America (no grammer ). easy better to understand... !!..ok my Brandy..i wait your' letter..SOON......!!!!!!!!!!Kindest regard to you'r Mom and Dad........!!see u..... Have a nice weekand...

Unfortunately, I had a busy weekend so I couldn't respond to Anny Wanny, which seemed to make her go rather crazy and get really angry with me. I received these two messages over the course of the weekend, which degenerated into crazy stalker territory:

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Hi......time to church.....!!! wake up....wake up....hurry up....Jesus wait u......., me too..

mm.....mmmmmmm...........???????!!@#$ck...ckkkkkzzzzzzzzz.......z......z....zzzz.....( my handphone ((EDITED OUT)) ). and u...?????????

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

hi....Brad........!! ( i change u'r name).., i hate u..cause,,u make me so sad! why....?, yes u are very stricht....!!!, u are very...feel inferior...! i.m loosing u for a view days.., u know....!!, who which feel inferior should me ... but now i dont' care about you. i will treat u as 40. ( balance...)....yeah..we will not to worry again. we can walk a blessing couple ! ..we can...belove together..! i never regard as u as gutted..please !!, after i know what u means in a mesage...i want cry..., how very as u suffering, lonely..., useless......!! once again i dont, care about u..!!! whatever u are...., i can .be u'r "any wany."..did u not miss me.....??, u didin't need more time to know " i falling in love with u"!!!!!!, i will not call u by " little brother" ...! remember ...u promise to me that u want cook and take me to dine and wine....!.! i give u acces to find me by letter, by phone ((EDITED OUT)) or fb. Wellcome to my hearth..!!, can u give me u'r number ..? ( handphone)...?? , once again.....Jesus love u , me too

Oh dear, my Indonesian bride to be is angry! Let's see if we can get this back on track:

Bradton Paige

Shabba...Anny (I'm learning Indonesian, I hope I got it right).

Your message is very confusing. Is it because I haven't been in touch over the weekend? I am terribly sorry for this as my Internet Servicing Company have been angry at me because I refused to pay them for the excess bandwidth I used whilst trying to decrypt your messages. I think that Talk Talk are just a bunch of racists who don't like Indonesia. I hope I can resolve this matter soon and talk to you through the power of the Internet more often.

My handphone is 0114 5509750 ((FAKE)). If you intend to ring me, please do so between the hours of 7:33 PM - 8: 54 PM (GMT PMSL ASL) as I will certainly be in during these times and I won't be on the phone to hot local girls in my area. What are the best times to call you? I would love to hear your shrill, unintelligible dialect.

Anny, I have sent a letter via pen and pigeon to the address that you provided earlier. I hope it reaches you soon because you sound very saddened by the lack of paper based contact with me. Please do not think that I am going off of you. I am currently trying to clear out the spare room in case you wish to visit me and would like someone to stay with. You will have your own drawer to put your shit in too! No sleeping in the stair cupboard for you! Hahahahaha!

Please say that I am still in your hearth, for you are in mine always, burning on the coals of our eternal love until nothing but your skeleton is left.


Your Brad.

Marvellous! Well, that's all for now, but if she responds I'll post a new update. Hope you enjoyed it as much as Anny enjoys Mr Jesus.


  1. I love you.

  2. LOL you can get away with murder when you are talking to someone who doesn't understand English.


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