Friday, 27 November 2009

The Shalom Saga: Part 2

A big "Shalom" goes out to all of you lovely readers. No doubt you're pants-wettingly excited for the next instalment of this truly monumental moment of Internet history. Well, I shall delay no further. We jump right back into the action after I've sent Anny Wany a message to try and apologise to her for not sending her a message over the weekend.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

yess..!! !! i really love you..., i dont know how....? because i can falling in love again..( with u ) ..!! before.....i.m not guess!!!, sorry my my brad ..

i,m glad to hear that you are want to call me and return i want try to call you too at this time ( 07:33PM - 0854PM) why.....!!!whatever you'r reason, it's the best for u.
you can call me a 08:00AM-19:00PM(GMT).

My brad....! i say " you always in my heart, in my mind, in my soul , and what about you to me....!!.can you teach me in English , honey...?, i can't English very well.!! sorry.. . what s the meaning's " SHABBA" ..? can you tell me.please..?!!

zzzz.....zzzzz. , oh i.m very tired..., very2.tired , cause my best friend from college ( ceacillia) call me from Bali. surprise ..., but it,s too long , so my ear insensitive..., tirsty, hungry....zzzzzz....zz....zzzz...., however i want to send message for you, before going to bed....dream of you .zzz......zzzzz.. . .., good night honey....!!

love u...

u'r Annya Wany
Ok, now we're cooking with gas. I should give relationship advice or something like that! Anyway, Anny wants to learn how to speak the Queen's English. I shall become her tutor.

Bradton Paige

Shakira, Anny!

Anny, I am so happy to hear that you are in love with me. Your love is making my condition feel better every day. This morning I was able to move my big toe! At this rate, a kiss from you could have me running up and down the walls like crazy! I feel like I could love you for the forseeable future too!

I would be grateful if you would try and ring me as my telecoms provider (who I mentioned earlier. The ones who gave me Internet trouble) don't like it when I ring anyone except my grandma. The cost of the call isn't an issue to me though, I have more than enough money thanks to the disability benefits I receive and I'm considered to be quite wealthy. I didn't want to mention this earlier as I thought you'd only want me for my money, but I can now see that this is not the case as you are a caring, considerate woman who wishes to fornicate with an invalid such as myself.

Your English is almost perfect Anny. When you first messaged me, I thought it was a message from the Queen herself! However, if you learn want grammar good yes, I show wonderfully show you to the forming words in harmony. Here are a few words that you might need if you visit England:

Mug: Refers to a drinking container, a method of robbery, or a man who you don't like.

Slag: A term used to describe women who are provocative and will perform lewd acts in exchange for coins of the realm.

Muppet: A Fraggle that has levelled up too much.

Carpet: Something you walk on.

Jedward: A mythical beast with two heads. Each head is assigned to licking one of Louis Walsh's balls.

Parsnip: A vegetable that is often used during foreplay.

Oxygen: You'll need plenty of this in England! I don't think you've invented oxygen in Indonesia yet, but you'll get the hang of it pretty soon if you come here.

Hermaphrodite: A type of crab found off the coast of Cornwall.

Balsamic Vinegar: A type of vinegar that contains balsamic properties.

Credit Crunch: A type of breakfast cereal. Tastes great with stock broker's tears.

Short Shorts: What you will be required to wear. It's like an English uniform for women.

Are there any phrases or words you would like to learn? I'll teach you everything you need to know.

I'm pleased that you are dreaming of me Anny. I don't know if I dare admit this, but I had a naughty dream involving you, a horse, an electrode, and a vat of liquidised Cheesestrings. If you want the details, we broke into a Cheesestrings factory on horseback, shocked the guards with the electrode, and escaped with enough Cheesestrings to turn our skin pale yellow. I hope your dreams are as pleasant as mine.

Shish Kebab

Your Bradberry.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

hahahaha.....u 'are very naughty....hem.emmmmm.a kiss from me.....memm..uah.....! you can feel............?????, close you'r eyes give me you'r hand darling, do you feel my hearth beating, do you understand, do feel the same .........???????, !!you make me like teenager you know., but i like it.. you know i din't interseting grammar ,it.s too difficult to learn, just like america...( slank... to be easy....wkakkwakkkkkkk...). . but if you teach me.....and as reward from me i can you kiss...and kiss... for every day....!!!!!!!, easy brad...!!!, so i get something that i needed....( good pronuncciation with you)., look my interseting to make a messages u......., i think have a progress ..wit my english..., so thx my brad....!!

by the way, you still have dad n'mom...?, are you living there..or grandma..! i can imagine that you are very attached,!!.huhhh. now you 'are 40th., you my own!!!! hahaha.!!!......i want to embrace you...and than you kiss my lips with's sound very sexy.., but .nice....!!! .

some words of you makes me so illfeel, don't talk your about our case., i love whatever you can you love me as i love you ..??!! what are the hot locals girls your money than your!????, oh my god...its very terrible...for me.If someone have a true love... , should be to accept his/her couple in all condition whatever , however and than never.....!! absoulute.!! NO MOTIV .PROFIT!.OK.

MY BRADBERRY......, do you have a breakfast now....?,so wake up..i,m prepare hot chocolate.... for ours, mmmmmm, any cheeseburger made of me...too!!! nice...
In Indonesia i ussually going to AH-american hamburger.!it can found there with some rupiahs. ( 1U$ = RP 9.300, so you can pay RP 15.00 for 1 cups drinks and hamburger). Bradberry....., slow but sure i want to teach you with Indonesian language.., easy to learn, easy to understand....( now i.m you private teacher and you too). JESUS LOVE YOU!!!!

Wellcome to Indonesia,.wellcome to my life

Your Anny Wany
No Motive, no profit? That's not how we do business in this crazy cyberland which we inhabit together! Let's see if we can up the stakes a little bit...

Bradton Paige

Shaparone to you Anny.

It's great that you are familiar with The Bangles as they are one of my favourite bands. I went to see them live in the old country, oh the songs! What other music are you familiar with? I hope that you Indonesians have discovered the magic that is NDubz, otherwise you may England to be a strange and frightening place. I'll send an album out to the address that you provided so you can have a good old bop along to it.

Since we're talking about family, you might be saddened to learn that my father died rather recently. He was blowing up balloons and one snapped back into his face, pushing his eye into his brain. He was a good man who used to visit the children's hospital and give all of the poorly kids a nice massage, so it's sad that he's gone. My mother is still alive though, but she's probably staggering around in Amsterdam drunk off of her tits. She always turns up in the weirdest places. How are you parents? I would like to meets them. Does your house have wheelchair access?

It's reassuring to know that want me for my body and brains rather than my wallet, but know this Anny. When we get married next Thursday, you will want for nothing except sexual fulfilment. I will take us away on a honeymoon to an exotic country, such as Indonesia. You'd love it there; miles of sandy beaches which I won't be able to go myself because my chair will sink in the sand.

You have progressed with your English Anny Wanny, so much so that you are starting to create your own words through the process of coinage. Slank is a great word and I shall be using it to describe my friends and family in due course. Here's some more words:

Beans: A musical fruit.

Orange: A colour, and a non-musical fruit.

Crackers: White people who just don' know how to act.

Jupiter: A big gassy planet with the Eye Of Sauron on it.

Umbrella: Something which you can stand under.

Marmalade: Bait used to catch the mysterious bear which lurks around Paddington Station.

That's all for now. I hope you enjoy your breakfast of chocolate cheeseburgers. Please send photographs of them on you.

Yours throbbingly


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Bradton my computer in trouble all you 'r message it,s gone !!!., i don.t know how. at least i have allready read and copy in a paper. for all you'r messeges , ....please forgive me.!!. maybe my inbox it's too full...and overload...!!

My dad and mom wads died 8 years ago,my dad an accident, my mom destroyed by cancer...!! we are the big family :( all 7): 2 my little brother as a marines, 1 my big brother as an art teacher , 1 my old teacher as an art teacher too. they are have a family..( couple).

don't be sad.. ?about your dad and mom., .JESUS love both you'r parent. u'r dad IN HEAVEN. here are grandma who love you and ,me too.

Are you sure we are getting married....?, what about you' r grandma on me..?, what are knowing me, are you telling her..?. and what about your mom..too.?.
Thinks do it.! we have age a gap. . i don,t want you regreat later..!

But i,m proud just as i.m!!, no body can hurt me anymore.....!!Okey Brad...i want send some photographs later , after accept your letter that i reached it...

Be my Bradberry...forever...!!

Anny Wany.

Bradton Paige

Shark, Anny!

Your messages have been deleted? How did that happen? Perhaps the nefarious Mr Zuckerberg is prying into our messages and wants to put a stop to our blossoming love. However, he did not bank on the power of our love transcending Facebook and the Internet altogether! I am with you Anny, can you feel me blowing over you like a cold draft from a cracked window? Like a drop of melted snow plopping onto you through a leaky roof? You really should do this place up.

I am sorry to hear about your parents, but you and I both know that they are in a better place now, rubbing shoulders with my dad, Elvis, Pol Pot, David Carridine, Bob Geldof, and all those other guys. Jesus has saved their souls for his collection, and has probably pressed them into his stickerbook of salvation. My dad's soul is probably a rare shiny.

As for marriage, I was only joking about next Thursday (trademark British humour har de har) but it is my intention to marry you at some point during our illustrious love affair. After Christmas would be best because I would be unsure what to get you as a gift until we knew each other a little better. I've told my grandma about you and she said that you sound lovely, but that I should be careful when meeting strange ladies online. She says I shouldn't settle for a woman who doesn't have a cooch snugger than a pair of slippers, whatever that means. I think she means that I have to be comfortable with you, and Anny, I feel like I've known you forever.

Looking forward to seeing your photographs and your burger buns.

Yours erectly

At this point, Anny Wanny starts to bring back some of that trademark bonkers stalky stuff. I fail to respond to one of her messages overnight due to sleep, and I'm greeted with these messages the next day:
Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Brad....., if i hear the songs of " Chicago, Bangles, Phill Colins (Genesis) , i want to go to far away from Indonesia, i need others situation, others place to found " Best places for me " , i want flying high........, i feel i don't have anything to make' s me happy........, so i just and only depent to MY LORD JESUS. ... i have no parent.. to be share.........., all my sister/brother have activity..for him/herself...!! but i have nephew , his name Angga Prasetyo find at my friend list ( red t-shirt) , he's work as instructure fitness in a GYM. Maybe you can add on you,r fb- .

He, s knowing my sadness, my problem..., my obsetion, , sometimes he can be my friend , sometime i can be " nice aunty" for him.. .His mom..( my old sister, she's beautifull, her face like my late dad) .

Brad.....are you still pray...??, JESUS is MY PRIORITY in my life.!!, and a...administrator. Full igve thanks to JESUS. He's my SAVIOR,.!!. since i found you ,....i feel better too. i found my happines..!!, i can share with u. without pressure. thx my Brad..

I want to know, what are you thinking about me..!!, as a moody woman. Fisiclly i,m cute..many people say...i,m mungil.= teenager..! i 'd better by jeans and t-shirt, sometime sack- dress to going church. .. Relax.......! , 5 years ago i have a good job in Contactor company as a Purchasing . single fighter..., taft....! Now is collaps. ( Hyundai group). it,s over too..

i,am workalholic...., love in dicipline..and others.!! what about you...?may i question ..?" what wrong with you'r sexual", have problem.., maybe..! sorry..... Do not worry , it,s okey..!

How about you'r mom.., in Amsterdam- Dutch!. I hope everything it,s allright with her
You should be pray for her happiness.. That i believe she 's very love u.Brad. there are still love you, concern with you, " Grandma' how old your grandma n'mom..?. Brad..time to school...please, or home schooling .?, i want to bath.....!!
Love you always....

Anny Wany

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Morning..Brad, ....

I want to inform you, that today i have long trip to part of one the city in Indonesia, so you can,t find me anymore in mf FB. ( this is my duty as a marketing from my office).

I want to say "good by" let me bring my dream with you, i f i can't deny my feeling with you , i call you later you'r handphone......, please take cares of your's..Brad...!!!!.Jesus blessing you now and forever.( i ,m very needed your provided .( address in Dagenham) , once upon a time, i can..send you something as a souvenir from me. keep it!!, thx Brad....

So long....


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Sorry me, i can't hide my tears.!!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Hi....Brad, are you over there..!!are you angry...whit me..?, are you going to bed.zzzzz...zzz?. Say' something to me please, before i, d go, ! . I,m in this my office now.please . allright. excusme.

Alright, this has gone on long enough. Time to put this one in the vault. Let's invent an excuse to get out of this relationship. How about a jealous grandmother?

Bradton Paige

Slalom Anny Wany

Please forgive my lack of messages. You'll have to excuse me as I was asleep. Sleep is probably a bizarre concept to someone such as yourself who is used to toiling constantly through the night, but over here we have the luxury of rest.

Anyway, I'm afraid I have some terrible news Anny. My Grandma is against our proposed marriage. She said that if I were to marry you, she'd shave my legs and leave me chained to a lamppost outside of a working men's club, without pants on.

I am so sad that she refuses to acknowledge our love. I love her so much, but I love you too. I would do anything for love, but I won't get buggered by a hairy drunk. I simply refuse. How can I make her see that you are good for me?

Yours yoursingly

Your Bradflakes


Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

I can't hide from you,....., as you now tonight i, m cry...., your messages make me deep in sadness. but i want to fully restpect to your grandma, i can love her too.!!
(can't you give me Dagenham area code, i want to call you/sms by handphone).

My cars almost an accident, Brad, i can't contoll my emotion., very-very sadness.

Tomorrow i want to send messages in Indonesian...., you can look for the transletor . .
I can't talk too much this night....

Night Brad..( kiss me please, i miss you very much).

Anny Wany.
You almost crashed your car because an old lady thousands of miles away has reservations about you using her grandchild as a method to get into their country? Enough of this!

Bradton Paige

Shakaka Anny

I'm sure you can love my grandma. Would you love her softly and gently or would you love her hard? I'm sure my grandma would like it either way.

Anny, are you on the whacky baccy? I already gave you my phone number and area code for Dagenham. Have you lost it? I am looking forward to making vocal exchanges with your face.

Please do not crash your car because of my grandma. My grandma wouldn't want you to die, she just wouldn't want you within 50 miles of me. She said that actually.

Anny, I cannot kiss you as I currently using the Internet to communicate with you. Perhaps when my grandma is dead and you come to Dagenham, we can have a wet, slobbery smooch under the gleaming arches of McDonalds. Until then, you'll have to pretend.

Yours takingthepissoutofyou-ingly

Bradley Wiggins.

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

Night.! Hi......, can i say goodby for you.., Brad.!! I hope you can be grandchild , tobe your grandma...!. Jesus Love You.

Anna Maria

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

it,s mean good grandchild, to your grandma..!! Jesus love you'r.....always..

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

" Pray" and Bible. ( my phothograph in profile).

Morning... Night for U..., Brad Wiggins..., Hi...guys......i. have disspointed with you, so why......?, yeah., you talk to me that " i,m is vocals face."! , .., i have a PRINCIPLES , as i,m.! I have high Dicipline's on me. ...i have....etc.... , don't never talk like this to me please , i know you are..have ..! , everything you want's get, in your life . !!. guys.... Don't have in your mind that i want robber your rich....!!. okey..?. Please thx. Or...are you have a hot locals girls now...?, more better than i, more beautifull than i.

However, i,m really sorry...that i..decided to ..finish our love.....?.really sorry..., i. never won't hurt you. but you have hurt me ealier.! So can we.....revice our love..?
I want to make it happens , that i really love your grandma, make a breakfast for her, make it happy for her, as i can do for you.

Brad are you my messages now....?..please say...something to me..!, sent my apology to grandma....!

Off course.., you hate me now.., you angry now....!, please send to me your messages. Do it for me...!!!we can restar a new beginning to us. Maybe..! would you...!

I hope everything it,s okey with you and grandma., have a nice holiday. My Brad......( even you hate me, i stilll love u, and you'r in my hearth always). Jesus always love you.
me too.

Anny Wany.
You're not very good at taking hints Anny. Perhaps something more direct will help you out.

Bradton Paige

Anny, I'm afraid something terrible has happened.

As a wheelchair user, I often smoke marijuana to cope with the pain. I keep loads of it in the attic, but my Grandma in all of her jealous rage has informed the police and now I am being investigated. I am going to prison, Anny, for a long time. Years possibly.

Anny, I am so sorry that things have come to this. I will terminate our communications as the police want to know where I've been getting it from. If they find out that I've been talking to someone in Indonesia, they'll suspect you too. I suggest that you delete all of your messages from me to make sure that the police cannot trace this back to you. I'd hate it if that happened.

Be safe my Anny Wany. Please do not get caught up in this web of red tape that I am currently ensnared in. Know that me and my noodle-knees will always be thinking of you when I am engaged in red hot homosexual sex with the burliest man in the prison shower room.
I have since received four further messages expressing a mixture of confusion and disbelief (or so I believe). Rather than post them all and make this post longer than a really long thing being stretched, I'll post the best one here as closure. I hope you have enjoyed the Shalom saga and I hope that Jesus will forgive me for leading his strongest disciple astray. Tally bye!

Anna Maria Dyah Suryandari

You lier to me......! can you tell me what really happens with you honey...?
I think you lier , you bulshit about you 'r in a PRISON. How can.

I,m not sure that you ensnareed to smoke marijuana.
That,it lier...!! please so tell me....why....????????????????????????

What do you wants from me..?, i believe that you more needed me. .I can besides you..

Can i visit to Dagenham.., i want to see you..., i want to resign from my office now..! all everything feel so empty...! Can you accept me in Dagenham, i want to stay close with you and grandma.OK. said to me

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