It's that time of year again. Well actually, it's not Christmas yet; we're still a couple of months away from that. However, it is that time of year where we start to see Christmas adverts on TV and novelty, anthropomorphic children's characters arrive in your town to turn on the Christmas lights.
No doubt you're wondering what the must have toys for Christmas 2009 are going to be. Well, I can't speculate on that because I don't know, but I can make a list of the worst toys you could possibly buy for your children. I've searched the entire Internet (even that nobbly bit over there) and come up with what I think are the 15 worst toys ever made.
15. Harry Potter Vibrating Broomstick
This is a present that should be enjoyed by mothers rather than children. It makes the list because, well, would you want your child galloping around on a giant vibrator? Be careful of using this after someone else as you might catch Hogwarts.
14. Dora The Explorer Aquapet
No! Just no! Doesn't the company who made this have some sort of quality control? I mean, people are actually paid to design this!? Even if you can get over the ergonomics of this thing, it's still rather frightening to think that Dora is trapped in some kind of futuristic biopod that is probably feeding her the nutrients she requires to keep her alive inside of her eternal perspex prison of doom. I don't think she'll be doing any more exploring whilst encased in this phallic sarcophagus.
13. Darth Tater
Darth Tater would actually be a half decent novelty if it wasn't for the gaping vagina he seems to sport here. In actual fact, he's the least customisable Potato Head ever, and that completely kills the general concept of Mr Potato Head. They could have at least added some other parts to make other Star Wars characters, like brown velcro to make Wookie Tater.
Gliderman, Gliderman, does whatever...Spiderman equipped with a glider can. Now, this toy isn't terrible in that it's not poorly made (although the dayglo-chav trousers are unlikely to catch on as a fashion trend), and it's not inappropriate, but there's something odd about the convoluted concept behind this toy. Why would Spiderman need to own a gliding suit? It's not like his feet ever touch the ground as it is what with all the web slinging, wall climbing, and leaping over skyscrapers like a flea on hot coals. It'd be like trying to persuade Usain Bolt to use Wheelies.
11. Barack Obama Rubber Duck Toy
Hooray! Generic patriotic black man toys! Honestly, this monstrosity bears virtually no resemblance to any persons living or dead, let alone the president. I think most women's dreams of climbing into a bath with Barack Obama will have to wait. Personally, I'm holding out for the lifesize version.
10. Sunburnt Guy
Probably the most lifelike builder toy to date. I really hope that this one is fake.
Gobots are basically the poverty stricken, wartorn leper cousins of the Transformers, as you can see by the guy on the left with half of an industrial tanker on each leg. They are generally considered to be simplistic and inferior to their more popular counterparts, but they were popular enough to spawn comics and cartoons too. I think people in the 80s had ridiculously low standards.
8. Jesus Piggy Bank
This is the type of present that informs you that your parents don't love you. It's a lame pun splattered on a lame depiction of Jesus. Also, Jesus presents are never going to win the love and devotion of your children even if you've raised them as fundamental as you possibly can. Besides, I wouldn't trust Jesus to look after my money as it would just slip straight out of his hands.
7. Dog Mind Reader
I wouldn't want to know what my dog was thinking if I strapped that collar round it's neck. I'd rather that my own death was a complete surprise. My guess is that the doggy mind reader works a little bit like those mood rings, only they don't tell you when your dog is feeling horny. Actually I take that back. Given the calibre of toys featured so far, it probably does tell you when your dog is horny.
6. Jesus Bot
Crusaderbot lands on Japanese shores to convert the sacrilegious fleshy ones! Yet another poorly conceived Christian toy makes our list, but this one has the added bonus of that famous Japanese madness which we've all grown to love. Generally, when advertising and marketing gurus design packaging, the last thing they'd do is stick on a picture of a frightened man screaming "NO!" when faced with the product. However, the best aspect of this photo is that Cyber Jesus appears to offering flowers, as if this toy can help you pick up girls. Do you know how many flowers were destroyed in the process of creating you, Jesus Bot? Your paltry offering will not make amends with mother earth.
5. Pee and Poo
I suppose this is a substitute for children who really enjoy playing with their own excrement, like nicotine patches for scat enthusiasts. The expression of sheer despair plastered all over Pee's face is the worst bit. The realisation that he is modelled after a glob of piss must be the most mortifying sensation in the world.
4. Epidermits Thing
One look at that thing and I'm sure you've already learned everything you've ever wanted to know about Dildoswine McPubeface here. In all honesty I've no idea what it is, but research suggests that it's a toy, so enjoy.
Oh fuck, not these again. NEXT!
I'm starting to see a recurring theme in a lot of these toys. All I've got to say is be careful when you go over bumps on this thing.
1. Peekaboo Pole
It's hard to tell if this is a toy aimed for children or not, but if the Daily Mail can get in a flap about it, then so can I. In actual fact, the packaging has a friendly cartoon lady on it, and the product also contains pretend money, so I'm guessing that it is aimed at the juvenile consumer. I hate to be prudish about such an item, but I find it completely inappropriate that this toy exists and doesn't contain a "no touching" sign to hang above your door. It's rule number 1 under my roof.
So there you have it. 15 terrible products that you'd only buy if you wanted your children to run away from home. Here's my advice to parents; stay safe, and stick to Sea Monkeys.