Contact The Company 2: Christmas Edition

In the run up to the Christmas season, I felt it was time to brush off my corporate annoyance of an alter ego, Alan Paige. Alan's had a busy Christmas period this year, trying to find suitable toys for his son Bradton.  Unfortunately, most of those toys are either unsuitable or just plain rubbish, forcing Alan to send in a lot of complaints to companies.  Here are the results:

First up, a complaint to Halfords about their children's bikes:

Dear Sir/Madam


I recently purchased one of your bicycles for my son Bradton, which I thought would be the perfect present for him on account of its wussy girliness (he’s not the most macho of boys). Although I originally purchased it as a Christmas present, due to his incessant whining I let him have it early. The glee on his face as his pasty, spaghetti arms tore into the wrapping paper was like watching a starving man tear into a packet of peanuts. He couldn’t wait to open the package and taste the salty goodness.


Alas, tragedy struck as Bradton found the bicycle to be precariously unbalanced. Due to his cripplingly crippled legs, he hasn’t been able to stay on the bike for more than a few seconds without hilariously cracking his head open in the rockery, or falling down a pot hole.


I don’t think you have taken the necessary design precautions to make sure that your product is compatible for disabled users. I thought I’d offer a few suggestions which would improve your bikes for the disabled community:


1) Give them four wheels rather than two for extra stability.


2) Rather than an exposed seat, you should put a chassis around it to encase and protect the rider. You should include a couple of doors too.


3) A passenger seat so that a supervisor can sit in the bike in case of emergencies.


4) Headlights so that the user can be seen in oncoming traffic.


5) A diesel engine, for faster commutes.


I hope you will take my design revisions into consideration in future.


Thanks


Alan Paige

Halfords sent back a rather bland reply.  Presumably they decided that I wasn't genuine and that I wasn't worth bothering with.  Not sure what gave them that idea:

Dear Mr Paige,
Thank you for your email.
Halfords welcome feedback from our customers and we will certainly ensure that your comments are passed onto the relevant department for their future consideration.


Thank you for taking the time to contact us and please be assured of our best attention.


Kind Regards,


Mrs E Valentine
Customer Service Advisor

Next, there was a weird looking shark toy at Toys R Us.  Time for a complaint!

Dear People/Humanoids,

I am writing to inform you that your shark toys are completely inappropriate for youngsters. I purchased one as a Christmas present for my son, Bradton, as he has a fascination with the natural world. However, due to a regrettable shark attack when he was a toddler (Bradton was badly injured by a loan shark. I used him as a human shield during a disagreement about repayments), this triggered a rather negative reaction. Bradton went, as described by his doctor, “Batshit Insane”, flailing his arms and legs around like a squid in a hurricane. I was forced to punch him until he eventually calmed down.


What I would like to see is a redesign to these toys. If you can remove the sharp teeth and make them more rabbit shaped, I’m sure you’d have a brilliant shark toy on your hands that kids would love.


Yours forever n’ ever


Alan Paige

They respond awesomely:

Dear Mr Paige

Regrettably, the Air Swimmer Shark is supplied to us by an external company.  As a result, we are unable to fulfill the design changes you requested.  We can relay your message on to the manufacturers and recommend that they take further care with their products in the future.

At least you made it out alive.

Thank you for your correspondance.

Then I decided to bother a larger company.  Lego seemed like an ideal candidate:

Dear Lego


With the darker months approaching, my wife Marlene has been pestering me to buy some presents for our youngest son, Bradton. Despite my protestations that he’d be happier if she stopped dressing him like a drunken farmer, she still thinks we should spend actual money on his happiness. Her suggestion was that I should purchase “a lego” for him.


After researching your products online, I’ve noticed that your bundles include many legos. I don’t think Bradton would enjoy a full set as he doesn’t have the necessary motor skills to build a fantastic medieval castle, or a rocket ship. Could you please give a quote for one lego? I’d like one that is 4x2 and is red in colour. Red is Bradton’s favourite, and I’m sure he’d enjoy the sensation of the smooth side on his tongue.


Thanks in advance


Alan Paige

Frankly, Lego's response was even more bizarre than my initial email:

Dear Alan,


Thanks for getting in touch with us regarding Bradton and a toy for him for the darker months. We can of course sell individual bricks, or alternatively by using Pick-a-Brick on our website, you can buy as many different LEGO elements as you would like.


The quote below is for a bright red, 2x4 DUPLO brick, as if Bradton is intending to lick our toys, we feel the larger the better in terms of brick size, to make sure he does not swallow it.


I've checked the prices for the piece you requested. The total amount is £ 2.84 including VAT and postage. For payment we accept Visa or Master credit cards.


Your order details will be stored in our database for the duration of 4 weeks. After this period of time, the details of your order will be deleted. Please ensure that you contact us before the end of that period so that you can place your order with us.


If you want to order these parts call one of our experts on 00800 5346 5555 (9am - 5pm Monday to Friday). You'll need to give them this reference number: 029772132A.


I also need to tell you that price and availability of these pieces can change.


Did you know that replacement parts can also be ordered and paid for directly through our Pick a Brick (PAB) service online? The price for elements might be lower and you can also order larger quantities. Please have a look at http://shop.lego.com/en-GB/Pick-A-Brick-ByTheme


The elements that we sell cannot be used for commercial purposes I'm afraid, so we ask that you do not use them for any sort of promotional campaign, marketing, PR or otherwise. We also ask that you do not associate LEGO elements with any other company's name or logo. For more details please see our "fairplay" policy on our website:


http://www.lego.com/eng/info/default.asp?page=fairplay


Thanks again for getting in touch and best of luck with Bradton and his style of clothing for the future.


Happy building!
Andy Gosling


LEGO Direct

Then I decided to email Monopoly with what I thought was an outlandish request:

Dear Monopoly Beings


I noticed that you sell a lot of special editions of your once popular board game, Monopoly. I’ve been looking at all of these, and I haven’t found one that I think my family would enjoy. Then, all of a sudden, an idea stuck me. What if the makers of Monopoly would make a personalised version just for us?


What I’m asking is, would you make a version of Monopoly based on my house? It’d be called “Paigey’s Palace” and would include such unforgettable destinations such as “Kitchen” and “The Downstairs Toilet”. The most expensive place would be my wife’s wardrobe. Ha ha ha! Train stations could be replaced with doors (front, back, cellar and attic), and utilities would be “Fridge” and “TV”. Community Chest cards could be replaced by “Do The Pissing Dishes” cards.


Please let me know how much I owe you for the trouble, and if it can be delivered before Christmas.


Yours Expectantly


Alan Paige.

As it turns out, this wasn't such a ridiculous thing to suggest:

Thank you for your email.


Our personalised Monopoly is known as My Monopoly, please visit our website mymonopoly.com for further details.


Unfortunately the deadline for guaranteed pre Christmas delivery was 21/11/2011 at Noon.


Boards cost £79.99 which includes shipment to a UK shipping address.


Please see our terms and conditions, listed on the website for guidlines on what is permissable to print and the options you are able to customise.


May we thank you for contacting Hasbro and if we can be of any further assistance, either now or in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.


Kind Regards,


Katharine


Hasbro UK Ltd

This has got me thinking about what other versions of Monopoly could be bought to life thanks to My monopoly.  Does anyone have any ideas for new Monopoly versions?

I think the overall winner has to be a tie between Lego and Toys R Us.  Their responses were wonderful, and will keep me warm throughout the winter.  Everyone, I implore you to shop at Toys R Us and buy Lego in the future.  Their profits deserve to skyrocket as a result of this.

Jingle All The Way

A few weeks ago, I watched a show on ITV about the Greatest TV Adverts Of The Decade. This was the standard fare for anyone who has seen these format shows before; we slowly grind our way through a chosen countdown as a small number of journalists, showbiz bloggers, or anyone who happened to free on the day of recording, speak their mind about that particular entry. I initially dismissed the programme as being rather self serving due to it coming across like an hour-long advert for adverts. The audience at home weren’t the ones who ITV were trying to persuade, they were hoping that other prospective advertisers would see the merits of their media and be inspired to push their adverts out through their network.

To be honest, I can hardly blame them. If the critics and TV executives are to be believed, television as a medium is as dead as a Sabre-Toothed Tiger wearing Adidas poppers. The only thing the box has to offer these days are self promoting shows such as 100 Best TV Moments, Greatest TV Interviews, and 10 Most Terrifying BBC Test Cards.

However, I then saw a rather funny advert which was, in itself, all about advertising. The advert features a man on a psychiatrist’s couch reciting famous advertising jingles such as Bodyform, Gillette, and Cadburys which were all familiar and invoke a sense of nostalgia. The advert suggests that adverts and jingles get into your head and stay there forever, which is true in most cases. Inside your subconscious there must be a special area solely dedicated to advertising jingles, no matter how shit they are. Ones that were around during your childhood are the ones that will live with you forever, whether you want them to or not, wafting their way into the forefront of your mind occasionally like a fart in a Jacuzzi. They remain hidden, buried in the recesses of your brain, waiting for a moment to leap up and sing the Um Bongo theme tune as loudly as they can. These events can be rather jarring.

Whilst thinking about this topic, I realised that jingles are like a default factory setting for your mind. Only in the occasional moments when no other thought fills your head will a long since remembered song suddenly slap you across the face. I’ve realised that my brain’s screensaver is an old song which was used to advertise a child’s game called Wiggly Worms (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mattel-Wiggly-Worms/dp/B000050XU9). The game is nothing more than a gaudy piece of plastic shaped like an apple in which worms bob up and down, and players have to pluck them out with their fingers. The theme tune basically goes like this:

“Wiggly worms, you just can’t catch ‘em! Wiggly worms, you just can’t catch ‘em! They’re wiggly, they’re squiggly, they’re gonna get you giggly, you just can’t catch ‘em, Wiggly Worms”.

I never even had the game, and never wanted it, yet my mind always resets back to Wiggly Worms. It’s slightly eerie to think that a toy targeted at me during my childhood still lives with me some 10-15 years since I last saw it on TV. Subconsciously, this must mean that I am a damaged human being and should probably sue Matel for making this game in the first place, but I suspect that many other people suffer the same affliction, except they are plagued by jingles from different products.

So, if you’re reading this, let me know what adverts are stuck in your mind. I’m interested to hear about jingles from your childhoods which just suddenly pop into your mind. Together, maybe we can form support groups and work together to undo the damage done to us by the Bumble Balls, Coco Pops and Tyco RCs that plague our adult lives.

Christmas Is Coming

It's that time of year again. Well actually, it's not Christmas yet; we're still a couple of months away from that. However, it is that time of year where we start to see Christmas adverts on TV and novelty, anthropomorphic children's characters arrive in your town to turn on the Christmas lights.

No doubt you're wondering what the must have toys for Christmas 2009 are going to be. Well, I can't speculate on that because I don't know, but I can make a list of the worst toys you could possibly buy for your children. I've searched the entire Internet (even that nobbly bit over there) and come up with what I think are the 15 worst toys ever made.

15. Harry Potter Vibrating Broomstick

This is a present that should be enjoyed by mothers rather than children. It makes the list because, well, would you want your child galloping around on a giant vibrator? Be careful of using this after someone else as you might catch Hogwarts.

14. Dora The Explorer Aquapet
No! Just no! Doesn't the company who made this have some sort of quality control? I mean, people are actually paid to design this!? Even if you can get over the ergonomics of this thing, it's still rather frightening to think that Dora is trapped in some kind of futuristic biopod that is probably feeding her the nutrients she requires to keep her alive inside of her eternal perspex prison of doom. I don't think she'll be doing any more exploring whilst encased in this phallic sarcophagus.

13. Darth Tater
Darth Tater would actually be a half decent novelty if it wasn't for the gaping vagina he seems to sport here. In actual fact, he's the least customisable Potato Head ever, and that completely kills the general concept of Mr Potato Head. They could have at least added some other parts to make other Star Wars characters, like brown velcro to make Wookie Tater.

12. Gliderman
Gliderman, Gliderman, does whatever...Spiderman equipped with a glider can. Now, this toy isn't terrible in that it's not poorly made (although the dayglo-chav trousers are unlikely to catch on as a fashion trend), and it's not inappropriate, but there's something odd about the convoluted concept behind this toy. Why would Spiderman need to own a gliding suit? It's not like his feet ever touch the ground as it is what with all the web slinging, wall climbing, and leaping over skyscrapers like a flea on hot coals. It'd be like trying to persuade Usain Bolt to use Wheelies.

11. Barack Obama Rubber Duck Toy
Hooray! Generic patriotic black man toys! Honestly, this monstrosity bears virtually no resemblance to any persons living or dead, let alone the president. I think most women's dreams of climbing into a bath with Barack Obama will have to wait. Personally, I'm holding out for the lifesize version.

10. Sunburnt Guy
Probably the most lifelike builder toy to date. I really hope that this one is fake.

9. Gobots
Gobots are basically the poverty stricken, wartorn leper cousins of the Transformers, as you can see by the guy on the left with half of an industrial tanker on each leg. They are generally considered to be simplistic and inferior to their more popular counterparts, but they were popular enough to spawn comics and cartoons too. I think people in the 80s had ridiculously low standards.

8. Jesus Piggy Bank
This is the type of present that informs you that your parents don't love you. It's a lame pun splattered on a lame depiction of Jesus. Also, Jesus presents are never going to win the love and devotion of your children even if you've raised them as fundamental as you possibly can. Besides, I wouldn't trust Jesus to look after my money as it would just slip straight out of his hands.

7. Dog Mind Reader
I wouldn't want to know what my dog was thinking if I strapped that collar round it's neck. I'd rather that my own death was a complete surprise. My guess is that the doggy mind reader works a little bit like those mood rings, only they don't tell you when your dog is feeling horny. Actually I take that back. Given the calibre of toys featured so far, it probably does tell you when your dog is horny.

6. Jesus Bot
Crusaderbot lands on Japanese shores to convert the sacrilegious fleshy ones! Yet another poorly conceived Christian toy makes our list, but this one has the added bonus of that famous Japanese madness which we've all grown to love. Generally, when advertising and marketing gurus design packaging, the last thing they'd do is stick on a picture of a frightened man screaming "NO!" when faced with the product. However, the best aspect of this photo is that Cyber Jesus appears to offering flowers, as if this toy can help you pick up girls. Do you know how many flowers were destroyed in the process of creating you, Jesus Bot? Your paltry offering will not make amends with mother earth.

5. Pee and Poo
I suppose this is a substitute for children who really enjoy playing with their own excrement, like nicotine patches for scat enthusiasts. The expression of sheer despair plastered all over Pee's face is the worst bit. The realisation that he is modelled after a glob of piss must be the most mortifying sensation in the world.

4. Epidermits Thing
One look at that thing and I'm sure you've already learned everything you've ever wanted to know about Dildoswine McPubeface here. In all honesty I've no idea what it is, but research suggests that it's a toy, so enjoy.



3. Furby
Oh fuck, not these again. NEXT!

2. Cocksled
I'm starting to see a recurring theme in a lot of these toys. All I've got to say is be careful when you go over bumps on this thing.

1. Peekaboo Pole
It's hard to tell if this is a toy aimed for children or not, but if the Daily Mail can get in a flap about it, then so can I. In actual fact, the packaging has a friendly cartoon lady on it, and the product also contains pretend money, so I'm guessing that it is aimed at the juvenile consumer. I hate to be prudish about such an item, but I find it completely inappropriate that this toy exists and doesn't contain a "no touching" sign to hang above your door. It's rule number 1 under my roof.

So there you have it. 15 terrible products that you'd only buy if you wanted your children to run away from home. Here's my advice to parents; stay safe, and stick to Sea Monkeys.