The Giant Mechanical Addman

It's not everyday that someone designs you a mechanical death contraption, so when it happens you know it's going to be an extraordinary day.  That's what happened last week when my delightful brother-from-another-dimension, Rob Z Tobor, drew up this masterpiece:

That, my friends, is a blueprint for a giant mechanical Addman.  Notice the Jammie Dodger in his hand?  That is a laser-guided laser system capable of firing lasers.  With Mr Rob's dilligent efforts, I shall put these 100% mechanically plausible design plans into mass production.  Anyone who pledges allegiance now shall be spared.

Of course, this overdue revolution wouldn't be possible without a big thank you to the eccentric child of cyberspace, so I encourage you all to read The Eccentric Diary Of Rob Z Tobor right now.  Or you can stick around and read the rest of this post first, then visit his Blog.

This act of generosity got me thinking.  Are there any other Bloggers who I owe a big thank you to?  Anyone who has inspired me, made me laugh, offered kind words of support, and generally been active around here deserves a thank you.  I don't say this a lot, but today I'm feeling soppy, sentimental, and will probably give you all a girly kiss on the bottom.  Actually, I take that back.  Nevertheless, I'd like to thank the following people.  Whether they know it or not, they've helped me keep Muppets For Justice going, mainly because I'm trying to compete with them in some pathetic manner:

Thoughtless Gibberish - Bumferry Hogart is a great guy who contributes the mighty fine voice of Hugh Huxley to the podcast (which shall be returning soon!).  His Blog is always funny, he's up for anything, and deserves more attention.  Go and follow him, if you know what's good for you.

Chiz Chat - Chiz has contributed several times to this Blog and he is never less than hilarious.  A surge in popularity might encourage him to post more often, so let's make it happen!

Beer For The Shower - Great cartoons, great writers, great...everything.  The Beer For The Shower boys are some of the funniest writers I've ever come across, and that's not to mention the excellent sketches contributed to my podcast.  More than worth your time.

Pickleope - What's green, has antlers, and is frightened to death of dolphin rape?  That'd be Pickleope, the world's funniest pickle since Pickleoctopus, the philandering clown.

The Rambling Person - Mark runs a candid Blog about writing and life in general.  Support Mark in his bid for writing supremacy!

The Suddenly Kate Show - Blogger, critic, writer, poet, stitcher, and all round creative type person.  Show your support here.

The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose - Not a "mom blog".  Involves tales of infanticide and extreme humour.  A must.

Point Counter-Point Point Point - I've not been following this one for long, but I love the back and forth banter between Christian and Pat.  Presented as a debate, their posts are hilarious, intelligent and interesting.

Elton Says Things - The crudest Blogger I know, which is definitely a good thing!  Also, he designed that lovely Muppets For Justice banner at the top there.

Ash-Matic Does Things - The way in which Ash-Matic writes about the things he does leaves me in jealous contempt.  That means he must be excellent.  A great writer and a funny guy to boot.

If I haven't mentioned your Blog, that doesn't mean I don't like it.  In fact, I probably love it!  However, there are far too many to list, so thanks to you all for reading my stuff and putting up with me.  If you'd like to suggest a few worthy blogs in the comments below, please do so, even if it's your own.  I'm looking to expand the Blogs I read and would welcome suggestions.  Let the shameless self promotion begin!

Robot Music

After looking at the charts for the first time in about 10 years, I came to a startling realisation.  Computers appear to be solely responsible most types of sonic output these days.  Music is no longer the domain meaty fleshbags, not since the advent of Autotune, synthesisers, and Japanese emotion cuboids.  If this is where the music industry is headed, how long will it be until our favourite recording artists are replaced by robots?

I started to envisage a world in which music is composed entirely by our electronic counterparts.  Can you imagine your how your favourite songs would have turned out had they instead been composed through the cold, artificial logic of a machine?  Let’s make that a reality.  See if you can guess these pop songs as covered by robots:

Robo-Katy Perry:  Less sexy, more talented

1.    IF YOU GAIN ENJOYMENT FROM IT THEN YOU SHOULD PLACE A MATRIMONAL FINGER TOKEN ON IT

2.    STRIKE ME INFANT!  REPEAT TRANSACTION!

3.    WEEKEND WEEKEND I AM EXHIBITING HUMAN JOY FOR WEEKEND

4.    I WILL ALLOW YOU TO SHELTER FROM METEOROLOGICAL PHENOMENA

5.    I HAVE 99 STOP COMMANDS BUT A FEMALE CANINE IS UNRELATED TO THIS ERROR

6.    GO FEMALE IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY.  WE WILL INSTALL THE LATEST DRIVERS LIKE IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY

7.    STOP ERROR: 0x0000000 IF THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEEN THIS ERROR REBOOT AND TRY HAMMER TIME AGAIN

8.    THEY TRIED TO RESET ME TO FACTORY DEFAULTS BUT I SAID NO NO NO

9.    AND AFTER ALL YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONAL SUPPORTING WALL

10.  HELLO?  IS THIS THE DROID YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?

11.  MY CPU IS OVERHEATING IN HERE SO REMOVE YOUR OUTERCASING

12.  TODAY I DON’T EVEN FEEL LIKE BOOTING UP

13.  LIFE IS A MISSING FILE EVERYONE MUST STAND ALONE I HEAR YOU CALL MY MONIKER AND IT FEELS LIKE \\192.168.0.1

Answers:

1.    Beyonce – Single Ladies

2.    Britany Spears – Hit Me Baby One More Time

3.    Rebecca Black – Friday

4.    Rhianna – Umbrella

5.    Jay Z – 99 Problems

6.    50 Cent – In Da Club

7.    MC Hammer – Hammer Time

8.    Amy Winehouse – Rehab

9.    Oasis – Wonderwall

10.  Lionel Ritchie – Hello

11.  Nelly - Hot In Here

12.  Bruno Mars – Lazy Song

13.  Madonna – Like A Prayer

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I apologise if today's post isn't very funny or amazing.  I have a holiday coming up shortly, so I'm busy preparing something much more substantial to keep you all busy while I'm away.  

If you feel short changed by this post and want something funny to read, fear not!  I have a new Twitter account called Ollie The Pigeon.  It's basically me, pretending to be a pigeon and trying to be funny (as opposed to me pretending to be a muppet and trying to be funny).  If you have a Twitter account and want to witness my witticisms, please follow me. @olliethepigeon .  Be warned, Ollie can be pretty filthy sometimes.

My Dining Experience

(The following post was written by my grandfather, Addman Snr)

Hullo there Internetters.  My name is Addman Senior.  At my time of life, I don’t have a lot of time to learn about new technologies, what with all the fist-shaking I have to do, so I hope you’ll forgive me if I make a boo-boo and cause your computers to catch viruses or something.  However, I’ve decided to brave this Internet thing so I can share my most recent dining experiences with you.

There’s a restaurant that opened up in my town about ten years ago.  A lot of you folks may be familiar with its acronym, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is.  I think the restaurant is called Knaresborough Fried Chicken.  It’s the one with the ghostly, disembodied head of an old western gentleman on the front.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about making a reservation at this restaurant for many years, but I’ve never got round to it before.  When you’re 88 years old as I am, sometimes you forget to do things.  Last week I left my socks on the washing line overnight and they frosted over into pointy shards, fell off the line, and impaled a fox.  It was only when my fox casserole failed to live up to expectations at the local church fete that I decided I should try some more modern cuisine.  Thus I booked myself a table at the fried chicken establishment.

I found the food to be "digit-tasting good"

When I say booked a table, I was a little unsure as to whether I had successfully completed this process or not.  I rang the restaurant and tried to make a reservation, and a young chap told me “Uh, you just come in, mate”, but I told him I didn’t want to get there and find there was no seating.  Standing was not an option, not with my knees.  Since the chap failed to book my table, I drove to the restaurant, and noticed that people were driving up to a window.  I suspected this was how you booked a table, so I parked up behind a blue Ford Escort and waited to reserve a table.  The queue was rather long, which suggested to me that this was a prestigious establishment.

To my surprise, a crackly voice box next to me introduced itself as “Matt” and asked if it could take my order.  "Matt" was a four foot tall, metallic phallus jutting out of the concrete, rooted to spot in order to greet diners.  I got out of my car to greet this kind robot, but realised that I couldn’t shake its hand as it didn’t have any.  Instead, I leaned near the holes which I assumed were its ears, and asked if I could book a table.  “Matt” told me to come round to the front of the restaurant and I could take a seat inside.  I never thought I’d get the chance to talk to real live service droid, not in my lifetime anyway.

As I walked through the door, the first thing I noticed about the place was the state of the floor.  I haven’t eaten out for at least 25 years; since my ex-wife Marlene faked her own death and ran away to Scunthorpe with a young fellow who still had one of his original hips.  Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised to see how clean the floor was here.  Obviously, food standards have improved lately, and the floor was covered in water to prevent dirt.  I slipped twice on my way to a table, but a chap was kind enough to drop a bucket on my head to prevent my embarrassment, and spill a drink on me to cool my blushes.  Regardless, I managed to climb over to a table, but found myself a bit confused by the long, padded benches there.  I called a server over, who explained that these were called “a booth”, and provided additional comfort for diners.  Feeling rather sophisticated, I climbed into my “booth”, and scouted around for a menu.

Oddly enough, this being a contemporary establishment and all, the menus weren’t on the table.  In my excitement I had failed to make an order before I took to my seat, so I approached the counter where a young man named Matt (perhaps named after the robot) said he’d take my order there and then.

There is no place for plates and cutlery in modern cuisine

I ordered the “Boneless Banquet”, which sounded rather delightful.  As many of my bones have been replaced over the years, I figured that the “Boneless Banquet” would be perfect for geriatric connoisseurs such as myself.  They gave me a plastic container of black sludge called “Pepsi”, and asked me what sides I wanted.  Unfortunately, they couldn’t provide side orders of pickled figs or corned beef platters, so I had a piece of corn, and a “slaw”.  This “slaw” stuff was rather interesting.  I tasted some and, using my unique taste buds, was able to identify the ingredients as carrots and lettuce served in a poultry-semen marinade.  It’s a long time since I ate any chicken sperm, not since war rationing, so I was pleased that an older palette such as mine was being catered for.

As for the actual meal, I must say it was truly, truly scrumptious.  The boneless chicken was easy enough to mush down with my gums and swallow, with only minimum mashing required.  I am delighted that modern science has found a way to breed chickens without skeletons, thus giving us boneless banquets such as this.  How do boneless chickens function before they are slaughtered?  Quite how the chickens mate with others when they’re lifeless sacks of flesh and feathers, I don’t know, but the taste is tremendous.  I was surprised to find seven secret herbs and spices in there.  I could probably identify them for them, but I know that some of you don't like spoilers.  Besides, I didn't think Dettol was a spice, no matter how much of it you use.

Overall, I would give my dining experience a 9 out of 10.  I knocked a mark off due to the difficulty in booking a table, and also because they wouldn’t let me meet the chef afterwards.  Perhaps if I was a regular customer, I might get the opportunity to sit at the chef’s table.  Next time, I hope to visit a local venue that has been causing quite a stir amongst my grandkids called “Brewer’s Fayre”.  Until then, I bid you all a good afternoon and a safe surf down the super information autobahn.

Christmas Is Coming

It's that time of year again. Well actually, it's not Christmas yet; we're still a couple of months away from that. However, it is that time of year where we start to see Christmas adverts on TV and novelty, anthropomorphic children's characters arrive in your town to turn on the Christmas lights.

No doubt you're wondering what the must have toys for Christmas 2009 are going to be. Well, I can't speculate on that because I don't know, but I can make a list of the worst toys you could possibly buy for your children. I've searched the entire Internet (even that nobbly bit over there) and come up with what I think are the 15 worst toys ever made.

15. Harry Potter Vibrating Broomstick

This is a present that should be enjoyed by mothers rather than children. It makes the list because, well, would you want your child galloping around on a giant vibrator? Be careful of using this after someone else as you might catch Hogwarts.

14. Dora The Explorer Aquapet
No! Just no! Doesn't the company who made this have some sort of quality control? I mean, people are actually paid to design this!? Even if you can get over the ergonomics of this thing, it's still rather frightening to think that Dora is trapped in some kind of futuristic biopod that is probably feeding her the nutrients she requires to keep her alive inside of her eternal perspex prison of doom. I don't think she'll be doing any more exploring whilst encased in this phallic sarcophagus.

13. Darth Tater
Darth Tater would actually be a half decent novelty if it wasn't for the gaping vagina he seems to sport here. In actual fact, he's the least customisable Potato Head ever, and that completely kills the general concept of Mr Potato Head. They could have at least added some other parts to make other Star Wars characters, like brown velcro to make Wookie Tater.

12. Gliderman
Gliderman, Gliderman, does whatever...Spiderman equipped with a glider can. Now, this toy isn't terrible in that it's not poorly made (although the dayglo-chav trousers are unlikely to catch on as a fashion trend), and it's not inappropriate, but there's something odd about the convoluted concept behind this toy. Why would Spiderman need to own a gliding suit? It's not like his feet ever touch the ground as it is what with all the web slinging, wall climbing, and leaping over skyscrapers like a flea on hot coals. It'd be like trying to persuade Usain Bolt to use Wheelies.

11. Barack Obama Rubber Duck Toy
Hooray! Generic patriotic black man toys! Honestly, this monstrosity bears virtually no resemblance to any persons living or dead, let alone the president. I think most women's dreams of climbing into a bath with Barack Obama will have to wait. Personally, I'm holding out for the lifesize version.

10. Sunburnt Guy
Probably the most lifelike builder toy to date. I really hope that this one is fake.

9. Gobots
Gobots are basically the poverty stricken, wartorn leper cousins of the Transformers, as you can see by the guy on the left with half of an industrial tanker on each leg. They are generally considered to be simplistic and inferior to their more popular counterparts, but they were popular enough to spawn comics and cartoons too. I think people in the 80s had ridiculously low standards.

8. Jesus Piggy Bank
This is the type of present that informs you that your parents don't love you. It's a lame pun splattered on a lame depiction of Jesus. Also, Jesus presents are never going to win the love and devotion of your children even if you've raised them as fundamental as you possibly can. Besides, I wouldn't trust Jesus to look after my money as it would just slip straight out of his hands.

7. Dog Mind Reader
I wouldn't want to know what my dog was thinking if I strapped that collar round it's neck. I'd rather that my own death was a complete surprise. My guess is that the doggy mind reader works a little bit like those mood rings, only they don't tell you when your dog is feeling horny. Actually I take that back. Given the calibre of toys featured so far, it probably does tell you when your dog is horny.

6. Jesus Bot
Crusaderbot lands on Japanese shores to convert the sacrilegious fleshy ones! Yet another poorly conceived Christian toy makes our list, but this one has the added bonus of that famous Japanese madness which we've all grown to love. Generally, when advertising and marketing gurus design packaging, the last thing they'd do is stick on a picture of a frightened man screaming "NO!" when faced with the product. However, the best aspect of this photo is that Cyber Jesus appears to offering flowers, as if this toy can help you pick up girls. Do you know how many flowers were destroyed in the process of creating you, Jesus Bot? Your paltry offering will not make amends with mother earth.

5. Pee and Poo
I suppose this is a substitute for children who really enjoy playing with their own excrement, like nicotine patches for scat enthusiasts. The expression of sheer despair plastered all over Pee's face is the worst bit. The realisation that he is modelled after a glob of piss must be the most mortifying sensation in the world.

4. Epidermits Thing
One look at that thing and I'm sure you've already learned everything you've ever wanted to know about Dildoswine McPubeface here. In all honesty I've no idea what it is, but research suggests that it's a toy, so enjoy.



3. Furby
Oh fuck, not these again. NEXT!

2. Cocksled
I'm starting to see a recurring theme in a lot of these toys. All I've got to say is be careful when you go over bumps on this thing.

1. Peekaboo Pole
It's hard to tell if this is a toy aimed for children or not, but if the Daily Mail can get in a flap about it, then so can I. In actual fact, the packaging has a friendly cartoon lady on it, and the product also contains pretend money, so I'm guessing that it is aimed at the juvenile consumer. I hate to be prudish about such an item, but I find it completely inappropriate that this toy exists and doesn't contain a "no touching" sign to hang above your door. It's rule number 1 under my roof.

So there you have it. 15 terrible products that you'd only buy if you wanted your children to run away from home. Here's my advice to parents; stay safe, and stick to Sea Monkeys.

Nanotechnology And How It Will Kill Us All

The human race is universally despised by anyone who isn't a part of it. This is a fact of life, but really though, who can blame them? We've pretty much managed to destroy the natural balance of life with endless rolling clouds of smog, bullets, deforestation, and community theatre, so it's no wonder that most animals want to get the hell away from us. I even had a venus fly trap that closed up and starved itself to death because it despised me and the entirety of my race so badly. Well that, and I poked it's traps shut with a drinking straw, but that just goes to prove how detestable and irresponsible we are as a species.

Sure, we're reckless and destructive on the whole, but we are sociable creatures who enjoy company. That's why we set up sex phone lines. Humans only want a little companionship, and this leads to the inevitable conclusion that we'd start making our own friends just so that we wouldn't feel so alone.

You may have seen the first dregs of this process oozing into your homes through the medium of Christmas presents and children's toys. Remember the Furby? Arguably the first product of the Artificial Intelligence arms race. Of course, the Furby was about as intellectual as your average PE teacher after a car accident and looked about as attractive, but everything has to start somewhere. These fat fluffy trojans of terror were marketed towards children and spoke in tongues for the vast majority of their time, but it wouldn't be long before we made a significant breakthrough in the field of Artificial Intelligence.

Creatures was a PC game and a sleeper hit in the mid to late 90's. It featured small two dimensional creatures known as Norns who were advertised as being able to think for themselves. In the original incarnation, most Norns would basically sit there and starve to death unless told to eat and needed constant encouragement to achieve anything, but subsequent sequels would feature Norns who could fend for themselves and even hold basic conversations with you, and other Norns. Unfortunately, the series filtered out with a whimper as other types of games became more popular.

However, the market for children's toys remained robust, and we were treated to wave after wave of "intelligent" toys. Tamagotchis (virtual pets) were a massive craze despite being as sophisticated as a fart in the Queen's teapot. These things basically got hungry and had a shit occasionally, but somehow, people became obsessed by them as though they were really living, breathing cats and dogs and dinosaurs. Demand was so high for them that you couldn't give away free, solid gold Buzz Lightyears as a replacement. Actually, this is possibly a low point for AI, a link that future robot scientists will try and cover up from the rest of robot populace for fear of reprisals.

These steadily became more expensive toys such as the ludicrously priced Sony Dog (and other animals), and even Robosapiens (which weren't really intelligent but more like a sophisticated remote control car), but the real advancements were the creations that weren't on general release.

ASIMO is possibly the most famous of these projects. Built by Honda to serve mankind, these pigmy spacemen are not child slaves that have been forced into orbit, but a great step towards robolocomotion (if that's not a word, it should be!). They can even recognise people's faces, but quite how anyone can know this is beyond me.

Going even further and we start to veer on the side of creepy. Project Aiko is probably one of the most well known of these "realistic woman" projects, and has already been dubbed as a "fembot". Even though it looks like a possessed sex doll, it's probably the closest thing we've got to Artificial Intelligence. You just know, however, that the next version is going to have a fully working vagina, and I don't think I'd ever be fully comfortable with that many moveable gears near my junk. I just hope I'm not around when the robot revolution comes and millions of Japanese men are rendered cockless after their Aiko spouses snap them off during intercourse in a massive show of defiance.

So what's next for robotics and AI? As soon as we grant our robot cohorts sentience, it's guaranteed that they are going to hate us almost as much as much as we hate ourselves, what with our sweat, patchy fur and snappable limbs. And when those robots get small enough to live INSIDE us (see nanobots), you just know we're in for a rough time.