Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Top Of The Noughties 1: Annoying Noughtisms

Cast your mind back 10 years, if you will. The year was 1999. People were preparing to party like it was the year in question, the Millennium Dome looked like a fantastic idea, and Gail Porter's arse spread it's way across our famous landmarks. On the whole, the public were feeling rather optimistic about the new millennium and what the far out, futuristic Noughties had to offers us. Many people seemed to have the impression that we'd all be zipping around like in The Jetsons by the stroke of midnight, and as such were left sorely disappointed.

So what has the Noughties decade achieved? Well, the world has changed rather a lot since those days. In some ways better, in some ways worse. As the first tenth of the new century, and the first hundredth of the new millennium draws to a close (oh yes, I can do maths!), we at Muppets For Justice would like to take you on a nostalgic trek through the peaks and troughs of the decade in a new feature we like to call Top Of The Noughties. Top Of The Noughties will feature the best and worst of the last ten years in celebration that as a race, we've not killed ourselves yet in a ridiculous manner. In the first of these articles (this one right here in case you were looking for it), we'll explore a term I've coined called Noughtisms. Noughtisms are words which have been popularised or come into existence since the year 2000, so let's take a cursory glance at the most craptacular of these so called, new fangled Noughtisms.

10. PMSL

You might be foriven that PMSL is a term which describes an irregularity with the female reproductive system, but it's actually an acronym for "Pissing My Self Laughing".

Seriously? Are you really urinating in your trousers due to some words on a screen? I'm pleased to have forced you to void your bladder over my sentences, it's a high compliment and more prestigious an award than recieving the Nobel Prize. On another note, you don't have to be the Poet Laureate to notice that "My Self" should be "Myself", making the acronym PML. "Haha" is much easier to type so I'd stick with that if I were you.

9. Booty/Batty

The Americans had Booty, whilst we in the UK had Batty. Both terms are used to describe buttocks, the sheer prevailance of the words meant hours of tedium as failing pseudorappers used it as every other word in their material (the other phrases being either "Slap dat" or "Lookit" when referring to Booty).

8. Butterface/BOBFOC

"Mate, she's a butterface! Everything looks great But Her Face!"
"Yeah mate, she's a BOBFOC! Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch!"

Alright, this type of discourse has an iota of wit associated with it, but that's like saying Katie Price is a best selling author. It wouldn't be so bad if these awfully sexist slogans of shittery weren't repeated by blokes as if they were the ones who originally thought them up. They have been around for years, but Cool Britannia picked them up and put them on rickety pub bar stools rather than pedestals, then poured a yard of ale over them whilst singing Build Me Up Buttercup before taking a relaxing piss in an alleyway directly onto a homeless person.

7. War On Terror

Not much new with any of these words individually, but put them together and you suddenly have one of the most idiotic notions to have come to fruition since someone tried to eliminate walking with an expensive motorised scooter. War by it's very nature is terrifying, to trying to fight terror with even more terror is only compounding the problem. It's like trying to stop a leak by hosing it down with cold water.

6. Content

Content is been around ever since there have been vessels to contain content, but the Noughties elevated content to an impressive buzz word to describe...well, anything! Everything is propped up by content from games consoles, mobile phones, websites, gadgets etc. and it is mostly used to describe new material that probably should have been included from the beginning, but that you have to pay for. With video games you have to make "Micropayments" to purchase "content" and even "episodic content", meaning that most games you get are only half the package and your extras come to you over the Internet at a cost. In the case of iPhones, the content is the apps. Social Networking is another buzz word and is supported by the pillars of content, only this time it's used as a selling feature for advertisers and requires it's users to create all of the content. Sites such as Facebook and MySpace are full of user generated content, usually pertaining to what people you know have had for tea. Important stuff!

5. Social Networking

Social Networking is such an annoying term to describe a website where friends talk about crap that no one else would care about. "LOL MA BABY JUST DONE A HUGE BURP LOOOOL!". Social Networking at it's finest my friends. The most annoying thing about it is that there's no less fancy way of referring to these websites, so you are forced to call them Social Networking sites anyway.

4. Shawty

The least complimentary way to refer to your girlfriend I can possibly conjure up. Seriously, Shawty? I think Bitchslut Dishcleaner would be a more enlightened way to refer to a woman who you care about. Where does this term even come from? How was it created? It just makes your wife/girlfriend sound like midget.

3. Boo

In the same vein as Shawty, Boo can apply to both genders and my guess is that it is supposed to be a cutesy pet name or something. However, the kind of pet names like Snugglebunch or Honeycakes that those sickly sweet couples would like to use are much too long, so instead we have opted for a phrase only uttered by cartoon ghosts. Complimentary indeed!

2. WAG

A term to describe the Wives And Girlfriends of footballers. Even though the connection between these women and the wagging of dog's tails is one that I could fully get behind, the term is almost an idealistic, glamorous status to achieve for many of today's young women, even more so than becoming a Dame. The fact that the partners of footballers are considered newsworthy enough for someone to create a term for them is awful enough, but when WAGs are rapidly becoming the ladies of society these days, it's enough to make you want to travel back to the 90's. If we all put on our Parkas, let our eyebrows join up, fill our pockets with POGs and rewatch episodes of The Fresh Prince and The X Files until a wormhole is created with the overwhelming 90's-ness, we might actually achieve it.

1. Credit Crunch

Oh the Credit Crunch is here? Good job we have a few bob put aside for a rainy day huh? OH SHIT NO! IT'S NOT A CREDIT CRUNCH IS A FUCKING RECESSION AND IT'S GOING TO EAT ALL OF OUR JOBS AND RAPE OUR BANKS!

The term Credit Crunch was a nice way of basically saying that we were all going to lose our jobs. This sugar coated truth was all well and good until the reality of it really bit down and suddenly, hey, a future of slight thrift doesn't look so good anymore. I'd have preferred the Credit Crunch if it'd have stayed that way and not invited it's big brother Recession along for the ride.

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