Thursday, 3 December 2009

Top Of The Noughties 2: Shit Covers

The Noughties have been a strange decade when it comes to music. Overall, we've been pretty unsure as to what the defining genre of our generation should be. The 60's had their Pop music, 70's had Disco, the 90's had Grunge and Britpop respectively. However, ten-yearly cycles of music seem to be out of fashion as we seem to have a new craze every two to three years right now. Regardless, a confused generation is always going to look backwards at what has been, thus the one musical constant we've had has been the cover version. Mostly shit cover versions at that. Here are the worst offenders.

10. The Kooks - All That She Wants

Jo Whiley's adopted children, The Kooks, were Radio 1 darlings for a short while with their summery tunes and straw hats despite sounding like The Thrills rip offs without any production whatsoever. They recorded a version of the early 90's Ace Of Base song All That She Wants by successfully ripping the soul out of the record like Sub Zero removing an opponent's spinal column. Luke Pritchard's dislikeable drawl added nothing to this awful rendition, and my guess is that he was trying to capitalise off of the nostalgia such a song would usually create. It turned out to be just another excuse as to why you should ignore The Kooks.

9. Snow Patrol - Crazy In Love

Another cover that originated in the Radio 1 Live Lounge. This song had a tough wrestle with Arctic Monkey's version of Love Machine (a bad cover of a bad cover) for this spot on the list, but Snow Patrol's effort wins out because they had the woeful idea of incorporating this into their live shows. Gary Lightbody (Buzz's cousin) breathlessly grunts "oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh" as if trying to imitate Beyonce's jiggling hips through the medium of vocal warbling. It's a cover version that literally adds nothing to what was already an annoying song, complete with someone trying imitate Jay Z's rap but without the charisma.

8. Kanye West - Gold Digger

Now, this isn't necessarily a cover version, but it is infuriating enough to earn a spot on this countdown. Kanye West might be the most egotistical man in show business (as evidenced by the way he gets up on stage at every awards show to steal the limelight from the actual winners), but his worst aspects are the samples he uses from other more successful songs. This one is a sample taken from a Ray Charles record (I Got A Woman), but with Jamie Foxx on hand, they successfully change the lyrics and invert the meaning! Rather than the line "She gives me money", Kanye changes it to "She takes my money"! This is deep, cerebral stuff right here folks.

7. The Vines - Miss Jackson

Duller than reading Cliff Richard's autobiography on an overcast day. The Vines made their name through their enigmatic style, but none of that is in evidence here. We are instead forced to listen to monotone vocals and dreary strumming with less energy than an M.E. sufferer with some heavy shopping. Also, no cool raps. Poor show!

6. Westlife - Mandy

Alright, as far as Westlife go this is standard for the course, but the song was so overexposed that if it were a photograph it'd just be a 4 x 6 lens flare with red eyes peering out of the solar flare. I hate this song at the best of times, so when five blonde Louis Walsh fantasies all start belting it out, it's a recipe for shit pudding in my books.

5. Mark Ronson and Lily Allen - Oh My God

Hahaha, it's just like the Kaiser Chiefs with trumpets! Lily Allen is dreary at the best of times with her soothingly boring vocal stylings, but this is absolute bollocks. You can effectively recreate this recording at home by having a good old yawn.

4. Robbie Williams - Video Killed The Radio Star

A more apt name for this would be Crack Cocaine Killed The Pop Singer's Voice. Robbie debuted this addition to his repertoire at a lackluster Electric Proms performance and managed to make it sound worse than all of his other material, which was a miraculous feat in itself. Mr Williams sounded like he's had an aversion to Strepsils, which is probably the only drug he hasn't been addicted to. Frankly, I'd rather he was still running around telling folks about his alien abduction than straining out this dross. Oh, and stop showing off that Take That tattoo now that they are popular without you, you attention seeking chimp.

3. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy

Joss takes a fantastic White Stripes powerhouse and turns it into an infuriating mess of "soulful" singing. Joss hums along with the track as if she's trying to eat her dinner at the same time and manages to create a watered down soul record. I also blame Joss Stone for the rise of Duffy, so this horrendous song shoots straight to number 3 in our chart.

2. Kanye West - Stronger

Kanye West has done it again, only this time it's Daft Punk he's tinkering with. The song itself is almost redeemed by the inclusion of Harder Better Faster Stronger, but the bafflingly bizarre mixture of that song and Kanye's incessant rapping about nothing in particular make this an absolute stinker. It would be hypocritical to pull Kanye up on sampling Daft Punk as they themselves craft tunes entirely out of other samples, but they do it with such finesse and subtlety that it makes Kanye's effort appear as though it was cobbled together in Audacity by a deaf kid.

1. Leona Lewis - Run

This overproduced piece of plastic poop is possibly the worst song in existence. Just thinking about this song has killed several hundred thousand brain cells.

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