Saturday, 5 December 2009

Top Of The Noughties 3: Ways To Make The Nation Angry

The Noughties have seen extreme changes in the way the public airs it's views. In a culture where power belongs to the people when it comes to the most asinine aspects of life, it's understandable that people would get frustrated with topics and occurrences that they cannot conveniently "vote off" or press a red button when they disagree with it or don't like it, as though life is just one big reality show. People demand their voices to be heard over the most insignificant things from Jedward to win the X Factor, bringing troops home, all the way to writing a Blog. People have become very vocal when they are angry, and become very angry much quicker. Here are the main things that have had the British public foaming like a boxer dog chewing its way through a box of Daz.

10. Blow Up/Crash Into A Landmark

Surprisingly low down on our list, blowing up landmarks isn't the height of evil that it once was. We were all shocked by September the 11th and the atrocities that happened there, yet many have already forgotten our very own tube bombings, or the countless car bombs exploded in London during the IRA years. Although it was hot news for about a week, it quickly blew over faster than one of the carriages involved.

9. Take The Mickey Out Of Paedophiles

You'd have thought that this was a way to make the nation like you, but apparently it's disgraceful to have a joke when the subject of paedophilia is near, and that's why the media went snooker loopy after Chris Morris made a satirical news programme about it. Well, his show was more of a piss take out of the way the media makes a mountain out of the subject, so there's no wonder the papers branded him as "sick". He also made Dr Fox look like an idiot! How dare he!?

8. Go Into Politics

Is there a politician out there that isn't widely hated? Reading out the names of a political party conference guest list is like reading out the names of the world's most prolific murderers to some folks. Everyone always thinks that they could do a better job, but I don't. I'm quite content to just slag off the people who are in charge and not offer my own breakdown of how to sort out the economy and everything else.

7. Give Some Money To A Banker

Banker's bonuses? Every time a newspaper gets a whiff of a banker getting some money, a whole new can of worms is opened. I just hope that their families don't give them any money for Christmas or, god forbid, a gift voucher!

6. Be Politically Correct

Why can't I call this woman a man when she's doing her job? Why can't I say "blackboard" at school? Why can't I stare at boobs at work? It's political correctness gone mad, I tells ya!

In actual fact, you can still decorate your house in St George's flags and walk around singing "Baa Baa Black Sheep". You've been misinformed. Now think about it before you waltz off down to the tattoo parlour and get an obnoxious portrait of a bulldog fighting a dragon whilst drinking lager as a show of your patriotism. What are you really trying to prove, other than you have no taste whatsoever? You're fighting against nothing.

5. Join The Army And Get Killed Doing Your Job

Hoo boy, we're really touching some political sore spots on this list, aren't we? Alright, it's terrible that someone has been shot, but 200+ deaths in 8 years of warfare in Afghanistan is a really insignificant figure. I'd bet more British people have been killed by their toasters than have died serving their country in Afghanistan. I don't mean to sound insensitive and I genuinely feel sorry for the families who have lost someone, but those soldiers have voluntarily chosen a career where they are going to get shot at. Does a lion tamer complain when he gets his head bitten off whilst putting it in a lion's mouth? Well, he probably would if he still had a head, but my point is still valid.

On another note, the media seems completely unable to make up it's mind about the conflict in the Middle East. One minute they're harping on about it being a pointless war and that we shouldn't be there, the next they are complaining that our forces don't have enough helicopters. What do you want? A complete troop withdrawal, but for us to send over a bunch of helicopters and give the keys to the insurgents?

4. Declare A Pandemic

Swine flu. Bird flu. Foot and mouth. Mad cow disease. All of these can and will infect your children if you breathe near the meat counter in a supermarket. Enjoy your domestic farm animal related illness.

3. Fiddle Your Expenses

"Taxpayer's money" is a phrase created by reactionaries who just love the sound of their own voice, but for once, they kind of had a point. MPs were claiming expenses on the most stupid things like moats and islands for ducks, and only when they got caught did they show any remorse. As a result, the public were actually successful in getting people fired.

2. Call An Indian Woman "Papadum"

Racism? On telly? It was funny during the 70's, but now I'm steaming mad because of a throwaway comment by an idiot!

This wasn't the first or last time that Jade Goody would be the centre of attention during the Noughties, but it was her least spectacular moment. Her romance with celebrity culture was always flirting with danger since she was such an oblivious, dumb, overgrown baby, so it was never going to end well. But who'd have thought that the same people who put her on pedestal through her endearing stupidity would crucify her for the exact same thing.

1. Insult A Grandpa

Or more to the point, tell a grandpa that his granddaughter is a bit loose. Radio presenters have made this mistake in the past and have lost their jobs or been suspended. It's disgusting I tells ya!

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