As time goes on it becomes harder to tell if some people are in the public eye because people around them are deluded enough to think there is something to them, or if they promote them out of some kitch irony. Anyway, let's take a sneaky peek at some of the more vapid wombshits that have graced the turgid rim of our entertainment industry. Why these people are revered and celebrated I have no idea.
10. Fearne Cotton
Fearne Cotton has managed to get into more places than Hugh Hefner's cock. How she finds the time to present everything on ITV2, have a daily radio show on Radio 1, do every telethon that comes her way, jet off to spend weekends with a different hollow camerawhore every week, and still find time to tattoo another "unique" fairy, or a rose, or a fairy covered in roses on her leg is a complete mystery. Technically, Fearne Cotton is busiest person on Earth; even more so than our respective leaders who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. What is even more of mystery is why people seem to think she's worthy of all this.
Being a Spack Of All Trades, Master Of Nothing, you'd have thought that her career would have been over long before she graduated from showing children how to do potato prints on daytime TV, but she's the gift horse that keeps on blathering. Watching her interview someone is like trying to hold a conversation with a teenage girl after buying her a new iPhone and inviting the entire cast of Twilight to stand around in the background. She couldn't even focus on a High Definition picture of a pair of contact lenses. Her interview technique basically consists of repeating what the interviewee has already said, and asking stock questions such as "How do you feel about that?". If she interviewed a holocaust survivor, she'd probably still ask that same blindingly obvious question, leaving you as having gleaned absolutely nothing from what could have been an enlightening experience.
9. Danny Dyer
It's not that Danny Dyer is an awful man; he just strikes me as a bit of a smug cunt. Whether you feel that he deserves his success or not, he doesn't exactly hide it modestly as he swans around like Guy Ritchie's kid brother. The man looks like Daniel Beddingfield engaged in illicit liasons with a Dolmio Puppet. Apparently, this felt-lined baboon of modern excess is something of a pin up amongst some women, even though he looks like the spoilt, chubby child of a sweetshop owner after falling into a teleporter with a member of the cast of Hollyoaks. Also, everything I've ever heard him say has been insipid, misogynistic, or downright idiotic.
8. Kate Moss
Drugs are usually a common leveller when it comes to mass media hype. In the bleary eyes of the standard tabloid-gobbler, drugs are mostly a fast track to hatesville, but Kate Moss managed to ride that slippery, greased-up bucking bronco all the way to the bank. No sooner had the story emerged that she had been snorting cocaine (which, up until the story broke, I assumed was as normal as having a bowl of cornflakes for the likes of Kate Moss. It came as quite a surprise to me that everyone else found her drug abuse to be surprising), she had already checked into rehab, had fully recovered, received several more products to endorse, and been visited by God himself who furiously masturbated himself into an angry climax at her bewildering recovery.
Why you'd want someone such as Kate Moss to advertise your goods is beyond me. Genetically, Kate Moss has more in common with a clothes horse than you or I.
7. Philip Schofield
We've had a pop at Schofield before, but he really is the most evil man that has ever existed. He is a cauldron containing all the evils of the world, bubbling away whilst the devil himself perches himself over the rim and curls off a cheeky poo, allowing Lee Harvey Oswald and Harold Shipman to stir the rigid stool into the mixture whilst cackling to the tune of Ride Of The Valkyries. The fact that he has chosen the fuzzy, inoffensive This Morning as his fortress of deception is the most heinous of his crimes. There's something so hideously unbearable about his cheery optimism, his satsuma themed flesh, and hair that is so prematurely grey that it looks like papier mache stuck onto a broom handle. As a host for the show, he is required to feign interest in real life stories, but deep down you know he's plotting to brutally slay The Clangers and feed them to The Wombles, or something equally as diabolical.
6. Coleen Rooney
Coleen is famous for doing a bit of shopping and being so detestable that even her ork-trapped-in a-car-crusher of a husband cheated on her with a prostitute. From these essential points on her CV, she's extrapolated an entire career which includes a show called "Coleen's Real Women" where Coleen teaches young women how to deal with fame. The show basically consists of a bunch of nobodies stood around listening to Coleen reciting less than stellar anecdotes about being blinded by cameras and being nervous when walking down a red carpet. Then they try on some shoes and call it a rap. Television gold!
5. David Gest
The man is either so dull that he is essentially a black hole, sucking up and regurgitating any celebrity stories he can find like a vacuum cleaner nozzle poked down a drainpipe, or he is the most brilliant walking piece of satirical celebrity culture ever to have been created. I'm ultimately undecided, but I'm leaning towards the former considering I've never heard him say anything of interest.
4. John Barrowman
Despite making the ovaries of many middle aged women clang together whenever he waltzes onto screen, John Barrowman is a hideous example of modern celebrity. He sums up everything I despise about the world of "variety" and looks like David Cameron after absorbing the entirety of Tom Cruise through his anus. Even though he'd have been a reject on The Generation Game, Barrowman has managed to force himself into mainstream television presenting.
The strangest element of the Barrowman Boogeyman is the way in which he sprang to stardom in the first place. I used to meander around not knowing who John Barrowman was, and life was much simpler back then. Then I woke up one day and there he was grinning at me from a television screen whilst the whites of his teeth burned small holes through the wall behind me. The worst part was that everyone else seemed to have heard of him, as if I had somehow gone to bed, slipped into a coma for several years, and woke up in the future where everyone had watched Barrowman grow up from being a cheeky child scamp in a west end musical to the multinational broadcasting force that we see before us today. It's like when you go on holiday for a fortnight and all the news you've missed whilst you've been away, no matter how inconsequential, always seems drastically life changing, and home never seems quite the same again. That's the nausea that Barrowman creates. He's the human equivalent of jet lag.
3. Jack Tweed
Jack is from the same fame school as Coleen Rooney, only he's much worse. The man literally has no personality. I've dug lint out of my pockets with more charm and charisma, and probably had a deeper, longer, more meaningful relationship with that lint than Jack Tweed has ever managed in his life. He may have married the celebrity pork scratching known as Jade Goody, but I doubt that Jack was even present in the relationship, and the marriage was probably consummated by a cardboard box with his face glued to it.
Jack has staggeringly achieved everything possible to make himself as detestable as any human can be without resorting to mass murder or paedophilia. He assaults cab drivers whilst his dying wife is at home, he has been remanded on charges of rape, he's constantly on a tag, has allegations of drug abuse, and he is also incapable of saying or doing anything when a camera is pointed at him. He freezes to the spot as though he's some sort of terrible spirit that can only move when no one is watching, only I doubt there's an evil agenda at work in his head. In fact, I doubt that anything is at work in his head. He's just a synaptic shell roaming the lands as an unprogrammed android who's mission it is to distract attention away from anything remotely interesting.
2. Piers Morgan
Do I really have to spell out how awful a man who fakes prisoner abuse photographs is? If so, just watch an episode of Britain's Got Talent and witness how a man can be both sycophantic and condescending in equal measure. The whole show is an elaborate ploy to try and gain favour with a public who was largely unaware of him during his heyday of shittery. This was back in the days when he used a national newspaper to besmirch the names of anyone wittier, more talented, or generally more likeable than he was. His hate campaigns were legendary, but nothing could save him once he decided to engineer a bunch of doctored photographs that allegedly showed Iraqis being abused by soldiers. All so he could sell a few newspapers. I can't think of anyone worse than that. Oh wait, here's one...
1. Cheryl Cole
I suppose the best thing you can say about Cheryl is that by contracting Malaria, she managed to stop someone else from contracting it, if you believe in karma. If you don't believe in karma however, she has no redeeming qualities.
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